ladies, would you do this to the man you loved?

[daregveda]

I posted all the details in the thread "she says she loves me, how can I get her back. Basically, my girlfriend of 13 yrs. took my 2 kids and left almost three weeks ago. The reasons she sited were that she no longer loved me because I have had the same low paying job for years, I played on the computer too much and smoked too much and didn't clean the house in the evenings while I watched her kids. All of this was true, but the fight that led to her leaving started by me accusing her of cheating on me. As it turns out, I now believe that she was faithful but unhappy.

 

In the time since she's left, I enrolled in a local junior college with the help of financial aid. I just got a job offer and I have had the girls for a few nights. The house looks good, I'm smoking a lot less and when I do, it's outside. She had said when she left that she wanted to live apart while I worked on getting myself together, but that she would think about us and whether or not we should still be a couple. For the first few days after she left, I called her everyday, and when she brought the girls or came to pick up something, I begged her to come home, or at least to come over and talk to me. She just said that she needed time to think, that it'll be a year no matter what, and that I should just get my life together.

 

for the past week and a half or so, I have given up trying, only calling her twice about bills or the kids. When I talk to her or see her, I say nothing about me or her or us, only answer her questions. I can't even really look at her. NC is proving to be inneffective because I go one day without calling her and she calls me the next...but only about "business".

 

Many people have posted on my thread that she is waiting to see me get my stuff together, that she still loves me and that I should maintain NC and give her her space. But the fact that she doesn't ask about my progress tells me that she's not waiting for anything. She has only told me once since we broke up that she still loves me, and that was only after I asked her if she did. NC is proving impossible to impliment, and I just need to know from a woman's perspective if this is really something a woman would do to a man she loved and wanted to be with? And if so, how can I convince her to come home?

[Scout]

You said she hasn't asked about your progress. Could it be because from her viewpoint, she's not seeing what she was hoping she would see?

 

In my opinion, based on what you've posted you've made some really big steps. Congratulations on the job offer and going back to school! Whether you end up with your ex again or not, you're certainly improving some things within yourself.

 

But - for whatever reasons, your ex is not fully convinced that there is a possibility of a more stimulating and interesting and fulfilling relationship with you.

 

Rather than fixate on that fact, why don't you start planning some things you and the girls and the ex can do together that are fun and interesting? Make it very clear to your ex you want to do so in the interest of the kids having parents that still get along.

 

I bet a few of these outings might at least get your ex thinking about what she used to love about you. The point is to start building some really positive memories to have a foundation for reconciliation.

 

At the very least, it will be good for your kids.

[Scout]

One more thing...just read a fascinating article today about how boredom can kill a relationship. And there are many things that lead to boredom...shutting out your partner, not doing things together enough, not even admitting and then confronting the problems in your relationship as they arise. In short, both people go through the motions until one is finally fed up enough to end it.

 

That's why I suggest at least planning some fun things with the kids and their mom. It can help change some perception she might have had that being with you was like being in a rut. (No offense, I'm sure she contributed to this to.)

[daregveda]

SEE?....That's why I needed a woman's perspective. Perhaps things got so stagnant between us that she just couldn't handle it anymore. We never went out and did anything together. Renting DVDS and getting chinese takeout with the kids was the closest thing to a date we've had in years. Maybe her going out all the time with her relatives wasn't the problem, it was a symptom of her boredom. She always invited me to go along, but I never wanted to. I had, however, told her I would like to things together, just me and her...but only when things started to get ugly

 

Anyway, I'm giving NC a little while longer to sink in, but how can I get her to go out with me and the girls without seeming like I'm asking her out? She's made it clear that she doesn't want to come over to talk or anything, she just wants me to leave her alone...I need a way to approach her that won't make her hurt me again.

[Bethany]

I would consider telling her not to call you anymore except for an emergency but arrange a night once a week maybe when she can call you to talk about access to the children and any other "business". It's taking back your life and giving you some space and allowing yourself some time for your healing but also letting her know that if she says it's over, then maybe she shouldn't call whenever she feels like it. But also, it gives her time to miss you and wonder what your up to.

 

Also, when you go around to pick up the children, be light and bright, arrange a special place to go and tell her where your going, get the kids excited and have some fun infront of her with them, make her feel like she could be missing out on all the fun. And just as your leaving, say "You could always come with us"?? and go from there.

[daregveda]

Just got off the phone with her. Was talking about the bills, she said she'll help me out until I get on my feet, but that I needed to find a roommate or something because she didn't want to apy my rent. I told her I didn't want her to either, that I'd be on my feet soon and that's not what I missed about her. I broke down finally and started to tell her how I felt like I was on the sidelines watching her play and waiting for her to call me in, how everyday I check my e-mails and texts everyday for something from her telling me to either hold on or move on. She told me if that's the way I felt, then just to move on. She said that I had done a lot of things to her, but wouldn't tell me what they were. Then she hung up.

 

 

I feel like my life is over.

