HeckaBekah Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Hey all! I'm in a little predicament right now and I'm pretty sure I know what's the best way to handle everything, but I'd love to read all of your opinions/advice! I met someone over a month ago through my sorority (he's in a fraternity) and it turned out we had a lot in common so he asked for my number. We've hung out a few times and are both interested in each other. I made the mistake of making out with him too early (I started it), which set a more serious tone (we first kissed this last Sunday). At the same time I just went along with it and it was a weird, but nice feeling to know I felt that comfortable around him when I usually wait awhile longer to make out with someone I'm interested in. We hung out last night and I could tell that he wanted to go along with the tone I had already set because he wanted to kiss me (just innocent kisses), hold my hand and cuddle. I started to kiss him and then he asked me if I wanted to ask him anything about himself since I had previously asked him if there was something he wanted to know about me. Out of the blue I asked how many people he had slept with, thinking it hadn't been very many since he seemsto be more interested in pursuing a relationship rather than casually dating. His answer baffled me, especially since I am a virgin. 12 was his answer... After he told me I was silent for awhile and he knew what he said had affected me. He told me that he was a party boy at the last college he attended and that moving back to where he lives now was a way for him to deal with reality. He said that in the last year he's only slept with one person. We ended up talking for awhile, hugging and then he drove me back to my house. Everything seemed to be okay afterward, but his answer is still in my head and I don't know if I can see him quite the same way, but I still see him as being different and a genuinely kind person. But can those qualities go far if our values aren't the same?! I know it's best to just be friends without the cuddling or kissing. I can tell that what I think means a lot to him, but I don't know him enough to know if where he stands is stable or just a feeling that will fade away (it seems that way since he is still very young). I can tell he sees that I am different that a lot of other girls, but since he was promiscuous how different can I possibly be to him? What do you all think?! Link to comment
Goodfun88 Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 I wouldn't be to worried about it. He says thats in his past and you should believe that until he gives you reason not to. I wouldn't worry to much because I'm sure that you take sex very seriously and possibly are waiting until marriage, or for the right guy, so you will be able to tell what he's looking for based on his response to you not wanting to have sex. Does he know that you are a virgin? Link to comment
HeckaBekah Posted March 17, 2006 Author Share Posted March 17, 2006 I am waiting until marriage and have told him that. I don't think he quite understands why and my ex never really did either, and even though they are two different people I wonder if they have similar philosophies about sex and ultimately can't wait. The guy I'm interested said that he regreted a couple, but the rest he didn't regreat because he said he was genuinely interested in them. That does bother me because have sex with someone who will care about me enough to wait until marriage. What is a good way to explain how I feel without making him confused? Maybe he will stay confused since he's slept with many other girls. ???? Link to comment
Lansing Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Hey.... I think a lot of people will never understand your desire to wait. I do though, I am not looking to have sex with random women. There are some guys that will value your beliefs and I suggest that if they are not open to waiting then you should move on to the next guy. I think getting to physical in a relationship screws up things and throws the relationship off balance. Often times, people stay together because of the physical aspects and they "think" they have bounded. Well, I guess I don't have to tell you that. Just make it clear what you want, and see if he truly wants to be "With you" or if he is just looking to add another notch to his belt. I had the opposite situation, (when I was trying to keep things moving slowly, but, I am the guy).... Well, I guess I didn't communicate what was going on enough and the girl got mixed feelings..... Link to comment
DN Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Think of it this way: if he has slept with that many women but is prepared to not have sex with you (or anyone else) if you don't want to then that is a huge sacrifice on his part. He must really think you are the bee's knees if he would do that for you. Link to comment
serve_the_people Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Do you really want be girl number 13 ????? Link to comment
Relationship Coach Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 HB, First this is a huge coincidence but there was a TV show on last night which followed the same storyline, Freddie starring Freddie Prinze Jr. There are various ways to look at it and I share DN's view point the most. If he is willing to understand your commitment to keeping your status of being a virgin intact until you are married and this guy is willing to stay with you, you have found someone you wants to be with you. As long as he respects your wishes and this does not become a quest for him to steal your virginity, this could be the makings of a great relationship. As for his past, it is his past which does not involve you. If things are to get intimate I would still suggest an STD screen. Don't judge him for what he has done in his past but what he is willing to do in his future. RC Link to comment
Arrowsmith Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Bekah, I think you're doing the right thing. I don't know what your reasons are for waiting until marriage to have sex, but a pretty good one is that it's something that you have that he wants - and you have to let him know that sex with you is something precious. I guarentee you that he's hoping you'll change your mind. Realize, however, that when a guy is used to having sex extended kissing/cuddling without release is a frustrating experience -- more negative than positive. Link to comment
Mrocza Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 I think if you place your cards out in the open and he sees where you're at in terms of sex and is able to respect that, there is no reason to cut him off just because he has a sexual past. He may have changed, and regardless, his sexual history has nothing to do with YOUR personal choice to not have sex, nor will it influence you to do so if you don't WANT to. Give him a chance. If he becomes pushy cut him off. Link to comment
