My situation (long i guess)

[friscodj]

When you move on do you even get anything similar to that at an intimate level?

 

Of course you do! Actually, it gets better I think. You become more in-touch with yourself, your feelings, know what makes you happy and know how to make her happy, know how to communicate better, can handle your emotions better, have a more devleoped intuition, so many things.

 

It's good you're posting here right now. You're trying to find answer, trying to grow, which is what you should do during this time apart...good job...

[aving21]

So i finnaly told her that. I said we need to find happyness away from each other so we can be stronger together. and she said she needs alot fo time alone and doesnt know how much. she says maybe years which i doubt. But i said we cant be in touch because if she misses me and calls me and i answer she would still think im there. So another question if i realize im ready for a relationship again and i call her and say look im ready lets give it a try. And she says give me more time. Do i wait for her or try other girls. And do you think she knows how much time she needs? Would it take years .

[aving21]

Ok so we are still seing each other tomorrow prob just gonna have sex cry have sex again. What will this do to us. Will it leaver her with something to come back to. Or is it just a really pleasant goodbye =/

[friscodj]

So i finnaly told her that. I said we need to find happyness away from each other so we can be stronger together. and she said she needs alot fo time alone and doesnt know how much. she says maybe years which i doubt. But i said we cant be in touch because if she misses me and calls me and i answer she would still think im there. So another question if i realize im ready for a relationship again and i call her and say look im ready lets give it a try. And she says give me more time. Do i wait for her or try other girls. And do you think she knows how much time she needs? Would it take years .

 

Sorry to say, this isn't a good sign. She went from saying "maybe days, weeks, or even years" to just "maybe years". Sounds like she's pulling away...

[friscodj]

Ok so we are still seing each other tomorrow prob just gonna have sex cry have sex again. What will this do to us. Will it leaver her with something to come back to. Or is it just a really pleasant goodbye =/

 

DO NOT have sex wth this woman! It will only complicate and confuse things more!

 

When you see her, talk about things. Remember your dignity, self-respect, and to take care of yourself. If she starts flaking on you, wish her the best and start strict NC...nothing...

 

That's what I would do...

[aving21]

No she said she doenst know how long this will take. she also said she is not pulling away she just really needs to find things out on her own. But she wants one last moment to reflect upon rather than the fight we had the last time. She has alot of issues with ehr mom that she cries about and her friends are really flakey. SO whenever she has a problem she calls and its usualy every week. She thinks teh grass is green ya know once shes alone or whatever she can be stupid but her mom is gonna drill her for it and shes gonna have nobody to run to. But i cant help but want to be there for her. she goes through this * * * * every week at home and ends up crying for hours about it. If she comes to me in a couple weeks just crying about this do i answer my phone? or let her realize what support she had within me. Or do i just fes sup for the sake of how much i care about her and still be there for her.

[friscodj]

The more you post, the more this situation sounds like you're getting yourself into a big mess. So the question is, "Can you live like this?" Because I'm starting to think no matter what you do or how much time you guys take, this situation won't change...

 

I'm also starting to see more anger and frustration in your posts too...think about it...

[aving21]

The onyl way this can work is if we separate. But i just dont knwo if i can handle this seperation at this point in my life. I need a job i feel like a loser. Ill tell you more about last few months as well then.

 

In june i got a job working at the YMCa 8 hour days. I was very happy with my job and would always come home with a smile yet a headache. She would always call when i was at work and be so frustrated about the time i was away. And she would get sad about the happyness i had and that she wanted a job too. we were ok for a while then i needed to bail on my job because it conflicted within my school. Then she got a job. She became busy and dates came harder to come by. I became sad alone and always wanting her attention. this made her think she was walking on egg shells for awhile so i backed off. I backed off until our fight last week. She has a pattern with problems. Her friends dont care about her. They dont invite ehr anywhere and then shell find out they went out. And shell be upset. but liek a month later they will call her up and shell be like YAY my friends and never told them how she feels. She hides.

 

I know what i am getting myself into. And i just think it is so hard because in fact she does need teh support i giver her when shes down. I want us to work and i really dotn think she needs "years" but what do i do if shes goign through hell. Still feel as it is my duty to take care of her. Last time she had me get her at 4 am because she thought her mom was gonna kill her.

 

All im asking is. If she calls a couple weeks from now and i ignore it. I listen to voicemail and its her saying shes goign through hell and needs to talk to me. Do i call her back and work her through it. Or will that make it seem that she still has the connection of us.

 

She wants the connection to me she has said. She wanst to still talk she just doesnt want teh pressure right now. But yet she still wants me there for her. So she cant compeletely let go or ocmpletelty hang on.

 

Do i answer my phone? Do i comfort her? Will this make her realize im there for her and make her come back, or will it make her realize that she still has me in that way and wont want me back.

 

II know it seems liek we are going downhill and im not tryin to defend her on this. I just know her better than she knows herself. She still needs me in her life. So what do i do =/

[friscodj]

Well, your last post said a lot...

 

You said you guys need separation for this to work, but don't know if you can handle that. That's a big conflict there isn't it? What does that say? It tells me that you are caught up in her issues and are losing your sanity...

