Afraid to start dating again!

[mystik]

your ex sounds immature to the hilt and a real loser - that was a really crappy, selfish thing to do to you. how come you don't see it as cheating on you? emotionally and physically - that's tough. you ARE better off without an idiot like that!!

 

 

I didn't find it to be cheating because it wasn't any different from before he started falling for her. During the first 11 months of dating, he spent a lot of time with her and her best friend anyway. Sometimes I would hang out with all of them. They had all been close before he even met me. He never actually did anything physical with her, the only thing that he did, was continue what he had always done, be her best friend. I know he didn't even find her attractive because I overheard him talking once...then some friend of his said "hey, ____ is cute!" and my ex was like "really? you think so?" I think that's what triggered it. Anyway, the difference at the end, was that he did it while wondering if he liked her as more than that. So in all fairness, he should have told me when he started wondering. He told me that he didn't because he was hoping he would get over liking her, that he hoped it was just a phase. I'm not defending the way he did it, but I know he didn't mean to be an as*hole, I was his first real long term girlfriend and he had no idea how to deal with it.

 

The ironic thing is, I talked to him last night and he told me that he has decided he's not going to pursue her anymore. He's decided she's not his type. He said now he's completely lost about what kind his "type" is...and that the only thing he can think of that he would like in a girl, is that she likes working out and running. I can't believe how superficial he has become. He wasn't like this when we first started dating. Halfway through, he started going to the gym and gradually starting caring SOOO much about what he looked like. I would always catch him looking at himself in the mirror, and he would start telling me how I looked best with makeup, without my eyebrow ring, with black hair, etc etc near the end. I don't know if it was because he wasn't that attractive in highschool and he just grew into his looks. BUT I realize how immature and superficial and dumb that is. Someone who cares that much about looks is never going to be happy and I don't want someone like that.

 

Your ex should not have done what he did. A relationship is a private thing and he had no right to get everyone involved like that. My ex didn't talk to anyone about it, in fact I still run into some friends of his and I'm the one telling them we broke up (not close friends, granted). I made him promise not to tell anyone it was because of her, as that would hurt even more, and he kept his promise. I guess that's one of the few reasons why I still think he's a decent guy, he just needs to grow up a lot more, and realize what's really important in life. I'm going for someone older next time! lol.

 

By actually putting your NY plan into effect, is a huge thing. You're taking huge risks by doing this by yourself and I think it's great. March-April will be alright, enotalone will hopefully make it easier! Do you see anyone, or take anything for your depression? I think, we're allowed to make mistakes in life you know. Otherwise, what would we have to learn from? I know exactly what kind of behaviour I will NOT accept from future partners, and if I see any of it, I'm saying BYE BYE. ...especially, if he spends more time looking in the mirror than I do and asking for hair gel for a valentines day present. I'm not even joking.

[lgirl]

it's good you can see how superficial and immature he is (hair gel for valentine's? is he latent gay do ya think? lol) and that he's not for you. you've definitely dealt with it better than i would. i agree we can learn from our mistakes, but i feel i didn't need to learn the lessons i have learned so bitterly; i don't see why it had to be through such painful circumstances and yes i have learned stuff, but it has left me feeling damaged with issues i never had before - surely that's not how it's supposed to work? as for future r/shps i feel way too messed up to even contemplate one, yet that's precisely the distraction i need like i said before i dread it; i can't shake what a bitter experience this has been and i definitely got burned. think i 've developed an aversion to r/shps now! so as far as i'm concerned, screw learning from your mistakes - look where it's left me emotionally! i just want to feel better as opposed to bitter, ya know? it's good you can see yr ex as decent, the good impression i had of my ex when we were together (i even used to feel he inspired me to be a better perosn, can you believe it??!!) has been completely destroyed. i see him now in the most negative way - a callous loser, a real s*** i got him sooo wrong.; anything 'decent' has been tarnished by his inexcusable behaviour at the end...

 

PS no i don't take anything and i'm not seeing anyone for the depression. just trying to soldier through it. i'm not pro-meds and i am sceptical about the benefits of therapy. trying to fnd my own way out of this and so frustrated i'm still not over it. am hoping the NY trip will be a big enough distraction to keep me occupied; i have to do it even tho' it's not easy and i have all kinds of conflicting thoughts about it (+ fear of the unknown etc) b/c then he really will have robbed me. (BTW it's May-July i'm going)

 

i guess it's slowly but surely... 2 months ago i couldn't see a future. now i'm taking steps to get one. just have to get past this 'anniversary' and hopefully i'll be on my way (can't take much more of this to be honest)!

[Juha]

Igirl,

 

I am so sorry that this happened to you and that you feel this way...

