Really need advice...so sad and confused

[Tom_Bombadil]

I have been with a woman for the past year and a half. However, I feel that it may be over.

 

For the most part we had a good and loving relationship and she has the cutest 2 year old daughter whom I absolutely adore. We have had our share of problems though. She didn't like me going out with my friends as she was constantly worried that I would find a girl and cheat on her. I never would have cheated on her, and I have no idea at all why she was so worried about this. I was constantly having to prove to her that I loved her and was faithful. She also would scroll through the call log on my cell phone to see who would call me.

 

After 4 months of us dating she began trying to push me into proposing to her and moving in together. I would tell her that we should take it slow and have plenty of time. From time to time we would have this same argument over and over again.

 

Then things really changed. In December, her daughter's father got out of prison and began calling her. They would always get into arguments on the phone and she would end the conversation by hanging up on him. I tried to stay out of it and let her handle it, but one day I snapped and picked up the phone and gave him a piece of my mind. I know it was wrong, but she seemed grateful that I did this. Abot 2 weeks ago she began arguing less with him, and they started getting on friendlier terms.

 

She recently got a new job. She would come home and tell me about the same guy who would always flirt with her and ask her out to dinner. She told me she always declined, of course. While she was at work one day about a month ago her mom and I were chit-chatting. She told me that her daughter said she wanted to date this guy but couldn't because she was with me.Her mom also mentioned that she had mentioned on a couple occasions that she wanted to break up.

 

Ever since my gf's baby's daddy got out of prison her personality had really changed. She was irritable, cranky, and often blew up at me over small things. Our sex life also went from being great to nonexistant.

 

Last Sat. she called on her way home from work. Her cellphone connection was very bad and I asked her to repeat something she said.

She then got angry and insulting and shouted at me. Out of hurt and frustration I got sarcastic with her. She swore at me and I hung up on her. We haven't spoken since.

 

Its been almost a week now. In that time I've come to the sad realization that we simply weren't meant for one another. However I still do love her and her daughter. The very thought of her daughter asking where I am brings tears to my eyes. It breaks my heart.

 

The advice I got from family is to not call her and just move on. I've been doing just that but I find myself checking my messages constantly and getting the urge to drive past her house. She still hasn't called, and I haven't driven past her house yet.

 

I wonder if she's feeling the same way as I am. I wonder if she's with her daughter's dad (who was a very abusive person and a criminal) or with her admirer from work. All I know is that it may be pretty much over.

 

What do you all think?

[Bethany]

I think she owes you an apology. Stay strong, stand your ground and don't go back to her until you get one. If she doesn't think your worthy of an apology then it's already dead in the water and move on like your family tell you to.

[kellbell]

Hi there!

 

"She didn't like me going out with my friends as she was constantly worried that I would find a girl and cheat on her. I never would have cheated on her, and I have no idea at all why she was so worried about this. I was constantly having to prove to her that I loved her and was faithful. She also would scroll through the call log on my cell phone to see who would call me."

 

It seems to me she has some insecurity issues here. Probably attributed to her past relationship with her daughter's father. And maybe she was not fully healed from those issues when she got into the likes of you. Meaning she was not travelling light. Whether or not you want to continue you deal with this is entirely up to you. From past experiences and witnessing other people's relationships, this never gets better. In a lot of cases, when someone accuses the other person of doing something when there is no ground to (i.e.. cheating) the person is usually doing the act in question...it is called projection.

 

"After 4 months of us dating she began trying to push me into proposing to her and moving in together."

 

This is a red flag to me. That seems a little fast and this could be attributed also to her insecurities or she may have another agenda.

 

"She recently got a new job. She would come home and tell me about the same guy who would always flirt with her and ask her out to dinner. She told me she always declined, of course. While she was at work one day about a month ago her mom and I were chit-chatting. She told me that her daughter said she wanted to date this guy but couldn't because she was with me.Her mom also mentioned that she had mentioned on a couple occasions that she wanted to break up."

 

In my opinion, being in a wonderful and loving relationship would not compel a person to make his or her partner jealous and that is what she is doing to you. More insecurities here. Oh my, she is dragging her mom in her personal life, can't make decisions on her own. Why in the world would her mother tell you something like that?

 

And her hanging up on you is extremely rude. I would not tolerate it. It is very childish. I agree she owes you an apology but I strongly feel you deserve better than this. She likes drama and has all kinds of issues. I always believe you can see someone's true colors when they deal with stress. And her hanging up on you, accusing you of cheating, yelling, and swearing at you is the way she copes and handles stress. Not mature at all. Is this what you envisioned yourself with?

