can't stop crying...how to heal?

[jjlb78]

This is a repost from the breakup forum, I had a 6 month relationship with a Venezuelan who moved home 3 weeks ago, he told be before he left he wanted to try long distance and that he loved me so much and that he couldn't wait to introduce me to his family. He called after he got there and told me the same things...and then waited 2 weeks to call again. Two days ago we had the following convo and now I really need advice how to move on...

 

Well, he called again and was being so distant and strange. We spend half an hour talking about his life back in Venezuela...he sounds great.

 

I told him I was leaving town for the weekend for an important work event and that it was strange not having someone to say goodbye to...I travel a lot for work. This was met by...silence.

 

I then told him that I was confused and upset by his behavior. He told me that he never got the gift I got him for Christmas (an expensive magazine subscription) "but that's ok". I'm like, hello--it is not okay with me. I spent weeks trying to think of what to get you and it cost me a pretty penny and I want him to have it.

 

I asked him why he told me he loved me and that he wanted to have a long distance thing and that he wanted me to visit him if he wasn't going to follow through. This was met by a long story about how he meant it at the time and he does love me but he just doesn't see how it can work.

 

I said, if you loved me you wouldn't be saying this. So you are either lying now or you were lying then. He said he didn't lie, he said what he felt in the moment but that he doesn't think he loves me now because he doesn't miss me.

 

I said, naturally, you are very busy reacclimating to your country that you haven't seen for years, reconnecting with old friends, getting your life going and that he should really consider whether what he is feeling now is reactionary or the actual truth. He then said "I don't love you".

 

I started crying and I said, I love you and I want to be with you and I don't understand what changed...he told me that he thought I needed to find someone of my own culture. I think this has a lot to do with family influence. But he is also right, he and I are very different. I guess that is what I like about being with him the most.

 

He told me he needs to wrap all of his New York experiences up and forget them and move on with his life. I said, I am not New York, I am not your old life, I am a person. Think about what you are saying...

 

He told me he didn't want to hurt me. I said, well, if you didn't want to hurt me you wouldn't do this. I accept what you say, I think you are wrong, I want to make a go of it. But if this is how you have to deal with moving on with your life I cannot talk to you anymore. Not as a friend or the occasional check-in. It is too hard.

 

He then told me I was being unfair and he needed me in his life as a friend.

 

I said, please, for my sake, never call me again unless you feel you want to work on a relationship. Please don't. I can't take it.

 

I know this was impulsive but I think I made the right move. I just don't understand how someone's feelings can change so rapidly. And how he can have forgotten all the good things about us as a couple already and hurt me like this. And then ask for friendship? I want him back so badly. But I can't have a conversation where he tells me he doesn't love me again. To me, when you way those words in the first place (the I love yous), it doesn't just go away so quickly. And if I tell someone I am going to nurture a relationship and have them meet my whole family. Well, I certainly give it a try before throwing in the towel.

 

How do I move on. How do I stop hoping. I know I am better off without someone who can't give me what I need. But I want him back so badly I could scream.

[dontknowwhattodo]

I was in his shoes. I love my guy and am in love with him, even now. I did what your guy did, set him free for the same reason your guy gave you. I didn't see the end of the relationship. I didn't see myself moving back to his town and it was better to let go. I am sorry I cannot give you any advice. I know it's hard and I really feel for you.

[KissMe_KillMe]

cry as much as you can...

honestly.. when im depressed i put on sad music and cry as much as i can for as long as i can.. it helps me.

[Unchained_melody]

Hi there,

 

I just want to say that 6 months ago, I was exactly like this, crying, sobbing and thinking the world ended when my boyfriend broke up with me.

 

Now I broke up with him for other reasons but we still love eachother very very much. You will understand why I broke up with him if you read my thread it's in 'Relationship Conficts' area and the thread is called 'love is not enough'.

 

It hurts alot i know how you are feeling, but trust me one day you will wake up and think to yourself he wasn't worth it. Your heart will get sick of being hurt and trust me it will put up its defenses long enough and it will become stronger.

It's happened to me and it is still happenning. I can't say I am the strongest, but instead I can say that I have grown stronger and still growing.

 

Now about this guy.

I wouldn't believe anything he says to you because you are not there with him. I think this guy loves you but he can't say it because he doesn't feel like he is worth your love and attention.

When he decided to come back to his home country, i think he already made up his mind about you and him. I think he has been hurt by either you or what you may have said in an argument or something has made him feel less of a man in New York.

Something that has made him feel insecure and confused in his identity. He has come back to his home country because he wants to re-unite with something, either himself, a relative or someone else.

