Wife's Internet Habits

[vixens husband]

My wife has been doing the something and the problem has gradually worsened. She has got to the stage now of chatting with nearly a dozen guys at a time to whom she sends pictures and I suspect even videos of herself.

 

I recently found out by accident about this as she left email open on my computer and I found that not only did she have an affair a year ago that she was continuing via the net but she has been arranging meetings and getting phone calls and texts from a variety of men.

 

I confronted her with all this, even told he she must leave that I couldn't stand it any more and to my surprise she has admitted that she thinks she has a real problem. She says she has a problem controlling the extent to which the chatting goes and she gets curioser and curioser to meet and see more of the other person. To cut this story short we have been apart for a couple of days and she is promising now to cut off all ties with these people and remove them herslef from her computer but she also asked me not to spy on her because she feels that this would make her life too miserbale (living under suspicion as it were).

 

I am going to try, I believe her, I love her, I really think she loves me and I want to give her this chance. Has anyone else had such an experience? Can we get through it? Am I being naive?

[OceanEyes]

VH - I removed this post from another topic because I felt that it deserved it's own thread for replies.

[OceanEyes]

Hmmmmm. I am probably not the best person to reply to this, as I see things like "sex addictions" and the like to be excuses for extremely bad behaviour. It's like saying, "I have no control over how I behave, so please feel sorry for me and give me the benefit of the doubt".

 

This doesn't mean that your wife can't change, but it's probably going to be VERY difficult for you to be able to trust her (like she's asking you to) and just move on. This situation must have been extremely hurtful and frustrating for you to find out about. Are you prepared to forgive and forget, especially now that you can't trust her to keep her business on the computer non-sexual?

 

It's up to you whether or not you want to let this go. YOU are the one who has to live in your marriage and with the choices that you make. Also, nobody really knows you or your wife or the "big picture".

 

All I know, is that if I was in your shoes, I'd probably find it almost impossible to trust again. Something like this ... I just wouldn't trust that it would completely stop. Being able to trust your partner when you're not around is the most important thing ... without it there is nothing.

[coollady1957]

I had almost the exact same situation but reversed. IT was my boyfriend that did essentially the same thing you are saying your wife, did. He also promised this and that. It never happened. THe trust is very hard to regain. It will have to be your choice. But situations like this, people will say what you want to hear, but I have serious doubts that it will improve. IF you would read my post that I have included below you will see the same scenario almost. IT might give you some insight and also to see some of the replies that I had gotten. I supose it possible for some one to change , but I highly doubt it based on my experience and others that I have known about. I hope you get things figured out. BE very wary of her word, is the best I can say . Seriously if you have time, at least read my initial post. Just click below on the post link.

 

[robowarrior]

If i where you id grab that computer and throw it out of a window. Honestly smash that piece of junk to bits if it can prevent your wife from leaving you. It might only be a small thing now that will only lead to bigger trouble. Grab yourself a hammer and put that piece of junk out of its misery. Cut off the internet, at least you can say to yourself that you did your part of the relationship as a husband if you did protect your marriage from on-line garbage like that.

[ultraviolet]

My heart goes out to you. If it were my spouse, I'd make a point of asking her what things she intends to do to break her addiction, have her set deadlines, and look for progress. Ask her why she wants to stop. If she doesn't have answers to your questions and it seems like nothing's changing, then it's very likely that nothing will without family and professional intervention.

 

Here are some resources to help you figure out your next step:

 

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link removed: Extensive list of online sites for surviving infidelity

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[suprema99]

She took it too far already if she had an actual affair from this. I would worry about whether the marriage is even worth it now at this point. Obviously it's got to stop if anything. Is it your fault, her fault? You seemed to of known about it for awhile. In my opinion, Telling you, I don't want to live under suspision means she's still wants to do it, and that's sad. You told her about it, and I would leave it alone for now. Keep an eye, If it happens again or gets even worse, then it's grounds for divorce if not already. goodluck.

