Just when I am beginning to feel comfortable...

[FoxLocke]

Sometimes, it seems that when everything is beginning to fall into place bizarre stuff happens.

 

Well, I've really begun to accept myself as a gay man. And I'm slowly but surely becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin...

 

However, there are certain moments where I feel like I've been punched in the stomach by Mike Tyson. For instance, last night my family came over to visit. I always told myself that whenever they come over I am just going to take off and drive. But, that really wasn't an option because it was around 25 degrees and I wasn't leaving unless the house was on fire...So, I hung out at home and talked to my friend(the guy who I think I might have a shot with)on the phone.

 

Anyway, as I've said before, I come from a very devoutly Christian Baptist background. Everyone(except me)believes that god took a pen out and wrote the bible before dropping it in our laps. According to them there is no need for interpretation, and if you aren't like the bible then you are just a sinful heathen destined for a firey hell and all that good stuff...

 

Well, this gospel music awards show(onething I have always loved about church growing up was the gospel choir)came on. To make a long story short a famous gosepl singer, Donnie Mcklurkin(sp?), came on to hand out an award. That is when the topic of his sexuality came up. Of course I remained quiet and let them talk(sigh). They said how he became bisexual because he was molested as a child and etc...

Then my mom said, and I quote, "Well, I have four wonderful sons and I feel truly blessed that not one of them came out "Like That."

Needless to say, I wanted to dig a hole and just hide. I, literally, felt like a piece of garbage. Obviously, she has no idea that I'm gay...So I think I won't tell her, at least not yet. She might keel over from a heart attack or something if I do. This is why I am so afraid of coming out to my family, I feel. They all think that gays are created by: A.) Absentee fathers, (B.) Child molestation, and the infamous (C.) A domineering mother. Well, I can say that it was none of the above for me. True, my dad died at an early age...But he was also an alcholic who was never home the majority of the time. So by that deduction all of my brothers should be gay too...

 

BUT, when it is just the two of us she will say nice stuff about gay people. It seems like she acts a certain way around certain people. I know my mom will, ultimately, love and accept me for who I am...But it is hard for me to accept not being viewed the same way just because I am in love with another man. I guess I care too much what people think in some regard(which is why it took me so long to accept my feelings)...My family is very conservative, in many ways, and we are always taught to put on an image. Everything is private, and how everyone deals with something is to just not even talk about it...

 

Furthermore, and I have constantly dealt with this issue, but in a way I have become disillusioned towards everything I've been taught--regarding religion--as a child(all the way up through my teens). Being gay is only partially an issue with it.

I believe, and have always believed, in a supreme deity. That probably won't ever change. But I ask myself whether or not I want to be apart of the Christian religion, being that it does not totally accept me? True, there are gay churches out there, but I really don't like church anymore...and that is partially because I don't agree with the bible anymore. The bible is so filled with contradictions and inaccuracies. At first I thought I was growing away from what I've been taught due to my sexuality...But I realize that this has been a gradual process. I've always had questions that my religion never completely answered. I haven't rejected the idea of faith, insofar as I've progressed in mind...I hope that makes sense.

Now, Part of me feels this sort of freedom and enlightenment in embracing a higher power, minus the dogma. I've always been taught that life is full of suffering and turmoil, and everything will be better when you get your crown in heaven. However, I am finding that life can be beautiful here on Earth too, and I embrace that fact now...But the other part of me is so thoroughly indoctrinated with all the tenets of my religion that it almost feels like I am rejecting everyone who had anything to do with my upbringing. I feel that I am more into sprituality rather than a religion. It used to be that I would never miss a single Sunday in church. But now I haven't been to church in over a year, and I feel like I am truly a better person for it. Maybe being apart of an organized religion isn't for me? Maybe self acceptance was the key to happiness for me?

I feel like I am finally finding my own space in this world. Most importantly, I am really feeling at ease and at peace with myself.

I think my family should be happy for me in that, because it has been a long and arduous process for me.

 

Sorry for making this so long. I just had to write it down.

Thanks in advance for any good advice I may receive.

[Dako]

Conidering the Bible flawless is as much an interpretation as any. Some faiths see it in different ways and in my town some chuches openly accept gays and lesbians as equals in all positions in the church.

 

I never understood how such a profound thing as belief or disbelief should be determined by the chance of birth. Many people have a change in faith as they mature.

 

I hope yur family surprises you with tolerance in th years to come. I've seen narrow-minded fearful people become very kind when a loved one comes out. It's always easier to dislike strangers.

