so confused, angry, scared..but above all so very sad

[jmlondon]

Hi all, my first post - I hope i have placed it in a relevant area.

 

First some background - I am 27 years old and have been with my girlfriend for nearly 7 1/2 years. I am so in love with her, and i thought she was in love with me...

 

Back in september last year she left for a round the world trip, lasting 9 months. As you can imagine this was hard for me to take but she explained it to me and, as much as I didnt like it, I accepted it. I had done it before i met her and she wanted the chance to do it before it was too late and her career took off (the job she does she is virtually guaranteed very good career). She asked me to go with her and I dearly wanted to, but unfortunately i had taken 18 months to get a half decent job (i am not a professional like her unfortunately) and we both agreed it would be foolish off me to throw that away as it would be even harder to get anywhere in my career if I took another year off.

 

From september it was so hard - we texted each other and emailed, and spoke on the phone where possible. We both told each other how much we loved each other and how much we where missing each other. A couple of months in, we even decided to take the big step of buying a place together when she gets back. All things considered i have been so sad becuase I can't be with her, but everything looked like our life together was going to be so fantastic when we both got back - a young couple madly in love, with good careers etc - looked perfect.

 

I have just taken 3 weeks off work and gone to see her on the other side of the world (well over a day's travelling). It was odd, strange - it wasn't as fantastic and crazily romantic as I had hoped it would be. But we had a good time and, I at least, was so glad to see her. It was hard to leave again, but it kind of marked the half way period of her trip - I felt that we had made it this far, and it would be easier now as it was all downhill from here, so to speak. Well, it has been, but not in the way I expected.

 

24 hrs after I arrived back in London, suffereing madly with jetlag, we spoke on the phone and she dumped me.

 

She says she loves me so much, but is not sure that she is still 'in love' with me. She is not sure if she wants to spend the rest of her life with me.

 

I am obviously heartbroken. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her - we had already spent so long, and so many experiences, with each other. My world has come crashing down, I just want to grab my passport and disappear to a far corner of the world where I know noone and there is nothing to remind me of her. I love her so much, my home is filled with memories of her - pictures, cds, her clothes....

 

In the last few days I have slept about 4 hours and been crying my heart out. I went back to work for the first time and just sat there like a zombie, thinking of her and rushing off to the toilet every hour when I couldn't hold the tears back. I am meant to be in work in an hour, but I have a feeling I will not be going.

 

We spoke about 2 hours ago, while she was waiting to get a flight to her next destination. She says that for some time she has been unsure of the relationship and didn't know what to do.

 

This is where I get angry - I feel that our relatoinship has been very serious - this is not a crush, many people would be married and have kids in the time we have been together. I feel that she should have told me before she went away if she felt like this. at least we would have been face to face and I wouldnt have spent the last few months pining for her if we couldnt work it out.

 

What makes me more angry is that she could have told me when I was just out there! Not only did I spend thousands of pounds that I cannot afford to go see her (which doesnt matter, but still) but she leaves it until the day after I get back from seeing her. I know she didn't mean to hurt me by doing that - but it still makes me angry.

 

I feel like she has dropped this on me and that I deserve more - we have both invested too much for this to end with a brief phonecall from the other side of the world. I feel I deserve my say on the relationship and a chance to save it. But at the same time her feelings are her own, and I can't change them.

 

I am grieving - I am so scared that I may never see her again and yet I love her so much. In my heart it isn't over, but my head says it pretty much is.

 

But while there is hope, however small, I will hang on to it. I want to fight for her, but I don't know what to do.

 

I'm sorry this is so long. I have joined the board partly just to vent my feelings. I am not necessarily asking for advice but if anyone has anything they would like to say then feel free.

 

I love her so much I cannot see where I can go from here without her. I know it has only just happened, but I never thought anyone could be this sad or scared.

 

Thanks for helping me get a few things off my chest.

 

J

[spunkykatt]

wow...my heart goes out to you..I wish I could say more, but if you ever need to vent...well this is a good place to do it.