[vixens husband]

Thanks for all of your feedback and thoughts. I will clarify a couple of things, I did know she was chatting to people, male and female for some time and that she lightly flirts. I spoke to her about this and said that she needed to be careful but that I trusted her and she must make up her own mind what the limits should be (within reason). She is young, I did not want be controlling, I think in a relationship jealousy is very damaging so of course a degree fo trust is always necessary. Besides when we spoke of this she looked may straight in the eye several times and told "you know I would NEVER leave you, I love you so much". It was te extent of her behaviour that hit me like a truck when I found out, she was sharing genital photos with guys of their ex-grilfriends and themselves, this is unhealthy stuff. The affair is another matter, I knew that she had seen this guy with a group of her girlfriends as one of the crowd a few times, it was on Wednesday this week that I found out that they had been intimate together many times over an extended period (a year?).

 

I think this is the worst pain of all, this is a woman who wakes herself when I go to work every morning (I leave early) to make a point of telling me she loves me and so on before going back to sleep. She has always been in my bed when I wake up in the morning, she must have "slept" with this guy and then come back and lay with me, same night. I don't care if it was last year and hasn't happened for six months the pain is horrendous. It seems the only reason it stopped is that we moved to the UK!

 

I hope that the comments in one of your posts is true. I hope that if I can get an agreed list of behaviours she will change and an agreement with her as to what I can do to meet her needs then we can work this out. I hope so, I will try. The pain is still so new and raw.

[Brooding_Goddess]

I had once upon a time, done something similiar. And to be brutally honest, I did not repent despite the efforts put in to see my ex husband as the better man. Shortly, I met a man online, had amazing sex and there was no looking back. In reality, I actually think I found what was essentially missing in my marriage and moved on. I may currently be stuck in an imperfect relationship with a man who cant think beyond one head, but relationships at the end of the day are so complex and as numerous.

 

Re. making an agreement. My ex husband and I tried that but it didnt work becos we wanted different things and our differences became fundamentally irreconciliable. Nobody has the exact answer to your question. No two relationships are the same. You guys have to work out something both parties can agree and work on. I cant be a saint and suggest you part your ways becos only the two of you know what you really want and if there is an ability to move on.

[vixens husband]

This is what I am going to say to my wife: the hardest thing for me is not the fact that you shared your body so readily with another man. Or even that you slept with him and did it so many times. It is not that you didn’t break it off until I found out, or that you have even recently been sharing photos of yourself with other men. It is not even the fact that he must have satisfied you in ways that I couldn’t for you to keep seeing him like you did.

 

Together we have experiences and shared learnings that not other man can ever have with you. Even if it is because they were “firsts” that make them unique. Your first visit to Australia, England, Belgium, your first marriage, your first house, your first car, your first LV handbag!

 

What really hurts is that you shared your body with another man as an act of love. You told him that you love him, you told him again and again and again. Did you tell him while he “made love” to you? Did you tell him while you orgasmed? This is the pain. Even the phone messages I saw, the “I miss you”s that should only have ever been said to me, these are words that are for closeness, not for casualness. This is the pain that is killing me, that is cutting me so deeply.

 

Love is not some words that tumble out of your mouth every few hours as if you were making sure you switched the iron off. Love is a way of life, it is respecting, caring and sharing experiences with someone with a depth of feeling that says you’d rather be sharing with them than anyone else. Love is knowing that you can be better and hating the fact that you didn’t do better in the first place. Love is founded when you develop a bond and a common sense of purpose. The bond is strengthened so that it become a foundation for a future, it is built upon with shared experience and commitment, with trials and celebrations, with good times and bad times. At some time this thing that you have built becomes love, it becomes deep respect based on understanding of another’s weaknesses and strengths and acceptance of these. At that time you say the words “you know, I love you”.

 

The words, when uttered in context, with the limited few recipients who earn and deserve them, are the most precious in the world that you can give and receive.

 

You stole from me somehow.

[Miss M]

Ah, I'm very deeply moved to read these very beautiful words...

 

And what you described is the reason that, when someone finds out the other has been unfaithful, often the first question asked is "but do you 'love' him/her?" For some that seems irrational, but often it seems the physical act of cheating has less bearing on the betrayal that the deeply felt emotions of love.

[LotusFlower]

robwarrior and suprema I feel made good points. Smash the computer with a hammer and also start thinking seriously about whether the relationship is worth it.

 

Is their any other pressuring circumstances that makes it 'easy' or 'convenient' for either of you to stay in the relationship even if the love was not all there? (Money, children, comfort, etc.)

 

What is she seeking online? That maybe you aren't given her? Excitement? The internet is much more interactive then TV. Does she have female friends around her...hobbies, things to do?

 

How many of your fights are about re-accuring things that if you step back and look at -- shouldn't be that hard? How much effort and respect is really there?

