Is there any chance that I would get him & the spark back?

[jojean]

Reading this forum for a while. First of all it helped me a lot to calm down.

I was like a wreck for 3.5 weeks. (excuse me if my english sounds bad. I'm not English)

 

My ex bf and I broke up 4 weeks ago after a relationship of 5 years.

Less than a month ago before break up I found out he has contact with an ex of his from about 10 years ago. She lives in another country.

They went e-mailing each other like old friends.

But when they started a chat once he says that he feel good about her and saying that he didn't love me enough (to her).

But he didn't really want to break up. (Mainly maybe because she got a bf too and a child with this man, I don't know) He says he will see how things go.

 

First of all… I found out about this because there was a day when I just walked by his computer he was clicking a chat screen away in panic. So I just asked him about it. He said. "Oh, it was just my ex of more than 10 years ago. It was just a regular chat."

I wouldn't mind if it really was that, but why clicking it away if it was nothing?

So we started to fight about this and he says I was exaggerating. That this was exactly what he wanted to prevent by clicking that screen away.

I wanted to believe him and let this be. In the meantime he send me a lovely "I love you" e-card. I thought it was ok, but somehow… I also needed to know what they'd talk about. I know this is a bad thing to do, but I search in his computer.

 

There I read all those things he has said to her… I was so devastated. He was saying all those nice things to her. And she says nice things back. (Probably because she has problems with her man. It is easy to find another man much nicer.)

I confront him with his feelings for his ex. He told me that it isn't strong or anything like that. And that maybe because just of the old memories came back and it was like you still know each other. I couldn't really handle it and I said if you really don't have feelings for me than I want to break up. He says I agree with that. But it wasn't because he doesn't have feelings for me at all. But it isn't the same as the feelings I have for him. And that isn't right.

He wants me to be happy and all that.. (I was just thinking 'yeah easy for you to say. You're already focusing on somebody else'.. I actually said that to him too.)

He told me it's not and it was just a moment of enthusiasm. He doesn't want to loose contact with me, because that will hurt him too. I believe that, because he cried when he told me. And he never cries.

 

Well we are talking normal to eachother. I'm looking for a new place to stay. Because we live together since 3 years. (In my opinion maybe to quick) But I'm really still hurt that we broke up even though I'm handling it quite good right now.

There is still a big part of me hoping us to get back together. But will there be a chance? Does he really see me as a friend right now? I even asked if he needed time and space. I'm able and willing to give him that. He says: he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. Just find some peace first. He keeps telling me that he didn't feel any spark anymore and it would not be fair to me. Also saying that it might happen that he falls in love with me again. Only not now. And that I deserve somebody who will goes for me a 100%. But deep in my heart I only want him. And why does he say that? Is it because he wants to pursue his ex??

 

He says it's the best for us to be best friends now and I would find a day that I just can move on. He even makes a joke about my mail are still send to his address and that I've to see him regularly nevertheless. He wouldn't want to loose contact and all of that…and he still loves me as a person and friend and cares about me.

 

I secretly just hope for the day that we will come back together. I think he's just in some kind of clash with himself and that only he doesn't really notice. (He lost his good friend a few months ago and job switch etc.) What do you guys think?

I don't know.. I'm so confused about his feelings towards me. How can it be like this after 5 year relationship. Like it was nothing. Although he doesn't says it was nothing. He said he was happy, but it just wasn't all that. Can a man really just be good friends after a break up? Or will he still be attracted to me? Or does he really already pursueing this other woman??

 

Don't know what I really want to find out here. At least it's some kind of a relieve to write things down and found out about this forum.

Thank you all in advance for reading all this. And sorry again if my english sounds bad.

 

jojean

[Wagga]

Hello!! Sorry to hear about the situation you are in. Breaking up is never easy, especially after 5 years. I think your friends have a point when they say move on. A break up in my opinion should be a clean break to avoid a lot of heartache later on. You are obviously very attached to him which is very much understandable since you were with him for 5 years. There is no way that he can forget what you had straightaway, but he is acting that way to help him move on. You are hurting and that's natural so I think you should try and move on slowly. Even though he says lets be friends and that he MIGHT love you and you MIGHT get back together, it might never happen. You have to listen to yourself. Can you handle being friends? You can try and be friends and hope that things will work out. But what if it doesn't? You'll hurt even more then. Remember not to let anyone dictate your happiness. Happiness is within. Learn to be alone, cry if you have to but never give up. Always believe in yourself and be strong. I know how hard it must be for you but if he doesn't want to be with you let him go. It's the best thing you will do for yourself rather than being disillusionig yourself with false dreams of a future with your ex. Go to a quiet place. Listen to yourself. All the best!!