[heloladies21]

Well your kind of situation is very common and here's what to do.

 

If you have the strength, go into No Contact which means no communication going either way for a few weeks. It will give her the time to make up her mind about what she really wants and you will be able to cool down so you can handle interacting with her without being angry, needy, too sad. No Contact helps dull these emotions and the only way she's going to figure out her feelings is without you in the picture. Then if she decides that she made a mistake, she will have to work to get you back and regain your trust.

 

But if you still feel like you can convince her to stay or No Contact would be too hard, tell her how you feel on all occasions. Tell her that you want her back, pour out your heart, everything, and do it as much as it takes until you feel the need to go No Contact. It won't bring her back, nothing you pro actively do will accomplish that, but it's a bottom you probably need to hit before you can make the climb back up.

 

Whatever you do, don't just be her friend thinking she'll come back or just hang around in the background. She will not come back to you this way guaranteed. You would just be stringing yourself along till she drops you for good.

[PassionatePices]

Hi imlondon

 

Welcome to ENA and vent as often as you please.

 

I'm really sorry this happened to you!

 

Your in my thoughts.

[Blue In Texas]

JM. I am so sorry to hear this. I cannot even imagine what you are going through. All I can suggest in the short term is to box up as much of her stuff as you can (and keep it out of sight) and to lean on us as much as you need to. God bless.

[loneranger]

Hi Jmlondon

 

I would just like to offer my condolences regarding your situation. I really

feel for you man and think finding this site will do you no harm. Its filled with great people many of whom are or have been in similar situations to your own.

 

I really hope things work out for you and as heloladies said it might just be a case that a period of no contact is whats required, it feels impossible to continue in work and to do whatever used to make us happy. But i think the key is to remain active and to remind yourself of all the qualities you posses because your self belief is what will get you through it.

 

Take care

[merickso]

jm,

 

As some of the posts said above, use this forum to talk about how you are feeling as much as you would like. Heloladies is completely right, and most of us have learned that NC is the way to go the hard way. If you just keep responding to her emailing you and telling you how her trips going, etc, you will make her feel guiltless. Dont act like nothing is wrong, rather, dont act like anything - Dont contact her.

 

Of course, I know that this is nearly impossible, so if you guys do contact back and forth, make sure to seek some of the pros advice here (most likely they will say NC!).

 

Start by looking at some old posts in the "Breaking Up" section, which will give you some insite to how others have handling each day, each week, and each month. Regardless of the outcome, you shouldn't be focused on getting back together (although I know it will be on your mind), you should be focused on yourself and starting to make goals in your own life that do not include her.

[TheHighwayMan]

wow...that does sound truly painful. I know how hard it is to take when you thought someone was truly "the one" and then something like this happens. But it must be a whole lot worse when you've had so many years together....I'm sorry man...that's all I can say.

[07071970]

i think you may eventually have a chance again. May take awhile though. just become the best person u can from this and grow! You radiate your vibe, ya know. If it's meant 2 be, it will

[jmlondon]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and offers of advice - looking around there seems to be a lot of very kind and sincere people on here and it is so comforting for me to be able to vent and talk to people who have some idea of what I am going through.

 

I made it into work - a bit late, but I got there. Someone suggested that it may be better if I go in to take my mind off things and after all, if I lost my job over this who knows what it will do to me.

 

And you know what, they where right. Of course it is difficult and I am having to hold back tears at times at my desk. But anything that takes my mind off things, for however short a time, is good for me I think at this time.

 

I havent blurted it round the office, but I have told one colleague who I consider a good friend - he has been very understanding. He is in a long standing relationship and is currently engaged, so I am sure he understands about serious relationships and love. I also wanted to tell him so that if I did flake out or anything at work, someone knew the situation.

 

My boss I am sure would be very understanding about the situation - I have considered taking him to one side and letting him know what is going just so he knows I am having problems. Does anyone think that is a good idea? I think he may be starting to wonder if something is up because before I went away I was one of the jokers in the office, one of the louder ones. And everyone knew how excited I was to be seeing my girlfriend and how much I had missed her. But since I have got back I have been pretty much silent and reserved, and glossed over things when anyone has asked me about my trip or my girfriend.

