Sister's Engagment

[lucy259]

I'm 28 and was broken up with at the end of September after a 3.5 year relationship, where he just couldn't move further. I saw someone this past January for about a month, who blew me off, which hurt too. These are my only signifcant relationships. My younger sister is 24 and just got engaged a few days ago to her boyfriend that she's dated on and off, but mostly on for the past 8 years (they've been on for the past 5 or 6). I'm basically miserable by this whole thing. I want to be happy for her, but I was already having tremendous anxiety about being alone and about never meeting anyone. I know that this is a happy time for her and I don't want to be bitter and spoil it... However, this just keeps reminding me of how alone and inadequate I feel. I feel like I never got a chance with my sister because she's been dating him her whole adult life and that I'm perpetually the third wheel. I don't want to become one of those bitter, angry single older sisters, but not sure how to work through this. It just feels like this isn't what is supposed to happen and play out this way. I've tried talking to her and my mom and just wish that I could find some peace. I feel such tremendous pressure to meet someone and start that chapter of my life, but just don't know how to keep pushing forward.

[Mrocza]

First of all, there is no set time line as to when you should get married. It differs for each person.

 

While you may not have had luck in your relationships and they didn't last- does it really matter? Could you see it moving forward with these guys? Especially now, in hindsight. You know it wouldn't have worked because well, it would have.

 

However, you will find happiness. It doesn't happen right away, some people have to wait awhile, and others are more fortunate to find their special someone early on. It must suck trying to be happy for your sister when you're miserable for yourself. You're not a bad person though.

 

You truly care for your sister and envying her luck is normal. You need to be realisitic though. Just because she's getting married before you doesn't mean you never will. I know- you probably think it should be the other way, but who cares. You're not the bitter older sister. You're the fun, independent woman with your own life who happens to be single.

 

Have fun. Be happy with yourself. Love who you are, and if someone loves the you that you love, well maybe it'll work out as well. You have lots of time and all the time in the world for new experiences! You're young!

 

Marriage will come on it's own, when it's meant.

[Relationship Coach]

Lucy,

 

You are not in competition with your sister! Don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself to find someone. At 28 there are many single men and women out there searching for what they want. Your sister is fortunate to have found her man at such an early age. Although she has missed out on experiencing different men, that could be seen as a positive or negative depending on each individuals views. Be happy for her and be there for her as she would for you. Don't you think she wants you to be happy as well? Take your time and when you least expect it, he will be standing right in front of you. Good Luck!

 

RC

[Itsok]

Here's a virtual husband for you until you can fill the void. This will give you a reminder of what you have to look forward to so you can enjoy your single life in the meantime

 

 

 

EDIT: This is in NO way supposed to be a blow at you, I'm only trying to make you smile

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I am 29 years old and not even close to getting married. I know how you feel though....3 of my friends all got engaged last year and it was kind of tough. Also, both of my brothers are married. I am in the middle so my little brother, whom is 3 years younger than me has been married for 3 years. But I figure in due time, I will be married. Marriage is such a big deal...something I do not want to rush into or be in competition with.

 

Hang in there...things will happen when they should.

[Mrocza]

Here's a virtual husband for you until you can fill the void. This will give you a reminder of what you have to look forward to so you can enjoy your single life in the meantime

 

 

 

EDIT: This is in NO way supposed to be a blow at you, I'm only trying to make you smile

 

LOL. Runaway Bride?

[friscodj]

I just recently ended a relationship myself (of 1.5 years 4 months ago) and am still struggling with that. My younger (i.e., "baby") sister (of 7 years) just moved in with her boyfriend and they are very serious. Plus, I'm the last male in my family to carry on the family name...so I feel you!

 

The key I think to not becoming the bitter older sister is recognizing it. You know you don't want to be that person so don't! Whenever you catch yourself with feelings of bitterness or the like, just replace them with good thoughts for her...

 

And why is marriage in-and-of itself such a big deal? A lot of people mistake marriage as a "goal" and miss the reality that it is a lifelong process that takes constant work to maintain. Plus, "getting married" is not an accomplishment. Do you know how many people get married for the wrong reasons? Marry people who are wrong for them? Who never should have gotten married in the first place? Have no idea what they're doing? I suspect quite a few...

