Need help! A rock and a hard place..

[Deveryn]

Hey all.

My girlfriend and I have been going out for almost 11 months and I'm a little worried about this recent argument we've been having..

We have a long-distance relationship and most of the time do just fine, but recently she has been going out with this guy as a friend fairly frequently (every other to every three days or so, spending most of the evening with him) which bothered me a lot because she is getting really close to him..

 

I expressed how I was feeling about it, and she started to lower the amount of time she was spending with him (it was getting to the point of almost every day and /all/ evening was spent with him)

Today is when the piano fell on my head =(

 

Well, she lives in this apartment that is too big for her and is high in cost to the point where she can live there but can't save for much of anything, and she's been talking of moving to another place.. Basically, if you haven't guessed already, she actually suggested moving in with this guy.

She listed all the reasons it would be great, like 1) lots of extra money to save for when she takes trips to me 2) cable internet and tv so we can watch together 3) lots of good things about the apartment but doesn't seem to see what an effect this would have on us...

 

She came to me to ask if it would be ok, and I honestly have NO idea what to say. I REALLY do not want her to move in with him, I don't think our relationship would last through that... so I told her, it would be incredibly hard to keep our relationship going if she was to do that.

 

The next day I found out she actually had told him about the problems I've expressed with her hanging out with him so frequently!

I was completely floored by this because I feel like she has broken my trust in telling him this..she's done this once in the past also, with another friend, telling them things I told her in private that obviously belong only between us.

 

Can anyone please help me on this? Should I tell her to move there or stay? Is it wrong to have a huge problem with this? Would I be controlling if I said that it wouldn't be good for our relationship if she moved there?

Please, please help me

[CarnelianButterfly]

Girls can have close male friends that they don't sleep with... Case in point my best friend knows what color my vibrator is but we've never had any sheet time. You don't have the right to restrict her friendships either. She may have told her friend about your problem with him to explain why she couldn't spend time with him or live with him. How would you feel if your close friend said 'we can't spend time together' with no explanation. As for her living with him, doesn't mean she's goin sleep with him either. I lived with 2 guys at the same time and guess what didn't sleep with them.

 

It doesn't sound so much like her friendship wouldn't be good for your relationship so much as your jealousy and trust issues are. Maybe you need to take a good look at how your treating her and figure out how you can let her live her life the way she wants to.

[DN]

Having a close male friend is one thing - moving into the same apartment with him when they already spend so much time together is something else.

 

This isn't controlling - it's normal and I am amazed she could be so insensitive as to even suggest it.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Why is it that women can't live with men they aren't involved with? Is it that you think we're so weak minded that we can't possibly handle ourselves alone? Do we have to be supervised and cottled to make sure we behave to your expectations?

[DN]

It's not a gender issue at all, so please don't try to make it one. It is an issue of respect for a partner's concerns. I would give the same advice if the genders were reversed.

 

I can't think of many people who would be happy with their partner living in the same house as someone with whom they already spend a great deal of time particularly when there is a long distance relationship. Let's deal with human nature not incorrectly perceived gender slights.

[Ms Omaniac]

i would have a huuuuge problem with that. i understand having close male friends. my best friend in the world is male. but one thing that is VERY obvious is that we are just friends. not a single guy ive dated ever got the vibe that we could be a couple.

but youre getting strange vibes. and your gut/instincts are telling you something is fishy. and to me...it sounds fishy. i surely dont hang out every few days with my best friend...we talk or email. but the constant hanging around...noooo. that sounds like she is beginning to need him more because she's with him more. and that to me is a huge red flag.

i also think she might be falling for this guy or this guy is falling for her or both. the fact they confide a lot in each other...not good. my ex left me for a girl that started out just friends for them. and they kept getting closer and closer till he finally cheated on me and then left me for her.

[lunatic]

Why is it that women can't live with men they aren't involved with? Is it that you think we're so weak minded that we can't possibly handle ourselves alone? Do we have to be supervised and cottled to make sure we behave to your expectations?