 

I am in the same boat as you... I just feel that it is not worth it anymore, I am done for at least awhile with anything serious... I am not angry anymore, just having a good time and taking care of me...

 

I do have women I go out with but I have told them up front I am not looking for anything serious... They don't have a problem with it so it works, for now...

 

I am not emotionally attached to them and that is how I want it... I don't want to sound cold hearted, I do care for them...

 

To me it just is not worth it so I am protective of myself and guarded...

 

It is not a bad thing to take care of yourself... I am sure one day my walls will get broken down, when or how I don't know...

 

SO don't worry about it and live, for you... Things will take care of themselves but take care of you first...

 

Just know that you are not alone...

[lgirl]

Juha,

 

thanks for your kind words of support. the thing is i started out from a point of not trusting and hoped that thru my r/shp with my ex that i would learn to trust more and i thought i was (his love encouraged me to open up); it felt so right with him my barriers started to come down - only for him to abuse that trust in the most callous way. now i feel as tho' i'm back to not trusting, keeping the defences up, which i realised a while back isn't a good place to be. i feel so much more wary than i was before and it saddens me greatly to now think i will always hold back, never get attached again - r/shps without meaning, without true feelings just depresses me, but i can't take that risk again. the saddest thing no one's worth it. i have lost a lot of hope in ever having a loving, healthy r/shp

 

anyhoo, it's good to know i'm not the only one - thank you! at least you're having a good time while you get thru it

 

guess i'm still terribly bruised...

[mystik]

I suppose I can still see my ex as a good person because I know he didn't mean it. I'm not making excuses for him, he didnt' make the best decisions regarding our relationship...but overall, he treated me well. I think he's an id*ot now, superficial and immature, but he's not an as*hole like many of the other guys who I've dated. Maybe I feel this way because of who I have to compare him to but whatever. The best thing I can do is find someone much better and be like "ha, in your face." The fastest way for me to move on is to find someone else to think about. That was always how it was, though this time I'll approach it with much more caution.

 

Yeah, I'm skeptical of seeing someone for my problems as well. I know therapy and/or drugs can do wonders for some people, and I respect that. But for myself, I'd rather just "soldier" on like you said. I think in a way, then at the end of it all, I can feel like "I did it." I however, know I wouldn't be able to without my strong support group of family and friends..and I know some don't have that so it's a lot harder.

 

2 months ago i couldn't see a future. now i'm taking steps to get one. just have to get past this 'anniversary' and hopefully i'll be on my way (can't take much more of this to be honest)!

 

I think you'll do fine...because you have hope (maybe not in relationships, but your future). No matter how damaged you think you are, you're still DOING something about it. You're trying, and that's all you can do right now. You can't help the things you feel, but at least you're taking action. The NY thing is a huge step...and like you said, 2 months ago you couldn't see a future....now you can. You'll be even further along in two months. You say you're unsure if you'll ever be completely over it...I'm pretty sure you will be. Why? Because your anger/hatred towards your ex, and your determinination to prove you're better than him (not wanting to let him rob you of everything) seems to be pushing you in the right direction.

 

P/S - I think there's much more people out there just as afraid! And many of them have gotten over their fears...I'm really keen to be one of them.

[lgirl]

thanks mystik,

 

it's funny you say i have hope in my future when that's exactly what i feel i'm missing!! i wish i did have some hope, then i'd feel so much better about things. i'm only 'soldiering' on b/c i'm not ready to commit suicide - i have to try this first. if this NY 'project' doesn't work out, then who knows... this isn't what i wanted or where i want to be at this stage in my life; it feels like it all went wrong and i missed the boat and now i'm scrabbling to find something, stem the wound; i hate feeling the way i do and i feel like this pretty much every day; have been for the last 11months... i feel my spirit has been crushed and yes, i'm trying to move forwards but only b/c there is no other way to go - it's try this or kill myself - not what i call a positive attitude. i can't go back and change things, so i have to try this, all the while fighting off depression and trying to move on with no closure (i still don't know why he destroyed things). yes, i am doing it to avenge myself in a way; show that i got back up after his emotional battering; i want to make him look a fool for having let me slip thru his fingers so casually, but i have no way of knowing if he'll ever know if i succeeded, so it's a very empty, unsure feeling i have. this is not where i want to be right now; he wasted 2 years of my life or rather I wasted 2yrs of my life on him, a loser! even though i recognise that in a perverse way this could be the making of me, i resent i am having to go thru so much pain to reach my 'destiny'... it's not that the r/shp ended, it's HOW and WHAT he did that was so damaging for me

 

i don't think i'll ever get over his cruelty, even tho' i'm sure i'll be over him in time, b/c i will always bear the scar - he scarred me for life and the best i can hope for is that i feel less bruised than now. but i won't trust anyone like that again.

