Do I have a right to expect this or not?

[strikeonbox]

I've asked my long-term boyfriend/partner/housemate and now husband to end his relationships with two former lovers, both of whom have expressed recent desires/intentions to be with him intimately. He initially agrees but then gets angry and says I am "controlling" him. I don't think that what I want is unreasonable. I woud and have done the same. Recently, one of them sent this instant message to him (although he intitiated it):

 

northernman_cdn (2/14/2006 3:53:23 PM): hey you

mkve (2/14/2006 3:55:01 PM): Hi

northernman_cdn (2/14/2006 3:55:09 PM): what's new?

mkve (2/14/2006 3:55:32 PM): Nothing much

northernman_cdn (2/14/2006 3:56:15 PM): well jeez, haven't talked to you in months and that's all you gotta say?

mkve (2/14/2006 3:58:38 PM): I sent u an email and told you most of what has been happening with me

northernman_cdn (2/14/2006 3:58:44 PM): when?

mkve (2/14/2006 3:59:13 PM): 2 weeks ago

northernman_cdn (2/14/2006 3:59:23 PM): hmm, i never got it

mkve (2/14/2006 4:00:29 PM): I live alone with the boys now and i was in an accident on a 95

northernman_cdn (2/14/2006 4:01:05 PM): a 95?

northernman_cdn (2/14/2006 4:01:08 PM): what's that?

northernman_cdn (2/14/2006 4:01:19 PM): can you send it to me again? the e-mail?

mkve (2/14/2006 4:01:59 PM): A oc transpo bus

northernman_cdn (2/14/2006 4:02:12 PM): are you ok?

northernman_cdn (2/14/2006 4:02:19 PM): what happened?

mkve (2/14/2006 4:05:25 PM): Messed up my right leg. Whem u told me u were in the states i had been trying to get ahold of u to see if wanted to take care of me for a bit lol

northernman_cdn (2/14/2006 4:05:51 PM): i think my wife would have a problem with that.

mkve (2/14/2006 4:06:59 PM): She wasnt your wife then lol

northernman_cdn (2/14/2006 4:07:06 PM): oh

northernman_cdn (2/14/2006 4:07:21 PM): well, how are you doing now?

mkve (2/14/2006 4:08:19 PM): Walking with a cane but better

northernman_cdn (2/14/2006 4:08:36 PM): when did this all happen?

mkve (2/14/2006 4:08:56 PM): Nov

northernman_cdn (2/14/2006 4:09:04 PM): so, where is Vic?

mkve (2/14/2006 3:42:23 PM): He lives with friends

 

I have a hard time with her asking him to come "take care of her" when she knew that we were living together and had been in a long term relationship for years (whether we were married or not). She is his former lover. I also think her response about how "I wasn't her wife then, lol" was inappropriate. And his response? "I think my wife would have a problem with that"? That makes it seem like he would, but his "jealous unreasonable wife" wouldn't allow it. And his response to her comment about our not being married then? "Oh." ???? What is that? Why couldn't he say that he's in relationship now and didn't think that would be appropriate, or that he loves me and wouldn't want to hurt me, or something like that? In the end, he asks about her husband (who she was married to and living with when they had their breif love affair), almost as if he's wondering if she's available. Am I reading into this? Do I have a right to be hurt? I have asked him to tell her in kind but no uncertain terms that he is married, committed, and not available to take care of her or anything else. He agreed, reluctantly, but is now angry at me for trying to "control" him. I feel he is holding onto her, for whatever reason. I'm at my wit's end. Please help!

[novaseeker]

He shouldn't have contact with people who want to have intimacy with him (virtual or in real life) if he is married. I think that's where the line has to be drawn in terms of relations with former lovers, etc. If the relationship doesnt have that aspect to it, then I don't see an issue, but if it does, then it's completely inappropriate and should be stopped by him.

 

I wouldn't make a big deal about parsing the words of that exchange and reading the tea leaves about it. Fact is she seems to be still interested in him in that way, and him continuing to speak with her is very inappropriate.

[Itsok]

Agreed. Totally inappropriate. If it bothers you so much (and it would me as well) he should cut contact with the women who are obviously interested in him.

