I have trust issues..

[leelee123]

And is affecting my relationship. I am almost 30, boyfriend is 32 and we talk about marriage all of the time. We live together and mostly have a great relationship.

 

Problem is me, I give him such a hard time about things, going out with his friends, etc. Im very unhappy at my job and I think its affecting me everywhere else.

 

Anyways, I just made an appointment with a therapist b/c I think I need to talk to someone. I feel weird about it but I think it'll be good for me and for my relationship.

[kellbell]

Hi leelee!

 

That is wonderful you are seeing a therapist. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it and looking for outside help that has no emotional ties to you or your life can be extremely beneficial. It takes a strong person to ask for help.

 

I suspect you may be carrying some baggage from past relationships that can perpetuate these insecurities and lack of trust in your boyfriend. A therapist will be able to help you with those issues. Let me know how you are doing with that. Take care and wishing you all the best.

[RayKay]

And is affecting my relationship. I am almost 30, boyfriend is 32 and we talk about marriage all of the time. We live together and mostly have a great relationship.

 

Problem is me, I give him such a hard time about things, going out with his friends, etc. Im very unhappy at my job and I think its affecting me everywhere else.

 

Anyways, I just made an appointment with a therapist b/c I think I need to talk to someone. I feel weird about it but I think it'll be good for me and for my relationship.

 

I think it is a wonderful idea to go to therapy to discuss some of these issues and concerns, they may even recommend your bf to come with you at some point so he can also see things from "your side" a bit.

 

The job can definitely be part of it. I know when I am unhappy with my job, it does affect other parts of my life. Why are you unhappy with work? Why don't you look for a change in jobs or go back to school? I know how hard it can be to break out of a rut, but really doing so can be the best thing for you. I have been in some rather "unfulfilling" jobs since I graduated with my BA in 2000, but finally got the courage to go back to school, and am accepted into Law for this September. It will take some sacrifices on my and my live-in boyfriends part, but I am so relieved to be going back and excited..nervous as it will be a big change and financially tough, but excited! I feel better already!

 

Why do you get upset when he goes out, do you just feel insecure? Perhaps because you are unhappy at work, your self esteem lowers so you feel less "valuable" in a sense, and are looking to him for fulfillment and security? These would be good things to address. A past relationship may also sometimes haunt our future relationships if there was cheating/dishonesty etc in the past.

 

It sounds like he loves you, and sees a future with you, so I would look at what might be causing these feelings for sure.

[kmmm730]

thats a good idea.. you dont want to make him feel trapt when u wont let him out with his friends... u need to loosen up a little bit.. seeing a therapist should help you with the stress in your life.

[Boricua7]

I completely understand where you're coming from leelee!

 

You've inspired me to seek counseling with my trust issues. What's the worst that can happen, right?

 

Good luck with everything!

[Dako]

It's great that you recognize the problem before it drags your marriage down. Being suspicious of your spouse is probably the worst poison for a relationship. Without trust, teamwork and freedom just won't happen.

[leelee123]

All of your responses are so warm and re-assuring. Thank you they brought a smile to my face.

 

Firstly, I think its the job and I have been trying to make that change. I've been on so many interviews the past 6 months and no offers which makes me feel worse. I do feel like I am "not worthy" of someone who has their life together so much. He really does, I admire that about him the most, yet wish I could be the same way.

 

The trust is from past relationships and probobly something that happened to me when I was very young. I probobly dont need to spell it out.

 

About 5 years ago I was head over heals in love with someone that totally broke my heart, and maybe I never gave myself time to heal , I kind of jumped into another relationship, that wasn't healthy, at all. And this guy, "saved" me from that and we've been together ever since. He is wonderful, he really is. I dont want to lose him so im doing this. I also want to feel "good" about myself. He's very supportive and I know he would come with me at some point. I know he would.

 

Its just hard I guess b/c I've always been the "strong" one and maybe that has caught up with me.

