Have you Made Progress?

[Blue In Texas]

I would be interested in hearing about people's perceptions about the healing progress they have made since that first awful week. When did you recognize that things were getting better? What made you recognize it? Have you progressed more than you might have realized?

 

In my own case I was surprised that when I stopped to think about it, I have made a lot more progress than I realized. Today marks eight weeks since the breakup (almost as long strict NC). And sometimes it feels almost as bad as it did in the beginning.

 

On the other hand, since that first week:

 

I have recognized that I wasn't 100% to blame for the b/u.

 

I have answered all the what-if questions to my own satisfaction. Nothing I did in the last few days of the relationship would have changed anything. I spent a lot of time second-guessing myself in the first couple of weeks, though.

 

Things that interested me before are starting to interest me again.

 

I don't cry every day. Or even every other day.

 

I can go a few hours now w/o thinking of her.

 

These are not huge steps. But they made me realize that I am not just spinning my wheels.

[kellbell]

"These are not huge steps."

 

Hey don't short change yourself. Small steps are just as significant as big ones but sometimes a bunch of small steps, such as the ones you have taken, can add up to something big. Smaller steps are better IMO because you have a better chance to continue on the path on moving forward rather than making huge leaps.

 

Good for you on your progress. Time does heal all. You sound like you are on the right path. Keep it up.

[Blue In Texas]

Thanks Kellbell. That's a good point about the small steps.

[Diggitydave]

The first 3 weeks after a break up or in my case the first three weeks after a messed up friendship after a break up.....EVERY DAY IS A HUGE STEP!

 

When you make it through the day, Thank God!

[ut_longhorn]

8 weeks. starting to feel solid again. definitely not 100%.

still think about her daily. miss her so much. but the excrutiating pain has subsided into a steady dull one.

[deejay74]

today is exactly 2 months since the break up.

 

i have had a lot of ups and downs, it seems like more downs than ups though. the past few days have been the best, but i am no where near where i thought i was (thanks to those who posted to my response in the other forum).

 

i think i might actually be ready to date again. i don't think i have a sad look on my face that much anymore. thinking about her with other guys doesn't bother me as much. i have almost completely accepted what has happened. i am slowly starting to regain interest in things i used to do.

 

somethings that haven't really changed:

i still miss her (i honestly think that won't change), thinking about her and what happened to us when i try to sleep and when i wake up, feeling frustrated that the relationship ended when it did and knowing i'll never really figure out what happened to my ex's feelings. can't listen sad songs about love or songs that we listened to on our trip to New Orleans last year.

[octopus]

Mine is exactly 3 months since the breakup.

 

First 2 were bad; the last month has been a combination of really good ups and not-so-bad downs. Even in the same day, I feel bad in the morning and completely forget about it at night. In the two months, I felt so bad physically that nothing helped. Only time. Now, I when thoughts/emotions surface, I face them; and try to make myself think other things, or resolve them. I have definetely built some sort of strentgh/immunity to those thoughts. I wouldn't have been able to accept the facts like this, or handle emotions like this 2 months ago.

 

I realized I am mad at him because, because of his decision to break-up, I am no longer in love, and I am no longer loved. I am mad at him because he took these out of my life. Otherwise, I'm glad he ended a relationship that wasn't working for him. I was so in love I couldn't see the signs, and if one side was unhappy, what's the point?

 

I've also realized there is never, ever going back after a break-up. It's just impossible. So I stopped thinking about that. One less thing to worry about.

 

However, now I started thinking about how I will be able to keep myself together when I see him next, which will be this weekend. Hopefully it will be the last time (probably in our lives), and I want to leave a good impression, but I am still full of anger and resentment; I don't know how that's going to work.

 

By now, I am open to new relationships, if one that I think will lead to something comes by I will definetely try, but I will always remind myself what I've learned from this.

[Paranoid Android]

Going on 6 months now. I still think about her. Although more and more lately she hasn't been the one dominant thought. I've been keeping myself very, very, very busy. I still cry. I have accepted the relationship's demise. I no longer think about what went wrong, why it didn't work out.. but it still really hurts. I miss her. I miss her like hell still. I know I'm getting better though because I'm having more and more good days than bad.

[gratefulpain]

about 3 1/2 weeks for me now.... slowly getting better. I have cleaned my house.. I dont cry anymore.... i have bad moments...i cook for myslef now.. no more fast food and RedBull... i do play scenarios in my head like who shes with etc,etc. but that only tortures me.. I had a fantasy about her coming back and we live hapilly ever after... but that made me sad.. I have dreams about her every now and again.... I think Im healing..... I followed all the advice on this board..... I view myself as injured.. so I treat myself tenderly.. I do little tasks I know I can accomplish.. I work out again religiously.. it helps me get out frustration... I am closer to my family now... I hug everyone before I leave..I dont know exactly what I am transforming in to.

 

I'm not the man I want to be.

I'm probably not the man I ought to be.

 

But for the grace of God....

