ManyYearsDevastated

Thanks, friscodj. I am all out of counseling dollars on my insurance until August, so I will just have to get by until then. I am going to start researching to see if I can find a better counselor to see in August. I think I need more help than just dating more people. I usually meet men on the Internet dating services, but (embarrassingly), I have dated almost everyone on those services in my city. I know that my ex and I will never, ever get back together. I guess what is soooooooo hard is that he was the only good relationship I ever had. I don't think that my family and friends are trying to make me feel bad about my ex. They are just pointing out that my current boyfriend (we have been together 6 weeks) has no job, is rude and makes me cry all the time. I can't stand him but I feel like you have to have relationships in order to be considered "moved on". My whole life (pre-ex and post-ex) I have been able to have relationships but I don't seem to be able to find loving relationships. What does "moving on" look like for someone like me? Must I actually fall in love again to be considered "moved on"? What percentage of the average person's relationships are with people that you can't stand but are hoping that you may be able to force yourself to fall in love?

I dated several hundred guys before I met my ex. I always felt dead inside and none of them were kind to me. Then, I met my ex. He was so kind and caring toward me. We broke up because he had a goal to be a step-father (he doesn't want biological kids for personal reasons) and I don't have kids. I went through 3 years of agony wondering what I had done wrong because he did not tell me during the breakup. I agree mostly with the no contact thing but you never get closure. The day that I finally decided to be brave and ask what happened, moved me forward in healing more than 3 years of no contact. At the same time, I could not have contact with him on a daily basis because my life sucks so much and seeing his new life would just bring me down more. For me, it is hard enough just accepting each dating relationship as painful and empty. I don't want to see a comparision with what could have been. I went to 3 different counselors. Each one advised me to just keep dating more people, which is what I have been doing. All of my friends and family have commented that my ex is the only person who seemed to "get me" and the only person that they thought was in any way right for me. Should I try another counselor? Another thought that I had was just not dating anymore. It seems like whenever I am dating someone who has no regard or care for me, I feel empty inside and become depressed. If I don't date, I miss out on any chances of maybe finding love again. But, at least the demons of being so alone, empty and depressed in my relationships go away.

As far as I can tell, several years after my breakup, and having dated several hundred guys, moving on means accepting that your new boyfriend is only about 3% as nice or as kind as your ex. Moving on means accepting that when you are with your new boyfriend. you feel dead inside. After awhile, you realize that the times with your ex were the only happy times you will ever see. You just pick a new boyfriend and accept that he doesn't treat you nicely but that you aren't going to find anyone who does. It is just all about accepting a lower quality of life for yourself. The pain never really goes away. You just lower your expectations and move on. I wish people would have been upfront about this when the breakup happened. It has taken me a lot of years to stop hoping to meet someone nice and caring like my ex.

Hi know where you are coming from. See my post at link removed Being dumped this 2nd time broke the camel's back for me. 37 years of having relationships with guys that meant nothing. 37 years of feeling dead inside during the whole relationship. You sound like you might be a bit younger. Maybe there is still hope for you.

Good questions. The first guy did not tell me this until we broke up but he wanted to be a stepdad. He didn't have a good stepdad and he wants to contribute to the world in that way. He does not want kids of his own. It was a deal-breaker that I do not have kids already. He now lives out of state, but I know that his last 3 girlfriends have all been where he was positioning himself to be a future stepdad. He has to do what is best for him and I have no ill-will toward him. However, he should not have been booking trips all over to meet my family my family if he did not foresee a long-term relationship with me. The 2nd guy broke up with me via text message. He wants to date other people but he really wants to be friends with me and continue hanging out. He thought that me, him and the new women he intends on meeting would have a great time out at the clubs dancing. I have not had any contact with him since the text message. I am in too much pain to have any contact with him. As for every other guy that I have ever dated, even in high school...I just never felt any type of an interest/attraction/friendship with any of them. Until I met the first guy, I thought that was how dating was supposed to be. You just felt dead inside from the time it started until it ended. With all the guys except the two, there are four ways things end: 1. Over the course of the relationship, the feeling of being dead gets worse and worse until I am crying all the time at work, etc. Then, I break up with the guy because I have learned through the years that this is the instant way to cure this dead feeling. 2. The feeling of being dead inside is so bad at the start of the relationship that I get really depressed and just sleep too much and don't return phone calls so things fall apart. 3. The guy confronts me and says that he doesn't think I am interested and asks me to say "I love you" or demonstrate another token of the relationship, like buying property together. Since I have never had feeings of interest/attraction/friendship in any relationships other than the two guys, I don't feel that I can lie to someone outright, so I just break up. The dead feeling inside instantly goes away, even with the guy that I dated 2 years. 4. The guy decides not to pursue it and since I never had any interest/attraction/friendship, I just let it go. I associate dating as something where you just feel dead inside right from the start. My only two non-dead inside relationships were the two guys I have discussed. It was just so nice to have someone in my life that I had feelings about. Every night, he called to ask me about my day and he really took time to listen. My five months of a miracle are over. I don't know how to change this. Hence, the self-pity.

My boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me on Monday. He just wants to be "friends"/wants to be able to see other people. During our relationship, he always took time to listen to me and I miss that so much right now. I am not eating or sleeping hardly at all. I have had no contact with him since then. I am consumed with how long it is going to take me to get over him because I have a very hard time connecting with guys in any meaningful way. I have dated hundreds of guys. Even though I felt dead at the start of the relationship, I went on and dated some guys for as long as 2 years, hoping to develop any sort of romantic feelings. Six years ago, I met a guy and I actually felt romantic feelings for the first time in my life. He dumped me after about six months. I went back to dating and having relationships even though feeling no romantic feelings. I just kept believing that I would eventually develop feelings if I dated someone long enough. Meanwhile, I cried myself to sleep for 4 years. He was the first guy I loved. By some miracle, I met this new guy five months ago and fell in love again. He was so kind and I trusted him. I went onto several online dating services today, in an attempt to move on. While reviewing the profiles, I realized that over the past several years, I have already either dated or received "not interested" from all the guys in my metro area on these services. My friends have introduced me to every single guy they know but I never developed romantic feelings although I tried to make the feelings happen when I was dating these guys. For my entire life, I have been in a loving relationship for a grand total of 11 months. I don't know what to "move on" toward. I have run out of people to date. And I have run out of faith. Do I keep using guys who ask me out to try to force myself to have romantic feelings? It seems so wrong to lead someone on. I have taken a few year-long breaks from dating altogether. Should I just go into that mode permanently? Maybe life is sending me a signal that there is just not going to be marriage/kids ever for me. Or do I pack up and move to a new city and spend several more years dating several more hundred guys and having empty relationships in order to maybe find that romantic connection only to get dumped a few months later? All that I know from my last breakup is that it took me 4 years before I was not distraught 24 hours a day. And even then, most days after that, I was still miserable much of the time. Only in meeting this new guy, did I 'get over' the first guy. And now, my new boyfriend is gone, along with all my hope.