 

I dont start for 2 weeks now, but will keep you all posted. And if I "inspired" one person to do the same, well it feels worth it already

[kellbell]

Girl,

 

I know exactly how you feel about the frustrations about the job world. I got an advanced degree thinking that will put me ahead of the game....well...it took me a year and a half to find work. I went to many many inteviews. I was getting very frustrated and my self-esteem was getting damaged a bit. So I took a break for a while, to get my bearings and recharge my self esteem and lo-and behold, I received a phone call for an awesome job and got hired. So timing my friend...I know it is hard and the last thing you want to hear but I was in your shoes over two years ago. Don't give up hope and lean on your boyfriend for moral and emotional support. Chin up girl, things will get better.

[arwen]

Hey leelee,

 

I am with you on the frustrating job department as well. In fact I got sacked last way, the job I had was very much NOT wat I want in life, it got me stressed out and depressed. I completely shut down emotionally. I am happy they sacked me, except for finances I am happier than ever. I would have quit anyway after a while. It's worth the trouble to really find out what you like in a job. This current job is giving you the view on what you DON'T like. For me it was the constant nagging of people and the constant ordering around and boring chores. Maybe the therapist can give you clues about how to develop another lifestyle, including a change of jobs. Believe me, if you have any financial space to take a few weeks off, it's worth the trouble. I live on my savings now, and finally have the time to look for the dreamjob which I know is out there.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[leelee123]

Could totally be responsible for my depression. I definitely feel like I might be. Im just in a funk.

 

I guess that makes sense and my boyfriend does understand that. I think it just frustrates him b/c all he wants is a healthy relationship with me.

[arwen]

Yes, of course it could. But we can't judge that, which is why I think it could be wise to look out for other jobs. If you are depressed by another reason, it might also be that the perception of your job is influenced by that. Depression is a nasty war to fight, but I am sure you will conquer. I did, in fact the job I am talking about lasted only for a month and my depression has been beaten longer ago. It was a temporary setback, but a big red flag for me.

 

Keep in mind, your job is what you do every day. It's not just some activity. Earning your bread, ok. But as I have learned the hard way, never trade your soul for money. In what field do you work, and what is it that you want in a job?

 

Ilse

[leelee123]

Customer service really, but I manage accounts so it's a little higher level.

Its my boss and my department though. Totally micro managed. I hate it.

 

I want to train and have some experience, but not enough. Thats the tough part. I should go back to school I guess Im just scared to.

[arwen]

You should talk to RayKay, about taking up studies again. So in fact, you are already working in the field you are trained for, but your dpt is not what you want. For me it was the reverse, I worked at a great place, but the job was awful (for me, I am just not fit for that kind of job).

 

And back to your relationship, you say you have trust issues, how does that come out? Do you and your bf fight often, are there situations where you feel insecure/jealous? We are now talking about you and the job, but of course there could still be things in the relationship that you need to change as well.

 

Ilse

[leelee123]

We have been fighting lately often. It goes in spurts. I dont think that he will "do " anything, but the though of him talking to other girls really bothers me. I do know that he is so frustrated though and that makes me feel bad. I dont want to lose him, but if I were in his position, I would definitely think of leaving me. He says he wants to work on this stuff with me and supports everything I do. Im lucky in that sense.

 

Sometimes when he's out with his friends, I think he will meet someone "better" or more interesting than me. Then he comes home and I ask him "loaded " questoins. Its stupid.

I do think the job thing has something to do with it. I wish I made more money and felt like my skills and brain were being used. Right now its too robotic for me. Im so dynamic and my mind is ALWAYS working. I get bored easily.

 

I do think that being hurt in the past was harmful for me. I have such a hard time just letting it all go and not overthinking things. Deep down I do trust him , I just think if I felt better about myslef, I wouldn't question that he really really wants to be with me. Which I know he does! Its like a vicious cycle.