 

I would wait for her to contact you and see where that takes you.

 

There are a lot of red flags in your post.

 

Take care and wishing you all the best. **hugs**

[lunatic]

Hey bro I was in your situation about two years ago. It hurt so badly that I try not to think about the day I left as that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I do have to say that in time you will recover and be back to who is important in your life and that's YOU.

 

Implement NC as soon as possible because you deserve to be treated better. Even though she is the one who is losing out on the deal. You have to let her go and if she does have any feelings for you she will contact you. I would then talk to her and once that call is over I would never talk to her again. Unless she is apologizing to you and offering you to say your goodbyes to her daughter. Then I would try to hold out as long as possible with her so you can see the child.

 

You do have to remove yourself from their lives but, you can try to do it slowly. I don't know I tried this and it worked out for a week or so then I could not take them talking about her new guy(the twins were five at the time).

 

If she does go bad to the baby's father then it is her loss not yours. Hang in there because you deserve to be treated better than this. Stay strong and hold your ground. Don't under any circumstances contact her! Let her come to you.

 

Good luck and I am sorry I know what your going thru(somewhat),

Hub

[RayKay]

Hi Tom, I am so sorry to hear of your break up, but I do agree with your friends and family that you really need to withdraw from her and take some time to heal and move on. I think you really need to start living as it is over.

 

There were several things in your post that raised some flags with me.

 

 

 

For the most part we had a good and loving relationship and she has the cutest 2 year old daughter whom I absolutely adore. We have had our share of problems though. She didn't like me going out with my friends as she was constantly worried that I would find a girl and cheat on her. I never would have cheated on her, and I have no idea at all why she was so worried about this. I was constantly having to prove to her that I loved her and was faithful. She also would scroll through the call log on my cell phone to see who would call me.

 

Obviously this shows some serious issues with trust, now it may be due to her past, but it is also pretty clear she was allowing her past experiences to negatively affect the relationship. Over time, I really believe this would of really really harmed the relationship. That lack of trust eats away at even the healthiest of relationships, and erodes the safety, security and intimacy you have together.

 

Sometimes, people whom are that worried about their partner cheating also are that way as they know themself how easy it is for them to do it....

 

You should not have to "prove" your trustworthiness and faithfulness...unless you did something to violate it. The fact is you can NEVER "prove" something like that to someone whom has it in their head they don't trust you.

 

After 4 months of us dating she began trying to push me into proposing to her and moving in together. I would tell her that we should take it slow and have plenty of time. From time to time we would have this same argument over and over again.

 

MAJOR red flag - 4 months? Now sure some couples decide to get engaged early, but as a MUTUAL decision, I would be extremely cautious of someone PRESSURING engagement 4 months into it!

 

Can I ask how old she is by the way?

 

 

 

She recently got a new job. She would come home and tell me about the same guy who would always flirt with her and ask her out to dinner. She told me she always declined, of course. While she was at work one day about a month ago her mom and I were chit-chatting. She told me that her daughter said she wanted to date this guy but couldn't because she was with me.Her mom also mentioned that she had mentioned on a couple occasions that she wanted to break up.

 

Red Flag #3 - Why would she tell you about this guy but to get a reaction out of you? There is some hypocrisy in her distrust of you, but her also apparent need to tell you this. Even more alarming that she told her mother those things about wanting to date him. Not cool. I am not sure what she was trying to do by telling you, but validate herself or in some way "absolve" herself of any guilt by pursuing things. If a guy is "rejected" twice, not often they would KEEP asking, I think there was more to this then she told you honestly.

 

Ever since my gf's baby's daddy got out of prison her personality had really changed. She was irritable, cranky, and often blew up at me over small things. Our sex life also went from being great to nonexistant.

 

Last Sat. she called on her way home from work. Her cellphone connection was very bad and I asked her to repeat something she said.

She then got angry and insulting and shouted at me. Out of hurt and frustration I got sarcastic with her. She swore at me and I hung up on her. We haven't spoken since.

 

There are too many opportunities in your life to stay with someone whom is going to throw temper tantrums and withhold intimacy, and also not discuss what was going on.

 

Its been almost a week now. In that time I've come to the sad realization that we simply weren't meant for one another. However I still do love her and her daughter. The very thought of her daughter asking where I am brings tears to my eyes. It breaks my heart.

