Divorce - which path should I take?

[elite867]

Hello. It has been a while since I last posted, I have missed posting and I am writiing today because my life is moving in a direction that both terrifies me as well as liberates me.

 

Please bear with me as I disclose the details of my marriage so that you can better understand where I am coming from.

 

I met my husband in a mental institution. As crazy as it sounds, no pun intended, he and I were both suicidal and both tried to kill ourselves roughly about the same time. We met and became close very quickly. Our relationship grew on that fact that we were both so miserable and we gave one another the proverbial shoulder to cry on. This is how we survived.

 

Before long, our relationship grew into love and we got married one year later. I realize I am jumping ahead of myself here. One other thing you must understand is that I was never aloud to date as a teenager. I had my first boyfriend when I moved out at 18y/o and met my husband-to-be at 22 y/o. Prior to him, my longest relationship lasted for six months as I was the clingy girl who had to call a guy about 50,000 times per minute.

 

So, where was I, oh yes. We married in 2003 and have been married for 3 years now. As the last three years are a bit of a blur, let me list to you the issues we have:

1. He was previously married for 8 years and has three beautiful children. The children live with his ex-wife, who is extremely vindictive.
   
2. His first year as a divorcee he neglected to pay his child support until he was suid by child support enforcement.
   
3. When the children come to visit he leaves it to me to take care of, cook for, clean up after and discipline them.
   
4. He should call them at least once a week, instead he calls them once a month or once every other month.
   
5. He brings me in the middle of every conversation/argument with his ex and her new husband.
   
6. His ex and her new hubby call me, email me and instant message me in which they complain about how my husband does not call the kids and they are sad.
   
7. I try to get him to call, but he refuses stating that if he calls, he will have to talk to 'her.'
   
8. He has a horrible temper. Although he has not been physical towards me, he has been very abusive towards himself as well as our belongings.
   
9. I am catholic and working on my MBA. My husband is pagan and is getting his bachelors. He is working on his degree not to better himself, but to shut me up about the importance of education. In fact, a couple times, he got so mad at me, he refused to go to class just to spite me.
   
10. In addition to classes, he also refuses to wear his seatbelt, helmet etc whenever he is mad at me. He will also get out of the car and walk home no matter how far we are from home. He has yelled at me in front of his co-workers, my friends and their children, his children, his parents (who adore me), and complete strangers.
    
11. He is so sexually unromantic that it turns me off. He does things like if I say "I am hungry, do you want breakfast?" He would say, "sure, how bout some sausage" Then he will pull it out and shake in front of my face. -- He does this ALL the time!!!

I think that about covers it. i spend the majority of my time crying about how mad he got at me because he misunderstood something I said and then I have to wait 2 to 3 days for him to calm down enough so we can work it out. however, by that time, we usually just sweep it under the carpet and it does not get resolved.

 

I also do not want to talk to his ex-wife. i told him that once, and he blew up saying that I do not support him. But my step father never once spoke to my father and my step mother never spoke to mother. If they did, it was because one of them had answered the phone and they simply put the other person on the phone.

 

I pay for his children's plane tickets to come to visit us. i take time off of work and rearrange my schedule to take care of them. i make all the money and clean the house and he spends the money and dirties the house with beer bottles and throwing his laundry everywhere.

 

I want to stay home and spend a quiet evening watching a movie - he wants to go out and come home at 3am stinking of beer.

 

Oh and one more thing!! About four or five weeks ago I had a laparotomy. The doctor removed a 14 cm ovarian cyst from my right ovary. I was in the hospital for about 4 days and I told my husband that when i come home to please have everything ready for me as I would be helpless for the next couple of weeks. Not only was the house trashed when I came home, the bed was not prepared for me and he dropped me off, left me standing in the middle of the room and left to fill my prescription (which he at first refused to fill because it cost too much).

 

After several weeks of silently thinking about all this, my resolve is that we became close because we were both at rock bottom. We were the same, both suicidal and very lonely. We built each other up until we became self-sufficient. Once that happened, we grew into our true selves who were two very different people.

 

I think my marriage is over. I think we just have not said it yet. I am scared to death to imagine my life without him, yet I am scared to death to stay with him. Thinking of how he treats his kids, how would he treat our kids?

 

If I am to end this marriage I will have to do it before we have children because i do not want my kids to have a father that only calls once every other month.

 

I dream of a man that is like me. Wants the same things I want, likes quiet evenings at home - values education, religion, and family. Most importantly I dream of a man that will love our children more than life itself and could not take one breath without wanting to be with me or our children.

