Bugger - Had To Break Nc

[BONO]

Guys

 

Difficult one this. Broke all contact with the ex 27 days ago. Told her friends is not an option.

 

Problem - Its my brothers B'day this Sat. I live with my brother and my ex is one of his best friends. She has moved 500km away. I was told yesterday that she is def coming. Our friends agree that it is not healthy for me to see her. However do not want to get involved.

 

The ex has picked this weekend to come back to London to catch up with her friends - of all the weekends this year !!! Hmmmmm

 

So last night I put a call in telling her that we both agreed NC and coming to the party breaks that agreement. As you can imagine she went Ape. Clutching at straws she said they are my friends as well - true. But why this weekend ? She hung up.

 

I sent her a text after that saying " giving that you are coming to my brothers party and knowing that I will be there I will bow out and make different plans"

 

Problem is, in reality I will go - He's my brother.

 

Question is why is she doing this and how do I act next week ?

 

 

Scruff

[Bethany]

In reality, you CAN'T go now. She will think that you couldn't stay away from her and she will get some sort of satisfaction from this. Indeed she WILL have won because you COULDN'T away from her.

 

I'm sure your brother will understand if you don't go. Bow out like you said you would and stick to what you told her or end up back at square one with her calling the shots.

[Rayana]

I so agree Bthany. I dont know why you put yourself in this position. You shouldnt have called her to start off with! You could have both attended the party and ignored each other.

 

You really cannot go now.

[eddie500]

Question is why is she doing this and how do I act next week ?

 

When reading this it seems that your not taking the no-contact seriously, so in reality your only holding yourself back from moving on... considering thats what you want to do.

 

Now I know its not easy to do NC, but you asking what should I Do, your still trying to win her back.. and actually looking for a reason to break the NC and talk with her.

Now I´m not sure of the details here, first post I´m reading but if you want to move on you have to break all contact.. and that means any contact you are having about her life also. So you should not be hearing any information about her from her friends or your brother. When you heard she was coming to the party you should of just made alternate plans for that one day.

[BONO]

Point is I do want to get back with her !!

 

 

Scruff

[Messenger]

Tough spot. I assume that both your intentions and her intentions for going to your brother's party are for your brother's benefit. Can you both put aside your differences for this period of time to make his party enjoyable for him, by accepting each others reason for being there? I understand the personal discomfort that this may case each of you, but not personally interacting with each other and respecting that this event is not about you and her, may help to make the event enjoyable for your brother. You and her both seem to be important to him... why should he be punished?

 

Hope this is helpful, Regards, Michael

[Bethany]

. You and her both seem to be important to him... why should he be punished?

 

He will be more 'punished' to have his brother and his ex throwing invisible daggers accross the room and possibly having an argument after alcohol is consumed and also there will be an air of tension at the party which will ruin it for everyone else.

[BONO]

Good point.

 

However, it turns out she booked this trip the day after I told her that we could not be friends a month ago.

 

Its also strange that there have been many b'day and gatherings that she has turned down that I was not invited to !!

 

Scruff

[BONO]

Just to fill you in a bit the reason we split up although she loves and respects me she cant make a decision right now about getting back. Fair point, shes moved 500km away. Yet, I think she is trying to keep herself visible to me. There is no doubt that one of the reasons she has picked my brothers b'day to come back is me. As clearly I will be there.

 

She knows im dating other people now and she also knows that I am best friends with her best friends due to the link through my bro.

 

This situation is tough as I will be friends with these guys for the rest of my life and as a result the ex will always be there.

 

The reason why I said I'll make other plans is to show her that I am serious about moving on and would even sacrifice my own bros b'day over seeing her. It also puts a seed in her mind that she will be preventing me attend the party thus making her look quite selfish.

 

 

 

 

Scruff

[Bethany]

You're 30 years old. You're more than capable of phoning her up and asking her what the hell is going on and does she want you back or not? Tell her that you're more than willing to talk about your relationship and talking things through to see if there is a chance of you getting back together but if she just wants to be friends, it's not what you want so please respect your wishes and leave you the hell alone as you've started dating again.

[BONO]

Thank you.

 

I did that 27 days ago. She went on holiday and phoned me from her cell quite a bit telling me she misses me loves me blah blah. Turns out the bill was more than the holiday (sigh)

 

So 27 days ago I asked her what was going on. Did not an the answer. So put my foot down.

 

scruff

[Bethany]

Phone her up and ask her straight out, "Do you want to get back with me or not, yes or no?" make her say yes or no.

