how do you let go?

[alonegirl]

have been coming to this website off and on for almost a year now, I am doing better but really I don't think I am. (if that makes any sese) I still haven't let go of him and that scares me, I don't know how to let go. W did complete NC for almost 7 months or so we have only been in contact a couple of times in the last two months or so (nothing big) so it's not like he's been in my life this whole time. I just really feel that deep down inside I'm not moving on and I'm not letting go. I went back to school, I made all new friends, I go out, I got my own apartment all kinds of stuff but it never feels like I am doing anything to get over this. I hardly meet guys but when I do none of them compare to him, when I met him I felt a strong connection to him immediately and we instantly had that chemistry and I keep expecting that with other guys that I meet so when it doesn't happen I get upset. I can't even find guys im interested in. I think about him all the time. I have zero desire to go out with anyone and I don't think it's because I'm waiting for him to come back but at the same time I think part of me is waiting for that. That would be my heart because my head knows better.

 

I was talking to someone the other day who had just broken up with his fiancee and he was telling me that he's not really sure he was ever in love with her because if he was in love with her would he really have fallen out of love with her, if he really really was in love with her why would he fall out of love? And it really got me thinking because I swear almost a year later and I am still in love with him, I just feel that we really were meant to be together and obviously we weren't because if we were we would be but I think part of me is waiting for us to find our way back to eachother. And I don't know why I am thinking that.

 

Even if I do go out with someone I think about him the entire time, I hate this feeling .He was acting like he wants to be friends with me and I can't do that but now he's pulled away again I think he felt that I was pulling really far away from him so he dragged me back and then left again. I went out last night and by the end of the evening I was so sad because it just makes me miss him more, I have never been good with going out and I just kept thinking how much fun we used to have hanging out with our friends, now I have new friends and am trying new places and I hate it, I want my old life back. I see a counselor and she tells me it's normal that I went through a major shock but I just feel like I am at a standstill in my life I just don't know how to let go, i don't want to let go I'm too scared, I'm just so scared to let go, does anyone have any advice?

[Dako]

Did you ever have a bad moment with him? He ever say something that stung? Hang on to that thought.

I finally let go by thinking of her faults, and how she did things that hurt, embarrassed or angered me. Little things that love glossed over began to grow in importance, to where I threw pictures and things into the trash.

I wasn't really angry at her, just channeling all that misery at something about her so I could let go of this perfect woman. Since then, she sits on a much lower pedestal, and I feel better.

[keenan]

Did you ever have a bad moment with him? He ever say something that stung? Hang on to that thought.

I finally let go by thinking of her faults, and how she did things that hurt, embarrassed or angered me. Little things that love glossed over began to grow in importance, to where I threw pictures and things into the trash.

I wasn't really angry at her, just channeling all that misery at something about her so I could let go of this perfect woman. Since then, she sits on a much lower pedestal, and I feel better.

 

Bleh. I try this (and it works), but I hate it. I feel like I'm tarnishing something that was really beautiful so that it has less power over me--essentially distorting or destroying my own memories so that I can move forward. Highlighting the negatives so that there's less contrast with the positives is really effective...but it throws off the natural balance that really existed (in my mind) in my life for so long. I wish there was a way to let go without ruining the past.

[Dako]

K,

I really agree completely, but when you're hurting, a little collateral damage is worth the gain. I felt ashamed of doing something so uncharacteristic out of weakness, but it still got me out of a deep hole that day.

Some can collector at the beach probably got a nice pile of watches, a Goretex jacket and a fancy Dupont pen.

[Rivpt]

i'm in the same boat, been about a year for me as well...except i fell into the trap of letting her back into my life and getting hurt yet again. i still compare girls to her everytime i go out, and when i'm at bars, etc. i find myself still wondering what she is doing at that moment. it sucks. i feel trapped and it hasn't gotten any better for me either, i'm just not sure what else to try...cause i've tried it all.

[locolady]

Oh dear me too. Im at the 7 month stage and feel the same as you guys. I cant even imagine being with anyone else - i alternately long to kiss him and smack him in the face! I miss him so much despite trying hard to go out with friends etc.

 

Can anyone help us?

[The Mask]

Welcome tho the club....Only for me,we're in contact...Because i just can let go of our friendship that easy...Tryed Nc 2 times...Just couldnt let go...But it's been a year,in April it would be an year of missery,pain,despair and agony for me...

[Dako]

I know it sounds like I'm on a high horse about it, but it does help to make an effort to put the ex in their place by rejecting some part of them you don't like. It's healthier to carve up a photo or neglect a phone call than to drool on your pillow in a fetal position as I often do.