 

You know that was pretty harsh pointing at DN like that. I too agree with DN that it is not right for her to move in wit this guy after her BF told her how uncomfortable he is with this man spending everyday with her. To be honest I would HAVE A MAJOR problem with it. The major point that she is moving in with this guy even after her bf told her how uncomfortable he is with it.

 

Why would you take DN's comment so personally? I think if you put yourself into this poor mans shoes you would have a problem with this move too. It's easy to say something when your not in the position and there are no feelings attached.

[Ms Omaniac]

Carnelian

i agree with you in the sense you should be able to trust your partner. and they should trust you. and if they are living with the opposite sex...that also is understandable that they have the ability to control themselves.

i actually lived with my best friend for 2 years no problemo.

but i also believe that Deveryn has reason to be upset because it appears that his gf and this other guy have something that is being developed that looks fishy. she is giving him more and more reasons to make him insecure and it's not right.

the way you treat someone that you like and someone that is your friend are different. it sounds like this "friend" is slowly gaining ground that once belonged to soley Dev. that would make ANYONE insecure. and then they want to live together? the temptation to me would be too great and the feelings between those two would get more and more intense. i dont see any good coming of it.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I'm sorry if I'm overly harsh, I'm currently angry at a guy so that does temper my mood. But I'm not fond of BF/GF telling there partners to give up time with their friends. If this is a long distance relationship, she's probably very lonely. I've been supportive of a guy(not the one I'm angry at) friend whose GF had no problem with our relationship, even though she's 2000miles away. She trusted him enough that when we were thinking about moving in together, she saw it as a way he could save money to spend on plane tickets. If you think she's not trustworthy then do you need to continue to be with her. From your other post this sounds like its been a long term problem.

[lunatic]

I'm sorry if I'm overly harsh, I'm currently angry at a guy so that does temper my mood. But I'm not fond of BF/GF telling there partners to give up time with their friends. If this is a long distance relationship, she's probably very lonely.

 

 

See we agree with each other on that point. The sad fact that Deveryn only complained about this situation because of all the time they spend together. It could be a man or woman in this situation and I would give the same advice. I think when your with someone and your in love one should be able to make compromises. You know pick your battles wisely. Isn't that what a relationship is about love, respect, honesty, and compromise?

[PocoDiablo]

I'd be incredibly upset too, if I were in your shoes, except for ONE thing: She told him about the problems you're having. He's her therapist and is trying to listen to her, be her friend, and (probably) get her to dump you in hopes of getting together with her. Problem is that he's an idiot and doesn't realize that he's not following the normal steps to courtship and has already identified himself as a sexually ambiguous child, not a sexually mature man. He can try to do everything to sabatoge your relationship with her, but it will reflect poorly on him and your GF will realize he's a sneaky and malicious person, and probably won't get involved with him at any point in the future.

 

In case you haven't guessed, this guy is so far friendzoned that the two of them will never hook up like he wants to (and hopes) because your girlfriend is treating him like a girlfriend. He'll try to put moves on her sooner or later, and it will cause a lot of grief, and your GF probably does not understand what is going on.

 

Me? I'd tell her that getting a roommate is a great idea, but if she wants to move in with another guy that she should consider that a major sign of disrespect for your relationship and you'll officially end things. Don't get crazy about it, don't lose your cool. Be calm, collected, mature and just put it straight out. She'll get upset, but I would recommend you put your foot down and let her know that you have standards and expectations for how you are treated in a relationship, and if she wants to be with you she needs to understand them.

 

By showing you have the courage and backbone to stand up to her doing something that is going to destroy the relationship for YOU it proves you are a more mature and worthy partner. Do it carefully, kindly, and calmly and you should get good results.

 

And, for the record, the more you argue about it the more you will push her away. All you need to do is tell her simply "You know what? You're an adult and you can make your own decisions. But I will also make mine, and I think it's completely disrespectful of any woman to live with another man and date me. So, do what you have to do, but don't be surprised when I take care of myself first and foremost."