[strikeonbox]

I don't care if he has female friends, just not ones that are interested in him romantically or sexually - and asking a former lover who is in a committed, long term relationship with another woman to "come take care of you for two weeks" seems to express an interest beyond friendship. He claims she was joking. I feel nauseated. If it was a joke, it was inappropriate. If it wasn't, to me it seems they both value the "possibility" of being with eachother more than they value our relationship/love/committment and marriage. I'm hurt, and he's angry. Please help.

 

Does it seem to you, objectively, that she's interested in him for more than friendship? And does it seem to you, objectively, that she respects our relationship and marriage?

[Itsok]

Of course she doesn't respect your relationship with your husband. She knew he was committed to you. What a jerk of a woman.

 

Your husband should know better. That is completely unacceptable, and you are being manipulated into thinking this is ok.

 

He has no right to be angry. He is married to you, and thus, he shouldn't be contacting other women online who are interested in him. You aren't being controlling, you are confronting an issue. How would he feel if you were speaking to men online who wanted you? Ask him that.

[strikeonbox]

I just don't know what to do. I have no desire to control him in the least. I just want to feel safe. I love him. What rights does that give me? I feel like I'm going crazy. He goes on and on about how I want to control him and how he can't bear that, but doesn't he see that this is tearing me up? I don't care if he has female friends, just not former lovers that want him to come stay with them or meet him for sex. He says all that matters is that HE would never do that. I say maintaining contact is like opening Pandora's box, and that my feelings and pain should matter more than whatever hurt feelings they might have over his ending his relationships with them. He constantly tells me how his relationships with them are nothing, and yet he won't give them up! How do I come accross as not trying to control him, but persuade him for all the right reasons to give these women up. If he wanted them, why is he with me? I've been hurt before, and this is like deja vu. We even went to a marriage counselor who said to him "why not just voluntarily give them up"? Then no one will be forcing you to do it. He is wonderful in so many ways, but he is hurting me like crazy with this. I don't think he knows how much this is hurting/frightening me. I love him. Why can't he understand? I don't know what to do!

[strikeonbox]

Could some MEN respond to this post, so he can see that it isn't just women who might agree with my point of view? And please reply even if you don't agree - I'm reasonable and willing to consider other positions. He thinks that women willl support eachother's viewpoints right or wrong? I know that's not true, as I've been called on things I've been wrong about by both women and men. I haven't slept all night.

[Dannysgirl]

You're not being 'controlling' in the slightest, he is talking out of his backside and trying to guilt trip you because he wants to continue his ego boosting communication with these women.

What he is doing is wrong and shows complete disregard for your feelings. I think its time to call him on this BS and tell him he is stop stop all communication with these women (why does he feel the pressing need to be 'friends' with these women anyway? Simple answer - ego boost and knowing he has other options if he wants them) because how would he feel if you were having conversations/contact of this sort with YOUR ex lovers? Would a request to stop that seem so unreasonable then?

Tell him to grow up and stop being so childish and selfish, YOU are his wife, your happiness should be paramount rather than the feelings of a pair of ho's he once knew.

[annie24]

Could some MEN respond to this post, so he can see that it isn't just women who might agree with my point of view? And please reply even if you don't agree - I'm reasonable and willing to consider other positions. He thinks that women willl support eachother's viewpoints right or wrong? I know that's not true, as I've been called on things I've been wrong about by both women and men. I haven't slept all night.

 

I'm pretty sure that Novaseeker is a man.

[Dannysgirl]

I just asked my husband what he thought and he is in full agreement with everyone here. He said that if I was having this kind of contact with my exes he would hit the roof - its just not what you do when you're married.

If these women 'mean nothing' then why not give them up? In mine and my husband's opinion there can be only three reason's why he's doing this..

1 Ego boost whenever he wants one.

2.Looking for some action with somebody other than you

3.Control (i.e he wants to maintain these relationships BECAUSE you don't want him to and nobody is going to tell him what to do)

 

If anybody is being 'controlling' around here its him. I just can't believe your husband who is supposedly the one person who cares about you more than anything would continue to do this knowing how much it hurts you, the words 'childish' and 'pathetic' spring to mind.

