What difference can a month make?

[Victory]

Here is my sob story, lol:

My ex and I broke up the first week of February. I love him so much, and don't want to lose him. Since we live together I did everything I could to win him back, and it almost worked. But he is in major debt, has no job, and basically doesn't know who he is or what he wants. Then I find out there is also another girl involved, a girl who has been friends with him since they were little. She has always liked him, but even during all these years he has never returned her feelings until now. He kissed her three days after we broke up, then said it was a mistake. Now he says he likes her as more than a friend but doesn't know what he wants to do, and that he still wants to be with me too. We have dated for a year and a half, and lived together since last summer. Yesterday was the last day of our lease. I don't understand because all of his friends said he loved me so much, he thought about having a family with me all the time and I was all he ever talked about. He never saw this other girl in a different light until things started to go rocky with us.

We went out to talk the night before the lease was up and again yesterday morning. He doesn't know what he wants, but he's pretty sure he can't be with anyone right now until he gets his life in order. He told me he hasn't decided what to do about the other girl yet, but "why are you worrying about her so much, you have lots of things on her". We have agreed to do a month of no contact, then I will call him at the start of March. I told him it was a dangerous situation to hang out with her during this time. He said, "I don't know..." but as soon as we started talking about ME (I've been trying to move on and date a little too) he immediately backtracked to, "Hey be careful! I'll stay away from my dangerous situation if you do too!" I don't know how serious he was. We both kind of agreed that if we did get back together, it would be better the second time around, because now all of this is out in the open. After I lay on the bed while he was packing and he was looking at me strangely. Finally he asked if he could lay next to me and I said yes. I asked him why we couldn't just take things day by day and live in the moment, with no expactations, at the end of the month. He said he would think about it. He mentioned he already has had moments when he wishes I was there, but he also said he feels weird about me right now and that is why he needs a month. We gave each other a long hug at the door and now I won't see him or talk to him for a month.

I think this month is actually a good thing, although it will be hard. I need time away from him too!! It pains me to think of what he might do with her during this month, but it is his choice. They do live about 3-4 hours apart, although her spring break is during March... If they do something, and it doesn't pan out, that's a lifetime friendship down the drain, and he knows it. Meanwhile, I am going to go do my own thing, I've already started to casually date someone, and wait. Dating someone else has already made me understand that perhaps it is an easy distraction, but not what he truly wants on the inside. At the end of the month when we meet up I plan to look as gorgeous as I can (he makes it no secret he still finds me drop dead sexy), and then just enjoy his company with no expectations. In a way it will be like meeting him all over again, as we both know we have major improvements to make during this time. I don't want to start going out with him right away, I really just want to try and take the slow path to that destination again. Deep down I think he does love me and wants to be with me, but that is not the easy road right now and I hope during this month he will come to realize that life with me is better than life without me. He has never said there is no chance we will be together ever again. Meeting after a month was also his idea. I guess I would like some advice or opinions on the situation please. Thank you.

[Big Jim]

You seem ridicously mature about all of this, that is great. Maybe space for a bit is what you guys need. You will realize your faults and him his. I really hope this works out for you , you sound very rational which is something i would kill for in my ex

[NJRon]

I actually think you're in a bit of denial right now. What he is doing to you is wrong. He's taking a month break from your relationship and, instead of spending it working on himself and thinking of your relationship, he is wasting it philandering with this chick from his past.

 

His self-esteem is at an all time low and he is trying to fill it by using her... all at your expense!

 

Don't let him just walk all over you and come back when he pleases! Stop doing all the work. Make him earn his way back. If he doesn't, then he's not worth it... find someone else who will treat you with respect.

 

If you just let him come back easy as pie, I don't see how you will be able to ever trust in him, or the relationship, again.

[Victory]

I guess that is what part of the month is for, as well...if he spends it actually working on himself, I will fight. If he spends it with her...then quite obviously it was never meant to be. I guess only time will tell.

[NJRon]

I don't know if you understood what I was saying though... stop fighting. There is nothing worth fighting for. Make him fight. If he doesn't earn his way back then he won't feel vested in your relationship.

[Scout]

If he doesn't earn his way back then he won't feel vested in your relationship.

 

I cannot overstate how true this is. It is the ONLY way someone who ever ends a relationship won't do it again if you get back together with them.

[Beyondthesea]

Completely agree with NJRon and Scout.

 

In actuality, I would tell this guy to hit the road. I have a bad feeling he is going to be using this month to explore his options with that other girl. If he wanted to break it off and start seeing someone else he should have done it instead of making you 'hang' for a month while he decides which he likes best.

 

Good for you for being so calm and mature about the situation. Make sure YOU are also using this time to reevaluate the relationship instead of longing for him.

 

You go girl...

[Scout]

I have a bad feeling he is going to be using this month to explore his options with that other girl. If he wanted to break it off and start seeing someone else he should have done it instead of making you 'hang' for a month while he decides which he likes best.

 

As awful as this may be to face, this is 99.999999% the likelihood of what he's going to do. I realize this is a very difficult thing to accept, because it seems to reflect negatively on you...but it doesn't. It reflects terribly on him, actually. It's pretty damn selfish, actually, and incredibly galling to expect someone to patiently wait a month while he tries out a new flavor. If this is how he honestly expects to operate in relationships, he's going to find himself lonely one day, permanently.