 

Both being married and being single have advantages and disadvantages. Focus on the advantages of being single and enjoy them while you can...

[SLMitchell918]

Hang in there. You are not, by any way, on a time limit. So dont put yourself on one. I know its hard watching you sister get engaged, but honestly believe that it will happen to you one day.

 

Enjoy being single for now. Because as soon as you find your one and only ( which you will, so please don't give up) you will forever be his!

[lucy259]

I know that this stuff takes time and have issues both with being patient and feeling inadequate. I have been a bridesmaid three times in six months and have lots of married friends. My sister and I have always been in a weird self-imposed competition. My parents haven't really compared us and neither of us has really pressured the other, its just sort of unspoken. We are both hard-working, smart, motivated people. However, I've always been the responsible one, closer to my parents, and the one she runs to first when something goes wrong (she knows I'm always the one to fix things when they go wrong for her), but I'm also the one who bears the brunt of her anger/rage, when things do go wrong. I feel like we've always had tension between us and it was just beginning to get better the past few months/weeks and now I feel like I'm losing her.

 

The fact is I don't want to date her fiance, am glad that I know I can live on my own, and have had the chance to date... but just feel that this isn't the natural order of things. It's not how I envisioned by life would be at this age or how things would play out. My sister has always been the independent one, the risk taker, but also the one who went to the dances in high school, had male friends, and boyfriends. It's all really fine and good except when I think of the upcoming wedding it just eats at me. Not sure how to hold it together...

[Scout]

Lucy, for what it's worth, when I was 28 I'd never even had a relationship that lasted longer than a year. You had one that lasted three times that long. Clearly you're capable of long-term, committed relationships, so at least that's one hurdle you don't have to worry about. I am confident you will meet the right man for you, and he'll commit to you forever.

 

I do sympathize with these uncomfortable feelings of sibling rivalry you're having. And again, I commend you for being uncomfortable with these feelings, it shows you do care and love your sister and hate to begrudge her any happiness. But, naturally her wedding plans can't help but make you wish you had someone in your life. You will, and when you do, your sister will be the first one to share in your joy. So, put aside your anxieties a bit right now, and share in your sister's joy, as well.

[lucy259]

Scount--

Thanks for your response... I somehow thought this would get easier... But my sister just hasn't been there for me recently and when we went to talk, words were had and she went off on how its not her fault she's getting married first and I'm all alone...I really don't care how much she apologizes, its just something I can't seem to let go of....

[Scout]

Lucy, try to let go of it, though. You're going to look back some day and feel really guilty for stressing your sister out during a time that, I'm sorry, really is about her and her impending marriage. Please don't take that away from her. She can't be there for you as much as you would like right now, she's got a big date ahead of her that is consuming most of her time.

 

I know you hurt inside. But there are times in life where we must put aside our problems and put on a brave and happy face to the rest of the world. There are times where we must summon every bit of character and strength we have to do the right thing. This is one of those times for you.

[Jylaine]

I just wanted to say from the younger sister point of view...I am 22 and getting married in June to a man I am inlove with and my sister she is 30 and seems to get hurt time after time...we talk about it and I know she is happy for me but struggles but we both realize that our lives are not the same and we have taken two very different paths..My suggestion to you is to talk to you sister get involved with the wedding the best thing to do is to laugh and get into the spirit of it all...I am sure your sister realizes that even though she is happy and getting married that you may not be. I know I sure thought about how my sister would feel. She has supported me 100% and she tells me now that she would be more unhappy if she secluded herself and didnt get involved. You will find yours when the time is right....don't write off love yet just because you haven't found it yet...it usually comes when you least expect it.

[birdgirl]

I feel your pain. I'm 29 and I've been so sooooooooooo many weddings this past year, including my mom's (dad passed away). My brother is 22 and it looks like he'll be getting married and having kids before I do. I am currently at work, but as soon as I get out to my car, I plan to cry about it.

 

I feel your pain, I really do.