 

The fastest way for me to move on is to find someone else to think about.

i wish i could do the same b/c that would really be good for me; wished it had happened already, but the reality is i'm too messed up now...

 

sorry for sounding so negative. i keep trying to focus on the 'positives' (like in my work; things that i'm making happen), but i can't seem to shake these feelings. i think if i knew he was paying for what he did, i would feel a ton better!!

[mystik]

Don't worry about sounding negative, it's not you who put yourself in this situation. HE did it. Don't every apologize for your feelings!

 

Say whatever you want, but I still call what you have "hope." Any attempts of focusing on the positive - no matter how much it fails, and any type of 'soldiering' on counts to me. You don't have to believe that, but I do

 

No, I wouldn't advise getting into another relationship or anything like that for you either. I meant, personally for me, it would help, but we are in slightly different places now.

 

Ah revenge, how many posts are there on that? I don't know, maybe you'll never even find out, but if he's that big of an as*hole he's got it coming for him one way or the other. Seriously, he has it coming...karma man. Just think, there's nooo way someone could be that horrible of a person and never get anything bad in return happening to them. It has to happen...lol just believe it and maybe it'll make you feel better! That's what I keep thinking...man my ex is going to get dumped one day, and have his heart ripped out. He has to. It's only fair that everyone has to experience this.

[lgirl]

THANK YOU mystik for your words of encouragement!! it really helps to read yr perspective on my situation.

 

haha, revenge - i have contributed to a lot of those posts!!

Seriously, he has it coming...karma man. Just think, there's nooo way someone could be that horrible of a person and never get anything bad in return happening to them. It has to happen...lol just believe it and maybe it'll make you feel better! That's what I keep thinking...man my ex is going to get dumped one day, and have his heart ripped out. He has to. It's only fair that everyone has to experience this.

those are exactly my sentiments, tho i have been discouraged recently by people saying karma doesn't exist and that stuff like this is never fair, so get over it but i hope that everyone around him now is a liar and a cheat; that anyone he gets involved with cheats on him or lets him down big time. i hope that's what happens, but i'll never know it's knowing that would free me. it feels like he got off scot-free in all this; i'm left paying the price, clearing up the toxic mess he left me with. that can't be right, can it?

 

about getting into a new r/shp - i NEED one to distract me, blot out any thoughts of the ex. really need that attention from someone - someone to give me back my faith in love, in people... but i feel too messed up like i said and i really fear i will never be close to a man again and even if i could be it will take time (it took me so long to find my ex!), so at the rate i'm going, i will be at least 40. (i am 38 this Sat) nothing wrong in being 40, except i thought i'd be settled by then, maybe with a kid and now it's all gone pear-shaped. don't know what i want and have horrible fear of winding up with nothing...

 

i can't tell you HOW MUCH i regret getting involved with him. it has put me off r/shps for life

[lgirl]

i hope you're joking Dako. it breaks my heart to keep hearing that b/c my ex was a man, i shouldn't have expected more from him. that i shouldn't be surprised he cheated on me with someone he's too embarrassed to be seen in public with b/c he was a man and that's what men are like. they'll f*** anything. am i a fool for thinking they can't all be like that?

 

there have to be some decent men somewhere...

[NJRon]

Well, hmm... that's kind of a loaded question I think there are plenty of men that aren't like that. I mean, there was this one chick I saw one time that I didn't f***. So, it can't be all that bad.

[Dako]

40 isn't exactly the end of the world. To me, you're a young woman!

I know how it feels to have things collapse. I was planning to retire with my ex and have fun. Now, it's all gone, but I'm starting to explore again and finding new joys.

Most guys are pretty good people. Some stink.

 

After you recover, you may find we aren't so terrible, but I know you're having a hard time. I can take it.

[Bethany]

am i a fool for thinking they can't all be like that?

 

there have to be some decent men somewhere...

 

No you're not a fool, you're someone who has been hurt. All men are NOT like that, some men love one woman for all their lives and never cheat or hurt anyone they love, and that's the truth.

[lgirl]

i have nothing against men - i was only replying to dako's post that said men are crap - NOT my view and never has been despite my experience with my a$$hole exbf. i am so fed up hearing that from OTHER people; that i am naive to think they're better than that. makes me feel like i'll never find a decent guy if (as i keep being told by everyone) they're all like that deep down.

 

 

NJRon - your tone is offensive and i don't find it amusing at all.

[Dako]

You're hurting, lady. I know how it is when the other gender looks like a herd of selfish creeps, but they can eventually morph into good friends.

You just need some time with yourself.

I'm in the same boat as far as that goes.

