I feel that it is the only choice

[Danny H]

Here is my thread:

 

 

, since then in the last couple of days I have discovered that my wife has been having casual sex with a few people.

while on holiday ( paid for by us both) in Thailand.

 

she emailed me to say she was ill and wanted to stay a week more, I agreed, now I know why.

 

I just can't get my head around the fact that the women I loved for all these years who I have four kids with, can just have casual sex ( at least if she liked them it would seem better).

 

I am so low, it just seems like when she gets back ( to look after the kids) It would be so easy to drive somewhere nice, drink a little and tape the exhaust into the car.

 

I feel so low, there seems no point in carrying on with this nightmare,

 

I feel like everything I believed in is wrong, I don't see any point in pulling myself up, I felt I had love for life, a family and everything.

 

I know time might heal, but we have all been down before, what is the point of pulling up, if the next down is worse .

 

What is the point if you give all to a person, and it isn't worth anything.

 

I just want out of this.

 

dan

[ElektraHere]

You do have something to live for your 4 kids. Do you want them to grow up without a father?

I think that your wife has put herself in health danger and that type of lifestyle is very dicey at times. It will hurt right now but you have to muster up the strength for your kids. They will need you.

[darkblue]

Hey Dan,

That is really tough to hear. I'm sincerely sorry.

 

You have your gorgeous kids, who you are simply amazing to.

Your a fantastic father, and you were a 'giver' in the relationship with you ex.

 

She did not deserve you, and she doesn't deserve this reaction.

But matters of the heart don't consider what is rational, do they?

 

I realise that you are a very sensitive man, but you cannot allow this to break you.

 

You know where I am, buddy.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Tigris]

I agree with the others that you have to think about the effect your death would have on your 4 kids. Focus on them and I'm sure you'll get through the turmoil.

 

Good luck and take care

[venus777]

wow i'm really sorry, it's really painful... you can't let her do this to you. she has hurt you immensely, don't let her hurt you anymore. you have to and can pick yourself up from this, for the kids, and for you.

also, you CAN fall in love with someone else you know, even after all that time that you spent with this woman, there is plenty of room to share love with someone that truly loves you and would not do this to you. you deserve better.

[Danny H]

I know, the kids are the reason I haven't done it tonight.

My oldest daughter ( almost 14) keeps asking me what is up, I won't tell them but I hope one day when they are older they find out.

 

The pain is so much to bare, it isn't something you can discuss with your locals down the pub, you just look like a foolish cuckhold.

Maybe when we get a divorce and are not legally bound, and she doesn't carry my name it will feel different.

 

I spent 6 weeks in india and It didn't cross my mind to sleep with anyone, I just can't understand how in just 3 weeks away she has dived in, how can somebody profess to love you, and within months you don't matter, I just feel like my life is a pointless chirade.

 

I gave up friends and family for my wife, she was everything, we thought we'd be together for ever, I feel like the last 17.5 years were just pointless.

 

I hate what i have become, I hate feeling so needy, in the beginning she did all the chasing, where is my pride, where is my gumption, where have I gone?

 

What is the point of trying to start again at 43, from scratch, I have no money, we are in the worst debt we have ever been in, the last few years have been a fight to keep our heads above water.

 

But that didn't matter because we had us, the family, now we are nothing but another broken home.

 

I could understand seperating and maybe meeting people down the line, but sex with a few people, in such a short time, did I really mean so little?

 

I cannot get to grips with this pain, It must be easy in the states where you have guns.

 

dan

[stolenshadow]

Your value as a person is not given to her by you, how she's acting is not a consequence of who you are, it's just who she's deciding to be.

I have read your posts, you are a good person and you cannot forget that, it's not your fault your wife didn't want a nice and loving family anymore, but you still have your kids and you have yourself.

 

Don't give up, hold on to life with everything you have.

[Danny H]

thanks guys, It just feels like everything I built my beliefs on was false, It just seems Like I have deluded myself, I really believed we were meant for eachother for ever.