 

What aren't or haven't you gotten out of this relationship.

 

Is she happy w/ herself? Would a change in both of your diets and an exercise comitment maybe change both of your energy levels?

 

When was the last time you took her on a 'date' on a non holiday?

 

These are just things that I had to think about when I left my ex...I used the excape of the internet to do so. I met someone who is leaving his ex. I see him for the 3rd time here in a month. We aren't married though.

 

Good luck.

[Miss M]

As to smashing a computer?... well, I don't think that will change anything at all, because the urge to cheat doesn't come from the computer... it comes from within the person who cheats, from the inside.

 

And if a person is really stuck in that "cheating" mode, it really does no good to start trying to fix the relationship in other ways either. Unless you neglected or abused your partner, or specifically drove your partner to cheat, you shouldn't be the one taking on the heavy burden of trying to mend this. The burden to mend it should be on the one who cheated, not the one who was betrayed.

[vixens husband]

I can now finish the story. Sooner than expected. I found out about all this on Friday morning befor she woke up. I went to work, angry and upset and then mailed her and asked her to leave the house because I didn't want to see her again. She rang me an hour later, in tears, said she understood and that she would go but had nowhere to go and would I mind if she stayed for a few weeks while she got that sorted out. I felt so sorry for her, I offered her money, I asked her some questions, she said she was so sorry that she would end the relationship and so on.

 

Now I have to admit I had also done something that day that I am very ashamed of. I wrote to her lover and told him the story and how I felt. I told him that she had always told me she loved me and that she had slept with me all through the time she was sleeping with him. He did not reply.

 

As a result and because I still loved her I said I would like to talk about it and if she would promise me to end all male relationships and work honestly with me I would think about working it out.

 

The story gets complex from here, she was planning to go to Ireland from Friday evening to Wednesday to stay with, she said, a friend of the family from China. I couldn't go due to work commitments and I asked her was she going to see this guy in Ireland (he is Irish but had the last I knew been living in NZ). She said absolutely not. On Saturday I sent her my letter, the one you have all seen, she rang me saying it made her cry she was so sorry, she would never cheat again, she would work with me to make things better. i asked if I was in some way at fault she said that I took her for granted too much, couldl try harder, didn't talk to her enough and so on. I reflected on this and I think she is right, I could be better and I wanted so much to give our marriage a chance, love does not just die because one person makes a mistake. We discussed things, she said things were over with the Irish guy, she hadn't and wouldn't ever see him again. I asked her where he was, she said "he is still in Asia". I also asked him who she had rung for nearly an hour on Firday in ireland, she said her friend but she didn't think it was that long.

 

We have been chatting, via text and phone positively since then, until while driving today I realised that the phone calls to Ireland were very long on Friday when she was so upset. There were two numbers so I rang one and an Irish male voice answered, I said "may I speak to .... (boyfriend's name)" he replied "yes, this is him". I hung up.

 

I then rang the second number, an Irish woman answered, I asked if ... (bf) was home, she said no he was out, I then asked if -my wife- was there, she said, oh, no she's not. At this stage you can guess how I feel, this morning I was feeling positive but scared. I am now devastated. I can't give her any more chances and I will try not to even speak to her if it can be helped. I am packing her things now. Feels better to write it donw, but not much.

[RandomAdvisor]

Damn man. This must be terrible for you.

 

Don't beat yourself up about it though! You shouldn't even have asked her if it was anything you did (although I did the same thing when my GF cheated on me, so I understand how you felt). No matter what your shortcomings are or were, in the end cheating is a CHOICE that SHE CHOSE TO MAKE. It was her decision. The fault ultimately lies with her. Not you.

 

It's over. Glad to hear you are packing her things. You might want to consider calling a locksmith as well.

[coollady1957]

I know exactly how you feel. The only difference my problem was with a boyfriend and not a spouse. HOwever, the same kind of hurt is there ,or WAS there for me. I surely and completely believe that you are doing the right thing. THese people that lie and cheat, and promise to change and never do again, WILL NEVER CHANGE in my opinion. They only tell you what they know you want to hear. You are smart to part ways with this woman. My boyfriend always told me he loved me and how great of a woman I was , but all the while he was sleeping with other women. These people will say and do anything to keep up the charade, so that they can continue their dirty deeds. YOu are definitely going to hurt and go through periods of loneliness. But keep in mind what she has done to you, and realize that it will get better and you will be fine in the long run. Continue packing her things. Have as little contact as necessary with her. And yes I would suggest having your locks re-keyed on your house. And get a lawyer. Since you are married no doubt there are going to be legal issues involved. I hope the best for you and I am so so sorry you are going through all of this. I can relate so very much with you, as your situation was like reading my own almost in many aspects.

