We are back together. I dont feel as I thought.

[merickso]

GROUP:

 

some of you know my story detailed, and some of you dont know it at all, so to summarize: my girlfriend broke up with me a month ago stating that she wanted a stronger relationship with God and felt that we didnt focus on that aspect of life at all. I started NC, but she still contacted me regularly, and we met the other night and talking openly and honestly and are going to work on things and we are not back together. I love her and I miss(ed) her, and I am very happy for another chance with her, which I plan on making it work for life.

 

There are a few things that I cant seem to stop feeling.

 

I cant help but feel a tad needy. I am not showing this to my girlfriend because I dont want to push her away, but its like I fear losing her again and I always want to talk to her, email her, see her. I am also feeling a bit awkward - almost like when I do see her, I am trying to do and say the right things, which is completely stupid because we are very compatible, open, and good together.

 

Its like I am so aware of how much it hurts to not have her that I am over-compensating and worrying about losing her.

 

I suppose that after being so hurt and upset for the last month, it will take some time to not worry about our relationship, but I am really scared that how I am feeling is going to turn into me acting like that, which would put extra stress on our already fragile relationship.

 

I told her this, for the most part, when we talked about getting back together 'slowly' on sunday night, but I wanted to share it with you guys and get some advice. I am so happy that I am with her again, and I love her so much, but its difficult to take it slow after being with her for a year and not having to worry about anything. Before the break up I could call her, email her, txt her lots of times a day (I didnt, dont worry!) and it would only make her more happy... but now I just dont really know how to act. I KNOW I should just act like myself, but I cant shake these feelings.

 

Is this normal? does it make sense that I feel this way since its only been a few days back at it? I dont want to lose her again, but I really dont want to feel like the the guy that "will do anything to stay together".

[healinginnyc81]

hey man, I'm really happy for you, I hope this is what you really want. I've not been in your situation but it seems like the best way to approach it is to see it almost as a new relationship rather than seeing it as getting back to what you had before. Take things slow is a good idea. Best of luck

[danylion]

I am going through the same thing. My boyfriend broke it off and then a month later we got back together but I too am feeling insecure remembering what it was like to loose him. Through this fear, I feel very needy too, its so hard to shake and gain control.

 

However, bksun is spot on and that is the advice I am trying to follow. You must try to think of it as a new relationship. I feel It is so much harder reworking an old relationship that starting again but its worth it. Just dont be too hard on your self, take it easy and try not to over analyse.

 

Best of luck and well done for getting where you are today.

Hugs

[healinginnyc81]

Another thing I wanted to say is that it's not healthy to worry too much about losing the other person. The only way to get over that is to really try to imagine a good life without that person in it. That way you won't become too needy and insecure about losing them. You'll know that it's possible to be happy without them.

[merickso]

thats a good point. I just feel ridiculous in the sense that I read into EVERYTHING now. For example, she didnt call me this morning on her way to work (she always had when we were together)... its not a big deal, but then I find myself wanting to call her, but then not calling because I dont want to seem too pushy.

 

I am trying to look at it as a new relationship, but it was only a month ago that it was an old, long term relationship where I could call her (and she always wanted me to contact her more and more) and email her without feeling that its a problem.

[NJRon]

Actually, you are kind of treating it as a new relationship in the sense that you are trying to figure out how to act, instead of just acting... as well as reading into what she is doing, instead of just seeing it for what it is.

 

I say that you go with what you want to do. Moderate it, so you don't act needy. But, if you want to call her, call her. Just like in a new relationship, if someone is calling too much for them, they will tell you.

 

The other school of thought is to just let go entirely and let her set the pace for the relationship. This will give you the peace of mind to not be second guessing everything and allow you to focus on just getting through the days until, over time, you start feeling comfortable again.

 

Sorry for the split advice, but I think there are really multpile ways of dealing with this situation and I have used both in the past.

[texasman123]

I agree. you need to treat it lke a new relationship. If you go right back to the old stuff then things will crop up again. I have talked in my own thread about my reconcile with my ex. It has been crucial for us to keep things light and treat this like a new thing, and not just going back to the daily grind. It has been great so far, and even if you are having some trouble with the change, TRUST ME, its much better to do this. Just chill and take things slow.

[merickso]

well, I do want to treat it like a new relationship, but it just seems almost impossible since it was just 5 weeks ago that it was the old relationship. Things are going just fine now, I just have to shake my needy, worrysome feelings.

 

I guess it'll take some time, like anything, to get over.

[healinginnyc81]

Really try to pay attention to what's going on around you and enjoy it. This relationship may be "the one", or it may not. Just enjoy it for what you have right now.

 

If you start to feel anxious when you're around her, try to give your full attention to her - what she's wearing, what she's saying, her body language, etc. in order to get the focus off your thoughts. and breathe slow and deep - it helps calm you down.