telling him I love him..... am I a fool?

[shau_nee]

hello everyone, I want to tell my bf exactly how I feel about him. But I'm afraid to. I had people tell me that it will ruin things and make it to easy for him and that he may take advantage of me by knowing my true feelings. Do you guys agree? because I really want to know where things stand with us, but I don't want to be a fool in the process. Is it bad for a girl to say "I love you" to a guy, Before a guy says it to her???

[xblondyx]

Hmmm tough one. It really depends. How long have you been together?

My ex said it to me first. I've never said it first.

You should really wait until the right time, until you really sure. Don't just blurt it out unexpectedly. It will shock him and leave you feeling stupid.

Remember, love is a big step. I know i shouldn't have really said it back, but i did.

 

You have to think, if he doesn't say it back, how will you feel? You need to weigh up the pros and cons.

 

Good luck with whatever you do!

[annie24]

Do you think he loves you back?

[shau_nee]

I have said it to him once before and he didn't say anything back.

 

I felt very, very very hurt... he thinks he doesn't need to say it.

but I really need to hear it.

[xblondyx]

I have said it to him once before and he didn't say anything back.

 

I felt very, very very hurt... he thinks he doesn't need to say it.

but I really need to hear it.

 

It's a risk to say it again then. If he didn't say it back the first time, will he say it back the second? You don't want to risk getting hurt again.

[shau_nee]

yes I know this

but it is also painful not knowing how he really feels, part of me feels that it would be a relief to know either way.

I feel that I have done to much for him making myself to easy and available.

[xblondyx]

I know how you feel right now, when you say you want to know how he feels. Maybe you should just wait until he says it, or, if your feeling strong, go for it. Just be wary because you might end up hurt again and wishing you had of kept quiet.

[shau_nee]

we have known each other for four years. he has said it to me twice in the beginning of our relationship and has not said it for the past three years. He says it is hard for him to say. but it makes me feel like I'm not that imprtant to him. I just need to know that he still feels the same as he did before. Four years is a pretty long time to be with someone if the feelings are not mutual.

[xblondyx]

Gosh 4 years. Maybe you should just talk things through with him. Tell him you don't want to fight about it but you just need to know.

[annie24]

I think you should tell him that, just like you told us. Yes, I'd be concerned too if after 4 years, I wasn't sure if the feelings were mutual.

 

If you were dating for 3 months, and you were asking us about saying the "L" word, yes, I'd tell you not to... but after 4 years, this really shouldn't be an issue.

[xblondyx]

Yeah annie24, your right. My boyfriend said it before 3 months and i said it back (don't really know if i meant it) and now we've broken up. Bummer.

[annie24]

Well, some people do fall in love after a very short time together. At 17, chances are that he does not know enough about life to be truly in love. Just a possibility.

 

But, after a 4 year relationship.....

[PassionatePices]

shau nee

 

Good question!

 

In my humble opinion life is cheap ,short and unforgiving at times.I'm from New York and lost a few good friends on September 11th 2001.I said my goodbyes to them at church services.

 

I speak my mind and always let those I love & close to me how i feel.

 

Be good to yourself and take care.

 

PassionatePices

[Scotcha]

Part of loving someone is loving them them the way they need to be in order to feel loved. I'd talk to him about it. Why is it so hard for him to say? Does he let you know he loves you in other ways? Have you told him you need to hear it?

[ocrob]

I always had a problem with the L word in the past. I just did not want to say it until I was 100% sure. He just may not be sure or he just feels uncomfortable saying it. Maybe you can tell him that you understand it makes him uncomfortable, but it would make you feel really good for him to say it, if he does love you.

[DN]

When he said it to you early in the relationship - did you say it back then?

[shau_nee]

yes

I said it back and then he said please don't disapoint me.

[DN]

Time for a talk. Don't accuse him, or be angry or hurt. Just ask him how he feels about you and if you have anything to be concerned about.

 

And if and when he says he does love you make sure he realises how much you appreciate him saying it. Remember that when people who have a hard time expressing themselves do make the effort it can mean much more from them simply because it is not easy - and it usually means they really do mean it.

[babypink61]

I think you should def tell him how you feel! I was in your shoes once! I knew for sure that I loved my boyfriend but was afraid to tell him how I feel because I didn't know he would say it back or not. Then finally one night while we were out at the bars my boyfriend (who was pretty buzzed at the time) told me that he loved me. I was shocked but at the same time bothered that he said it to me when he's drunk. He apologized later and said that he really loved me but wasn't sure what my feelings were so the only time he felt had the courage to do it was under the influence of alcohol. I know, not a great way of dealing with things, but at least I knew for sure. So maybe he loves too but was too scared to say it not knowing if you would feel the same way too?

[Pixiemeat]

4 years and no 'I love you'? There are issues.

[eleanorrigby1]

Sounds old fashioned but I would wait for him to say it first.

 

I know what people mean when they say "Make it too easy for him" but that totally depends on the kind of person he is. My ex boyfriend was a total arsehole, once he knew that I loved him and I said it first and I said it often because I had an urge to scream it from every mountain top, he was so secure in my love he no longer had to try, he knew that he could do anything and treat me anyway and I would love him anyway, and that gave him total control and he lost respect for me.

 

Now I am not saying that you cannot say you love him, but I would wait for an opportune moment, and also if you can, hold off until he says it, because he will. My current boyfriend told me he loved me and I waited at least two weeks before saying I loved him back because I wanted to be sure that I did love him and because I was also afraid after having been so hurt last time.

 

Judge the moment and judge the person, if it feels right, it feels right.

 

If he hasn't said it already to you after a certain amount of time, I would question what it is he is getting out of your relationship, or maybe does he have difficulty expressing his emotions has he been hurt in the past?

 

Good luck

[DN]

In my opinion there is no reason in the modern world why a woman should not say it first.

 

All the adverse comments and criticisms about shau nee's b/f not saying it after four years also apply to her.

[eleanorrigby1]

In my opinion there is no reason in the modern world why a woman should not say it first.

 

All the adverse comments and criticisms about shau nee's b/f not saying it after four years also apply to her.

 

Yeah it is a modern world but unfortunately double standards still apply and men still get scared when women take the reigns.

 

One of my boyfriend's friends commented on how I drank pints "oh he wouldnt have put up with that before!" I said "ah yes but thats before he met me and realised there were more important things in life than whether a girl drank pints!"

 

A woman cannot still go out and sleep with every man she wants to and not be called a slag, when a man can go out and sleep with whoever he wants and be slapped on the back for it.

 

And after all this, it doesnt apply to her because if you re-read the original posts she said that she had told him she loved him and he didnt reply.

[Confessoress]

Why Men Lie and Women Can't Read Maps: How We're Different and What to Do About It - Allan and Barbara Pease

[DN]

Yeah it is a modern world but unfortunately double standards still apply and men still get scared when women take the reigns

 

Another generalisation that doesn't hold water - too many women have proved the opposite. It's not a question of taking the reins - we are not driving a horse and carriage here. It's simply a question of not being passive and of accepting that being equal also means taking a risk in these matters.