agony.....

[teacup]

im really unhappy lately. i feel tormented and tortured by demons. it's not a good feeling.......sigh. i feel sad. i am carrying a lot of baggage around. a lot of it has to do with several big stupid choices i made that i can never undo. that upsets me that i wont be able to right the wrong i made with my life and that i could have done something so moronic. sigh.

 

im really traumatized by men. especially in relations to sex. men and sex. i despise a lot of the guys who just look at women as sex objects, who dont see them as human beings, who dont respect or value them.....sigh. so gross. so disgusting. i dont like it. i feel especially traumatized by my experiences. experiences i didnt want to have. situations i ended up in that i wish i could erase. the aftermath of such experiences erasing, eroding destroying my soul...arggggghhhhhhh........so GROSS. i cant shake it off. the trauma. the extreme shame. the selfblame. the hurt. the pain. the disgust. the drama. the feeling of dirtiness and poison. i dont want to be used. never again. i dont want to be strung along. never again. i dont want to be with bad men with nothing to offer me who dont value me. yuck. i dont want to be put down or hurt or stepped on or disrespected or pushed away or mistreated or anything like that. i dont want to be looked at like a sex toy. or a * * * * * or a * * * *. lately, i feel dirty.....because some classless tasteless men thought i was a * * * * * who would easily sleep around and do sexual favors for them. this made me feel really bad about myself. i didnt even know them and i didnt do anything to cause them to think this of me, but they made it up in their heads and branded me with their disrespect. but im not. i dont go around having sex or doing sexual favors. im not like that. i am a lady and to be treated that way.......im extremely traumatized. feel stigmatized. feel angry. really really angry and disgusted. feel pretty down and depressed and sad and angry too.

 

also.....the stupid guy i like. i dont want to like him anymore. he's no good for me. he doesnt even call or chase me or put in any effort. he barely wants to pay for a movie. how cheap is that? makes me feel so bad that he doesnt even value me enough to want to take me out or spend any time with me or money with me or push me away. really drags me down. i dont feel like making set plans with him anymore. liking someone is supposed to bring about a measure of comfort, security, happiness, warmth, attachment. i just dont think he's capable of any of this. he's too buzzed or detached or in his own world. something's wrong with him, he's got his own issues. i dont know. always feels like he's pushing me away. says he wants a relationship but doesnt act like it. seems to only be interested in me for sex. we have no common interests. and i see all these red flags and lots of things wrong with him, but im still reluctant to let him go. it's pretty weird. sigh.....im so unhappy. i wish i could just find someone 100000000000000x better to like and spend time with. someone who adores me and makes me feel better about myself just by being with that person.

 

well, this is a little rant of mine today. just a mass of emotions. depression, guilt, sadness, blame, peace, happiness, hurt, trauma, agony, control, insecurity, emotionalness, disrespect, emptiness, waiting, lack of focus, feeling like something's missing, dirty, struggles, anxiety, worry, frustration, procrastination, unhealthiness, instability etc. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

 

i could scream with frustration and rage. i could scream with pain. im not well. i need to stop looking in the wrong directions for what he/they cant give me. so dirty.

[Scout]

Teacup...are you or aren't you going to get counseling? I'm really starting to get worried about you. You can't keep torturing yourself like this, isn't it time you break these chains that hold you down? You have the power to do so, but you've got to take that first step and get to counseling!

[teacup]

the appointment is next friday. meanwhile im just trying to purge it out.....but it doesnt seem to be working.

 

im not even sure im seeing the right kind of psychologist who specializes in the right kind of issues. i mean, i seem to have issues of every kind, how do i know what the psychologist should specialize in?

 

plus, im worrying myself to death that this guy does not like me or call me but i mean.....why do i care so much when i realize logically that he's not even that great and that he's not worth this kind of agony? and yet i dont push myself out there to meet better ppl?