Meow18 Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 I think DN had a great point, although everyone else has made some good points too. If he is really interested in you, and has respect for you, then he will wait. And if he does wait, that just means that you are something special worth waiting for to him. Waiting for marriage may not have been his choice. But it is yours. He needs to respect that. And if he really cares about you, he will wait forever. Link to comment
venus777 Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 hmmm... only side of the story that is missing, is that after dating for awhile and he DOES want sex it doesn't mean he doesn't care for you... it's hard to abstain from sex once you've had it... i mean, the reason people do it is cause they like it. Link to comment
HeckaBekah Posted March 18, 2006 Author Share Posted March 18, 2006 I haven't talked to him since he told me how many people he had been with because he's in AZ right now and won't be back until Monday. I still really like him and am willing to take a chance, however I wonder if the differences in our outlook on sex will be a huge problem. He had sex with girls he was interested in and I haven't had sex because I think the right one for me would wait 'til marriage. He did say that since he's been with 12 girls he is less likely to have sex, but I'm sure it would be difficult for someone who's been with that many girls to just stop cold turkey. I could see if he's got a lot of that sexual energy out of his system, but he is only 20 (I am 21) and still has so much more time to be a kid. All I know is that it comes down to choice and if I don't give him the chance to make that choice I might never know what could be. But in giving him that chance I still wonder if it would be best to stop kissing and cuddling and just be friends for awhile. What do you all think? All I know is that I constantly worry what is best and the problem is that I don't have confidence in my choices. I want to be confident and it's so difficult for me to be since there's always a chance that his feelings for me will fade and he will see me as being too different than him (like my ex did). Even if it doesn't work out I'll still have my virginity! It is best either way to just get to know him better as a person. When I get a chance to talk to him I will tell you all how it goes and hopefully you will get a better idea of his intentions. Thank you for your advice! If you have any more thoughts please tell me! -Rebekah Link to comment
venus777 Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 personally, as someone whose had somewhere around 12 sexual partners, I could tell you that holding hand and cuddling and kissing are much more intimate than sex. what i mean, is that people don't do those things usually if they are just using someone, they just have sex with someone if they want to use them. but holding hands and kissing and things can be just as much bonding as sex, if not more so. but i have been used, that's why i can see the difference so clearly. usually people that use distance themselves more from the person... so... i think that if you aren't sure, you are right, it's better to just get to know him as a person and not kiss and cuddle. i mean, that's just my opinion based on what you are saying... and my personal experience with such things. i just think that those things can definitely cloud your judgment and can quite easily escalate to sex. Link to comment
Kevin T Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 Wow, a girl who actually believes in saving herself for marriage! What a rare commodity to behold in this day and age! Good luck and God bless, Rebekah! Link to comment
HeckaBekah Posted March 19, 2006 Author Share Posted March 19, 2006 I can tell he's not using me because he does cuddle with me, gives me innocent kisses and holds my hand. To be honest with you, I better understand this kind of body language now since the last guy I was interested didn't show that affection. The last time I saw him I didn't kiss him and oddly enough it has been over a couple of weeks since he has last spoken to me. I understand what you're saying venus777, and that is if I'm not sure if we are really compatible it would be best to abstain from kissing, cuddling and holding hands since it truly is more intimate and thus creates a deeper level of closeness between two people. I know I was more hesitant at first holding hands than making out with him and that was because I wanted to give in to those urges before I could open up to a deeper level of intimacy. It will be very difficult to stop, especially sense I've already bonded with him in that aspect. I'm not sure how him and I are going to react. We are both very passionate people, so it will be tough. How can I best explain my thoughts to him? To Kevin T: Thanks so much for your kind words!! It means a lot to me! Link to comment
HeckaBekah Posted March 31, 2006 Author Share Posted March 31, 2006 I wanted to update you all on my story. So he came back on the monday after Spring Break (a couple of weeks ago) and I didn't hear from him until Wednesday and after we had a casual conversation I called back a little later to ask if he wanted to meet up for lunch the next day. I didn't hear from him until Friday and then I didn't call back until Saturday. Then I called him on Sunday to invited to go to a soccer tournament my sorority was organizing (his fraternity was in the tournament), but I didn't hear from him so I didn't try to make anymore effort. Well on Tuesday of this week I happen to see him at the library and briefly chatted with him. He said I should call him and then I didn't answer so he asked, "No? Alright I'll call you later". So the next day he called and apologized for not calling that night. Then he called again the next day and we talked about possibly seeing each other during his class break, but I figured it wasn't going to happen because I knew I needed to distance myself even further. Well today I found out that he hung out with another girl...not a big deal right? Wrong! He said the same things to her as he did to me! What an * * *! So I'm not giving him a chance...he's already too comfortable where he's at with me and a guy's going to have to make so much more effort for me to even think twice about him! A part of me still wants to try with this guy, but I know that he wouldn't give me as much respect if I went along with this kind of behavior. Just wanted to share with all of you what happened... Link to comment
Arrowsmith Posted April 1, 2006 Share Posted April 1, 2006 Aren't you glad you didn't sleep with him? Link to comment
HeckaBekah Posted April 1, 2006 Author Share Posted April 1, 2006 Hell yeah! This is one of the reasons why I'm a virgin! Link to comment
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