 

Obviously in her mind that was not true, I asked her when she set off to Thailand tó think carefully on whether she wanted to try and repair us, I guess like a fool I thought she would, instead she has just given herself to strangers, I just can't get my head around it.

 

I am numb

 

 

How have I got to a place where I am so out of touch with reality, I can't cope with this feeling of being so unimportant.

 

I am yesterdays hero, and I feel like my time is done

 

 

dan

[stolenshadow]

The situation is not easy and that's why your thoughts are reinforcing the pain and sadness but you have to stop thinking about what happened and her cruel actions, she seems to be hurting you on purpose but there's no reason for you to allow it and you have the choice to not give her any more chances to cause you pain.

 

I can't even imagine the suffering you are going through, but you really have to put yourself together, you don't deserve to be destroyed by anybody, even less by the person your wife seems to have become, you have a life worth living, you have kids who need your love, your guidance, and I know you will be happy to see them grow, life can't stop where your wife decided to leave, this is not the end, and I don't know if you are religious but a prayer can also give you strength right now.

 

Just stop contact with your wife, don't let her keep dragging you down, everything kids related is fine, you don't need to hear anything else she has to say.

 

Everything has a solution, I repeat, just don't give up.

[Bethany]

Dan,

What's happening is that you are dwelling on all your thoughts and your emotions are becoming overwhelming whilst you are thinking these thoughts BUT they are at the back of your mind. This is why you have sunk so low and feel like your 'unreal'.

Bring your emotions to the front of your mind, mentally relax, and then take a good look at your feelings and FACE them. This is the way out.

 

By taking a good look at that anger and pain and you will see that EVERY emotional reaction including FEAR is becoming exaggerated because of mental and emotional fatigue and it's hardly surprising after all you have been through.

But what you don't realise is that, in the background, because of this emotional and mental pain, you are becoming bewildered and it is fear and bewilderment that is keeping you feeling 'unreal' and sinking you down into the depth of despair.

 

And I know this takes courage, but the way out is to think every thought and feel every feeling. Don't fear that you will sink lower by doing this. You won't. You will rise up from this despair by thinking every thought, by feeling every emotion that comes with these thoughts. This is the way out of your state of mind, and this will help you rise and be yourself again. I promise.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I'd be lying if I said you can pull yourself easily out of this. I'd also be lying if I said that I wouldnt be suicidal in your situation.

 

But if nothing else...think of your kids. Think of all their life stages..you GOTTA stick around for that, think of all youd be missing out on..what theyd be missing out on...keep going, dude. Take yourself to the emergency room if its really really awful.

[Danny H]

anti, thanks for your words, i agree.

 

I do feel that the pain the kids would feel over me going would actually be more powerful than the pain I feel now, and I guess that is what might keep me here.

 

Wife is due back in 2 hours, and I feel so low, but I'll keep smiling for the kids

 

 

dan

[Dako]

Danny,

I wish you well. You're a good person with a rough patch to endure. You can do it, I'm sure. Time will heal you.

[Danny H]

Thanks dako, funny thing is, she arrived at 6.45 this morning ( she phoned when 10 minutes away- I had agreed to get cash out for the taxi) anyway when she pulled up, I went out paid the taxi said hi and went back to bed ( still 45 minutes till I needed to get the kids up for school), and she storms into the house comes to the bedroom and has a go at me for not giving her a decent welcome-----jesus is she so blind to the pain I am in?

 

do we just play happy families before I get kicked out to live in my cubby hole???,

[onmyownagain]

Dan, are you still around? Haven't seen you post for a while. Hope you are okay.

[Tigris]

Dan go to the Citizens Advice Bureau and the financial advisor there will help you to sort your debts out. They've been helping me for 4 years and I've already paid a few of my debts off.

 

Don't write yourself off. I'm 43, have been divorced twice and have just realised I've been a Lesbian in denial all my life! I'm now engaged to the most wonderful woman in the world. The problem we have is I live in England and she lives in Australia! It's killing us being apart but I must get my debts paid before I can emmigrate to be with her permanently.