Let's be honest.

[ManyYearsDevastated]

As far as I can tell, several years after my breakup, and having dated several hundred guys, moving on means accepting that your new boyfriend is only about 3% as nice or as kind as your ex. Moving on means accepting that when you are with your new boyfriend. you feel dead inside.

 

After awhile, you realize that the times with your ex were the only happy times you will ever see. You just pick a new boyfriend and accept that he doesn't treat you nicely but that you aren't going to find anyone who does.

 

It is just all about accepting a lower quality of life for yourself.

 

The pain never really goes away. You just lower your expectations and move on.

 

I wish people would have been upfront about this when the breakup happened. It has taken me a lot of years to stop hoping to meet someone nice and caring like my ex.

[Beyondthesea]

I disagree with you. I dated a lot of duds myself, but I finally found someone MUCH better than my ex.

 

And btw, if your ex was so wonderful and caring, why is he your ex?

[friscodj]

I'm sorry you have gone through such a struggle with this. I think the choice to be happy lies within yourself at this point, and that you may be holding onto the past too much. Your ex was not perfect, I hate to tell you. And you aren't either. The key is to find someone who you can be "imperfect" with and be happy...it isn't about measuring people against each other...

 

Perhaps at this point a visit to a counselor would help you? Have you tried this? Reading your post really made me feel for you...

 

Your soulmate is out there, believe that. What you can do now is to be ready for him when he shows up and I'm not sure you are...sorry to say...

[Darketernal]

Your not over your ex-bf, you haven't 'moved on' as you would have liked us to believe. That's why you still feel dead inside and why even dating a 'thousand' guys could never meet up the standards with 'him', because if it isn't 'him' then it isn't 'going to happen' You want him back, thats for sure.

 

Is that thought realistic? Probably not seeing your in sack and ashes here. I think you should never have gone into a relationship expecting things to work out just because it concerns 'your' case, a guy can pack his bags and leave anyday.

 

The rest is just bull * * * * of what you wrote, you are giving the power away of your own life into someone elses hands , these new boyfriends they might as wel have been empty puppets from your perspective. With an attitude like that you are letting yourself to be nothing more then a log of wood adrifting in some river heading towards a waterfall.

 

Nothing in this universe can make you happy exepct loving and helping other people, Life is what you make it, celebrate it. Bring this power back where it belongs, namely in 'your' hands. That way you will be a defining factor wether a relationship works out or not, if you do that then you will be acting responsible like you should for your OWN quality of life, which is defined by you, and not by any man.

 

Stop being so shallow, stop expecting things from life that aren't there. What you need is 'closure' from your failed relationship. There are many great men out there , not only do they need a oppertunity, but you also have to give yourself a chance.

[phaseone]

How did you guys break up?

 

It sounds like you have your own issues to deal with before even going back into the dating scene. As they say, you need to love who you are before loving someone else. Who knows, you may have even passed on your soulmate with the perception you have right now.

 

As others have said, seek counseling.

 

Good Luck!

[shes2smart]

Maybe you should try raising your expectations instead of lowering them.

 

You're not going to have a quality boyfriend if you don't start with a quality person. Lowering your expectations isn't the way to attract and select quality people.

 

It is just all about accepting a lower quality of life for yourself.

 

You're the one who decided to accept a lower quality of life. If that's what you deemed acceptable, then it's no surprise that's what you're getting. You can choose differently at any time, though.

 

You are still comparing new guys to your ex, which would indicate that you haven't moved on. You're focusing your attention on the past, which you can't do a single thing about. It's over, it's done. As the saying goes, "Even the almighty God cannot change the past."

 

Perhaps you are just going through a momentary down time, and that's cool...it happens to everyone. Sometimes we all need to vent/complain/whine and feel sorry for ourselves. However, if this is your overall outlook on life all the time, that's not cool and it's not healthy. (and it's not the kind of thoughts and attitude that would attract a healthy, happy person to become involved with, either.) If this is where your thoughts are more often than not, you might want to look into some counseling.

[ManyYearsDevastated]

I dated several hundred guys before I met my ex. I always felt dead inside and none of them were kind to me.

 

Then, I met my ex. He was so kind and caring toward me. We broke up because he had a goal to be a step-father (he doesn't want biological kids for personal reasons) and I don't have kids. I went through 3 years of agony wondering what I had done wrong because he did not tell me during the breakup. I agree mostly with the no contact thing but you never get closure. The day that I finally decided to be brave and ask what happened, moved me forward in healing more than 3 years of no contact.

 

At the same time, I could not have contact with him on a daily basis because my life sucks so much and seeing his new life would just bring me down more. For me, it is hard enough just accepting each dating relationship as painful and empty. I don't want to see a comparision with what could have been.

 

I went to 3 different counselors. Each one advised me to just keep dating more people, which is what I have been doing.