 

 

She is still travelling to her next destination, as shes taking several connecting flights. She gets there in the next few hours. As such, we obviously havent had any contact in the last 24 hours.

 

I want her back so badly. At the moment I just want to be able to talk to her face to face, to hold her - just to see her in person, as I now fear I may never see her again. And that kills me, it just hits me right in the gut and makes me feel so sick.

 

I am so sad. I can't stop crying - I am crying as I write this and I just can't see how I can ever love anyone as much as her. How I can ever love anyone again.

 

Its the little things that make me really upset. The things that, perhaps, others see as trivial or even unattractive. Her mannerisms, sayings and things like that.

 

The fact that I am so sad scares me so much. I know it is so soon after the event, but I just can't see how I will ever be able to move on. I am sure, in time I will get myself together and be able to function again properly. I am a strong person and will get on with my life to a certain extent. But I cannot see how I can ever be with anyone else at this point.

 

 

It is nearly 8am over here so I guess I should try and get a grip of things and head off to work.

 

Thanks again for your support and advice, and I will keep you all posted of how I am doing.

 

Thanks.

[jmlondon]

Sorry everyone, I meant to add more personal replies to you all but I waffled on and didnt even get a chance to do that.

 

I will do later on.

 

Thanks so very much once again.

 

JM

[mj2503]

Just wanted to tell you I am sorry to hear that you are having so much pain. I too am struggling with a long term relationship that has gone sour. Sometimes knowing that there are other out here going through the samething you are helps a little. Take care of yourself, try to stay strong and know that if you keep the lines of communication open you will come to terms with things in time.

 

mj

[mj2503]

hi jmlondon,

Hope your ok, have you talked to her yet?

[jmlondon]

Hi

 

(Sorry, first of all – I had intended to briefly update you and thank you for your interest/concern, but this has turned into another long and venting message! Apologies to all, but I guess at times like these there are so many things going around your head that once you start letting those thoughts out, they just keep on coming.)

 

Yeah, I haven't been too bad all things considered – and thank you very much for thinking of me. The last couple of days at work have been ok, my friend who knows the situation has been making sure I have been ok, checking each morning how I am – and above all, taking my mind off things by trying to make me laugh.

 

Today has been pretty tough, its mid afternoon here and, not having a great deal to do, my mind has been wandering. It's a week since this has happened and my mind is no clearer. I didn't tell my family for a couple of days but now they know they have been very supportive, calling me often and asking me over for dinner etc. In fact, my mother has just called me while I have been writing this, I am going over to my parents' for lunch tomorrow and I am off to one of my sisters' house tonight for a meal and a chat. She has actually been through a messy divorce and has come through the other side, so she is probably one of the best people to speak to that I know. In fact, my relationship with my gf lasted longer than her marriage.

 

I have had limited contact with my gf (I can't seem to write 'ex-gf' just yet…I still hold out hope, however misguided) since earlier in the week. She sent me a brief message saying she had safely reached her destination. It was a strange text message – almost as if nothing happened, very matter of fact and signed with an 'x' which for a second gave me hope, but I know means nothing.

 

I feel bad because I didn't respond straight away, I actually left it until last night (a day or two later) to respond, and simply said that I was glad she had arrived safely and I hope she is having a good time. Did not leave an 'x', not sure if that was a good or bad move, or irrelevant…

 

Speaking over the phone has been a problem since she has been away, due to the fact she has been moving around – and calling her mobile would be expensive. Texts are too short so email is the only alternative. I opened my heart to her in a couple of emails last weekend, and today (after a few days of no real contact) have been trying to write a new one now that we have both thought things through for a few days. But it is very difficult, especially in the written form, to know how to project my feelings. I don't want to say anything that confirms in her mind that it is over, yet at the same time I don't want to continually throw myself at her and come accross as desperate.