 

Men often feel like they dont' deserve to have you when they are, unemployed, losing confidence, very very sick, having lots and lots of problems.

Who knows? He could have lots and lots of problems and he didn't want to bother you with it.

 

Why I think he still loves you? is that he wants to stay friends with you, and he NEEDS YOU IN HIS LIFE as a friend means he loves you to bits but he has other problems to handle right now and he wants you to find a better guy because he feels like he isn't a guy who deserves someone as wonderful as you.

 

When he said 'he doesn't love you', that is rubbish. He does not love himself or feel like you really need someone like him.

 

Staying friends with you, means that he can still talk to you and see how you are doing, if you are safe? if you are generally ok? or if you have another guy? and who is this guy and how does he treat you?

 

When you finally meet another guy you are interested in, Tell him about this new guy, and you will see how a man's reaction suddenly changes.

 

It's happened to me before that's why. If a man is inlove with you, he will only leave you because he doesn't feel he is good enough. It's a sad world for men because if they don't feel successful or confident enough, most of them put themselves down and walk on egg shells when it comes to relationships.

 

Remember I am only assuming this guy that dumped you is like that, Unless he is just an immature pig, already married, or is gay.

[Relationship Coach]

jjlb,

 

I'm sorry for your pain, it is never easy to hear "I don't love you" from someone who you gave your soul to. He probably mistook his infatuation for love and when he moved home, the deep seeded feelings just were not there. I don't think he did this intentionally but sometimes being apart is a real good test of feelings. If you want to define your love for someone, go away. Missing someone versus looking forward to seeing them again is a clear indication.

 

The best thing for you to do is to go NC. You do not need to hear those painful words again and your paths have split in to different directions. My grandfather told me years ago, "Don't find someone you can live with, find someone you can't live without."

 

RC

[luvagain]

"I just don't understand how someone's feelings can change so rapidly. And how he can have forgotten all the good things about us as a couple already and hurt me like this. And then ask for friendship? I want him back so badly. But I can't have a conversation where he tells me he doesn't love me again. To me, when you way those words in the first place (the I love yous), it doesn't just go away so quickly."

 

jjlb78,

 

I know exactly how you feel. I quoted you again because that's how my now ex is. She did a 180 on me unexpectedly and expects us t be best friends. I personally don't just throw "I loves you's" left and right. To me I love yous mean a lot. When she broke up with me she told me she loved me and that she will always love and that I would always be the love of her life. She said this for weeks (over emails never on the phone) after the break up and then it all stopped. Now I feel that everything she said was BS.

 

We dated for seven yeas and she broke it off in october. I still cry at night but I believe it's part of the healing process. I still love her but there is nothing I can do about it.

 

Just le it out, cry, yell, scream. Do whatever it takes to get himout of your mind. It will be hard getting him out but you must try.

 

I have come to realize this:

 

Go out and have fun to try to keep her off my mind. I force yourself to go out and meet new people. Surround myself with people who make me laugh and care about me. Explore my options AND if time keeps passing and I simply do no see any improvement whatsoever, then I've got to follow my heart...love is not fleeting, so if my lovef or her stays strong through all my effort in improvement, then maybe I'm trying to do the impossible and make my heart erase true love.

 

It has been 4 months and I still feel the same feelings for her. I have been tring so hard and I see very little improvement. I truly believe she was placed on this earth for me but apparently she doesn't hink that anymore. SO, I am doomed to love her for the rest of my life until my dying day.

 

You will be okay. You will get through this and you will be a stronger and better person for it.

[healinginnyc81]

jjlb, I'm so sorry for how much you're hurting right now. It's really tough when someone doesn't return your love. It's okay to cry it out until you're out of tears. This guy has made a decision and the only thing you can do now is to accept that he's gone. Please use these forums freely to post and vent and let out your feelings. Most of us here have been through tough breakups and we all understand how devastating it can be. But you will have to struggle with the pain for a while until it gets better. For now just try to take care of yourself as well as possible and surround yourself with family or friends that will understand what you're going through - that includes us here at enotalone.

[jjlb78]

not to call me again unless he can be less cold-hearted and more caring?

 

I hate to be someone who gives ultimatums, it is really not my style, but as I said, I cannot bear another emotionally-distant, "him" centered conversation.

 

Of course I want to hear all about his life and how he is doing but he is so one-sided right now.

 

The culture comment felt like a hit below the belt, * * * *, he knew I wasn't Hispanic when he started dating me and told me he loved me, so what am I supposed to do? I can't change my ethnicity...