[Dutchy]

Oh my God this must be so hard for you. If you ever give her another chance, keep in your mind that your wounds will heal very slowly. But it is possible, because it is recognizable to me, My boyfriends has had many cyber girlfriends and I've become very jealous. You should keep that in mind

 

By the way, are you sure that your wife was with this irisch guy? It's probably the best solution (leaving her) This is going to be painful and I wish you good luck with enduring the pain. There will be one day when you wake up and think 'hey, I haven't thought of her a cuple of days'

Eventually it will wear out.

[suprema99]

Hey vixens husband, sometimes you got to suck it up in situations and keep your cool. Your going nuts now cause this has been going on now for awhile. I think your best bet would of been to not do what you said you were ashamed of. You're right on that. I was thinking she was pissed at at you when I first read your post. This marriage is bad cause she admits she's guilty, but seems to just want a place to stay now for awhile until she gets on her feet without you. Is she being really honest with you? I think she's lost and your feeding the fire here. I would try to stay as calm as possible.

[Rabican]

If i where you id grab that computer and throw it out of a window. Honestly smash that piece of junk to bits if it can prevent your wife from leaving you. It might only be a small thing now that will only lead to bigger trouble. Grab yourself a hammer and put that piece of junk out of its misery. Cut off the internet, at least you can say to yourself that you did your part of the relationship as a husband if you did protect your marriage from on-line garbage like that.

 

Dont blame the computer man... I really doubt that this was some stephen king sci fi crap here... the computer didnt take over her brain and make her send naughty pictures of herself to some guys.

 

That being said, I would tell her that she broke the trust, and your heart, and IF (BIG RISKY IF) you decide to give her a second chance, then she is just going to have to deal with the occasional "checkup" by you. Consider it level 1 or 2 security. You dont have to videotape her entire life... but I would tell her I would once in a while check and see if there was anything amiss. (emails, pictures etc.) if she cant deal with that... move on.

[Miss M]

I would tell her that she broke the trust, and your heart, and IF (BIG RISKY IF) you decide to give her a second chance, then she is just going to have to deal with the occasional "checkup" by you. Consider it level 1 or 2 security. You dont have to videotape her entire life... but I would tell her I would once in a while check and see if there was anything amiss. (emails, pictures etc.) if she cant deal with that... move on.

You bring up a good point, and it reminds me of what Dr. Phil has said when he counsels couples when one of them has cheated. Often the cheater will complain about being closely "monitored" ... or will complain about not liking the feeling of not being trusted. And Dr. Phil then reminds the cheater that she broke a trust, and that part of the result of cheating is to be checked up on and monitored until that trust is restored. And Dr. P says the cheater should expect to be distrusted, and should expect to be accountable for ALL activities, and should WILLINGLY be an open book in order to regain the confidence of the other partner. One of Dr. P's favorite phrases to cheaters is, "When you've got nothing to hide, then you hide nothing." And if she really sincerely wants to repair the relationship, then she should quit her whining, suck it up, and get on with the task of repairing it. That means she really has no right to complain to her husband for being suspicious of her because she's the one who created his distrust in the first place. She made the mess and she should expect to take on the largest share for cleaning it up. Her job now is to restore his faith in her, not whine about the fact that his suspiciousness make her feel miserable. And really, VH shouldn't even have to monitor her at all, because she should be so completely open and honest about about her activities that he doesn't even feel a need to "spy" on her. That's how a very solid trust is restored.

[suprema99]

So what do you do really, when you feel you may be getting cheated on or not? This is a tough question, cause you can never really know. Do you get upset right away and distrust, and look maybe foolish if your wrong? Or, is it really happening? I think you got to trust unless you get solid facts.

[coollady1957]

Just wanted to see how things are going. Wondered if you and the wife came to a conclusion on getting things worked out, or if you decided to part. It seemed there was to be lots of work and counseling if you were to work it out. I just didnt see a way for it to work, but I hope you are doing well .