Easier for ex in a relationship or not???

[texasman123]

I was wondering. Since my psudo-ex never left for a new relationship but just said she needed to "figure things out" and was not "sure of her feelings for me", do people think that is easier to handle than the ex being with someone else. A part f me thinks it would have been hard to know she was in another relationship, but a part of me thinks it was very hard knowing at the time that she would rather be alone than with me...thoughts?

[RayKay]

I was wondering. Since my psudo-ex never left for a new relationship but just said she needed to "figure things out" and was not "sure of her feelings for me", do people think that is easier to handle than the ex being with someone else. A part f me thinks it would have been hard to know she was in another relationship, but a part of me thinks it was very hard knowing at the time that she would rather be alone than with me...thoughts?

 

I am not sure any is easier to handle...I know it hurt me when my last ex wanted to be "alone" rather then with me!

 

Of course a lot later I found out being "alone" did not mean "not sleeping with many many other women".

 

I think both are pretty difficult, it really is all relative...one person's pain is not less if their partner isn't with someone new just because they aren't...I am not so sure you can measure pain according to how the scenarios after the break up play out. Everyone is different, everyone experiences their pain fully on themselves, and I don't think I can say one person's is "less" because their experience is "different".

[BetterKarma]

Interesting question...

 

I agree with RayKay, both are hard.

 

My most recent ex told me that he just wanted to be "alone." At first, I was hurt and upset along with every other feeling.

 

Then I found out that when he said "alone" he really meant alone with his ex (who's a 40 year old married woman.)

 

I think given the option, I would much rather have the excuse of "I just want to be alone."

[RayKay]

Interesting question...

 

I agree with RayKay, both are hard.

 

My most recent ex told me that he just wanted to be "alone." At first, I was hurt and upset along with every other feeling.

 

Then I found out that when he said "alone" he really meant alone with his ex (who's a 40 year old married woman.)

 

I think given the option, I would much rather have the excuse of "I just want to be alone."

 

Funny how some people have a very different definition of "alone" or "single" don't they?

 

I just really wanted to say I love your avatar Karma!

 

My cat hates her princess costume...lol...she looks miserable when she has the hat put on her head.

[deejay74]

i think for me it is easier to know that the ex is not involved with anyone, that includes not sleeping with anyone.

 

but both my ex's said they don't want to be involved with anyone when they broke up with me, the first one i know for sure she immediately got involved with someone else, this last one, i am not so sure, but i have my suspicions. at this point, i really don't care b/c if she has slept with 1 or more guys, that just reinforces the type of person she is. i won't go into details, but she's slept with many, many, many guys. before she broke up with me she said she no longer needs to fill her void with sex, well i guess she still does.

 

i don't want to be with anyone right now, sexually or not. i need to fix my head first before i get involved.

[mystik]

When my ex broke up with me, I asked him why and he said "I've fallen for _____ (his best girl friend)"

 

I am still angry that he told me that. I wish he had said anything else "I dont think I love you anymore, we're not right together, I want to be alone, etc." Because he didn't, in addition to being distraught over the breakup, I had to deal with not being able to stop picturing the two of them together. It made me much more bitter knowing it was because of someone else. I had two people to think about instead of just one. And, not only do I have to do no contact with him, but her and her friends too.

 

When he said it was because of someone else that said to me "You weren't good enough, but don't worry, I found someone who was."

 

For me also, I'd rather have heard "I need my alone time" even if it would have been an excuse or a lie.

[jflatt]

Just thought I would share a similar story....

 

One of my ex's said she needed time alone to figure out who she is, what she wants, to be single for a while with a relationship and then we would get back together. Apparently, that meant that she was going to jump into a new relationship with a guy that was just her friend, who she would told me several times she never date.

[mystik]

Just thought I would share a similar story....

 

One of my ex's said she needed time alone to figure out who she is, what she wants, to be single for a while with a relationship and then we would get back together. Apparently, that meant that she was going to jump into a new relationship with a guy that was just her friend, who she would told me several times she never date.

