She wants me back (again)

[Royltnxile]

Lifeistough,

 

She's is outright saying she wants to try again right? She doesn't seem to be doing the "mixed message" thing, and she sounds sincere. If you want to try again with her then it doesn't matter if she was with somone else while you were apart. Put that thought out of your mind. The important thing is what she wants NOW. Perhaps she has played the field and has decided that YOU ARE DA MAN for her. Don't let your pride get in the way, and don't listen to the posters on this thread who somehow think she is "tainted goods" just because she was with another man while she was in no way committed to her. People live their lives, and that includes having sex with others while not in a committed relationship. Get over it already, and if you can't...then decline her offer to try again and move on, just make sure you aren't making a terrible mistake based on perverted pride.

 

Many, many people on this site would kill to be in the position your in with your ex. Don't screw it up!

[DN]

I just think it is silly to let pride get in the way of possible happiness with someone who loves you. The idea that once someone has been with you sexually you will never take them back if they have had sex with someone else is as valid as any other feeling but I happen to think it could lead to a lifetime of regret. I would prefer to take it as very flattering to me that she could not find anyone who matched up.

[majord23]

Everyone,

 

I understand the fact that someone has been with your ex while you are broken up can be hard. I know I would feel awful about my ex bf being with someone else while we were apart but if it made him decide that he loves me and will put his all into our relationship for the rest of our lives, it would worth it.

 

Again whatever you decide is up to you, Good luck with your decision.

 

Spot on Nat

 

If someone were to break up with me, date/sleep with others and the decide it's me that she wants...I wouldn't rule out taking them back at all.

 

I would rather that than her cheating on me.

 

NC reduces the 'risk' of hearing what your ex is up to as well, so in some cases it is never really an issue.

 

On occasions when I have reconciled with an ex, I have always made it a 'rule' to start afresh - as far as I was concerned, whatever happened while we were apart was none of the other's business...and no good could possibly come from discussing it.

[haley999]

I totally agree with DN. Although it would hurt to think about that person being with someone else, the point is that she didn't like the experience and continued to think about you. Indeed, it may have been the tipping point for her in realizing how much she cares for you. It may have opened her eyes.

 

Also, it was pretty brave of her to own up to it and be honest with you about the circumstances of her life during your separation. Try not to punish her for trying to start with a clean slate and with honesty - you really would not want it any other way.

 

As far as the thought of her and the other - instead of imaging some incredibly hot, passionate sex try thinking about the most awkward, unsatisfying experience and her thinking about you the whole time!

[solo34]

See, where were U guys earlier when I needed U all 2 back me up. I don't think that the ex would be "tainted goods" and all that other BS. It's called learning from our mistakes. If she left and came back even after giving a chance 2 some other guy and they had sex, that wouldn't matter.

 

All that would matter 2 me is that I have another chance 2 be happy with her in life and potentially have her 4 my wife and all that. That would be wonderful 2 have a RARE 2nd chance. Take the chance if U have it. She obviously wants YOU, man. Pride is 4 fools.

 

-Solo34

[lifeistough]

guys, I am sorry for not replying sooner. Don't think the advise didn't go unappreciated. I read every reply, I just hadn't got round to replying yet. After the past few days it appears things are not as black and white as they did when I started this thread. She is really screwing me about. She is being unintentionally malicious. She is unsure whether she wants me back. This is just too much for me to handle right now.

 

I don't think it's fair of her, given my current state of emotion, to imply she wants me back when she is not committed to getting me back, and I have just told her so.

 

It seems as if she is using me as a backup plan. She contacts me only when she feels lonely. She is not worth this amount of pain. If only I had the strength to tell her where to go...

[lifeistough]

I honestly think that her recent change of mind has been because I didn't act sooner. She said "one day you might take me out". She wanted me to take her out then and there, but how could I be expected to put all this * * * * under the carpet and take her out then and there?

 

So if she has had a sudden change of heart then maybe she has found yet someone else!! (she says she hasn't, and refuses any "heavy talk" at the moment).

 

This isn't the girl I used to love. She was so in love with me. She said it would take years to find someone else if we ever broke up with me. She has told lie after lie to get me to still be in love with her while she does her own thing. She is right, I deserve better

 

Unfortunately she has set my standards very high (physically). It's just a matter of finding better....

[kadvati79]

I think she is not coping with this very well and is bouncing between wanting to be with you and wanting to be single and free. I don't think she lied to you, at the time that was how she felt and possibly she was being naive. When you are in love it consumes you.

 

She's probably got a lot of her own BS to work through, and its coming out as messing you around emotionally. I suppose in this situation NC is your friend. It will give you some time to heal and think about what your real emotions are.

 

I don't think its a good idea to think you should "find better" in another person, you should use this time to "find better" inside yourself dude.

 

If you go out with the intention of using someone else to replace a hole in your life or your heart, you are always going to be reliant on that person to be happy.