[NJRon]

Ok ok.. I'm a man, I think

 

What he is doing is wrong, not because of what it is necessarily (as there are different expectations in different relationships), but because he is not listening to you at all. You are stating your boundaries. You are not controlling his actions. He has every right to do what he pleases, just as you have every right to set appropriate boundaries for yourself. If he doesn't respect those boundaries (which is entirely within his control, to do so or to not), then he is not respecting you.

 

I would not state my boundaries in terms of "do this" or "don't do that". I would state them as "I expect XYZ behavior". Let him be in control of his own behavior and let him decide whether he respects your boundaries. You can't have a relationship with conflicting/disrespected boundaries between two people.

[Ash]

Also a guy here, and I seem to be the only one but I don't see this as all that terrible. There is no actual intimacy mentioned, we're all just implying that there is. How do we know? Sounds like she was on crutches for a while (because now she's just on a cane). Perhaps what she wanted was somebody to help her get the groceries because she's on her own.

 

Yep, I could be totally wrong and everybody else right on the money. Given that might be the case, what the original poster to do? The fact we're telling her that her husband is the controlling one is not actually telling her what to do about it.

 

Yeah, it gets really complicated when voices from the past crop up. And yes, in an ideal world it's far easier to go total non-contact when getting married or commited to another. But the world isn't ideal.

 

If he was after intimacy and that's why he doesn't want to break contact, that means there's a deeper seated issue here than a single MSN conversation.

 

I think you'll have to sit down and talk to him. If you haven't talked about this particular issue already, then I think you likely should do so. I know I'd feel some compassion for one who I'd loved (and almost by my way of defining love still would because some of us, once we truly love somebody never stop and that can be severely difficult for others to understand sometimes) and I'd have to find a way to shut off that feeling without hurting anybody.

 

Perhaps his failure then is in not making you feel like the most important and wonderful thing in his life. So another possibly course of action is for the both of you to think about, discuss and focus on making your relationship amazing, and try to diminish his past relationships so you can both put them firmly in the past.

 

I hope I don't come over as too harsh, just trying to perhaps present some slightly different viewpoints. Doesn't necessarily mean that I'm right.

[strikeonbox]

He admits that she continues to have a sexual interest in him and has attempted to begin a relationship with him while we were together, so I do not see this request to help her out by living with her for a few weeks as innocent. He claims that since HE would never cheat on me, and she lives far away, that there is no harm in continuing a friendship/relationship with a woman who wants a relationship with him. I say that continuing this relationship IS a form of cheating. As far as her, she was married to and living with her husband when they had a four week fling, and while that was happening she was also sleeping with other men, so she isn't exactly virtous. She dumped him after that. I do try to make our relationship amazing. The thing is, my husband likes to "take care of" people, and Kelly (this woman) likes to be taken care of. I don't mind (in fact I love and appreciate his efforts to take care of me) but I don't want that to be the entire context of our relationship. I don't know what he wants.

[annie24]

I guess I see where Ash is coming from....

 

However, strike and her husband have made vows to each other, and she's threatened (quite naturally) that his ex lover is still making flirtations towards her husband. I would feel that way too.

 

It's not like him and the ex work together, or have kids together, or some other circumstance that would make them need to stay on civil terms and in constant contact. I do think that this is crossing the line.

 

Why does he not want to cut off contact? For him, is it more important to have a better relationship with his wife, or with his ex-lover? You need to feel secure, and a very simple thing he can do is cut off contact with these women. I'm all for having friends of the opposite sex, but something here is a bit fishy....

 

Why is he willing to sacrifice your needs for this other woman's needs? Maybe talk to him again, explain how important it is for him not to talk to her is.

[PassionatePices]

Could some MEN respond to this post, so he can see that it isn't just women who might agree with my point of view? And please reply even if you don't agree - I'm reasonable and willing to consider other positions. He thinks that women willl support eachother's viewpoints right or wrong? I know that's not true, as I've been called on things I've been wrong about by both women and men. I haven't slept all night.

 

 

strikeonbox that is a NO NO IN ANYONE's Book!!

 

Very disrespectful to you.I'm sorry your going through this.

[annie24]

strikeonbox that is a NO NO IN ANYONE's Book!!

 

Very disrespectful to you.I'm sorry your going through this.