 

I'm not the man I was

[Orlander]

Those are big steps Blue. Congrats!! You seem to be doing very well.

 

It's been 7 months since my ex broke up with me, but have only been doing NC for 2 weeks when she told me she neede NC. That is when I realized it was truly over...so healing has just begun.

 

I wrote quotes and placed them all over the house and have been telling myself several times a day to "Just Let it Go." whenever I begin to think about her.

 

I have begun having nightmares lately, but I also had them from my last breakup. I think its going to take months for me to be able to date again. My ex and I dated for 4 years and no one I ever met made me feel like she did...so its going to be tough.

 

But, I will advance confidentally in the direction of my dreams.

 

 

Orlander

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi all,

 

Been about 3 months for me too. I started the not caring phase about the 3 weeks ago and felt as if I was really starting to let go. Was able to sleep more (I'm a programmer with abnormal sleep habits anyway) and made through most of the days not thinking about the break up as much. I was actually starting to enjoy myself.

 

Since we work together there has been limited contact. I have kept it strictly business. Sometimes I answer the phone sometimes I don't sometimes I can't. Tuesday she leaves me a message about work then wants to know how I'm doing. That one phrase upset me and set me back. Not all the way to the beginning, but back some. I'm still a whole lot better than I was in January

 

Thanks

bcuzitwasfun

[Orlander]

Geez, bcuzitwasfun. That has got to be hard, working with the ex. I bow to your strength. Thank God I dont know anything about what my ex is doing. I see her occasionally at the bookstore we used to go to all the time, but we have an agreement not to bring dates there. If I ever saw her there with someone, I would never go back.

 

If I had the money, I would leave this city and move far far away to start over again.

[Titan4Life]

I am going on 1 month now broken up, still see her every once and a while, she calls me, but I am getting stronger, I made a good friend, who went through the same thing as I am, and she is helping me out so much, making me think, it wasnt my fault for the breakup, we grew apart, which happens, I still get sad once in a blue moon, but I am able to keep it under control, not cry, or feel anxiety, I just think about myself, being happy with my new life, and that gets me through it. It gives me the strength i need to go on, to know there is someone else out there who will love me, and continue loving me. It maybe wasnt meant to be, maybe we will get back together later down the road, but for now, this is my time, my time to heal, to explore my feelings and life and be the person I wanna be. Its my time.

 

Day by Day I will get stronger...

 

Truly,

 

Jay from Ontario Canada

[moondog627]

Going on 8 months since the breakup. Funny that was the first time in a while that I actually thought about how long it's been since then. Became a whole new man since that horrible summer. Every aspect of myself has improved so much, both physically and mentally. Found a self-confidence I never knew I had and now am pretty much dating at least 3 women at a time. A relationship is the last thing on my mind. Can't deal with that yet. Friends have, and still do, provided enormous emotional support. I am very happy. After much self blame, realized the breakup was due to my ex as well (if not completely). All my suspicions of her were true. She has become an emotional mess and is a very young, confused girl right now. Scary to think that I never saw this in her towards the end. Sure, I made my mistakes (and knowing them will make me a better boyfriend in the future) but to actually know it wasn't all my fault makes me feel better. And, unfortunately, I have hurt some people who got too attached to me. Some days I will relapse a little about the ex and get sad at the way our affairs turned out. But I know the healing process isn't linear and after a day or two I'll be back to my old self. And for all those hurting out there, it feels so good to have your old self back again. Stay strong.

[radient_dominion]

Congratulations on the progress...I hope it continues.

[okane24]

Wow, it's really refreshing to see a lot of guys on this site. My ex broke up with me two days ago. Partly because I think she said she saw me as different. Not like a 'man', like she envisioned. Because I had emotions and was sensitive and I cried when it got real bad. It made me feel worthless thinking that I couldn't be sensitive and that was what was turning her away. I thought that men couldn't be sensitive and care and love like crazy. But your posts give me hope. I'm not the only guy who loves his girl like crazy and gets all messed up when things go sour. She wanted me to "take it like a man". What the hell does that supposed to mean?

Anyhow, thanks for sharing guys. Makes me feel better that I'm not the only guy who feels and has strong emotions.

 

And I hope to progress. I'm only on day 1 of NC. I messed up this morning when I saw her on AIM and texted her, hi. She didn't respond and signed off 5 minutes later. I feel like an A**. Good luck to you tho.

[curlygirl47]

It always bewilders me when I hear stories like this, of women who ridicule men for being sensitive and say things like "take it like a man". What the hell???? I think it is so beautiful when a man cares enough to cry --- it has very rarely happened with the men in my life, but it would make me feel so much better if sometimes they did express their sadness, if they were, in fact, man enough to cry without shame, to love without limitations, to admit their vulnerability. Don't you dare ever feel a minute of embarrassment over what you've done. This girl sounds like a cold-hearted person who doesn't know how to love deeply herself, or is afraid of her own emotions and anyone else's. Some of us are looking for men just like you!!