Am I making a mistake?

[confusedbc]

Well I've been dating this guy who I am madly in love with for about 6 weeks. I've known this guy for over 5 years and I've always told myself that this is the type of guy I'd like to be with one day.

 

I just got out of a long distance relationship about 6 weeks ago and I immediately started dating this new guy right away and it has been quite intense ever since then. I get to see this new guy almost every day because I work with him and he lives nearby.

 

This new guy isn't perfect, but something about him makes it just feel right. He's 29 and I'm 23, but he has 2 children with 2 different women and he has already been married and divorced once. None of that seems to matter to me though because he treats me great and makes me feel like the world. Sometimes though, I feel like I am his last resort and it makes me uneasy. He only lets me hang out with guys he knows because he says he doesn't trust other guys, but says he trusts me.

 

So he's leaving for the army in less than a week and we have been talking about getting engaged before he leaves. He's going to be gone for over a year and I know that will be really hard on me. Should we get engaged?Am I feeling love or infatuation? Please, any advice would be great.

[RayKay]

I would not suggest getting engaged to someone you have only known a few weeks. Sure there are some cases where it happens and it works out, but given your doubts, and recent breakup..I would suggest waiting and not getting engaged just because he is leaving. Part of that may be as he is leaving for the army, so it may also be a fear reaction to the situation he will be in, but also a way to "keep you" since he does seem to have some trust issues, but I really advise you wait.

 

I don't know, but I take engagement pretty seriously - it is a commitment to marriage, and it should be as both partners are SURE about it, and wanting that....

 

You have known him 5 years, but you still have yet to know him in terms of a "partner" and a romantic relationship.

 

Why don't you two plan on seeing how the next year goes, and get engaged upon his return?

 

If you truly are meant to be, and strong enough to be married, you will be able to do it in a year.

[WildChild]

I agree with RayKay. Although you have known him for over 5 years, you've only begun dating one another less than 2 months. Knowing someone and dating them are two different ballgames. He may really care about you and doesn't want to lose you hence the proposal of marriage, however he has indicated his trust issues with other men. Although he is leaving for a year, what is his reaction going to be if you are casually talking to another man with no other intentions outside of talking? If you did accept the engagement and decide 6 months down the road that it just isn't for you then you have a whole other issue. Why not suggest waiting on the engagement until after he returns so that you can enjoy the engagement together and not apart. This way you haven't committed yourself to something you are already questioning of it being too soon, and you can then see how your relationship really is once he returns not to mention how it is with him being gone all that time.

[meli]

You are still very young if you ask me. I once got this advice from someone older and applied it to my own life. You should date someone through all 4 seasons before you decide to marry ... that means date for at least a year before you decide to marry this guy. also, he seems to be on a path of having children with different women you dont want to be the next. If you want to know how someone is going to treat you look at how he has treated the women in his last relationships

[RandomAdvisor]

If you're really compatible for the long haul, what's the rush? You have plenty of time to marry him. I think you should at least wait until the "honey moon" period is over. One year at least.

[ShySoul]

In addition to what has been said about getting to know someone and being in a relationship with them for longer, there is also the recent breakup to consider. You went right from that relationship to another, no time to heal or be on your own. In my experience, there is usually unresolved issues from the first relationship that affects the new one. It may make the new relationship feel more ugent and deeper then it would otherwise be, because its like an escape from what happened in the old one. I'm not seeing this is entirely an escape and that you don't love each other. I just think that its something to consider and under the circumstances, another reason to wait before getting engaged. When I've seen someone rush into another relationship and even take it to marriage, it hasn't gone well.

 

You also expressed doubts in your posts. If you have doubts, thats reason to wait. When you do get engaged, those doubts shouldn't exist. You should be sure.

[confusedbc]

I do have doubts and my last relationship was a 2 year relationship, but why does this feel so right at the moment? My last boyfriend was very free with me, let me hang out with whoever I wanted and was the least jealous guy I've ever dated. It made me feel like he didn't care about me, even though he always told me that love has no jealousy. My new guy, like I said won't let me hang out with other guys he doesn't know because he says he cares about me. Which one is right?

[ShySoul]

I think the old boyfriend was right. Love includes trust. You are an individual and should have the right to choose who you are friends with. No one else should be making that decision for you. Getting jealous can in some ways be flattering. It can say that the person cares about you enough to want to protect you from who he sees as trouble. But there is a difference in protective and controlling. Protective, you tell the person when you are concerned about something and try to let them know you are worried and want their safety. Controlling, you tell the person what to do. The new boyfriend sounds on the controlling side. That's not good as his lack of trust in you will cause problems down the road. You'll probably grow to resent him for it.

 

I think it feels right because you were hurting from the breakup and he was there to help you through. That formed an emotional bond thats hard to break. And he probably is a great guy in a lot of ways. But its not wise to be rushing into anything. The relationship is still new, he has had problems with relationships in the past (2 kids with 2 different women), telling you who to be friends with - those are warning signs that he isn't as good as you want to think and that at the very least you should slow down.

[confusedbc]

One thing I'm really worried about is the fact that my new guy has had previous girlfriends cheat on him and I cheated on my ex boyfriend to be with him. Another concern I have is that when we first started talking, he stopped talking to me to be with his ex girlfriend, and when they didn't work out, he came back to me and we started to get more involved. I just feel pressured by my new boyfriend to get engaged and yeah it feels right, but I have my doubts. I don't want to lose him

[ShySoul]

I'm not usually so blunt, but...

 

Stay Away!

 

Your emotional feelings are clouding your judgment. Lets look at the facts.

 

1. You cheated on your boyfriend to be with him. Meaning the relationship wasn't founded on honesty, you had to lie to someone else and hurt him in order to be with this person.

 

2. He has been cheated on before. thereforeeee he is going to have trouble trusting. He knows that you cheated on your boyfriend, so he is going to wonder if you would do the same to him. Combine that with whats happened to him in the past, and there is little to no trust involved.

 

3. If he really trusts you, then why would he not let you be around other guys? He can not trust the other guys and expect them to make moves on you, but he should be able to trust you to turn them down.

 

4. He has 2 kids, from 2 different women. How is the relationship with these women? Are these the same ones who cheated on him? How is the relationship with the kids? Is there going to be some sort of competition between you and the women?

 

5. He put a relationship with you on hold to try to work things out with the ex. What's to say he won't do that again?

 

6. You have only been dating for 6 weeks and yet he is talking about getting engaged? Given all he has been through and all the issues he seems to have, what is the rush? Wouldn't it be best to have a stable relationship first and then later on talk about getting engaged? Getting engaged would seriously be rushing it when there are so many issues that just shout "danger."

 

I don't mean to seem so negative or put down your feelings for this guy. I just see you getting hurt from this, and I really don't want that to happen.

[RayKay]

I agree with Shy's post above....there are a lot of red flags here that really must not be ignored.

 

Don't rush into anything here.