aving21 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 hey have never posted here before so i dont know where this belongs. Me and my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years have been through alot. 2 years ago i was diagnosed with manic depression and had 4 suicide attempts. My gf stuck by me the whole way with so much love and comfort that made me realize what life was for. After the rough year we went smoothly.After 2 years she was my first and me hers. We graduated high school happy as ever.Then it took a reverse she went through complete hell at her house and wanted to cry every night, I was always there and she became dependant on me.We worked through it and she started to hide form everything that bothered her. her friends would ditch her so she would ignore them mom would treat her like * * * * so she ignored her but whenever her friends wanted to go out again she would say ok and never confront them. But recently we had problems.constant arguments and threats of breaks. But we worked out every little thing. until last week. She claimed she didnt want a relationship right now. But she loved me and would always protect me but that we needed time away. As much as it hurt i said i respected that but asked her if we could talk through ways of working it out. so when we come back together we could build from there. All this was over phone. then she says she doesnt want to see me in person because shell jump right back into it and there will be problems a lil ways down the road. So it was delayed a few times. and today we agreed to have the talk friday but now she is more certain about the time off she thinks she needs. " i may need 2 weeks 2 months or even 2 years" she said. and that she didnt wanna be restricted based on the fact she had a bf. She said she didnt want guys and that is not the issue here. Question is this. On friday in person will we be able to work things out or will she still be holding up. Whenever she tries to tell me things in person she always ends up thinking she was stupid for wanting them and ends up crying saying she was sorry. Has any girl went through this? or a guy that has gotten through this in a positive way. EDIT: Also do i do NC with her? she still calls at night its been a week and she has told me she doesnt wish to talk about what we are gonna talk over on friday. But do i just not call her? I havent but i send her a goodnight text message every night. Should i stop that as well? I know shes still partly in this because she still cares for me and still wants to be around. But should i not give her this so she can really see what its like without me? Its hard for me to talk to her and not mention whats hurting me. I dont knwo if to not answer my calls from her. Or just tell her thta it hurts me to talk to you. I dont knwo what to do its like shes still right there just not 100% I want her back but i perfectly respect her need for time off. Because i trust in our bond and i know she does too. just needs to clear her mind and realize whos been there for her when no one else was. But do i do NC?? even with texts?? -Brandon Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Hi aving21- Welcome to ENA! I'm sorry you had to join us under such circumstances... Well, you are in a very tough spot. It sounds like this woman has a lot going on with herself right now. I think in this state, you guys are better off taking a break. She needs to figure herself out on her own. So to answer your questions, no, I don't think the issue will be resolved when you meet with her. Your best course of action I think is to give her the space she wants. Tell her that you love her, want to be with her, will reflect on what you can do better in the relationship, and will support her, but understand that she needs this space right now. She told you straight-up she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. Take that to heart, I really think she means that. I have tried to talk women into being with me when they've said this and ultimately the relationship ends...with a lot of pain and heartbreak along the way... So give her space and hope she comes around and realizes she is better off with you. Be strong with this. In the meantime, do your best to occupy your time with activities you enjoy and keep yourself busy as much as possible. Reflect on the things you could do better in the relationship and find courses of action to take to realize those solutions. Also realize this could take a while. Are you prepared to wait for her? Are you prepared to leave this up to her? Are you prepared to deal with this situation again in the future? From what you've written, I'd say this has a chance of working. How much of a chance I don't think anyone can say, even her, as she has stated. Tough to tell. You guys have been through a lot together and can get through this too. Trust in the love you have for each other to keep you together through this tough time and give it a chance...how long you wait is up to you but definitely let her figure things out on her own without your intervention which may confuse her more... Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Share Posted February 21, 2006 Should i cancel? I love this girl so much.Just want us to be happy i understand that the time will be hard and i may have to wait longer than i would like but i fully trust in our love and i know how much she still loves me. Also how to i react to her calls? Do i try to sound cheerfull or do i tell her honestly that i am hurting and miss her very much. Do i just leave her alone or check up on her? Will it take my absense for her to realize? Or will it take me still being there for her even though shes hurting me? Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Should i cancel? I love this girl so much.Just want us to be happy i understand that the time will be hard and i may have to wait longer than i would like but i fully trust in our love and i know how much she still loves me. I say give it a shot man. You love this woman. Give it a chance... Also how to i react to her calls? Do i try to sound cheerfull or do i tell her honestly that i am hurting and miss her very much. I think you need to tell her you are giving her space because that's what she asked for. Tell her you want the relationship to work and think she should figure things out for herself and then get back to you when she has a definite answer on things. Don't let this become an emotional rollercoaster, resolve it, and I think this is the best way to do that. Do i just leave her alone or check up on her? Will it take my absense for her to realize? Or will it take me still being there for her even though shes hurting me? Leave her alone. I think absense is the best thing here in the long run. Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Share Posted February 21, 2006 Thank you for your help. I am going to go out of contact until Friday. I think if she was done she wouldnt be saying she needed time off shed be saying shes straight out done. But should i still let her know every night that i love her? Thank you so much for your help it is really giving me a positive outlook on this. And i hope we will be stronger than ever. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 But should i still let her know every night that i love her? Nope. Disappear. Vanish. Let things happen without your intervention. That way, you will know you alone are not keeping the relationship together... And why Friday? I say at least give her through the weekend to live without you...see what happens... Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Share Posted February 21, 2006 She said she wanted to do this Friday. Because it woudl give her the week to think. But she said that she does not plan on working it out at the moment but will be honest which i think we need. also where should we do this? She said not at dinner because she doesnt want to cry in public and not at home because she thinks well just get intimate and it further frustrate things. I trust in her i just feel like if i make one mistake ill lose her. She said though that in person she knows she would want to get back together and that wouldnt be fair down the road. So she still has feelings but is trying to make it seem liek shes 100% sure she doesnt want a relationship?? and do i answer my phoe if she calls? Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 She said she wanted to do this Friday. Because it woudl give her the week to think. But she said that she does not plan on working it out at the moment but will be honest which i think we need. also where should we do this? She said not at dinner because she doesnt want to cry in public and not at home because she thinks well just get intimate and it further frustrate things. I trust in her i just feel like if i make one mistake ill lose her. She said though that in person she knows she would want to get back together and that wouldnt be fair down the road. So she still has feelings but is trying to make it seem liek shes 100% sure she doesnt want a relationship?? and do i answer my phoe if she calls? Well, first, don't leave it up to the confused person to call the shots here! You tell her what you'd like to do. Show a little initiative, take charge... Just say you want the weekend to think. She is not the only one thinking here and make that known! You might decide she is just too messed up and walk away. Tell her this. Tell her you have some issues to weigh here too...tell her this is time away for you too! As for where to meet, I'd say figure that out later. If you make one mistake and ends, the relationship wasn't on solid ground anyway...it wasn't meant to be...so don't worry about that...just use your best judgment...one mistake won't ruin a good relationship... Answer the phone once if she calls, tell her you need space too, ask her to respect that space, and you won't answer it again...same for email, text message, etc. I don't know man, the more you tell me here, the crazier she sounds... Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Share Posted February 21, 2006 She grew up with her mom always fighting with her step dad and never a happy place at home. she isnt crazy she just doenst react well to things she has to face and that goes for everything.We have somethign special and every one that has seen us alway scomments on how much of a bond we share. I truly believe shes the one for me and this is just a test for us to see how strong we actually are. Im not gonna call or text her for the rest of the week so she realizes what shes losing. Because now she wants both worlds. She doesnt want the pressure of a relationshio. But she wants me there for her and her for me. Doesnt work that way. and i dont think she can handle not having the connection when shes down. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 She grew up with her mom always fighting with her step dad and never a happy place at home. she isnt crazy she just doenst react well to things she has to face and that goes for everything.We have somethign special and every one that has seen us alway scomments on how much of a bond we share. I truly believe shes the one for me and this is just a test for us to see how strong we actually are. Im not gonna call or text her for the rest of the week so she realizes what shes losing. Because now she wants both worlds. She doesnt want the pressure of a relationshio. But she wants me there for her and her for me. Doesnt work that way. and i dont think she can handle not having the connection when shes down. Well, it sounds like you've got things figured out for the most part. Way to be! Just trust your best judgment and hopefully something I told you will help you out... Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Share Posted February 21, 2006 Greatly appreciate everything you have shared. It has been extremely helpfull and was why i came to this site. Thank you any other advice is always appreciated. Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Share Posted February 22, 2006 Grows harder and harder i just want to see her in person.If i saw her in person everything woudl change and we could work it out. God this hurts so much because i know we will work out. Just dont like how i have to sit through pain before it does. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Grows harder and harder i just want to see her in person.If i saw her in person everything woudl change and we could work it out. God this hurts so much because i know we will work out. Just dont like how i have to sit through pain before it does. You know, I've been in a few relationships where when we were physcially together, we just couldn't let each other go. But apart, it was as if we weren't together... This time away will serve your relationship in the long run...believe that...taking away all the confusing emotions and just both of you wallowing and thinking will stay with you both for a long time... Keep believing... Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Share Posted February 22, 2006 How long do you think it will take her to realize. I can wait for a long time as long as she is considering it a break you know but should i try to see other girls or will that mess things up. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 How long do you think it will take her to realize. I can wait for a long time as long as she is considering it a break you know but should i try to see other girls or will that mess things up. If you want things to work with this girl, I would say not to see other women. Just take this time to spend time with yourself, touch base with friends, think about the relationship, what happened, what can be done better. Try to keep your mind occupied. If you do meet someone else and/or decide to walk away, make sure you let this girl know before you do that... Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Share Posted February 22, 2006 She tells a mutual friend of ours that she misses me. And that its hard so the mroe she misses me the more she will be willing to work things out? If she was done this wouldnt be hard and she wouldnt be missing me right? Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 She tells a mutual friend of ours that she misses me. And that its hard so the mroe she misses me the more she will be willing to work things out? If she was done this wouldnt be hard and she wouldnt be missing me right? I'd let this sit a while. Missing someone is normal even if you don't belong together. Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Share Posted February 22, 2006 Its so hard not to call her. Because i still have the connection that we are still together. Should i be thining we are not? should i be focusing on getting over her or bettering myself for her. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Its so hard not to call her. Because i still have the connection that we are still together. Should i be thining we are not? should i be focusing on getting over her or bettering myself for her. It will be very hard. Don't think it is over. Think of it as time away from each other to figure things out. Again, she wanted this so give her the space. I bet she misses you a lot too, but let her act first. Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Share Posted February 22, 2006 yah those were her words. " we need time apart so we can find who we are alone" its hard not calling because i just want to tell her so much. And i just want her to call so i can hear her message. But she hasnt. if she doesnt call should i call her Friday about the time//place. or wait for her to call me for it. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 yah those were her words. " we need time apart so we can find who we are alone" its hard not calling because i just want to tell her so much. And i just want her to call so i can hear her message. But she hasnt. if she doesnt call should i call her Friday about the time//place. or wait for her to call me for it. Call her Monday. Just tell her you were thinking about her and wanted to say hello... Then after that leave it up to her to act... Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 23, 2006 Author Share Posted February 23, 2006 Ok so i changed my outlook on this. She has told a mutual friend she is done as of now. And honestly looking over the past few months i was too. Just too stubborn to admit it. I really love her and think we are meant to be. But now in our current state. she was 14 and i was 15 now im 19 she is 18 we have changed. And i think we need to find ourselves again before we can work it out in the future. I believe if i let her go it would make her realize that i respect her descision and come back in the future. Only question i have about what im saying is that. Do i treat this like a breakup? Or do i just patiently wait for her while keeping myself busy. I knwo we are meant to be and if we are we will work out in the end. Link to comment
friscodj Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 aving- You sound like you understand the situation here. At 30, I am like 2-3 different people removed from the person I was at 18 or 19. You both will probably be too. If she says she's done for now, if it were me, I'd get a hold of her right away and ask her if she is done. See what she says to you about that, and treat the situation as such. You need to start taking charge here my friend. Don't leave your happiness up to her at any rate. If she says she's done, walk away and start moving on. Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 23, 2006 Author Share Posted February 23, 2006 We have changed. And i think if we have a chance we need time apart. as hard as this seems i think its vital.And i know that saying if you love her let her go. and i think well if its emant to be shell come back if it isnt well end up close in the long run Link to comment
aving21 Posted February 23, 2006 Author Share Posted February 23, 2006 Just a question to add. Our first time was magic it was both our first and it was amazing. When you move on do you even get anything similar to that at an intimate level? Link to comment
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