[Ms Omaniac]

im sorry that your family is so closed minded.

 

when i was in high school...i was raised that way. i remember being up to a freshman that i believed it also. my best friend was this guy that id known for years....we just clicked. i wasnt attracted to him...he felt like a brother to me. well he told me my sophmore year that he was gay. the first few days i had a hard time accepting it. but then i couldnt imagine my life without him because he made me laugh so hard.

 

NOW im very accepting of them and do not judge them and wish they had more rights. i am a total advocate now.

 

but sometimes what it takes is to know one that is...and you realize because you love and care about that person so much....that they are human and are no different than me.

maybe all they need is to know and try and assimilate it. if they cant accept you then screw them...you shouldnt have to be something youre not just to make them happy. make YOURSELF happy in this life.

[Mrocza]

Hey you,

 

I honestly wanted to give you a big hug when you quoted your mom in there. i can't imagine what that was like. I mean, you sound as if you are a big family person and yet you can't be comfortable or yourself around them. It's hard to adjust and accept yourself, let alone having those around you accept you as well.

 

What I can say about your mother- like you said, she will love you for you. She doesn't sound that close minded about gays because, as you said, when it's just the two of you, she seems accepting. It's probably becasue of your entire, devoit Christian family that she becomes so prejudiced against.

 

Why are people prejudiced? Because they don't Know. You said it yourself, your family thinks homosexuality is the result of child abuse or negligence, etc. It's funny to read it, but in reality it's kind of sad. And how are they going to become educated about something they are TAUGHT not to tolerate through religion.

 

I myself was raised in a Roman Catholic household, also in church every week, and now, for the past 2-3 years have not been attending church. I believe in God, I even agree with some of the scriptures but I do not accept the bible as IT. I too, am also more spiritual rather than religious, and although some may disagree I concur that being on my own and finding out my own interpretation of the bible and what that something Greater is to me, has made me ultimately a better person.

 

You cannot change what you are. God made you unique, the bible teaches and then shuns those who are different. I think you'll eventually figure it out, that it doesn't matter- none of it does, until you make your move.

 

Maybe you should try voicing your opinions about homosexuality to your family? I am straight, but I am very against any forms of discrimination and prejudice. I always voice my opinions about it, to the point where heated arguments arise. I think talking about it is better- perhaps gaining some insight will help them make judgments and opinions more acurately.

 

Good luck hun....and good luck with the guy

[Jinx]

Foxlocke, I can identify with a lot you've mentioned far as it relates to a Christian family and their belief system. My family is a strictly Christian one which believes God's word is just that and is not open to be "twisted" by the heathens who want to avoid a one way trip to hell.

 

It is hard, because I had been talking casually with my mother one day, somehow the topic of my losing the religion arised I told her I don't know how people can live with a place where they seem unwanted and told they're going to die for being themselves (indirectly hinted at the gay issue) and there is no choice far as I'm concerned. There are issues that the bible outlines that ARE indeed terrible and those you can obviously mention but some of it is contradicting and nonsense. I was waiting for her to give me the Gospel lesson of the values it teaches, instead she says she doesn't agree with anything fully herself and that certain items must be interpreted differently and for religion to survive it needs that element but most will not that are at the roots of it. As the situation progressed she seemed somewhat open.

 

Then comes in the rest of the family on the issue and gee, my thought was just kill me now. Here comes the gay bashing, and it did, strongly. My father is the ringleader though, without him they're all a tad milder, so they change, different mask for different groups.

 

Of course that didn't go on for too long, they're too concerned about my being married and if I continue with too much education I will marry too late and not be able to produce children. Nipped in the bud stating that I heard China allows adoption for singles 25 and older. I don't even know if that information is right but they got the idea anyhow. They're not pleased with me but the issue didn't come up again. This idea about marriage and education just reflects their idea about women should be barefoot and pregnant homebodies, that would drive me insane, seriously. I could not spend my life giving birth and doing nothing but household chores.

 

It is hard to work with religion, I'd like to think there is a higher power but I've just lost a lot of interest because why should I be condemned for who I am through this higher power that supposedly taught us to love thy neighbor? I've considered alternative religions but even certain of those are as much as the Christian in saying No to being Gay.

[KIDD]

Hey Foxlocke!! It's Thakid!

