I have a boyfriend but I have feelings for another also

[Max1]

I'm getting pretty confused on what I should do here. I've been with my boyfriend for a very long time. He is manic depressive. He is on medication but "forgets" to take it all too often. He also only sees a counselor when his medication runs out and he has to go. When he misses his meds he becomes a completely different person. It seems like he doesn't want any help and that he just wants to make everyone feel guilty. I try to take care of him the best that I can. But the other day I tried to figure out what was wrong. Everything I said was turned upside down and twisted around. I let him sleep for a while. When he woke up he seemed okay again. So we got in the car to go to his place. I was getting something out of my bag, I looked up and noticed that we were heading right towards a row of parked cars. He had a blank look on his face and his hands were off the wheel. I grabbed it and he flipped out. We pulled over so i could drive when our friend pulled up. My boyfriend did another 180 and was "normal" again. We hung out with "Brian" for an hour or so. But everytime my boyfriend left the room I couldn't stop having thoughts like I was in the beginning, the very beginning of a relationship with brian. It made me happier to think about trying to talk to him or will he make the first move. It was like I was a little love sick girl again. I love my boyfriend but I feel drained. When I'm with Brian I feel happy and relaxed like I did with my boyfriend a long time ago. I'm not sure if my feelings for Brian are real or just fantasies. Or what I should do about my boyfriend.

[crookster_man]

Okay, well I will give you my advice. But before I do I must tell you that my situation is very similar to yours. I was dating a girl who I was in love with. Then she started having issues with school and her family. Things started to take a turn south, much like you have experienced. She meet a new guy and they became friends. Much like you she developed a crush on him. This guy was also my friend. Eventually she went to far and fell in love with both of us (love 2 people?) and she cheated on me. Well I broke it off with her and now they are together, are they happy? Probably not. They both made some really bad choices.

 

I told you this because I understand your situation from the perspective of your BF. My first instinct to tell you to be a caring GF and stop what you are doing. It will only lead to hurt pain and suffering for all parties involved. It will ruin friendships, ruin self-respect and so on. You are treading on very dangerous ground.

 

Of course I wasn't a manic-depressive. In fact I'm a pretty good guy (at last I think I am Hmm I fear that your situation is far to personal for me to be able to give any objective advice. I suggest you listen to other posts. Know that you're only responsible for your own happiness. So make sure whatever you do, you will be happy and respect yourself.

 

Just be careful and understand that your relationship with the new guy won't be a fantasy. You will go through some serious hard times. Your current BF will feel quite betrayed and vengeful. You will have to deal with that in your new relationship. Understand that the grass is hardly greener on the other side...

 

I hope my words have made you think. Think very carefully about your next step. You're treading on very dangerous ground. Good luck, and try to be respectful of everyone's emotions.

[faeriechyld]

First of all, how old are you? Secondly, regardless of your age, your boyfriend needs to deal with his issues. There's a difference between supporting someone in a time of trial and becoming their mother, and I feel as though you are doing the latter. As far as this other guy is concerned, he may be what you need as I feel your boyfriend may need some alone time to sort out his depression and the like. You should not feel as though you have to stay with him because he "needs" you. He needs to continue seeking help and learn to take the medications on a regular basis, otherwise he will have no hope of getting better. I know you love your boyfriend, but it is apparent to me that his emotional problems are draining your feelings in the relationship. Perhaps a new relationship is what you need to refuel. OR maybe you both need time to reassess this relationship. The longer you two stay together and continue this chirade, the worse it will get. He already put your life in danger with his driving. What will happen the next time he "blanks out"??? Don't risk it.

[kdpodus]

Whether or not you choose to leave your boyfriend is based completely on how much more you are willing to put in, and how much you will feel like you will get out. If your boyfriend is in such bad shape, it might be good for you to leave the relationship. This doesn't mean that you have to give up on him, but at the same time, it doesn't mean that you need to be an emotional slave to him. Of course, he doesn't intend to do this. MD is a disease, and he literally can't help it. But he has a lot of basic needs that he must learn to fulfill on his own, without your help. And, it's ok if you step back and say "this is too much for me to deal with."

 

Also, about "Brian..." Now, I don't know you, let alone what you are like...but, it might not be a good idea to just jump into a relationship with another guy so soon. True, your current relationship is in terrible shape, but it is a relationship nevertheless. Ending it will leave you with residual feelings that will carry into the next one. Allow those feelings to come to a resolution first.

 

I hope everything works out for you.

[notherenowhere]

Max1,

 

I'd like to share with you a couple of possibilities.

 

Is it possible that your inner feelings are telling you your bf isn't the right one for you? Maybe all his problems are starting to take its toll on you? Maybe it was time for you to move on? That's why you were starting to develop feelings for this friend?

 

Let's look at the other side. If you feel that things are still okay in your relationship, then you need to be strong. You have a bf and so, how can you let your mind start to wander and develop feelings for someone else? Bluntly said, this shows weakness. Dedicate yourself towards your bf and be loyal. Ask yourself why you chose to be with him in the first place. Aren't both people in a relationship supposed to help and stick by each other no matter what?

[kddmsu]

As faeriechyld did give good advice, I tend to disagree with the stance. It seems that you do have issues with your current b/f, but their is always going to be hards times especially when you are in a long relationship. It sounds like you have given your b/f a tremendous amount of support and I think that you have been more than giving. I think that you need to communicate with your b/f on how you feel on the whole issue, and if he does get attitude tell him that it is draining you. If he isn't willing to work things out with you, then I think that the 2 of you maybe should take a break from each other.