[Scout]

Hi...I've got some advice for you that will help your boyfriend realize he made the dumbest mistake of his life, but it's going to take incredible will power on your part.

 

Stop all contact with him immediately, and stick to it. As long as you're his "best friend" two things are going to be in place: 1) He's not going to have a chance to miss you, because you'll still be around. 2) He won't realize how much he incredibly screwed up, because you will be letting him off the hook for it by staying around as his friend.

 

If you can handle two, three months of No Contact...here's what is likely to happen. He may try to rekindle things with his ex. And for a while, they might. But reality will rear it's head very soon. Namely, that she has a child and relationship with someone else, and she's not exactly the same person he remembers from ten years ago. The "fantasy" will wear off, and soon he'll be realizing that the person who was in his life for five years is GONE because of his incredible stupidity.

 

I am almost positive he will then come begging for your return.

 

But only if you are seriously GONE - no phone calls, no text messages, no emails, NOTHING - for a significant period of time. A time long enough to really scare the hell out of him.

 

That's your best chance. But it's going to call for monumental will power on your part, and there's one more thing: when he does come crawling back, you may not want him back anymore.

[Big Jim]

Listen to Scout

its true, i was the friend for 4 months now, was always avalible to her, and she contacted me whenever she pleased. I was trying to help her with some of her problems, but i should have just gone NC. That way shed have realized what she gave up, ie someone to lean on etc. She got that all form me without actually being with me. Last week i had told her no more, and meant it, and i think it started to hit her what it was like. Got a lenghty letter about how she loves me etc, would give anything to be with me. I misread it as "lets get back" and got burned bad this week. Shes not ready, and we got in probablay the worst fight we've had yesterday, i feel she hates me now. Scout, do you think there is a chance she will re-evealuate what she has done? i feel like ive blown it completely. Is it too late for NC to have any effect? the longest we have not talked in the last 2.5 years to 1 week.

[Scout]

She possibly could re-evaluate her decision, but again, NC is the way to go to both heal yourself, and to give her a chance to miss you.

 

Let's try to keep this thread focused on jojean's problem, though.

[jojean]

Hey Wagga, Scout, Big Jim. Thanks for al your messages.

I know you should move on. That's what the most people will say. It's only so hard to forget all the good things we had.

I wasn't planning to let him control my happiness. I'm aware of that. That's why I'm calmed down a lot more since a little week.

Most thanks to this forum. Not because it will get me hope that things will get back. (not the main thing. eventually) But just because this forum let me see how you can handle your own emotions right. Well... you know what i mean.

Thanks for your opinion Scout. I think it's the best. And so true what you're saying.

When I will be around he won't see what he's missing. 'cause it will be all too easy for him. I'm going to find a new place to stay. This weekend I'm applying for a room. Hope I will get this one.

Only one thing scares me a bit.. What if he just finds it ok me NC him?...Well..

after reading this again.. than he's probarly not the person i thought he would be..

Let's see what will happen. Thanks for all your thoughts.

And it is easy to misread/misunderstand stuff if you're the one wanting someone. Don't react on any of those (like talking about 'us') until there are really clear signs (because I misunderstood something too..sigh).

And i do think it's the best for having NC for surely more than 2 weeks, Big Jim. Or what Scout says.. 2/3 months maybe better. (So hard to think of that...)

Not only trying to let your ex think. But also give yourself some space alone.

I think that's what I need the most right now.. just a bit exhausted.

Keep you all updated.. and I like to post here. Just to control not to be the emotional wreck. And reading some good thoughts everywhere.

Wish you all also the best.!

[Big Jim]

sorry, my bad lol

[Scout]

That's ok, Big Jim, I just put a post on your thread so you could see I cared about your dilemma too, lol.

 

Ok, jojean...

Only one thing scares me a bit.. What if he just finds it ok me NC him?...

 

Anything's possible, and so is that. But...I've been coming to eNotalone for over two years now, and I've seen this situation many, many times. Where the GUY comes to eNotalone in a panic, asking, "What have I done??? She won't talk to me now, and all I want is to be back with her and make up for my mistake!"