 

i have exams and i havent been going out. i cut off all the bad ppl but im still stuck in a hole. stuck in limbo. half wanting to live, half not wanting to. not even focusing on myself.

 

i have a mind that goes 10000000 miles per hour like a train. my thoughts churn but yet my emotions do not clear. my life is still clouded and i want to break free into a meadow of flowers instead of a pile of mud.

 

help!!!!

[Scout]

Did something happen today to trigger these emotions, or is this something you pretty much feel consistently, and it's building up?

[RIPDIME]

Look, I know guys must seem like * * * * * * * * to you. Every day some of my friends look at girls like sex objects and even for me as a man, it disgusts me. You have to realize though that there are guys out there who do want to love you for who you are and not just for your assets. The problem is the guys who are * * * * * * * * always get the girls. I say just get your mind off things, to me whenever I actualy do something that requires concentration (playing guitar) the feelings no matter how unbearable pass because I forget about them while im doing the activity. If you can do something interesting for a while I can guarantee you will feel better. Also maybe you are going after the wrong guys. Ever thought of dating a shy guy, maybe thats the problem all the guys who you are around or date are all extremely egotistical and shallow, its a worth a try right?

 

PS: Whenever I feel down I always listen to something very heavy and angry like Slayer or death metal bands, it channels your anger and I almost promise you will feel better.

[teacup]

i seem to be having traumatic memories that are flooding back. i cant think or see clearly and it bugs the helllllll out of me. GAH. what a headache. all these rotten memories bugging me....geeezzz.

[ElektraHere]

Teacup

 

I can sympathize with how you feel. I too constantly think of all the things I wish I could change about my past. Unfortunately we cannot go back in time to undo what has already happened. I too am seeing a therapist and what I did is research them out. Sometimes you can go to different associations if you google their name you may find something about them. You may want to try that or at your appt tell them exactly what it is you would like to work on and ask them how they participate in the therapy. I found that my therapist takes an active role in giving me feedback or asking me why it is I feel like I do.

 

It's funny we talked about what you are talking about today. Trying to fix the past. I have MANY regrets of the choices I have made. One is I dropped out of HighSchool my senior year. I regret that so much and that I didnt have a graduation. I am enrolled in college now so I will graduate and i will get the cap and gown ceremony. I have made many bad choices with men. Trying to fulfill a void in my life with a man, that doesnt work either. There will be good days and there will be the bad days too probably more of the latter at first. Just know that you are on the road of recovery and that is a postive.

Good Luck

[teacup]

thanks for the support. the agony comes and goes. i sometimes think i like tormenting myself......except i cant shake off the feelings

 

im incredibly tired, exhausted and fussy right now so im going to bed. ARGHHHHHH

[novaseeker]

Isn't this the same guy who has the drinking problem? Honestly under the circumstances, he's the last thing you need in your life. I'd just let him go and focus on yourself and your counseling for the time being ... being around a problem drinker isn't going to help you at all, and the fact that he's letting the relationship die is actually doing you a huge favour ... because to be honest someone who is a problem drinker isn't really capable of being in a successful relationship, period.

[NJRon]

As for the psychologist (though, there are actual psychologists and therapists on this board that may be able to offer better suggestions) you should probably find one that is experienced in treating adults, addiction and abuse. I don't know if you got your appointment through insurance or not. If you did, they should list their qualifications in their directory.

[fishrrshortae]

teacup

 

I don't want this to come off rudely

but you post about these feelings constantly on ELA

so it seems to me that what you're looking for, you are not finding here. None of these people are going to be able to help you. It sounds like you need to find a GOOD counselor that specializes in whatever you need them to, and get working on those issues, as Scout said.

 

Although we all want you to be happier, I am afraid that the best advice any of us can give you would be to tell you to seek professional help. Of course, we are all here to help.

good luck!

[yeawutever]

Yea, most of ur posts says about the same thing, it's like saying that ur not getting help at all.