 

All of my friends and family have commented that my ex is the only person who seemed to "get me" and the only person that they thought was in any way right for me.

 

Should I try another counselor? Another thought that I had was just not dating anymore. It seems like whenever I am dating someone who has no regard or care for me, I feel empty inside and become depressed. If I don't date, I miss out on any chances of maybe finding love again. But, at least the demons of being so alone, empty and depressed in my relationships go away.

[friscodj]

Wow, this is pretty epic. I have some thoughts:

 

1) I think the bigger issue here is inside of you. You said a lot of things that make me believe that: feeling "dead" inside, "my life sucks so much", "demons" of being alone...this is heavy stuff and I don't think dating more people will solve them.

 

2) Have you told your counselors about (1)? Are they missing this or overlooking it? Perhaps you should seek a better counselor then? Or one you feel more comfortable opening up to? There are good and bad counselors out there for you, just like good and bad men for you...some just don't fit...others do...

 

3) Continuing with (2), I think you are stuck in a pattern of dating bad men for you. Believe me, I have been there too, and am trying very hard to break out of it. Where are you meeting these men you date? Do you have a passion(s) in life, an activity where men participate as well? A hobby? Perhaps there, or the Internet, which has done well for a lot of people including myself...

 

4) Your family and friends certainly aren't helping things and I think you should have a serious talk with them about what they are telling you and how it isn't helping you get over him. You want to get them on your side, helping you move forward, and looking for good guys for you...

 

5) If your ex was "the one" for you, don't you think he would have worked with you and his goal? I mean, there are ways around what he wants, like a surrogate mother, adoption, etc. And just because he treated you well, doesn't mean he is the "be all end all" either. There are plenty of nice and available guys out there...and in time you'll meet one for you...and with some work...you'll make a wonderful relationship together...

 

6) For what it's worth, I think you can get closure from within yourself, through analyzation of the situation, introspection, and time. And sometimes, your ex won't know exactly what happened either, or think they may know but really not...and getting an answer during a breakup may be clouding the truth with feelings or anger, frustration, self-protection, sadness, and confusion...

[ManyYearsDevastated]

Thanks, friscodj.

 

I am all out of counseling dollars on my insurance until August, so I will just have to get by until then. I am going to start researching to see if I can find a better counselor to see in August. I think I need more help than just dating more people.

 

I usually meet men on the Internet dating services, but (embarrassingly), I have dated almost everyone on those services in my city.

 

I know that my ex and I will never, ever get back together. I guess what is soooooooo hard is that he was the only good relationship I ever had.

 

I don't think that my family and friends are trying to make me feel bad about my ex. They are just pointing out that my current boyfriend (we have been together 6 weeks) has no job, is rude and makes me cry all the time. I can't stand him but I feel like you have to have relationships in order to be considered "moved on".

 

My whole life (pre-ex and post-ex) I have been able to have relationships but I don't seem to be able to find loving relationships.

 

What does "moving on" look like for someone like me? Must I actually fall in love again to be considered "moved on"?

 

What percentage of the average person's relationships are with people that you can't stand but are hoping that you may be able to force yourself to fall in love?

[Beyondthesea]

Firstly, if you are with someone who doesn't have a job, is rude and makes you cry all the time, drop him before you become attached. (I know, how could you?)

 

You don't have to be in love with someone else to be 'moved on.' You just have to accept that the relationship is over, and that your life continues without them. You wish them well and each person goes their separate ways.

 

Personally I would not 'force myself' to fall in love with someone. I would rather be alone than settle for that. And trust me, I've dated as many losers as you have. I just drop them and look for someone better, and after them, it's not hard.

 

Don't waste your time or energy with someone you don't love, even if that means you are alone. Being alone is time for soul searching, and loving yourself. There's nothing wrong with it. Then when you do find someone, you have all your senses about you, and you know what you will/will not accept.

[Nathalie1970]

I think you should heal yourself from within. I think because you feel badly about yourself so you attract people not worthy of you (treat you the way you feel). Your ex bf would have found a way to stay with you no matter what the problem was, if he really wanted to. Your friends and family shouldn't be saying "he gets you", they should be saying what a jerk he was to leave and that you are worth better. I have been to counseling and not one therapist has ever said to me, date more people, they suggest getting over the ex bf somewhat so I can feel better before bringing someone new into my life.

 

Remember you are worth treating nicely and with respect, there are nice guys out there that will, but you need to know that you are someone special first and foremost.

[Orlander]

ManyYears, I believe you have to get to a point in life where you are happy without someone in your life before you can truly be happy. I don't know for certain, and obviously I was not there, but I have a feeling your relationship with your ex was more of a codependent relationship then a loving relationship.

 

I absolutely think you should see a counselor again in August and I think the focus should be on making yourself happy without someone in your life. If they tell you to "just date more men" then you need to find a new counselor. Good luck and keep posting.

 

 

Orlander