 

And in every one of these instances, the ex girlfriend had stopped all contact.

 

Here's an example...cryvers is seriously regretting his decision to flirt with another girl and let his girlfriend move out. Now he wants more than anything to get back with her:

 

[Big Jim]

I agree, i was upset by the letter my x left me, i was like its only been a week. I knew i was screwed, because she could not have come to her senses in just a week, and lets say she had wanted to get back, there would be no differecne in her or me. You are definatelly doing the right thing, i wish i had. And if he doesnt mind the NC, well then, he wasnt what you thought and you wouldnt want a relationship with him continuing. You want him to miss you so bad it hurts, it may not happen right away. Im assuming there will be an immediate feeling of relief for him, becuase of his new freedom and no longer having to talk to his ex secertly. It will not last, 5 yrs is a long time, and if he truly loves you, he will miss you so bad it hurts, it wont be able to focus on anything, and be wondering what happened, and whyd he let you go so easily. He will compare things his ex says to things you used to etc. I truly believe people make mistakes and get mixed up with what they want. This does not make them a bad person, but he will not realize things with you around. Best of luck

[jojean]

Ohw man feels good to see all of your advices/thoughts. Had a big fight with him. That's the main problem of ours now. That we still are in the same house.

How can I try to act as normal as I can be? I really really want to start NC as soon as possible. 'Cause I also need my time to come to normal senses.

But it might take another 2 weeks to get to this new room. (ugh I hate to do schoolwork at this moment too...)

We later talked on ok. But he seems so darn 'realistic'/plain. (Don't know if i'm using the right word) Like. Yeah it's better for us to not see each other for a while etc. It will do us good. So we can move on. You can fall in love, I might fall in love and so on..

I know this all.. but maybe not wanting to hear from him..

It's so hard because we aren't even yet in the stage of NC...

I can't go to my parents, because they live in another city where i do my study. And it's not what I want too.

And there is a friend of mine who has a brother here with a room i can stay for a while. But that is just for a while. I eventually have to come back to pick up my stuff and go to this new room.

I don't want to go away for 2 weeks and than feeling awkward to pick my things up. I just want to say normal goodbye and than have my NC without talking about the NC with him.

Just let hem do the efford if he wants to in the future.

I'd read some of crvers stuff a bit. A certain part of me hope this will happen.

But when not than I will be happy about having this time and place for my own.

And yes indeed anything can happen. So not hoping about anything at all.

It all will works better if I had a bit of NC doing.

[Scout]

And there is a friend of mine who has a brother here with a room i can stay for a while. But that is just for a while. I eventually have to come back to pick up my stuff and go to this new room.

I don't want to go away for 2 weeks and than feeling awkward to pick my things up.

 

Forget the five minutes of awkwardness, and take up your friend's offer on the temporary room. Two more weeks with your boyfriend and you could end up seriously upset, way beyond what you're feeling now, as hard as that is to imagine.

 

Before you leave for the temporary room, get all your things packed neatly. So when you come to pick them up two weeks later, you'll be in and out. And take a friend with you when you do so you don't break down or freak out.

[jojean]

Thank you Big Jim for this too. I hope in a certain way he will realize... But I guess from now on time will tell.

I hope it will work out for you too. But at this moment you just don't. Maybe because she never had NC more than 1 week with you. She always some kind of know that she can always count on you. This makes it only easier.

[jojean]

Yeah maybe it's the best way indeed. But doing it.. need a push.

It's maybe still some kind of thing just want to see him?? It's just maybe feeling a bit strange me leaving suddenly while I'd talk with him about this new room I'm getting in two weeks..

He still offers me to take the time I want. And yeah.. it will do me no good.

 

You make me think even though. You know what? I will just start packing things up tomorrow (now it's 12:49 am here ;p)

Than that will be ready. And the day after going to get a look in the new room I might can get. Call my friend to ask about the temporary room.

Let's see how I will feel this weekend

[Scout]

You're doing great. Despite the awful shock of the break up, you really are able to think ahead and keep getting through the day, and that's pretty important. I definitely think the sooner you're out of his presense, you'll actually feel better, because you'll be able to really let go of your emotions. Let him see you're in a hurry to leave him behind. That alone will start the wheels of second guessing on his part in motion, and is the first step.