 

If she falters, gives you any reason to doubt her intentions or doesn't reply or replies with umm, umm maybe etc, take it as a "I don't think so, so I guess I'm just playing with you and I don't care what you want or what you think and I'll do what I want when I want whether you're getting hurt or not" and MOVE the hell on and DON'T go to the party or if you DO go, take a date, don't drink, just show your face and leave early.

[eddie500]

OK, so its obvious that scruffism wants his ex back, as he said it directly and it is written all over his posts. Its also obvious that she doesn´t want him back, or they would obviously be together. She is just giving him the women BULL when she says I miss you, love you etc. becuase if she really did she would want to get back together.

 

So, the thing is if you don´t go to the party you will just look immature. To her and your friends, and it will just make her win.

I´d say go to the party and see what happens,make fun of her to build the tension, but if nothing postive comes about then just forget about her becuase its OVER and realize that its OVER.

[BONO]

The relationship is over as it stands - I know that.

 

However, she is making in-roads into keeping herself visible to me. Why ? Who knows - but Im assuming actions speak louder than words.

 

In addition to this weekend I received an email from my friend a week after starting NC stating my ex's disire to come on a ski trip we all arranged in Oct. Hmmmmmm !!

 

She had the option then to come, but said NO.

 

The second I tell her she is not going to be my friend and start NC she is booking visits that clash with my Bro B'day AND looking into coming skiing.

 

 

 

 

 

Scruff

[karen95]

You will have to be really careful this week. You have been able to continue with NC for 27 days and you don't want to wreck all the good work that you have achieved for yourself, and perhaps in getting her back agian by saying/doing anything silly!

so is she at the point where she does not know if she wants to be with you or not?

is there any way that you could take a date to this party. maybe that would get her into action (or not). but i am sure that you would be able to see by her reaction if she is insanly jealous or not.

and if she is still in a place where she doesn't know what she wants, and you end up telling her your feelings you could end up pushing her away.

and do read all the signs such as her coming home the weekend that she knows your bro's party is on, but maybe you should not say anything aboutthis to her incase you read the signals wrong! i guess the best thing you could do is act like you are perfectly fine with the fact that you are broken up (and bring a date if you think it would help)

[BONO]

My ex does get jelous VERY !!

 

Yet, bringing a date and rubbing her face in it at my bro b'day hmmmmm not sure I could do that - just in case it kicks off

 

It would not be fair on the date how would you feel- also it will be obvious that I still have feelings for the ex.

 

 

Makes sense ??

 

 

 

 

Scruff

[karen95]

yeah it does make sense. but you are going to have to be prepared on how you are going to act around her. how do you think that she is going to expect you to act around her?

[BONO]

Majord

 

Any thoughts ???????

 

 

 

Cheers

 

 

Scruff

[melrich]

Look NC is a great tool to help get over someone. But fact is, in mature adult relationships it is not always possible to do the teenage, absolute no contact thing. There are many cross relationships cutting through the core relationship, there may be kids involved, there may be finances involved.

 

You are taking NC too far. Let me also say NC does not give anyone the right to dictate who another person will and won't see.

 

I agree with another poster who said you should have said nothing, gone to the party and ignored her if that helped.

 

Now I think if it is your issue (seeing her) then you are the one that has to give way. It is unfortunate that your brother invited you both (did he know your were not wanting to see her, if so why did he ask her?) but ultimately it seems that you are the one that has the issue here.

[BONO]

Saw my mates last night who agree with the last post. NC is the way to go on a daily basis but situations will arise that are out of my control.

 

 

Difficult situations sadly mean difficult responses. I cannot not go to my brothers b'day. Its send out totally the wrong signals to all our friends and sets a precident for future gatherings. In that I mean it is me with the issue. If I have an issue with the ex ( I want her back) then there is a high chance that our friends may second think future decisions where we will be together on that basis.

 

 

I will have to gather strength from the fact that she is coming to a gathering that I will be at. I am not going to a party that she is at. She in effect is coming to me.

 

 

It would have been are second year anniversary. She is single - Im dating she is making a big effort to travel 500km. In effect this could unsettle her. In that she has made a lifestyle choice to move away from 95% of her friends to focus on her career.

 

 

* All her friends will be there having a great time

 

 

* I will be there having a great time

 

 

* We met exactly 2 years ago to the day

 

 

* She told me less than a month ago that I have been the nicest person

she ever spent time with and still loves me.

 

 

* She will naturally love Sat and the weekend and miss it more on Monday morning when she goes back

 

 

* I have to use this situation not to show any emotion towards her - but have a great time - be aloof , be funny and make sure that when she goes back home and I go back into NC she is thinking about the lifestyle she could have here with me and her friends.