 

I'm sorry about your mom. She may feel that way now, because right now she thinks that all of her children are straight.I think she might have a change of heart whenever you decide to come out to her.It might worry her & make her wonder what went wrong & it will take time for her to accept it! My mother went through the same thing actually when I came out to her. She said she always sorta of wondered about me since I was a child.. but she tried to believe & keep in her faith that I was always straight. When I came out to her it was a big shock to her!! She wondered what she had did wrong, she wondered why god would do something like this, & she told me all kinds of stuff went through her head. But she told me,that it took her time to really accept me & realise god made me the way I am. Even though she was very accepting when I told her, deep down she told me she wanted to die. Now she doesn't feel like that anymore! It helped both of us grow & mature. Now, we can talk about guys & stuff.. It's awkward talking to my mother about my crushes & stuff but it feels good to know that she accepts me.

 

I truly believe your mother will accept you Foxlocke! If your mother loves you like she says she does.. Nothing would change that & she'd love you for who you are no matter what! Just have faith in god & ask him to help your mother see the light & view things differently!

 

Now on religion. Personally, I don't dwell too much on a certain religion or what the bible says. Like you Foxlocke, I feel it has a whole bunch of contradictions & stuff doesn't add up. I try not to focus on what's being said. I believe there's a god or a higher power than us, I just choose not to focus so much on the religion stuff. The thing about it, there's so many religions & different views.. Well which one is the so called right one?? I mean there can't be more than one god?? I hope I'm making sense? So with that, I believe there's a god that loves us & accepts & loves everyone... That includes gay people! I think everyone gets sent to heaven, as long as you're not harming anybody... We all fall short.My family are christians but my views have changed on that. I don't believe in religion.. but I do believe in god... I hope ya'll get what I'm saying. Personally I feel the bible is a bunch of fairy tales & stories.. I just can't get into them.

 

Everyone has their different views & opinions.. but I feel religion actually does more harm than good personally!

 

So... I hoped I helped uplift you in some way Foxlocke..

[77streaks]

it takes alot of courage to come out, and sadly most parents, esp religiously devout ones, freak out. My dad freaked out when my sibling, and i spoke to him about it.

 

the fear is of something they don't know, my dad wondered how gays get along in life, without the whole marriage and kids thing and he was very upset for a long while. if you come out you could let your parents know your plans and how she could deal with it.

 

but now, my dad's cool with it. He's learning, tho its hard for him as a disciplinary teacher, but he became more devout and actually decided to "let go to God" and in that sense opened up to accepting his chilidrn the way they are.

 

I hope that when you come out, that things will work out.

 

[FoxLocke]

Thanks all of you! I knew I could count on this place for reassurance about my situation.

 

Right now, It is pretty hard for me to avoid the dogma and homophobia, since I now reside at home with my mom. But After I graduate I am heading for some city or state that is much more liberal. I have already settled on either: San Francisco, Seattle, or Atlanta. They have loads of gay people in those places, and I can just be who I am without worrying about all of this conservative crap...

 

As you all can see I do think family is very important. But there has to come a time when you just say "screw it." I just need to be happy, and being who I really am makes me happy. Thank you: Dako, Fairie, Jinx, Kid, Ms. Omaniac, and 77 streaks. Your comments really made my day alot better.

[Jinx]

I have already settled on either: San Francisco, Seattle, or Atlanta. They have loads of gay people in those places, and I can just be who I am without worrying about all of this conservative crap...

You know, I've heard Portland is a pretty open liberal area too which is gay friendly. Not sure how gay friendly on a 1 - 10 scale but it doesn't seem too bad.

 

I've seriously considered San Francisco but looking at rentals to real estate the living expenses are quite a bit. Even though I'm not all that familiar with San Francisco I've made the assumption that for the cities around it the apple probably doesn't fall that far from the tree, in meaning it still is probably accepting but isn't as expense as living in a "name" city.

 

For myself it would be a decent idea to consider graduate school in California and considered the Psychology programs available there and the colleges are for most part very good as I hear.

 

Enough of my irrelevent-ness on that portion of the topic.

 

As you all can see I do think family is very important. But there has to come a time when you just say "screw it.

I think we can all understand that point. One reason I've been an apartment dweller much longer than most people in my family. While most in the sibling and cousin department either reside at home until 21 or marriage, I was bounding out the door at 18 I believe it was, of course I could only get away with that because of cheap rent searches and my budgeting skills I have which I pat myself on the back for. Now I wait for when I reach prefessional level so that I can take another level with apartments or even possibly real estate, but latter is doubtful for awhile now, higher you go in degrees, more expensive it becomes as all of us that will be, are or have been in college are well aware of.