 

That's messed up... how does that even work? So she wanted to be "single with a relationship"? With the new guy she would figure out what she wants and who she is...THEN when she does, you would get back together?! Was that what she meant?

 

How in the world can you be single with a relationship. I don't understand. haha. what the heck.

[BetterKarma]

Thanks RayKay! She is a cutie.

 

I think all of us in these situations where our exes tell us one thing and then does another, feel betrayed. Had our exes given us the respect and diginity of telling us the truth, I don't think half of us would be nearly as upset.

 

Yes, we would feel hurt initially, but it's much better to be told the truth than to find out later on that not only did they break your heart, they lied to you and for some time during the relationship they had been mentally and emotionally elsewhere. A double whammy.

[thorak]

wow... funny... Im new here, but have found this site very very informative in the past week of being here.

 

My ex said the same thing... didnt want to get involved with anyone or start a new relationship for a long time - that she needed independance and time to reflect... found out that 2 weeks after we splitup she was sleeping with somone else, they were together for almost 3 months before it ended (learned this through friends).... guess it depends on how they define 'time alone', 'reflection', 'independance', and 'relatioships'...

 

I truly believe people who do and say these things are weak individuals - they either dont have the will to tell you the truth, or they dont have the will to stick to THEIR truth.

[whatif]

Let me assure you, it is much easier to deal with your situation. It is much more painful and frustrating when your ex leave for someone else. I wish I was in your situation.

 

Now, remember one thing, most of the exs who says they want 'time', 'space', 'break', 'room' etc etc most likely have someone in mind that they want to move onto, but just don't want to tell you about it. That's exactly how my ex did, but I found out about it and confronted her. I wasn't about to let her go so easily like that. S L U T

[mystik]

Now, remember one thing, most of the exs who says they want 'time', 'space', 'break', 'room' etc etc most likely have someone in mind that they want to move onto, but just don't want to tell you about it.

 

Bingo!! I think often that is the case too.

 

But...whether they tell you the truth or not - knowing they find someone else right away (or had found someone else even before the break up) - whether you find out right away or after...it STILL SUCKS!! Knowing you got dumped for someone else sucks.

 

I'd rather them dump me because they really don't feel it anymore, we're having fights, etc, they really have other problems in their lives they have to deal with... than knowing it was all the above, PLUS for someone else. That's just me :S

[octopus]

My ex also preferred to be alone than be with me. I know he still loves his ex, but he didn't go to her- he can't because she dumped him and she has to want him back.

 

I found that hard, that he was happier without me, on his own, but I also think (as hard as it was to acknowledge this): There is dignity in being true to yourself even if you disappoint other people. If he was unhappy with me, if he saw it going nowhere, he did what he had to do. He should have never started the relationship, but that's another story.

[vesper]

If I found out my ex was with someone else...it would be easier because naturally I would compare myself to the new fling....that in itself could have some healing power...that sounds strange...hmmm...I guess it would just be a sense of relief to some degree ...my first ex left me for another girl ..its kind of easier I think on the dumpee because you can't really do anything...if they are alone however you can constantly have a hope of getting back with them...strange but true...I think it would be harder and hurt more if the ex stayed single...

[red10]

it's just different, hurts like hell either way, but i guess perhaps more so when they go with someone else - my opinion.

 

they say they want to be alone - you wonder what is wrong with you?

 

they go to someone else - same as the above, but you wonder what that other person has that you don't...

 

either way, it's rejection. no one likes being rejected. plain and simple.

[deejay74]

i'd like to add more to my post earlier.

 

if my ex was leaving me for someone else and i was told she was, i would be hurt.

 

however, if i was told she just didn't want to be in a relationship right now with anyone, and then she immediately went out with someone, that would hurt worse. this has happened to me before.

 

i understand why the dumper would say that but the dumpees usually find out anyway. so why lie, it just makes the dumper look like a liar.

 

my .02.