 

My advice? Nothing anyone can say (especially strangers on the Internet) is going to make this easier for you. This girl is a complete mess and you feel compelled to help her and be there for her. Then do that. You know what lies ahead. See firsthand what it does to you. The only way you'll figure this one out is by living it. I believe you will reach a point where you just get completely exhausted with all of this and you'll have had enough...

 

So do what you have to do my man and good luck...we're always here to listen...

[aving21]

I just dont want to see her sad. And have no one to go to. I need to get my life in order and i will focus on my life before hers because i know i have * * * * to work out. And if i get busy again i wont be sad. But i will miss her. So if i better myself and am ready i will call her to say im happy right now and i think id be happier with you. If she isnt ready then that will be me telling her she just lost me for some one else.

[aving21]

I knwo we will work through this in the end. This is the onyl thing im worried about. Will i hold this against her? Will i be more angry that she took this break than being hapy that we are back together. And the overall scariest thing i have asked myself is . What if i get over her and she wants me back. Seh will miss me and want me back in time i believe in that 100% but, where will i be at that point? I mean is it possible i know we are on a break so we arent like 100% finished but it hurts to think i may get over her. Can you fall back in love with a person you got over?

[aving21]

Arg more to rant. Every where i go. Every thing i see there is just a memory sitting there. We were so happy its just so unbelievable how sad we became. But if we are meant to be nothing will change that fact. and i believe we are. Just how do i stay strong. Do i hold onto our love or try to move on. Like do i keep her in my mind as my love or do i some what move on and just see what happens. If im so sure i shouldnt have to prepare myself for the worst. We agreed that if either of us is comepletely done. We would tell each other first before acting on other people. But i just dont get how to handle this. We still love and care about each other but we wont be around each other. Do i just have to hold on and hope or do i let go for now, just in case i want to move on. What is she doing? She says this time isnt for us but herself. And that she cant see the future but she needs to get her act together. But she still wants me in her life. Is she afraid to let go? Why does she still want to kiss me? Why does she still want me to be there for her when shes down. why does she want to help me through something that is her fault? Will it take her missing me to figure out that in fact she wants me not some of me? or will time apart make her think she is better off without. She told me that she still feels comfort around me just doesnt want to hurt me. And she feels she will make mistakes to every one and that im the most important person to her and doesnt want to hurt me. I just dont understand. Its like shes 24% my gf. Again do i repare for the worst or follow my hearts thoughst in that she will miss me and come back soon.But if she doesnt it would hurt so much. but if i move on and she wants back in. wouldnt that send me into a spiral of confusion. Im so lost right now and my depression is kicking in high gear. I skipped class and cut myself. I am scheduled for theropy but im supposed to go with her...Should i tell her no. How can she hang on to me yet let me go. The more i think about it the harder it is to accept. We are meant to be together i know this. But is this up to me her or both of us. I think in like a month ill just re evaluate this situation again. I wont call her until im happy with myself or happier that is. But im manic depressant. And my cure is her smile. Every time i see her the hope of life runs through my veins. I feel free i think i just need to love. And the absense of this connection hurts so bad. And i realize how hard that is for her to deal with. But she gives me hope. I love her . Do i move on or follow my heart. Ever since we fell in love i have had this feeling in my heart like a chain to hers. And every time in the past when weve ha dissues it felt temporarily broken. And when we got through it the chain would eel complete again. But after this discussion i still feel the connection. God im so confused.

[friscodj]

Oh man, I didn't know about your manic depression and the cutting...this is really bad...seriously...

 

My friend, it has become ever so clear to me after the last post that you need to let go of this girl and seek help immediately. You two are caught up in each other's issues and have become co-dependent I think...

 

She's a disaster man. I've learned the more you try to figure out the disaster, the more you become a disaster yourself. You've got to muster up the courage and get the hell out of this situation ASAP and get help for yourself...

 

Keep ranting to us here but do this please...

[aving21]

So its true. We are both messed up and for us to have a chance we have to get over our own crap right? Thats how ive been feeling.

[aving21]

Its just this ok. I know im messed up. I know she is. But she needs me. I feel liek god sent me to earth to make sure she is ok. She wants to basically go out and party i think she wants to have this feeling outside of her home that the grass IS greener. But i think sooner than she thinks shes gonna have a problem and will seek me out because i have always been there. I have worked through this and i was on meds. But yah at the moment im focusing on getting myself clean for my sake not hers. I just feel that ill get over my issues and by then shell be in major need of me. So basically short put shell need me but i wont be as dependant on her ya know? Will out of love i want to help her. Or will it be like...I got over my stuff on my own why couldnt you? She is my love and im still behind teh fact we will be together. And i think it will be up to me in the future if i want to help her. She doesnt have to go through this alone. I am gonna tell her this " Look we both have to get over some things and soon we will be lonely and sad But just know you dont have to be alone im here willing to be yours , but im nto waiting for that im focusing on my problems not yours but if you absoluetly need me ill come back for you if its genuine.