[RayKay]

 

Sometimes when he's out with his friends, I think he will meet someone "better" or more interesting than me. Then he comes home and I ask him "loaded " questoins. Its stupid.

I do think the job thing has something to do with it. I wish I made more money and felt like my skills and brain were being used. Right now its too robotic for me. Im so dynamic and my mind is ALWAYS working. I get bored easily.

 

I do think that being hurt in the past was harmful for me. I have such a hard time just letting it all go and not overthinking things. Deep down I do trust him , I just think if I felt better about myslef, I wouldn't question that he really really wants to be with me. Which I know he does! Its like a vicious cycle.

 

It's not "stupid", it's just you are feeling down, and in a way I think you are looking for validation.

 

I am the same way as you actually...my mind is always working (my bf tells me the hamster never rests up there!). And it is true, right now, I am also feeling "robotic" at work. And it is why I made choice to go into Law...one, it's challenging and will give me a way to use that brain, two, it's more flexible for me in the long term so I can work from home and have a private practice to raise a family for example, and three, it's something I wanted to do for many years and doing so I think will really help me feel better about myself. Like I am not wasting my talents so much

 

I don't know, I think though at least finding a passion, be it a new job, education or a hobby where you feel you are doing well at could do wonders. Other then the job thing I have a great life - wonderful family, fantastic partner, many interests - I am athletic, fit, a good competitor and a great artist...but that job thing was like the proverbial fly in my soup so to speak! I feel so much better KNOWING I am doing something about it, even if the changes in routine, finances, and worry about being able to do and so far are huge, knowing I am doing something about it feels great.

[leelee123]

But you are right, I am looking for "validation" from him which is silly. I need to figure out a way to validate myself.

 

And he is so doting and loving , amazing really. Im scared to lose him so I need to make things better.

 

I've never cared more about someone in my life.

[arwen]

Girl, you needn't worry now. You have taken the right steps, and it sounds like your man is head over heels with you. You just need to make yourself more happy! I recognize again what you say about your job. It took me only a month to feel completely bored, numbed and depressed from my latest jobadventure. I felt like I was wasting my brains and in fact I was. I was bossed around by people who were obviously not on the same wavelength, and I was much too brainy for the job. I think feeling like your talent is wasted is the BEST reason to find another place to work or to re-educate yourself. Or if you're like me, combine to two in going to gradschool (it's different here in Holland, a PhD is a job here, with a salary and no scholarship?).

 

ilse

[leelee123]

My boss is kind of stupid, she askes me questions all of the time and micro manages b/c she's afraid to let her employees make decisions.

 

Its like im confined 8 hours a day to her ignorance.

 

Really taking a toll on me mentally.

[kellbell]

Ugggh!! Micro-managing. That's the worst. That will drive any sane person out of his or her mind. I feel your pain! (((hugs)))

[leelee123]

I am the "lead" rep so they all come to me instead of her b/c she just asks stupid questions and makes them duplicate their efforts.

 

In that respect, I feel good b/c I know the "little people" (for lack of a better term) respect me and think Im good at what I do.

 

Im on the lookout and actually workign with a recruiter too. So between that and some therapy sessions, hopefully i'll be feeling better in no time.

[arwen]

leelee, I am sure you will feel lots better when you work on a career change. I know when I signed my first contract, I felt very stuck. Like I signed for life. Mind you, I was sacked after a month! They don't expect you to do this for a life time, and I think it's a big red flag when you say 'I am confined to her ignorance for 8 hours a day'. I felt the exact same way. I got hired by a great person, there was an instant click. She got another job the day I started, and they hadn't informed me about this. So the woman she was replaced by, me and her: a match made in hell. A bossy, noisy cow. I am so relieved to NOT work there anymore, even after a month I felt I was dying inside.

 

The working with a recruiter seems a great plan. Looking for jobs is quite easy nowadays. I have agents on monsterboard, virtual agents who select vacancies by keywords. The emails with vacancies contain a lot of crap, but there are things there!

 

Ilse