[jojean]

oh..man.. called my friend. Her brother's room isn't available anymore I heard. She didn't know.

How can I handle this?? in the two weeks..

Maybe it's good to read majord23 thread as much as I can.. without losing my head.

But will I screw things totally if I stay here??

[jojean]

Just went back from seeing the room. It went well. The woman who's renting this room seems to be very nice.

Can't really place my emotions right now. Although I'm just calm.

Acting normally and being fine around my ex. I'm just afraid maybe he'll find this way of doing just ok. And will think.. see, it's the best like this, just being friends.

 

Man... feeling so weak now..suddenly. Knowing him sitting in the other room.

Just keep thinking what he might think .. and if he really really is already moving on.

Sometimes i hate it so much.. I still like him.. the way he talks, smile, acts.. just makes me want to hug, hold, kiss etc. him. But i don't want him to see me as weak.. and just pity me.

He's being so understanding/reasonable... i just don't understand. how can his feelings just suddenly disappear..

Trying to hold myself together.

[jojean]

Here i am again.. normally i won't write my thoughts online.

Now it's just feel like i have to.. like a therapy.

A part of me some kind of scared that while i'm staying here this two weeks

won't make him feel any remorse after i leave.

I know I should not care or be bothered with that thoughts.. Although it is how I am feeling..

I try to act as normal and fine as I can be around him. But at the same time I don't really know if it's best way to act.. sometimes I just want to ignore him.

But that only will show him that I'm still hurt very much. I don't want to boost his ego.

Why am I liking him this much?? Why can't he just be an j*rk.. Then it would be easier to get over him.

[jojean]

And he's still in contact with this other ex. ... He tells me he wants to stay in contact with her.

I don't know what to do to think.. to handle to act.. sniff

[jojean]

Today i got the message that i got the room.

It's a good message. The room isn't really good, but it is for the best as an in-between solution to my own place. The lady is nice who rent the room.

But then... i just suddenly feel so down.. again . Cried for a few minutes...

It's just still so hard.. it's now 5 weeks ago that we broke up..

[annie24]

Hey - it will be ok. At least it's a solution for now. Just focus your thoughts on moving and finding a new place to live after that. I've found that moving after a breakup is good, because it's a new place and you can make your own new memories. It makes the breakup easier somehow.

[jojean]

hmmm sometimes so confusing... my ex still act neutral/plain.. but then when he goes to bed and wish me goodnight.. he stills kiss me on the lips..

or when he brings me away when I've to go to my parents he also kiss on my lips to say goodbye..

Is this because he's just used to it... or what?.. well maybe it's just the first..

Till now still not NC.. Hopefully next week.

[jojean]

trying to hold my emotions in. Feel so much anger today.. don't know.

Try to hold back and not going to ask anything about this other ex. Don't know why I just want to ask something about her to him. But it probarly wouldn't help me in a better daylight and will have an effect I don't want either.

.....aarghh.... blowing some steam...

[kadvati79]

If he truly loves you, he will miss you so bad it hurts, it wont be able to focus on anything, and be wondering what happened, and whyd he let you go so easily. He will compare things his ex says to things you used to etc. I truly believe people make mistakes and get mixed up with what they want. This does not make them a bad person, but he will not realize things with you around. Best of luck

 

You hit it mate. I have seen this TIME AND AGAIN in several of my friends. But alas, they don't end in happy stories because the dumpee in these cases has ended up in a much more loving relationship with someone else.

 

I posted about a friend who did the dumping, then three months later regretted it, was too proud to tell the ex. Now, three years later, he tells me he is still madly in love with his ex who is now HAPPILY married to a wonderful guy. I was there when he dumped his ex, and I tell you, it was nasty. I can't believe he said the things he did and it beggars belief as to how he could subsiquently realised that he loved his ex.

 

Perhaps the morale is, people make some bad mistakes for the right reasons.

[jojean]

thanks for reminding me icemotoboy.

Need to keep my head in peace

Whatever will happen.. it will happens. No matter how much I pounder about it

[jojean]

man.. i know it's just stupid to think about...

I know the ex still has contact with this other woman.. the thought of it just make me so... Like I don't excist anymore...

I shouldn't care.. and just think about myself!!... aargh.. i go shopping and take a smoke.. I am NOT going to self-pity

Still blowing my steam off!!