 

Ditto - if the situations were reversed, if a woman was talking to her ex-lovers, and her husband was upset by this, I would tell the husband that he has a right to be upset.

 

So, it's not a "woman sticking by a woman" thing - it's a respect for your partner thing.

[novaseeker]

I'm pretty sure that Novaseeker is a man.

 

Indeed!

[Scout]

Ok, I'm kind of with Ash on this situation. Honestly, when I read the text I was expecting it to be a whole lot worse based on the build-up before it.

 

I guess his ex said something mildly flirtatious with the "take care of me" remark, but the very first thing her husband replied with was a "don't even go there...i have a wife" kind of response.

 

Is the issue here that he's talking to ex lovers or what the actual conversation was?

 

I personally wouldn't be thrilled with my boyfriend talking to his exes, and I definitely don't advocate that people stay close friends with their exes...but at the same time, I don't see this text conversation as a betrayal or anything.

 

Hope you two can work it out before it turns into a bigger issue.

[NJRon]

I was just talking generally about boundaries and such. I think you two need to talk this out. Just like Scout says, if you read the transcript, I don't think there was anything over the top there. Then I got thinking.. why do you have a transcript? Doe she record all his conversations for you to look at? And if so, doesn't that mean that he has nothing to hide?

 

Personally, I don't think that one-sided friendships can work, at all. If an ex comes to me, when I am in a relationship, and she hasd feelings for me, I don't allow it. Likewise, I avoid situations where I may have feelings for someone else. For myself, I think that is just the mature thing to do.

 

I just think this is something you two need to *calmly* discuss. Not demand.

[annie24]

I see where you are coming from Scout, but she's his wife and this is making her upset. Shouldn't he put greater value on smoothing things over with his wife rather than talking to ex-lovers?

[Scout]

I see where you are coming from Scout, but she's his wife and this is making her upset. Shouldn't he put greater value on smoothing things over with his wife rather than talking to ex-lovers?

 

Of course. Like I said, I wouldn't be thrilled with the situation either. I just wanted to point out that I didn't think he was flirting with his ex and definitely headed her off when she attempted to flirt with him.

 

I've seen some other threads where posters put up transcripts of discussions their partner had with an ex and my jaw dropped, lol. This one was nothing compared to any of those...but I didn't intend to dismiss her feelings or anything. It's a touchy situation, that's for sure.

 

Hopefully they can talk this out and get all their feelings on the table to clear the air. Yes, I can see where her husband would feel some resentment that he's being told who he can and can't talk to. But if she honestly has some issues with him talking to exes, then she should have the right to frankly express that.

 

Point is, there may be no immediate answer for their problem, but if they keep up the communication about it instead of sweeping the issue under the rug, I bet they can work it out.

 

Maybe I should have said that to begin with.

[NJRon]

. Shouldn't he put greater value on smoothing things over with his wife rather than talking to ex-lovers?

 

I guess that's the biggy. I placed greater value on other htings than the relationship before. After the relationship self-destructed because of this... the dust settled and I looked back and realized those things were not that important after all. I was just stubborn because I though she wanted to change me... when all she wanted was for me to make her a priority. Like she had always been before.

[Scout]

NJRon, your comments really made me think. I've noticed in all my relationships - even the great one I'm in now - that whenever I expressed displeasure with something my partner was doing, it was construed as I wanted to change them.

 

What's the deal with you guys thinking that??

 

Because what happens is, I then get guilted out of ever bringing up anything I'm not happy about, and so the issue stays bottled up inside me and I'm simmering over it. Eventually, it comes out in another way that often has little to do with the real issue.

[NJRon]

What's the deal with you guys wanting to change us all the time??

 

Just joking. I think it's because I interpret a remark such as "I don't feel comfortable with you talking to an ex" and "You must stop talking to your ex... I will tell you who you are allowed to talk to" and not "I have a comfort level that has been exceeded, please recognize this and do what anyone would do if my feelings were a priority in your life"

 

Does that make sense? But then again.. I'm just one guy...

 

Edit: Men DO.. thereforeeee.. men associate ACTIONS with SELF... they ARE what they DO. If you tell them to change what they DO, you are telling them to change their SELF.

[Scout]

Well, how can/should we voice our criticisms, for lack of a better word? Me and women around the world anxiously wait for your response!