[designer71]

I know it must be so hard. ((hugs)) I really, really believe you should give her some space. Some REAL space. Listen to what bethany said and give her one night a week to call you if there is a question about bills or the kids. I know from experience that it will hurt like hell to not be in contact with her. I know how it feels to think that she doesn't understand what's really in your heart. Give yourself some time. Give yourself a break. You seem so down on yourself, but a relationship is a two-way street my friend. You didn't get to rutsville all by yourself!

 

Keep on making all of those wonderful personal improvements you have been working on. And I am begging you to do NC exceot for the one night a week allowed. Block her from your e-mail and text - that way you won't have to torture yourself by checking it 100 times a day (again - I know this from experience). And if you give her some space and continue on improving you, one of two things will happen. You will either A) Win her back after showing her how attractive you are inside and all of the accomplishments you have made on the outside. Or you will B) Meet a wonderful new woman with whom you have a clean slate with who will love you for who you are - not who she wants you to be.

 

I wish you the best luck. I have been there, and still kind of am, but it does get better. I promise!!

[daregveda]

I have been down on myself, but the more I think about it, the more I agree that this was a two way street and that she shares some of the blame. I have done everything I can do to be with her, and did NOTHING when there was still time. She just ran around resenting me and not even giving me a clue until things came to this. She acts as tho I never had to put up with anything from her, and I don't like the way that makes me come off. I was always there for her and I never let her down when she needed me.

 

The A and B options are both nice, but I don't see either one happening. She doesn't even want to see an inside of me, attractive or not and makes it clear she wants me to move on. I may start dating when I have the time or money, but at my age I doubt I'll ever find someone to love again, whether or not I've gotten over her or not.

 

Right now the best I can hope for is to learn to love working my ss off and try to squeeze in time to be a father to my girls. I have about a month and a half to scrape up enough cash for rent and depost on a new place. If I don't miss any classes, I get a higher grade and I don't have to take finals. I'm going to try testing out of Keyboarding 1 and ITC 131. And from now on, NC is a way of life for me. I have some very emotional things to say to her, but I have them typed up and she will never see them. If she calls about the kids I'll just tell her to call right back and leave a message or have our oldest daughter call. When I feel weak, I'll post here...eNA is my new support group.

[daregveda]

I asked her wednesday evening if she missed me at all. She looked me right in the eyes and said no. She said she doesn't feel "the same way" about me anymore and hasn't for a while. When asked if she thought we could ever try to start over, she said "no". When asked if she was sure she said yes. for now".

 

Is this possible? 13 years together, and after 6 weeks she no longer misses me? Her sister has told me of two occasions in the first few weeks of the breakup where she broke down and cried after some mundane reminder of me. One was a noodle bowl.

 

Last week she sent a message to my phone after midnight. It was a picture of our baby, nothing more. Also, I found out that she may be blocking her number and calling numbers that I've made or received on our family wireless bill. She's always been a little possesive, even going through my e-mails in the past and suprising me in the back room at work, trying to "catch me in the act". She never has, BTW becasue I have always been faithful to her.

 

It's been a while since I've put her on the spot by asking about "us". Did I just put her into defense mode, or could she really not miss me anymore? If she's been thinking about this for longer than the six weeks she's been away, is there any chance in hell that she will ever regain the feelings for me that she claims are gone?

[Danny H]

dareqveda, my friend we are in similar places ( very similar).

I have 4 kids with my wife we had been together 17.5 years, and in her memories of these years, history seems to have been re-written so that I have comitted a list of crimes against us ( that I wasn't even aware of)

 

Right now she is in Thailand on Holiday while I watch our kids, when she is back I have to move out.

I only mention this because to show how warped the thinking goes, she won't even concede that I as the traveller, had introduced her to Thailand- in the rewritten history it was all her idea.

 

But any bad thing in the past is 100% attributed to me.

All I can say is that we have to walk away, and although we might never fix it, know that one day when the brains have cleared a little more, that both US and THEM will have a better perspective on your time together.

 

At the moment the dumper has had to spend time building up to the break.

They have had internal conversations about the pros and cons for some time, ( even chats with friends etc), they have reached a place where what they are thinking is THE FACTS and whatever we say will not crack that truth.

 

If you do improve beyond belief, more than likely they will think " see you could have done that for me".

 

Study my friend, look after your kids, and believe that you are worthy.

 

Like you my lady had kids with me, so no matter what they say, things must have been alright once.

 

 

Best

 

Dan

[teacup]

i dunno what to say...

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi daregveda,

 

It is possible and she is being honest with you. She may not care about you after however many years. She doesn't want to talk to you about the things you are doing to improve yourself, she is probably thinking that she is the reason that you are making these improvements and takes pride in that (in a sick kind of way).

 

I have to say, it seems that from reading your posts that you are doing things to improve yourself based on her and her mostly. I don't think that you should be making these improvements based on her. Do it for your children and yourself. Doing positive things for your children and yourself is a definite step in the right direction. She can take a lot of things from you, self esteem, trust, confidence, your love for her, but she will never take the love that you have for the kids. SHE JUST CAN"T AND WILL NEVER HAVE THE POWER TO DO SO.