 

The advice I got from family is to not call her and just move on. I've been doing just that but I find myself checking my messages constantly and getting the urge to drive past her house. She still hasn't called, and I haven't driven past her house yet.

 

I wonder if she's feeling the same way as I am. I wonder if she's with her daughter's dad (who was a very abusive person and a criminal) or with her admirer from work. All I know is that it may be pretty much over.

 

What do you all think?

 

I don't think it matters whom she is with at this point, honestly given the red flags...her wanting to date someone else and break it off, I think she was looking for a way out, and her behaviour reflected that. Of course you will be hurting, and it will take time, but I really thing it's best you put one foot in front of the other and move on.

[shamus]

I agree with raykay.

Major red flags.

my ex did the same always checking my phone...one time she asked me who someone was(this was only a month or 2 into our relationship)...I didnt know as i have a bunch of old numbers in my phone from people I've met but never really kept contact with, she accused me of lying.

 

I too always felt like I had to walk on eggshells. if i said or did something wrong, instant blow up and argument.

 

She'd be over my house, and would constantly go through my computer. eventually i was able to get her email password, and found out she'd been talking to other guys. of course, what i did was wrong, but at the same time she never acknowledged that what she did was wrong as well.

we'd argue and fight, calling each other names...i'd always apologize to her...things do happen in the heat of the moment, but she say what i said was worse...of course my point was an insult is an insult, and she'd never take responsibility for her actions.

 

for months there was constant little jabs at me, I'm gay for example if i talked to even a guy at an art festival we went to; or that i was always checking out other girls...if a girl walked by i was always checking her out.

 

after 5 months she got mad at me because I hadnt wanted to move in. she said i kept making excuses about me not being able to get out of my lease. she would say I'm not committed...she had a 5 year old son, and i told her it is a tough situation, having to relocate to a 2 bedroom, let's go slow wait a year to make sure its right, that we stop fighting. a few months later i discussed it with her, and she got mad that i said it will be cheaper for both of us splitting rent. she said i should help her out as she's a single mom(which i always helped when i could-offering to babysit, taking them out to eat or the movies) and that we'd simply just be roommates.

 

then she'd actually go on a few dates, nothing happened and she'd always come back, we'd fight...she said she never committed to monogamy and we were never exclusive, yet she was always on my case if a female friend called.

she dumped me in december, saying she was seeing someone else.this escalated really bad into a fight and i did shove her and push her and yell...the months of betrayal, the constant needling, everything, drove me nuts. i apologized because i had no right, and she offered that we go to counselling.that fact she mentioned that helped me and made me think she really wants to try. we both needed help.

agreement in January that we did love each other, and we should try to make this work, and she never truly gave me her heart out of fear, and that our arguing was stupid and out of jealousy. thing is, i was always loyal to her, and she took advantage of me. ok. let's work on things. she seemed to be there with me at this point.

3 weeks later...break up via text, her family doesnt approve(of course she painted herself as i did no wrong).

 

i'm glad it's over, it drained me mentally, physically, and financially.

there is no way i could be with her as much as i lvoe her.

 

it hurts dude, but keep being strong work on yourself.

[Tom_Bombadil]

Thank you for the advice and kind words, everyone. This really means alot to me.

 

I am glad to know that I'm doing the right thing by not contacting her. Even if we never see each other nor speak again I guess that's the way it has to be.

 

Y'know its really funny when you think you've found "the one", only to realize an entire year and a half later that she really isn't. May would have been two years for us. This is the longest relationship I've ever been in. I'm going to miss her daughter's smiling face so much. It really sucks, but I need to be a man, dry my tears, implement NC and just move in with my life.

 

I need to quit rushing to my cell phone to check messages, and I need to get over the urge to drive by her house.

 

I'm actually going out with a couple of old friends on Saturday and Sunday. I think this will help. Spending time with friends and family.

 

Oh, and to answer your question Raykay, she is 22.

[RayKay]

Wow shamus - what a incredible story, my heart goes out to you, but I am so happy you are NOT in that situation anymore - and one day you will appreciate that even more.

 

Tom - I was asking mainly because sometimes when someone is very young and/or insecure, they are more likely to try and "rush things". My guess is that based on some of the other issues, the fact also she was a quite young single mom, she might of felt vulnerable and insecure, and also felt marriage would = security, so she was eager to rush it along, and that would somehow make it "permanent". Only of course, she would of found she still felt insecure as really she is missing her own internal confidence and happiness.

[shamus]

RayKay-always great advice from you.

right now i miss her, but I am not heartbroken, which is a good sign.