 

You can't change the past but you can reject some memory of it. The most painful memory I have is the minute she said, "I'm not happy anymore." I would sob whenever that cycled through my head.

Forced myself to repeat that in a mocking tone in until it meant nothing to me.Took two days.

 

Even though I'm friends with the ex, we still have silent spells when we each need it, and we're very gentle with each other. If you have tension, NC is probably better for your recovery.

[Mavh25]

yeah think of why you broke up

[Mavh25]

there really is no cure,

[Nathalie1970]

I suggest making a list of all the wrong things the ex said or did and everytime you feel the need to call or miss that person read the list out loud. Think of how you felt when that person did these things to you. (and definitely get rid of any mementoes or pics of the ex, you don't have to throw them away but at least box them up and put them out of sight)

 

I still hurt, even knowing the ex bf mistreated me, I tend to forget all the bad things he would call me or do to me, so there is no quick cure but remembering the bad things should help.

[metalheart]

Hi everyone here..

 

I've Passed reading this thread and wanted add mine's experiencies...

 

Taking Dako's point:

 

The most painful memory I have is the minute she said, "I'm not happy anymore." I would sob whenever that cycled through my head.

 

To me, was many painful phrases she said.. Lets see..

 

"I feel drowned, trapped"

"It's not you, its me"

"I need time to myself"

"I have to learn to love myself"

"Things didn't working since the last one year and half"

"It just happened"

"There's someone in my life and it none of your business"

"I don't wanna see you anymore"

"Im a busy person"

 

NOTE: The first 3 phrases at the moment of the breakup, the followings, at the moment of my last try to getting back.. every time i remind that moment, its like being stabbed with a knife in different parts of my whole soul at the same time..

 

About Keenan's post..

 

Highlighting the negatives so that there's less contrast with the positives is really effective...but it throws off the natural balance that really existed (in my mind) in my life for so long. I wish there was a way to let go without ruining the past.

 

Definetly feel the same as you

 

Thinking about that weakness/ sadness/ hopeless / loneliness/ frustration feelings, i've just remembered this song that really express (at least for me) the way how i feel all this...

 

Trapped Under Ice - Metallica

 

Woken up, I'm still locked in this shell

Frozen soul, frozen down to the core

Break the ice, I can't take anymore

 

Freezing

Can't move at all

Screaming

Can't hear my call

I am dying to live

Cry out

I'm trapped under the ice

 

 

Alonegirl.. you don't know how I wish had the answer to your question

 

Good Luck to Everyone

[keenan]

To me, was many painful phrases she said.. Lets see..

 

"I feel drowned, trapped"

"It's not you, its me"

"I need time to myself"

"I have to learn to love myself"

"Things didn't working since the last one year and half"

"It just happened"

"There's someone in my life and it none of your business"

"I don't wanna see you anymore"

"Im a busy person"

 

 

 

Sheesh. Somebody should take a poll of most commonly used break-up phrases. If I ever hear "It's not you, it's me" again in my life I think I'll spontaneously combust. Hearing "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" will cause me to combust AND move towards the perpetrator, so as to encompass him in my ball of fire. Sorry to be violent. I'm not actually advocating combustion revenge. I just think it's amazing how common these phrases are, and how all dumpees seem to generate them on their own (unless they all secretly have copies of a Dummies guide to breaking up??). LOL.

[alonegirl]

Thank you all so much for your helpful replies. It really helps to know that I am not alone in all this. I am just finding this so hard, I thought almost a year later I would be a little better than this. It's just so unfair that his life just goes on as normal and mine went into shambles, his life is the exact same just with a different girl, I had to move out of my house, get new friends, move in by myself, all sort of things that I thought would make me stronger but I really don't think it has. I just can't believe that almost a year later I have only gone on one date and he was been with someone this whole time. It's just not fair I deserve to be happy too, and I'm trying to change my attitude and have a different persepective but it's just so hard, to deal with all this over and over again. I think about him all the time and I just hate it. I just want to move away and I know that wouldn't do anything for me but maybe being far away will make it easier, I don't know what to do I know I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I hate him for what he did to me, I just wish I could stay with this feeling, I have tried to only think of negative things but it's really hard because you start thinking of that but then you say to yourself well it wasn't all that bad and then you start thinkgin of the good times. Aggg!! I just wish I could shut my mind off.

[stolenshadow]

It's going to be difficult for you to feel better until you do let go of him. You say it's unfair he went on with his life and you didn't, but that only depends on you, you must stop looking and how he is doing because it's not about him, it's only about you.

You are surely a stronger person as a result of the things you had to deal with and there's still things to be done, but be happy for what you have done, don't put yourself down for what you haven't.

 

Hating him won't help you either, that's another way of giving him your time and thoughts, your energy, you need those to get better.