 

It just becomes suffocating after awhile. I love my family but for obvious reasons their ideas clash with my own so I need that type of independence. I, as you've said, think it is important but again there is just a time when enough is enough and no matter how we feel about them some things are better left alone and to move onward. Even harder yet, is when we have to sit through the homophobic spews here and there among friends and family and remain silent, taking a beating while usually no one knows, and then our having to smile and cope with it until coming out, then I presume, get a whole new incoming amount of it; depending.

[Dako]

We all want a safe place to live.

I lived in South Portland, Maine for a while and it struck me as a gay-friendly and beautiful place. My ex worked in a gay owned coffee shop for a while and we came to love the area. I grew up the metro area of San Diego with lots of gay neighbors and close friends, and my wife and I spent time in gay bars and camping trips.

As a straight guy, I often forget how negative and ignorant people can be. It really sucks when I get an earful of hate from a phobe, but it's not that common as people learn the truth. My parents never had any of that, and my elderly mom has lots of gay friends who've treated her better than her own kids.

[Prufrock06]

Well, this gospel music awards show(onething I have always loved about church growing up was the gospel choir)came on. To make a long story short a famous gosepl singer, Donnie Mcklurkin(sp?), came on to hand out an award. That is when the topic of his sexuality came up. Of course I remained quiet and let them talk(sigh). They said how he became bisexual because he was molested as a child and etc...

Then my mom said, and I quote, "Well, I have four wonderful sons and I feel truly blessed that not one of them came out "Like That."

 

D'oh! I really feel for you here, FoxLocke -- these awkward family moments are always a pain to deal with, especially when most of the party involved doesn't know you're gay. It reminds me of the holidays when my aunt and uncle would drop the f-bomb (not that f-bomb, but the GLBT f-bomb) all the time and I wanted to just shrink into my seat or run away and hide...Of course, I didn't want to come out to them right then and there, and I can imagine you must have felt the same way. So I guess the only (painful) thing to do is let them talk and pray that it helps thicken your skin...

 

 

BUT, when it is just the two of us she will say nice stuff about gay people. It seems like she acts a certain way around certain people. I know my mom will, ultimately, love and accept me for who I am...But it is hard for me to accept not being viewed the same way just because I am in love with another man. I guess I care too much what people think in some regard(which is why it took me so long to accept my feelings)...My family is very conservative, in many ways, and we are always taught to put on an image. Everything is private, and how everyone deals with something is to just not even talk about it...

 

This is the part of your post that gives me hope and, like others have mentioned, makes me believe that one-on-one, your mother won't be as troubled by your sexuality as you may think she would be. Granted, she might be surprised or might need some time getting used to it but I feel like despite what your other conservative family members may think and feel, your mom would definitely be on your side on this one. I can totally sympathize with the emotional conservation that your family practices because my family does the same -- and it's very frustrating because it inhibits the open communication that would make life so much easier and family relationships so much more fulfilling. I would say our skins are just the same thickness (which is to say, very very thin) -- I too get worried about what other people think of me sometimes, not just from a sexuality standpoint but from a standpoint in general. I'm much better at it now than I used to be before I became open with my sexuality. I feel, though, that the more you become comfortable with yourself, the more you will find this notion of worrying what other people will think about you being gay to dwindle away into a much more manageable issue.

 

Maybe being apart of an organized religion isn't for me? Maybe self acceptance was the key to happiness for me?

I feel like I am finally finding my own space in this world. Most importantly, I am really feeling at ease and at peace with myself.

I think my family should be happy for me in that, because it has been a long and arduous process for me.

 

My personal belief is that someone's faith/religion/spirituality whatever should be a PART of their life, and not their ENTIRE life. It seems like, with all your deep introspective thinking, that you are coming to some kind of realization about what your faith means to you as a homosexual and if it means leaving organized religion or taking a hiatus from it to discover other uncharted aspects of your personal faith, then so be it. There's nothing wrong with that and it's a perfectly healthy thing to do. We're both in our twenties -- this is the real decade for self-discovering, for finding things and figuring things out and coming to terms with what you do and don't want from others and from life itself.

 

I think you're family will, at the end of the day, be proud and happy for you for being such a level-headed, wonderful individual who's figuring out what he wants from life and how to get it. I'm sure I speak for those of us on the forum as well when I say that I'm happy for you.

 

Sorry this wasn't posted sooner, but I hope it helps!