[DN]

I'm sorry if I'm overly harsh, I'm currently angry at a guy so that does temper my mood. But I'm not fond of BF/GF telling there partners to give up time with their friends. If this is a long distance relationship, she's probably very lonely. I've been supportive of a guy(not the one I'm angry at) friend whose GF had no problem with our relationship, even though she's 2000miles away. She trusted him enough that when we were thinking about moving in together, she saw it as a way he could save money to spend on plane tickets. If you think she's not trustworthy then do you need to continue to be with her. From your other post this sounds like its been a long term problem.

I agree that it is entirely possible to have platonic friends of the other gender. And, ordinarily no one should be told to give up their friends.

 

But even if the platonic friend were of the same gender, there might be an issue if one's partner were to spend an inordinate amount of time with that friend to the exclusion of time and emotional involvement with other partner. No sexual jealousy but a concern on whether you were as important as the friend to the partner.

 

Now make that a friend of the other gender, and add in an LDR and you should be able to see why there is a major problem.

 

As an aside: I understand that your feelings are strong and you may be hurting; but this is a forum for people to get advice - good, solid, unbiased advice. If you allow your personal situation and feelings about your own issues to unduly influence your advice it is not really in the best interests of the person you are trying to help. The proper place to vent those feelings would be in a thread of your own.

[lunatic]

As an aside: I understand that your feelings are strong and you may be hurting; but this is a forum for people to get advice - good, solid, unbiased advice. If you allow your personal situation and feelings about your own issues to unduly influence your advice it is not really in the best interests of the person you are trying to help. The proper place to vent those feelings would be in a thread of your own.

 

I could not have said that better myself DN.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I feel like an a** actually and really should have deleted that post as soon as I sent it. My apologies.

[DN]

no problems from me - when you are hurting it is easy to say things you regret. Been there, done that.

[lunatic]

Not a biggie and I am glad you did not take it to the flaming level CarnelianButterfly. Everyone has said things to someone they did not mean when they are hurting. It is totally natural and understandable.

[Scout]

Hmmm, interesting opinions here. On the one hand, I would feel very threatened and insecure if my boyfriend was going to move in with someone who's relationship with her I already didn't trust.

 

But on the other hand, Carnelian makes a very valid point: if you have recurring trust issues with someone, it's time to either banish them once and for all or leave the relationships.

 

Because this problem might go away, but another one will just take its place at some point.

[DN]

Trust is necessary but can be imposed upon. Let's not forget that huge numbers of people admit to cheating, so absolute trust is hard to come by given our knowledge of human nature and weakness when faced with temptation.

[Scout]

Let's not forget that huge numbers of people admit to cheating, so absolute trust is hard to come by given our knowledge of human nature and weakness when faced with temptation.

 

Ha! That's the sad truth. I know, I have a gem of a boyfriend now...one of the kindest, most decent people I've ever met. But just because I've been "surprised" by other people's actions in the past - people I never expected to do wrong by me - I still take everything said with a grain of salt. A very, very tiny grain, but a grain nevertheless.

 

And yeah, I did agree that this situation would be very upsetting for me. I wouldn't be able to give it a greenlight, I don't think.

[Ms Omaniac]

Carnelian

Im actually glad you chose to not delete your posts.

I really do like seeing a wide range of opinions. it's interesting to see also how one bad act can really scar a person and change their attitudes and views. it's also nice to see when someone like you realize you spoke too soon and realize why you were so harsh about it. it's a learning experience for you to see your reaction and a learning experience from someone like me to see that you have had a couple of hard knocks from a situation like that...and to not prejudge you so harshly.

i actually agree with you to an extent. you SHOULD be able to trust your partner. but when your partner's actions become more questionable...that's when the awful insecurities start and you have to start thinking if this relationship is still the same and if it's still as rewarding.