 

Don't ask her about you and her and the relationship. Sometimes people will tell you hurtful things so that "you will leave them alone". That tends to be their defense mechanism. Don't let her defend anything.

 

I know from your situation that the rules of NC don't apply. I'm in the same boat. What I've done to help me is keep conversation strictly on our daughter. Let her know that you are proud of the kids when they do something well. Let her also know your concerns about behavior changes. Let her know that you love your children (and your children only) and she will respect you to no end. Now, this doesn't mean that she will come back, and don't think of it this way. You have children that deserve more attention than she gets.

 

After about 5 years of divorce, my x-wife has talked about us getting back together because of the love I have for our daughter. I can't and will not get back together with her because I have moved on. I will not go through this or put our daughter through this again. There is just too much to loose should we try again and our daughter thinks so too.

 

Hang in there daregveda, it's hard, bumpy, up and down, but you can keep on going in the right direction you are going.

 

Best of luck!!

bcuzitwasfun

[daregveda]

 

I have to say, it seems that from reading your posts that you are doing things to improve yourself based on her and her mostly. I don't think that you should be making these improvements based on her. Do it for your children and yourself. Doing positive things for your children and yourself is a definite step in the right direction.

 

The things I'm doing now are for me. It's true that she had been after me to go to school, which I wanted to do, but it really seemed like a pipe dream. Child care, tuition, transportation...it was all too much on top of our rent and bills. I looked into school a few days after she left, thinking since she mentioned it as a factor, maybe it was a solution. I honestly had no idea how easy it would be to get financial aid, or how easy the classes themselves are. Seriously, the last two exams I've had have been open book.

 

And the job is definitely for me and the kids. I need to keep this house because it's still what my oldest daughter refers to as home. The job is well suited to my lifestyle; evenings and weekends with weekdays off for school, free food, near home and school and good pay. If she wants to enjoy watching me scramble and think it's for her sake, then let her. I'm not going to try to talk to her anymore, I thought I could but I keep backing her into a corner...I guess I just can't help myself. As hard as it's going to be, I'm going to assume the relationship is over. She still does and says things that hint to the contrary, but any follow-up on my part just seems to push her farther away. There's no point in trying to do anything for her, just being their for my children is all I owe her.

 

I may be going out tonight with a girl I met three years or so at my last job. She had a boyfriend and knew I had a girlfriend and a child at the time, but

still expressed interest in me. She was very happy to learn that I was now available and apparently has even bought me a present. She is very attractive and whenever we talk on the phone we have a lot of fun. I'm really looking forward to seeing her again, I've been working really hard lately and I could stand to treat myself to dinner and drinks.

[Danny H]

D, I hope your night out was fun

 

best

 

Dan

[daregveda]

Thanks man, but it didn't happen. She didn't make it into to town, and to tell you truth, I'm a little relieved. I was looking forward to seeing her, but I probably would've spent more money that I should at this point. I work the rest of the week and I'm hoping to get my daughters on my next day off.

[confusedashell]

You seem to be on the mend though even if you cant see it yourself mate!

 

I know Im repeating myself here but honestly it is too soon to be making any real speculations about how your gf is feeling and what will happen. Everything and I really do mean everything your gf is doing: my wife done the very same! She said the same things, acted the same way, treated me the same way and so on so forth. Maybe right now she really does not feel like coming back. The fact that she acts like this is nothing sort of points to she has not really thought about o dealt with all this for her own side. So do hang on there.

 

But again assume its all over and just focus on you. Regardless of the outcome that is what you need to do. When you do meet your wife be upbeat and postive. Do give her some real space. Be supportive of what she's doing in her personal life. The day will come when you both sit down and talk about your relationship. You just need to be patient and in the mean time get on with your own life. Hell, maybe if she decides she wants to fix it, you'll not be interested? who knows! its very early "in the game" to see anything clearly.

 

Suggest to her you all spend one day every week or two weeks together as a family. Doesnt matter if you're not together: you're still a family. Its for the girls best that you have a good day out together or even just some dinner together.

[daregveda]

Confused, good to hear from you man. I suppose it is a little early to expect results or give up hope. It's only been less than two months and there's no doubt she's not ready to come back. She's been keeping herself busy and keeping in contact with her friends, both of which I'm doing myself to help take my mind off of things. If there's a solution for me and her, it's not a quick and easy one. Perhaps she hasn't yet made up her mind, I don't know. But I do know nothing I say or do is going to influence her. I'll allow myself a little hope, knowing that she sees me whenever she looks in our children's faces. You're right that I have to assume that it's over between us and act accordingly. But there's the hope that she will one day miss me and take a chance that things will be better when and if she returns.

 

Until that time, I have school, work, a home and friends. Not just the friends I talk to on the phone, but everyone here at eNa too. Friends that won't let me give up hope, but urge me to pull myself up and do what's right for me. This has been the hardest 7 weeks of my life, but I've learned a lot about myself and made strides that I wouldn't have made otherwise. She knows this, too.