 

As for seeking love with the other guy (and this is where I disagree with faeriechyld), absolutley do not just jump into a new relationship. First off you will completely break all trust with your current b/f. Secondly, all relationships seem so perfect in the beginning but they all have hard times. If you do break up with your b/f, then I think that you need to take time out for yourself as well and decide what is right in your life. This other guy would be the "rebound guy", the person to take the place of the emotional void you would be lacking without your b/f. The only way that you can really learn and fully recover from a broken relationship is to grieve a little, because if you don't it will come back to haunt you eventually. Also, I don't think that it would be fair to the new guy, because you know that you would still have strong feelings for your ex and you wouldn't be able to give your total self to him. With that lacking, it wouldn't be fair to put him in the position of being hurt.

 

I think that you really need to sit and decide what is best for you with or without your b/f. I do feel that you have very strong feelings for your b/f and once you do let him go, I think you will feel like you made the biggest mistake of your life. He will feel betrayed, especially if you go for this other guy, and you stand the chance of losing him forever.

 

You need to think about this before making any rash descions, but at least give your b/f the chance to explain and you as well. The worst relationships can last through anything as long as there is communication!!!

[Turboz]

Hi

 

What a delicate situation you are currently in.

 

1) Your bf is depressive and he is draining you

2) There is someone else that could do you a lot of good

3) You probably feel that you could upset the apple cart if you leave your bf

 

Ok, I'm gonna tell you what I think you should do but please don't take my advice as being the cure - I could be very wrong so use your instincts and judgement.

 

I think you should tell your bf that you cannot cope with his depressive state and that he needs help. Point out to him that it simply is not fair of him to endanger your life and that you cannot continue with the relationship because he is too wrapped up in himself to seek help. Seeing a counsellor when he's out of medication may seem like a wise idea to him, but he needs to see that counsellor on a regular_basis otherwise the effect is minimal. He also must take his medicine on the time schedule that his Dr has prescribed.

Now it sounds to me like you've already pointed these things out to him and the fact that he's refusing to see a counsellor on a regular basis shows a serious lack of respect for you and your health. You shouldn't be exposing yourself to it because you feel you must be there for him. I have suffered from depression and I know how I have affected other people. I also noticed how a lot of them changed towards me when I had been receiving help for several months. Help is what your bf needs and plenty of it.

 

With regards to the other man, I'm not going to say anything except play that one very carefully. I'm not going to suggest that you do or do not date him because thats a very risky game to play after just breaking up with a manic depressive - it's not possible to predict how he will react.

 

Back to your bf. My personal opinion on the matter is that you should get out of the relationship. Tell him that he needs help and he has no right to endanger your life and that because he is showing you no respect that you do not want to continue and that it's over. With any luck this may also give him the wakeup call he needs to get some help.

 

It's easy to get into the depressive groove. They say that variety is the spice of life - It's true. If you do the same old thing day after day you get depressed, drained of mental stimulation and drained of mental energy which is so important to keep happy. I also gather from the symptoms you've described that he may not have much of a social life and not many friends??? (I could be wrong but it would fit the depressive trait).

 

My honest advice is to leave him. Get out before he drags your health down with his. Thats really all I can say without writing an entire book on what it's like to suffer from depression and be treated for it etc.

 

At the end of the day he's not your responsibility. You have your own life and you have the right to enjoy it without being dragged down.

[faeriechyld]

At the end of the day he's not your responsibility. You have your own life and you have the right to enjoy it without being dragged down.

 

Well said. I agree that he is not your responsibility and as he is your boyfriend, you naturally feel drawn to stay with him. You love him and I understand that, but I have gotten the impression(correct me if I am wrong) that you have tried communicating to him that you do not appreciate his actions towards you. I think you should leave this relationship and be on your own for a while.

 

As for the other man, I have personally dealt with a manic depressive (one that did not admit and refused to seek help for it, but anyways) and I too began having feelings for another guy. What started as a rebound relationship turned into a friendly break up, a wonderful friendship and now has returned to a happy state of dating. So, although I understand all the warnings against dating the new guy, in my own personal experience, I have found that it is not always so hard. And yes, every relationship has it's ups and downs, but when the downs begin to outnumber the ups and you do not have a strong commitment (i.e. marriage, child, etc) then I feel it is best to think about your own well being. Realizing this or not, his mental state is affecting your own, and this is obviously not a good thing. Your own health has to come before his. You have sacrificed enough of your energy to him and it is not helping. You cannot be his happiness.

 

In whatever decision you make, I hope you will take caution and think of all outcomes of your decision. Because of the prolonged relationship, I feel that everyone who posted is right in feeling you should be on your own. Just because it worked out great for me, does not mean it will for you, and though everything in my life has finally worked out(I think ), it was not a bed of roses. I wish you luck.

[LilLady]

I think that maybe, you see Brian as a substitute, someone that can give you the things your bf can't. Sometimes it's normal for us to feel like that, especially when problems start to appear with our current relationship. In my opinion, I don't see why you aree holding on to your current relationship, your bf needs treatment, and if he sometimes fails to go, than you shouldn't be with him just because you think he needs you.

You could have been hurt in that car accident, he's not mentally stable, and you should pay attention, since everything he does, can affect you in some way or another. I think it's very dangerous to stay with a guy like that, you said yourself that he has a blank look on his faace, showing that he didn't know what was happening. I suggest you get some professional help from someone you can trust, cos this is a serious problem and it will affect both of you.

Regarding Brian, if you're certain that your feelings for him are true, try to talk with your bf and pay attention how you put the words. Trying out with Brian afterwards, will be a good way to continue your life, and you shouldk have done that a long time ago.

Goodluck for the future, may everythign end well and the better way possible for you