 

I truly, firmly, strongly believe that he and I had a good foundation for a relationship and that he did/probably does love me.

 

But he is someone with significant self-esteem issues and repeatedly told me I deserved someone better than him throughout the whole relationship.

 

I want him back. But not unless he can "man up"...so I must say, I don't want to talk to him unless he wants to be with me and has a change of heart/mind.

 

It is just scary to put that out there...

 

And in the meantime, how to move on?

[metalheart]

I'll tell you some tips that i've founded in many threads,self-help websites and books that also i'm aplying to myself since my breakup..

 

First Phase Steps:

 

-Give yourself a time to think about him all what you want.. Until your mind just get tired to do it!

-Avoid any conversation/contact with your Ex even more if your feelings aren't under control when you're talking/ seeing to him. (NO CONTACT)

-If you're a religious person, try to go the church and pray.

-Talk about your feelings with someone who you can trust ..

-Try to get differents insights and points of view of your situation

-Read some books to improve your emotional/relationships/sexual/dating skills. It will make you a better person in a overall way.

-Give yourself time to scream.. to cry.. and get angry..

-After to do that, find any "healthy way" to take out this feelings

( That means without hurt yourself or anyone else..)

-Do some exercise

 

Second Phase Steps:

 

-Delete ALL the messages/emails/photos/gifts and reminders of your relationship, or save it into a box... VERY HIDDEN from yourself and FAR away of your sight.

-Try to do things that you wished to do before you know him..

-Try to do new friendships..

-Find new hobbies..

-Whatever you do, Keep doing exercise...

-NO CONTACT..

-If you're feeling like you want talk or see him.. try to think yourself in another thing. Just put this BEHIND YOU..

-Vent all your thoughts and feelings posting here.

 

AND until you find happy with your own life try to FORGET any kind of committed Relationship.. improve yourself!!

 

NOTE: I'M NOT AN EXPERT COUNSELOR, I JUST HOPE YOU FIND THESE RECOMENDATIONS USEFUL TO GET YOUR OWN WAY BACK AGAIN..

 

My Best Wishes (From another Venzuelan guy )to you .. and Good Luck

[Relationship Coach]

I think you told him what he needed to hear and what you needed to express. You need to heal and get past this pain and NC is the best way to start that healing process. Don't beat yourself up, he is making excuses and is not man enough to tell you what is really going on here. This whole cultural line never came in to play while he was in the states, why now? My guess is he has met someone and can't tell you.

 

RC

[metalheart]

This whole cultural line never came in to play while he was in the states, why now? My guess is he has met someone and can't tell you.

 

I agree 100% the Relationship Coach post..

 

For me, its a silly excuse, just to hide the true reasons that led to breakup with you.

 

Don't let you down for this guy.. He doesn't worth a girl like you.

 

Take Care

[jjlb78]

well, of course it crossed my mind that he may have met someone else...but to think of that tears me up in a way i can't even explain.

 

there is nothing else i can do, i just wish i understood how his feelings could have changed so quickly. being the one left in the environment where we were together, i can't fathom it. also, i am sure were the situation reversed he would be the "me" in this situation.

 

i don't know how to move on, although i know i need to.

[metalheart]

I know you're hurt..

 

Don't wanna be rude with you but,

 

the best advice that i can give you its this:

 

Try to imagine the worst situation about your ex bf... (that means being with another girl, kissing, intimating, etc) It may be make you cry a lot the first times that you even think about the idea.. BUT.. Think and repeat to yourself this: Far away from all that.. What else could happen? It wasn't my fault, i give him all my love and, THATS WHAT I WILL SUPOSSED TO RECEIVE!? SORRY, BUT ITS HIS LOSS!!

 

If by any Life's "chance" you just run into him walking on the street and look him doing that with someone, it won't hurt you so much as if you won't imagine it before.. cause your heart and your mind still aren't prepared for that shocking image that eventually will happen after a breakup.

 

Its like "Training your mind being prepared for the worst". Imagining this before it happens, you'll be more prepared and, at the same time, it makes you think about your own situation and the movin'.

 

TRY to do some of the things that i've posted above.. It has really worked for me, if it works for you, please let me know..

 

For now.. I 'll leave you this part of a song

 

"Don't Cry" of Guns n' Roses:

 

Don't you cry tonight

There's a heaven above you baby

And don't you cry tonight

 

Remember that. Take Care..

[jjlb78]

yeah, you're right...no more excuses for him. it is just hard for me to accept that him not wanting me doesn't mean that there is something WRONG with me.

 

i was very good to him and always treated him well, so i did all i can. that is what makes it harder to let go...and to not blame myself.