 

Is that too much to ask for?

 

Please advise, should I try to make it work...or should I call it quits before it gets more complicated?

[melrich]

should I try to make it work...or should I call it quits before it gets worse?

 

It sounds like this guy is really dragging you down. If it were me, I'd end it. I can understand how that terrifies you but the alternative to me sounds far worse. People can change to an extent but from what you describe, this guys behaviours are ingrained.

[RandomAdvisor]

I agree with melrich. Time to end this marriage. You should consult a divorce attorney in your area for advice on how to proceed. I'm thinking it might be a good idea to find an apartment or close family you can stay with, and move your stuff out before you file the divorce papers. I think it's possible he could become violent, but there's no telling for sure - this is part of why you should leave him.

[eljose]

I agree, move on. Someone like that is unlikely to change dramatically.

[Scout]

Hon...I really hate to say this, but...you are married to a child who has zero coping skills. Get out of this marriage now while you can, please.

[smallworld]

Elite, The last straw for me would have been when you came home from the hospital to a trashed house and he refused to get the prescription. If you can't count on him when you've just been through surgery, when could you ever???

 

I agree with the other posters, but if it'll ease your conscience, invite him to go to marital counseling with you. He probably won't go, but his negative response will tell you all you need to know about giving him any more chances.

 

I know right now it's scary to be thinking about divorce, but honestly I think it's more frightening to think about having kids with this man. You can do better and you deserve better as well. Good luck!

[elite867]

Update - He and I separated in January 2007 and are divorce was final Nov 8, 2007! I could not take your advice when I wrote this - but one more year of agony gave me the strength to leave.

 

I am with my family again where I am loved and I am happy to be away from the situation (but still a bit sad my marriage failed).

 

Thank you to everyone who tried to help me, after reading my post with my new environment and understanding (you know, the proverbial veil has beenlifted) - I can see that I definitely made the right decision!

 

Thanks

[JadedStar]

I am very glad elite. had i read this message when it was current i would have told you that you and he met at a time when you both were spiritually and emotionally compatible, but over time the shelf life expired. Sometimes divorce is healthy when two people's needs grow as different as yours and his did.

 

I am glad you did what you had to do. Divorce CAN be healthy. Sorry who that offends. JMO.

 

This said it all:

 

my resolve is that we became close because we were both at rock bottom. We were the same, both suicidal and very lonely. We built each other up until we became self-sufficient. Once that happened, we grew into our true selves who were two very different people.

 

[elite867]

Jaded star, I definitely agree with you. There is a stigma with divorce, as there should be because marriage is pretty serious; however, when the marriage is abusive and hateful, then divorce is a good thing.

 

I let my fear of having a failed marriage keep in the marriage - I did not want to be a failure and I did not want to be alone.

 

The truth is that I don't feel like a failure, I feel strength and resolve that I was able to get in control of my life and stand up for myself.

 

Also, I heard that it is better to be single and lonely than married and miserable. That is very true - I am lonely sometimes but I way happier than I ever was in my marriage!

[JasminT]

Call it quits. But make sure you do it carefully as he could be dangerously abusive and don't be swayed by his threats to hurt or kill himself, which may be verbal or made through his actions, like not wearing a seatbelt or helmet.

 

You're drowning under the weight of his world, immaturity, bad history and abuse. It's also obvious to us, the peanut gallery, that he doesn't value his life, your life or his children's lives.

 

Call it quits.

[benga]

Call it quits. But make sure you do it carefully as he could be dangerously abusive and don't be swayed by his threats to hurt or kill himself, which may be verbal or made through his actions, like not wearing a seatbelt or helmet.

 

You're drowning under the weight of his world, immaturity, bad history and abuse. It's also obvious to us, the peanut gallery, that he doesn't value his life, your life or his children's lives.

 

Call it quits.

 

I think she has already called it quits... The divorce was final last month

[elite867]

Call it quits. But make sure you do it carefully as he could be dangerously abusive and don't be swayed by his threats to hurt or kill himself, which may be verbal or made through his actions, like not wearing a seatbelt or helmet.

 

You're drowning under the weight of his world, immaturity, bad history and abuse. It's also obvious to us, the peanut gallery, that he doesn't value his life, your life or his children's lives.

 

Call it quits.

I think she has already called it quits... The divorce was final last month

 

Yep, I sure have - Although, I like the affirmation - it is just more proof to me that I made the right decision!