[lgirl]

i don't think men are a bunch of creeps. i seem to be the ONLY one who thinks they're not. it is EVERYONE ELSE (including other men) who keep telling me not to expect them to be decent. that's what i find so upsetting. like, how silly of me to have trusted one or believed my ex when he told me he was a one-woman man...

[mystik]

 

about getting into a new r/shp - i NEED one to distract me, blot out any thoughts of the ex. really need that attention from someone - someone to give me back my faith in love, in people... but i feel too messed up like i said and i really fear i will never be close to a man again ...

 

OKAY I lied. I just broke NC last night for the first time in five weeks.... it was actually the first time I saw him since he broke up with me five weeks ago.. and I just feel like crap. We go to the same campus bar/club so it had to happen eventually. I tried dancing, distracting myself with other guys and it just made me feel SICK. I ended up sitting there half the time and leaving early. I don't know if it was because I saw him, and was reminded but it just made my whole heart plummet. He has told me a few times already that he won't go and try to pick up girls there, because that's where we met, and it was our "place" so it wasn't like he was with-with another girl. In fact that girl he left me for, then decided wasn't his type, wasn't even there. And all his guy friends were so nice to me too, telling me they still love me even if I'm not with him. Others just made sure to say hi to me when I walked by, even ones I weren't close to. Even one of his girl friends delibrately went out of her way to see how I was doing. I don't understand how something so great, where everyone got along, everyone told us we were the perfect couple...all my friends were always saying "_____'s my favourite bf out of everybody's bf.." could just end like that. He ended it for that girl, and now he's not even going to pursue it. It's like he ended it for nothing.

 

I'm a big liar I can't get into a relationship with someone right now. I want to puke just thinking about it. I wish I had stuck with NC. I wish we didn't go to the same uni. I am so glad summer is coming, then I will have a guarantee of not seeing him for four months (april-sept).

 

Okay done that...(ah I'm so demented over this I'll probably start a new thread regarding breaking NC)...

 

So anyway, just so you know, I don't think all men are pigs either. I don't understand why other people try to tell us that. It's stupid. Only men who are as*holes say that, so that they can try to excuse their behaviour. And females who say that...well they're even more bitter than us if that's even be possible? lol.

[lgirl]

hey mystik,

 

i am SO sorry to hear how you're feeling, tho' i'd say the breaking of NC was forced on you by the circumstances rather than you set out to break it. i think you were very brave - especially as you didn't give him a good slap like i woud've done to my ex (well, 'punch' would be more accurate!! lol). i think you were very brave and i know how you must be feeling. there's not much i can say to comfort you other than if that's how he treated you, you are better off without him even if it doesn't feel that way right now. i just recently found out that not only is my ex still hanging out at the 'mistake''s place (b/c he has nowhere else to go and is trying to avoid his mother - a man-child amost 34), she is now paying for things for him and probably has been since he killed our r/shp!! can't believe he'd use her like that, but that's what he's doing. he isn't the guy i thought i knew and yr ex isn't who you thought he was, otherwise he would have treated you better.

 

i wish there was a pill we could take to make it all go away!! i would sell my soul just to undo what he did to me, to go back in time and prevent it form ever having happened, from ever having met him...

 

hang in there mystik. it really is his loss, not yours.

 

((hugs))

[becallamjr]

lgirl and mystik, first off HI!

 

You could try to look at the brighter side, though it seems that there isn't one. Your single again, go out and enjoy it! That is the best advice I can give, given the circumstances. It truly amazes me how someone who at one point in your life made you feel so fantastic can now bring you to your knees. Noone deserves this, your better off without him. Hope things get better for you both.

[mystik]

okay I'm feeling better again...It's definitely a rollercoaster ride isn't it? Yeah our ex's definitely weren't who we thought they were...but you know what, that ISN'T our fault!! They TRICKED us! LOL. It wasn't like they were always like this, so it was something on their end that changed...or perhaps, their real personalities shown through. I'm going to have to see him again next Wednesday - How I wish the campus bar wasn't the only place my friends decide to celebrate their birthdays... but it will be okay. Going in this time, i'll know what to expect, and I couldn't possibly feel as bad as I did last time. It HAS to get better...right? I mean, where we both are, the only place we can go is up!

 

Hello to you too becallamjr!! Yes, I'm trying to look at the positive side of things...I usually do end up doing so (or at least pretending so much that I do)...I just have some relapses sometimes. People told me that it was a rollercoaster ride to recovery, but I didn't really understand..now I do lol. It's like High,low, high, high high, a little low, high high, phhhhush...really low, then slowly but surely back up... Ah I can't wait till it just stays up there you know? I know, it really is amazing how ONE person could have such extreme emotional effects on you. I'm sure it will get better, for the both of us (yes, even you Igirl, though you don't believe it ), thank you!!