[lifeistough]

well, I decided to stop playing games and be completely up front. She basically reiterated what icemoto said with :

 

 

(ex-gf) says:

listen i got ur txt but hav no cred to reply jus got in a nd hav to go straight bak out again to work... i dont know why im so messed up and for that as usual im sorry i go thru stages of missing u so muc hand wishing we were still together...i know i dont want to not be talking to u as i hated it. i do think about u all the time and the last thing i want to do is hurt u which is why i dont want

(ex-gf) says:

to jump into anything and just end up messing everything up

(ex-gf) says:

things are only just startin to look up by getting a job and i want to9 concentrate on that part of my life for sure at the moment and not relationships at all. i dont want to not talk to you and i enjoy seeing u out etc but im too scared to do anything at the moment until i know whats right and best and what happens happens...if this you cant understand im osrry but dnt think i lie when i say

(ex-gf) says:

i think about you or miss u as it still stands i just dont want to ruin everything in my life again, i want to be normal

(ex-gf) says:

if i dont talk to you one day it doesnt mean im ignoring you etc

(ex-gf) says:

im not saying i dont want you

(ex-gf) says:

i must go im osrry to not be able to wait 4 reply but very late

 

 

 

Right now I can conclusively state that I do not want her back. However the last thing I wanted was another 2 months of heart ache, butterflies and not being able to eat!

[lifeistough]

Actually she has really wound me up now.

 

This was supposed to be my decision whether I wanted her back, not hers. She always manages to turn this around. This is the second time this exact situation has happened.

 

Time flows like a river and history repeats

[solo34]

Hey man, you're over-reacting. All that she's saying is that now that she got a job, she wants 2 focus on THAT aspect of her life 4 the MOMENT.

 

Probably 2 get used 2 the routine of having this new job, etc. She wants 2 get settled into her new life routine, without having 2 juggle a BF at the same time.

 

Chill out on this, man. She's telling U that she DOES want U, miss U, think about U, etc. You're blind 2 what positive she's saying 2 U. Look, she was already behind her schedule but still took time 2 write U something. If she DIDN'T care at all or even want U, etc. she wouldn't have written U a damn thing.

 

2 me, you're being really selfish and greedy right now...when U shouldn't be.

 

Give her some time 2 be acquainted with the new job, etc. and I bet U that she'll come around. The last thing U want 2 do is act like a selfish and greedy non-understanding BF. It's time 2 back off and let her know that U support and respect her decision.

 

In time, she'll more than likely be with YOU. Chill 4 the moment, man.

 

-Solo34

[lifeistough]

Solo, thanks for the reply.

 

Thing is, I am sure she will never be with me. As soon as we start to get close she backs off. The new job seems like just another excuse.

 

Maybe I am being selfish but when she is putting me through this amount of pain I tend to care more about myself than her.

 

I do not think she would ever want me back. She sees me as a backup plan, a comfort blanket when she falls out with her friends.

 

Actually, I saw her tonight just now in the bar ( again!!). She came up and I said hi then I basically turned away.... I don't know what to say to her. She was tarted up to the max. I seriously cannot go through pretending to be ok with her again and living in hope that she'll come back. I cannot handle waiting for her to make a decision. Whenever she decides to get back with me, as soon as I return the feelings she * * * *s me off.

 

How can I live like this?

 

This has been going on about 5 months now.

 

I run a business and have employees and * * * *. I can't face going to work for the next year filled with grief and emotion while she decides if she wants me back or not.

 

It's like I am waiting for death.

[DN]

Time to move on. You have decided that she will never come back so proceed accordingly. Take the time to heal and then go find someone who loves you as you deserve.

[solo34]

Yup, now that U fully explained yourself, it's definitely time 2 move on. Definitely...

 

No looking back, either. U got lots 2 look 4ward 2...U got your own business, etc. Put your best foot 4ward, have a positive outlook on life and work.

 

U'll be fine.

 

-Solo34

[eljose]

Move on brother. I have been down this road before. Women this conflicted about what they want out of life do not come to terms with it easy or quickly. May happen tomorrow, may be 15 years from now, may be never.

 

I have a friend that is suffering through this big time with his wife. On and off for two and a half years. When they lonelyness sets in, she comes a calling, when he gets closer, she pulls away. Nice deal for her, but he is getting put through the wringer.

 

I am sure she means everything she says that keeps him hoping, but she has some issues and is not trying to work through them together. She is trying to work them out on her own and only using him to ameliorate the lonelyness. That is not right.

 

I feel your girl may be doing the same, she wants to figure it out on her own, but she wants you to help make it less painfull. In the meantime, it is more painfull for you. That is not a healthy relationship.

 

Good luck, J

[lifeistough]

Thank you guys.

 

You have confirmed my fears, I have told you most of the situation and I trust your senses.

 

I am going to try my best to move on.

 

I feel like texting her right now, or phoning her, letting her know all my feelings and, to be honest, even if I did I don't think I could get any more hurt than I am now.

 

But from the sounds of things total NC is the way to go? Or should I send her a final letter or something announcing my inability to continue with this nonsense?

[DN]

I would send the text. Don't be emotional just matter of fact. Tell her that you are not convinced that she will ever be able to make a commitment to a relationship in a way that can make either of you happy so you are going to move on and will not contact her again.