 

You think his flaws weren't that bad because you don't want to be honest with yourself, you have to break those cycles, nobody is perfect.

 

It's good you realize you deserve to be happy, now you have to work on it, don't go over the same things again, there's no point, imagine you bought a nice car, the thing broke in the middle of the desert, it won't work ever again, and nothing will come out if you stay next to it day after day, you'll only get thirsty and sad and frustrated, you just have to accept that it's broken, it's gone, but the sooner you do it the sooner you can walk to another place and get a new one.

 

As I have said many times in this forum, it took me 4 years to move on because subconsciously I held on to different things, all I got in return was wasting my time, nobody else's, and all you have to do is pretend he is dead, do a funeral if you think it can help you and walk away.

[Nathalie1970]

Stolenshadow,

 

Good analogy, the car in the desert, I had never thought of it that way. I have done NC for the past week and some days are harder than others, but I totally agree on moving on. Mourn the relationship, then move on.

 

Thank you for great insight.

 

ps. I need to add that I had been clinging to hope and LC 6 weeks prior.

[stolenshadow]

Stolenshadow,

 

Good analogy, the car in the desert, I had never thought of it that way. I have done NC for the past week and some days are harder than others, but I totally agree on moving on. Mourn the relationship, then move on.

 

Glad to be of help

[SilverCloud]

Sheesh. Somebody should take a poll of most commonly used break-up phrases. If I ever hear "It's not you, it's me" again in my life I think I'll spontaneously combust. Hearing "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" will cause me to combust AND move towards the perpetrator, so as to encompass him in my ball of fire. Sorry to be violent. I'm not actually advocating combustion revenge. I just think it's amazing how common these phrases are, and how all dumpees seem to generate them on their own (unless they all secretly have copies of a Dummies guide to breaking up??). LOL.

 

Yes i got the line "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" from the guy who was the first one to say 'I love you'.. what does this line mean anyway? Am i being clueless? how can you love someone and also divide it into two forms... in love and love you?

 

And also after saying this my ex had accepted me back twice too... does it make sense? if it does please feel free to tell me cause i am to this day confused... there has to be something wrong with me to not simply get it..

[Diggitydave]

You are definitely not alone in all of this. I feel the same pain, the questions, the what ifs, the but maybes, the sorrow. I am a 27 year old man, and I cry every day, multiple times, because I want my baby back and I just want to make things right and I can't. The ONLY way to make things right is to take what you have learned and SERIOUSLY apply it to the next person. There will be someone else, when you make yourself whole and shine from within, people will be drawn to you. I am working on it too, so again, i'm right there with you.

 

 

David

[keenan]

Yes i got the line "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" from the guy who was the first one to say 'I love you'.. what does this line mean anyway? Am i being clueless? how can you love someone and also divide it into two forms... in love and love you?

 

I think it means that I care for you deeply as a friend and a person who has shared my life with me for a long while, but I no longer wanna rip your clothes off every night, wake up next to you every morning, and listen to your long and boring (yet insightful) ruminations about life every Saturday afternoon. Nor do I any longer want to grocery shop by your side, urge you to walk more slowly when we go for evening walks, suffer through art museums in silence, or ask you, for the thousandth time, if your black wool sweater can go in the dryer (No, it can't.). But rest assured I'll think of you fondly five years from now when I'm with my new and more exciting partner, and I may sometimes have twinges of regret. But probably not.

 

My pragmatic interp. ;-D

[SilverCloud]

ouch!!!! that is far more hurtful then "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you". Why does this person even 'I care for you deeply'... i would rather that they said i just needed to get laid and you seemed like a good option but now i know all your tricks, soo need a change

[keenan]

ouch!!!! that is far more hurtful then "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you". Why does this person even 'I care for you deeply'... i would rather that they said i just needed to get laid and you seemed like a good option but now i know all your tricks, soo need a change

 

Sigh. I guess it depends on the length, depth, and breadth of the relationship. It all stinks, though.

[Rivpt]

i have to admit it is a little comforting to know that i'm not the only person in the world who has lived in this situation for over a year. i'm the same way as some of you guys, i try to think of the things that made me angry or upset that she did...and it works for a short period of time...but then the good things pop back into my head as well. she was the longest relationship i ever had and it's scary to have to start over...although i'm sure she's doing a heck of a job. i just don't meet people everywhere i go...haven't had many serious gf's to this point in my life, and it's scary trying to start over when you're out of college. and nothing makes it harder than the fact that she still contacts me with random text messages even after i told her i didn't want to talk to her anymore b/c i can't take it and i was driving myself crazy and i already lost one year off of my life worrying about her and i wasn't about to lose another one.