(long)Just a fool - Needing to write

[Jjasonn28]

Hello again.

 

Its been several days since my last post. Ive been feeling somewhat better this week, minus a few downs... but overall, i have been doing well.

 

So, Im riding it out. Maintaining contact, though limited. What I mean is that I havent been initiating the contact. And on a couple occasions, when she has tryed to contact, I turned a blind eye, and just let it go. Since she's been going to school in another city, we have turned to MSN for most of our contact. I set up our computers so that we could have video conferences.. to hopefully make things easier.

 

Well the other morning, she sent me an email. This is so VERY unusual for her. First off, when I sent her emails, she rarely responded. Its always been like that, and quite honestly never really bugged me. She preferred to talk via phone, msn or in person. So I was a little shocked to see an email from her. There was nothing special about it.. she was writing to say hi. She was at the library before a midterm and was thinking of me...

 

So later that night she called. I answered and the conversation was nice, but different... different than they've been lately anyhow. She was very energetic, very playful. It was so wonderful to hear, but at the same time confused me a little. She asked if I was surprised to receive an email from her, to which I said yes. She told me she sent it partly because she was thinking of me, and partly because she wants to work on communicating better with me....

 

You know, I just dont get it. I dont understand why. Sure, this is a positive thing... her wanting to improve on her communication. But why now. Why after we have split up. So confusing. Needless to say that conversation left me a tad more confused.

 

The next day, she signed into MSN in the afternoon. I was sitting at the computer when she did, but I ignored it. She didn't know wether I was home or not, but she only signs in when she wants to talk. Im not quite sure why I ignored her, but I just did. I guess not wanting to initiate contact had something to do with it. If she had sent me a message, I would have answered.. So for two hours, she remained online. I was going about my business when she called again. I answered, and again the conversation was a good one. She, very playful, happy. But I found that I was reserved.. more than normal. She sensed it and asked if I was okay, which I was... just I felt.. i dunno.. distant. Almost as though I was a third person listening in on this conversation...

 

After that conversation, I started to think. Am I starting to put up walls with her? I really dont want to, but is it inevitable that I will start to guard myself? We have always been great conversationalists. First and formost, our friendship was astounding. Ive always felt so comfortable with her, around her, even talking with her. And now.. Im starting to withdrawl.

 

Now, I dont want to be fake with her. Pretend that Im happy, when infact I'm not. And thus far, I havent been. But I dont want to be down, distant, quiet when we talk either. Id love to be happy and confident enough to contribute to our conversations like I know I can.. I guess part of this moving on, has had a pretty big effect on my confidence...

 

Im not really asking anything, I just more or less needed to write this stuff down, in hopes that I can reflect back on it, and maybe learn something. Most likely though, I'm overanalyzing things, and sounding like a rambling fool.

 

If thats the case, forgive me. I havent slept in two days.

[Diggitydave]

My advice, tell her you need more time, a lot more time. You need to let the dust settle, this is why no contact is important, see how confused you are? Remember it's no sweat off her back to talk to you because it's obvious you are probably hurting more than she is. Well at least I am guessing based on your appearance here

[octopus]

Being in constant contact doesn't help, does it? I wish you could kindly build that wall, to the point that you're indifferent, then try to be there for her. You need to get your life back together, with or without her. There's a loooong path to healing and the sooner you start, the better.

[Nathalie1970]

Jjason, Stick with NC, it will be better for you in the long run. Next time she emails or calls, explain that unless she is calling to talk about getting back together or working on your relationship then she should stop contacting you. Explain to her that you are trying to heal yourself and that her contacting you isn't helping. If she cares for you at all, she will do as you say.

 

Chin up and get some sleep