 

 

 

Anything else would be negative and potentially a step in the wrong direction

 

 

Scruff

[melrich]

I think that is the right approach.

 

Good luck. I hope you can enjoy the night.

[kadvati79]

Mate make sure you post how it goes. Be Strong!

[BONO]

Thanks Guys

 

I see it like this.

 

 

I have to move on (mentally and phsyically) By not going it only delays future contact due to the dynamics and makes me look immature weak and needy. By delaying future contact there is a case that it will delay me moving on.

 

 

 

I have no idea how I will feel on Sat and as a result i am anxious. Yet once I get through Sat - with out showing emotion or talking about us - just being funny and aloof. Im one step closer.

 

 

 

The ex will always be in my life in one form or another - Fact.

 

 

 

Situations like this will hopefully only occur a few times a year - unless she misses her friends too much and comes back . There is no doubt she has come down to be visible to me and perhaps is insecure that Im spending time with our friends without her because she decided to leave this city and settle elsewhere.

 

Her decisions tend to be bipolar. Leaving London and all her friends she sees as family to live with her mum at 28 ? Then missing all her friends and livestyle when she does. This weekend will not help her settle at all.

 

 

 

If she was just missing her friends - there is another party in two weeks which she could go to and I could decline easy. So from that I conclude she wants to see me.

 

 

Any hints or comments I would Love

 

 

 

A nervous Scruff !!!

[BONO]

So went to my bro party. My bro and I got there first around 9pm. Alot of my bro friends bagged due to different reasons. Guess who turned up first with one of her friends ????!!!!

 

You could not script it !

 

She looked beautiful and had clearly made a massive effort to do so. New hair cut new clothes all bought and done that day !

 

I made the first move - a simple "hello how you doing" She replied fine - but still clearly on edge looking around for other people to talk to. There was no one yet !

 

My bro got stuck into a conversation with her mate - GREAT. So we just chatted about various things that had happened over the last month - given we are technically in NC !! I was aloof, funny and at time poked fun at the NC situation.

 

I read all the body language signs

 

 

 

1) She looked on edge.

 

2) She was drinking very slowly -an hour for a bottle of beer - not like her

 

3) At first her responses to any open questions I put her way were short and closed. I relaxed her a bit she opened up a bit.

 

 

******* At no point did us or the relationship come up *************

 

 

 

2 hours later our other friends rocked up !! Honestly. The ex then went back to normal in that we just got on. Turns out one of her friends told her that I would not be bringing my date !!!!!!

 

Move forward to 3am dancing, laughing - not drunk - just having a good time with all our friends. I was then invited to have further drinks around the corner. I declined at first then said yes. Only 4 of us there + the ex.

 

We all sat aroud talking and laughing until the early hours. At no point did us come up.I went home fell asleep - went out on Sunday pm. Text from the ex

 

" Are you ok and now well rested "

 

Responded 1 hour later

 

"Top of the world - thank god I have Monday off."

 

Response

 

" Feel really ill and sickly"

 

Me

 

" Drink loads of water - take care"

 

 

 

Yesterday morn a long text about how she is still ill and wanted to enjoy the day followed by " What you doin"

 

Anyway to cut along story short she came round to drop my Bro card off. Her mum called her and clearly asked about me. I assume from that she has been talking to her mum about us. We went walked around the shops all afternoon and drank coffee. AGAIN NO TALK OF US OR THE RELATIONSHIP.

 

I put her on a train home around 8pm last night. We both hugged each other - I looked at her striaght in the eyes they were diylated. She said look forward to seeing you soon - I said U2 and walked away.

 

 

I have a group email from her this morn the first one in months. I have not replied.

 

 

I feel fine. I'm dating she is not. She respects and loves me and sometimes thats the best it comes to. She knows I will be in her life in some shape or form but right now its not meant to be. She is buying a flat 500km away misses me and her friends but is getting settled in her life. I know that any action on my behalf will ruin it.

 

If you squeeze a bar of soap too hard what happens ??

 

She still dearly wants to come skiing - I told her that given our dynamics its fine, but she wil have to see with work.

 

 

 

Scruff

[BONO]

A side note.

 

1) She loves and repects me.

 

2)I'm best friends with her best friends

 

3)She picked my bro b'day to come down

 

4)She is scared about loosing me

 

5)She cant be with me right now due to having career focus and moving city - I MUST RESPECT THIS AND I WILL.

 

 

 

All I can do is worry about me move on and see what happens in the future. I am the prize - she has shown that this weekend- actions speak loader than words. Its not the end to the saga but potentially the beginning of something new for me.

 

Ps I'm not leaving this site at all Ha ha

 

 

 

 

 

Scruff