 

tom-keep strong. it's tough. like my ex, yours is very emotionally insecure, and things will only get worse

[Tom_Bombadil]

An update.

 

last night I went out with some friends and had a good time. She had called my cell phone and I didn't answer because I couldn't hear it ring. She left a message that went something like this:

 

"Hey, Rick. You're being bogus I see. I've tried getting ahold of you tonight and it seems impossible. I don't know if you're still mad at me or not, but call me back if you want. If not, then I guess its over. Have a nice life. Bye."

 

This was the first I have heard from her since our argument Saturday. I don't know why she seems to feel that I'm the one with the problem.

 

Should I call back, or just forget about it and just wait until she decides to try again?

[kellbell]

"This was the first I have heard from her since our argument Saturday. I don't know why she seems to feel that I'm the one with the problem."

 

I say don't even bother contacting her. You got your answer when she did not contact you for almost a week. Also, when someone does not take responsibilty for his or her actions, it is a sign of immaturity and that is never going to change, in fact thigs will probably get worse if you stay in a relationship with her. You deserve so much better. I am so sorry things went down the way they did but everything happens for a reason. Big hugs and take care.

[RayKay]

"This was the first I have heard from her since our argument Saturday. I don't know why she seems to feel that I'm the one with the problem."

 

I say don't even bother contacting her. You got your answer when she did not contact you for almost a week. Also, when someone does not take responsibilty for his or her actions, it is a sign of immaturity and that is never going to change, in fact thigs will probably get worse if you stay in a relationship with her. You deserve so much better. I am so sorry things went down the way they did but everything happens for a reason. Big hugs and take care.

 

I ditto that - I think even her call was more to "one up" and absolve responsibility from everything again. I don't know, something seems fishy in it all.

 

You do deserve better.

 

You can call her, but I would say it's to say it's over. I have a feeling she will "never" be in the wrong, and that will really eat away at you over time. And the emotional and verbal abuses she was hurtling your way for a while...it's just not worth it, there are so many other woman out there capable of something healthy and mature.

[lunatic]

Kick her sorry butt to the curb and implement NC ASAP! I would call her up and tell her that it is over. That you deserve to be treated better and that all the problems in a relationship are not mine. After all a relationship is a two way street and blame falls on both of you no matter what when things come to an end.

 

Time to move on to greener pastures! Remember that sometimes the grass is GREENER on the other side of the fence and in this case I truly believe it is for you! Be strong and move on from this immature woman!

[Tom_Bombadil]

Well, the night before she had a friend call me. She told me that my ex was very confused and depressed over the breakup. I basically told her everything that happened between us and that I needed to think.

 

I wake up yesterday morning to find a message in my voicemail. It was my ex. She claimed that her mother was lying about her wanting to break up with me and dating her co-worker. She said she doesn't want to throw away a year and a half of the relationship we built together and that she loves me.

 

As I'm getting dressed she calls. She asks what I want to do and I tell her that I just want to be friends. She claims she couldn't be friends with me because she loves me so much and that she hasn't been able to sleep or eat because she is so upset. She also apologized for the way she behaved over the phone that day we had our fight.

 

At that point in the conversation we were both crying. I tell her that I need to think things through and that we'd talk later. An hour later she calls back saying that she's on her way home because she couldn't work in the state that she was in. She wanted to come over and talk, but I had to leave for work.

 

7PM her mother calls and asks me to come over for dinner. I tell her that I can't because I had planned to go out to eat with friends. She pleads with me to stop by just for a few minutes and I finally comply. So I go. My ex and I say hello and her little daughter gives me a big hug. She's obviously missed me. My ex'es mom talks to me about how relationships aren't perfect and you constantly need to work at them. She also said that it was foolish the way we were behaving and that we needed to make up. So I went downstairs where my ex and her daughter were. We chitchatted for a few minutes and I told her that I had to get going to meet my friends. She kept asking me to stay, but I didn't want to break plans. I gave her a big hug and left.

 

Its nice that we're finally talking again, but I just don't know what to do anymore...

[RayKay]

Was anything said about how the sex life would be addressed, as well as the pressure for marriage, and the other men?

 

No, relationships are not perfect, but they also should not be unhealthy and toxic, and this is what I worry about. They may not be perfect, but they sure can feel amazing, be healthy, and emotionally fulfilling.

 

Ultimately, at this point it is your decision what you want to do....may I suggest though if you do decide to give it another try, you two consider some form of couples therapy, and take it slowly?