 

As you can tell, I still want to try and do whatever I can to win her back, I just don't know how. You know, at the end of the day I love her so much, and I just want to be able to hold her in my arms. Although I am trying to come to terms with the fact that my life must move on in case it is well and truly over, I am some way off accepting everything yet. And while there is still the slimmest chance I am going to grab that with both hands.

 

What has surfaced over the week is increased anger. Anger in the way she did it (after I had just been to see her on the other side of the world, when she had been away for 4 moths or so already), especially as she says she has been feeling this way for a while. Whether she means a month, 6 months a year or more I don't know. I feel anger at the fact that she has obviously felt this way for a while and not told me – maybe something could have been done to save the relationship once these doubts first surfaced, whereas now I feel that her mind is pretty much made up and I have had no input in the decision.

 

I feel angry that I have effectively been lied to. When we said goodbye just over a week ago we told each other we loved each other. And I have been through all the texts and emails that we have sent each other (several times over…) and she is continually telling me that she misses me and loves me so much.

 

Thing is, the feeling of anger doesn't last long because I miss her so much.

 

Without being able to sit down in a nice safe environment and speak face to face, I have so many questions that remain unanswered. Worst case scenario, I can't get closure. "Glass half full" scenario, I am unable to see what needs to be done, if anything, to repair things. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, as they say.

 

Sorry to waffle on again. But as you all appreciate, it is helping me. I am a fairly level-headed and sensible guy with my head screwed on. My head is trying to prepare me to move on, as are my loved ones. But I don't feel ready and my heart is telling me not to. The scary thing is, I can't possibly see a time when I will be ready.

 

In many ways, it would have been easier for me if she had cheated on me or something. Apologies to those that have suffered that, but for me at least that would have spelt things out. Just being told that someone doesn't want to be with you, after so long, is so hard to deal with.

 

 

i would like to send her that email that i mentioned. bearing in my mind i would dearly like to continue our relationship, does anyone have any advice for what i should or shouldn't include? How i should try to come accross? What issues from her point of view that i should address?

 

i will probably mull thing over for the weekend, and i am off to be with my loved ones now. but i would appreciate any advice.

 

Thanks again so much for listening to my drivel and being understanding and caring.

 

Thanks

 

J

[ladygodiva]

hi imlondon,

 

the situation is difficult because she is god knows where and her mind will be god knows where, she is out of her usual environment. Different issues entirely will come into play, practicalities of the country she's in, language, etc. so I imagine it will be hard for her talk rationally about her relationship with you if she is out in a different culture altogether.

beware of trying to sort this out seriously while she is away, thereforeeee, i doubt she can be thinking in the right way for this. It is a bit much to have gone off and be saying these things to you though, yes she should definetely have discussed them with you, this is unfair and unecessarily painful for you.

i say, get help for yourself, even counselling while she is away so you can discuss the issue and be upset in the right place, instead of work for instance. Its definetely worth paying for an experienced professional, be good to yourself.

with love and support

L.g.

[fIIsion]

Hi, firstly I hope you are keeping well, I can totally relate to the pain you are going through at the moment, reading your posts, I can see that you are trying to keep level headed.

 

I went through something similar nearly a year ago, when my ex of six years ended our relationship.

She pretty much told me that her feelings had changed and she was no longer in love with me, she had been feeling this way for a while, although not very specific with timelines. She did say that pretty much for the last two years her feelings had been changing, whether there is any truth in that, i couldn't say, she was telling me how much she loved me upto a few months before we split.

 

I have been and still have, periods of anger, I think to myself, why didn't she speak to me earlier, why did she lie to me?, why didn't she fight for our relationship?

So many questions, so few answers, many different views and reasons from friends and family.

It became pointless trying to speak to her, she would either clam up and not talk or just spouted any old rubbish just to palm me off.

 

Its very difficult to give direct advice in your situation as I don't know your girlfriend (ex), but I wanted to tell you that if you wanted someone to talk to, please feel free to pm me.

 

All the best.