[aving21]

But as of now. I will focus on myself. I will just leave me and her up to my faith in us. But day by day its hard because when i was sad shed be my uprise. Now my mom is there for me 100% and im not as hurt because of that. But she doesnt have that. When shes down she comes to me. She doenst have me so shell NEED me. I honestly think i will get over my stuff like i said and that i will get my act together. But i will never give up on her. As long as she loves me i will never know shes sad and ignore it i will never look the other way if she needs help. Because she never did this to me. So ya i know your saying shes a timebomb but i dont see it that way. She doenst face her problems i Confront mine always. I man up to them. She comes to me. So im not dedicating my life to helping her. But i will always love her and her health will always be one of my top prioritys in life as long as im fit to handle them.

 

So again in short. I know we are both a disaster. And i am escaping that right now you know? im not gonna handle hers until i feel im better. Im going to get help see a doctor and get the help i need. THAT is my #1 Concern right now is me living the next day. Because im tired of waking up wishing i was dead and bearing through each day. So i will fix that before i worry about her again. But liek i said After my happyness comes hers. Because i love her that much and i doubt any man would make such a statement for her besides me.

[friscodj]

So its true. We are both messed up and for us to have a chance we have to get over our own crap right? Thats how ive been feeling.

 

This comes first and foremost. You need to work on yourselves before you can work on the relationship I think...

[aving21]

I Really must thank you. I come here and just rant and rant and you give me honesty you dont sugar coat anything. I didnt think i would get so much satisfaction upon realizing what must happen. So thank you if tehre was any way i coudl owe up to it i would. So this is what im going to do but yah ill prob rant every day.my steps

 

1.get through tomorrow haha

2.Get help( plan on going short steps. week without cutting..2 weeks...3 week...etc.

3.Get a job

4.Reasatblish a very good relationship with my friends and family

5.Evaluate my life and what i want

6.Call her when all this has happened to tell her either a) lets work this out im happy i know who i am now or b) I need to move on my own but ill always be there for you.

 

Now i have a couple of questions. Should i just completely rule out other girls. I mean i know i wont be real with them and i know that it would mess things up with my gf. Also do i stay strong NC through her problems? or do i deal with one and say "look this is hard for me to deal with because i know i should be in yoru life teh way i was to make you happy"

And lastly what if in a couple weeks she calls me up crying saying she was stupid and that this break is pointless and she needs me.

 

So what do you think. I am very confident in myself. and through these boards i am gaining some sort of spark for everything i think. I still stand by how we are meant to be. But i will stick to my list first.

 

Lastly. How do i find the person i want to be. The person i want to be for both myself and for her(or whoever i end up with)

[friscodj]

Hey, no problem bro! Lots of people have helped me, it's all just one big melting pot of help here at ENA...

 

Your plan sounds great! Now, you actually have to do it...that will be the harder part...

 

As far as other women, dude, do you really want to bring someone else into this mess right now? You need to focus on you, not other women right now!

 

How do you find yourself? Live life, have lots of different experiences, it will come to you in time. You're super young, it's normal to feel that way, don't sweat that part, you've got bigger issues to deal with...take one at a time...

[aving21]

This question is hard to ask but ill ask it anyways. IT took me and my gf 2 years to make love for this first time. She said at teh begingin she wanted to. But didnt want to do it unels sshe pictured spending the rest of her life with me. Now if she goes into another relationship which i think wont happen. r if i do. Will that time be very soon. Or will we carry what happened in our last. K for short say i get into a new relationshio. Will it take me awhiel to be ready for sex? I see sex for than just sex i see it as a bond as girly as that sounds. But if worst case i dont get back with my first. Should i wait.Will she?

[aving21]

Yah bringing a girl into my mess right now will only make them leave which will prob be the case with her as well as she wont just hook up with anyone. But if i feel this confident should i trust it? I REALLY feel we are meant to be. Should i trust that? Trust my heart if i believe so strongly in it? Or just move on and see what happens.

[friscodj]

Yah bringing a girl into my mess right now will only make them leave which will prob be the case with her as well as she wont just hook up with anyone. But if i feel this confident should i trust it? I REALLY feel we are meant to be. Should i trust that? Trust my heart if i believe so strongly in it? Or just move on and see what happens.

 

A better idea... focus on you and your issues! They sound pretty serious my friend...you're the one I worry about not the relationship...

[aving21]

actualy feel more uplifted about the whole thing at the moment. Because i feel like im doign something for myself for once which i havent done for the last 3 years. But i still feel that confidence of us back. Feels great still hurt but feels great. Any advice how to handle her calls though. My mom insists that she will still contact me because she is curious what i am doing. Do i just ignore her calls?

[friscodj]

actualy feel more uplifted about the whole thing at the moment. Because i feel like im doign something for myself for once which i havent done for the last 3 years. But i still feel that confidence of us back. Feels great still hurt but feels great. Any advice how to handle her calls though. My mom insists that she will still contact me because she is curious what i am doing. Do i just ignore her calls?

 

Why would you want to go back to a relationship where you neglected yourself? I would ignore her calls yes...

[aving21]

I want to be together in the future. But if she needs me should i still ignore her so she realizes what shes doing? I really want her back. Just after i figure my self out. But i still holding on to thefact we will be together. But ignore her when shes in need? will that show her what she is losing?