Well, It's Over. I am torn

[romanticlover]

Well, to all who have been following my posts through the last few weeks, I have news for you all. My relationship that I have been working on, devoting my feelings, trying to work on myself for her , giving up my time, emotions, sacrifices, accepting, coping, loving, truthful, honest, caring is now over..... We had a long talk today and I realized this is the same scenario that happened 3 years ago when we were together. She felt things weren't going right, she said she needed her space, then I gave it to her, then she ended it.

After a long discussion, of her basically saying that she wasn't ready for a relationship, hanging out for 3 months, then I asked her to be my girfriend, she said yes, went with it all this time, then now tell sme she wasn't ready for this much??????? How selfish is that. I keot asking her if we are broken up now, are we taking time, etc etc....she couldn't give me a direct answer. She said she can't tell. We got back together a second time, maybe it could happen again, but for now, I need my time alone and for myself. Honestly some of it I understand, but some I don't. She said she was getting over a relationship when we got back together, and she needs to work that out??? How could you say you love someone, but still be thinking of a past relationship.

I can understand someone needing space, but don't drag me into a relationship, then tear me apart and say you aren't now and need to be alone and just break my heart.

I know we have major differences, things have been going bad, and it's hard fo rme to see that sometimes and I just look at the positive. She even asked me, why do you want to be miserable, unhappy, unsatisfied? Why am I with her if I am like that. I told her cause it was my love for her and our connection. Basically I said a ton of positive things and tried to point out the good, but she was all about the negative and herself. So I know deep down I deserve better and for someone that will appreciate me, give back the same, and just not take my kindness for granted. I honestly give up hope many times about finding someone like that.

So now I am here, heartbroken, thinking of all the things I miss about her. I'm gonna torture myself with reading cards, emails, text messages, etc. Gonna be very hard. BUt I thank you guys for following my posts and giving your advice. I guess I need to just heal now.

[skyjuice]

Hi.

 

Sorry to hear that you had been in a rocky relationship.

How old are both of you?

Is she still young and want to explore more?

Is it because she wanted you to be a happy person?

Try to find out what makes you miserable or unhappy. Fix it if you can. However, bad things that are out of your control, knowing that you have try your very best to reduce the bad things, give it a rest.

[ShySoul]

Hi romantic lover. I just skimmed through some of your recent posts, and I think this might be best for you both.

 

After a long discussion, of her basically saying that she wasn't ready for a relationship, hanging out for 3 months, then I asked her to be my girfriend, she said yes, went with it all this time, then now tell sme she wasn't ready for this much??????? How selfish is that

 

If I'm reading this correctly, she told you she wasn't ready before hand, but then changed her mind and agreed to be your girlfriend after you asked again. That's not selfish, although in your hurt and feelings right now it seems to be. From the start she was unsure, but she liked you enough to give it a try. This isn't about you and doesn't mean she likes you less, I'm sure she does really care about you. But her heart wasn't completely in it, as much as she tried to make it.

 

She said she was getting over a relationship when we got back together, and she needs to work that out??? How could you say you love someone, but still be thinking of a past relationship.

 

When you come out of a really serious relationship, it stays with you. You can develop feelings for another person, but still not be over the ex. I've found someone that I can say I love, because of who she is and how much she means to me, having helped me out through a lot of rough times. But I've come out of a bad situation a few months ago with another girl. As much as I might care for the new girl, as much as I might love her, I still think of the previous girl and I am not over her. I wouldn't get involved with the new girl (and we can't for several reasons), but that doesn't stop the way I feel. Emotions are complex and tricky. She probably did love you, but the scars from before were still with her and she wasn't ready to move on. She thought she was, but she wasn't. It's not exactly fair to you, but its understandable how she could feel that way.

 

I can understand someone needing space, but don't drag me into a relationship, then tear me apart and say you aren't now and need to be alone and just break my heart.

 

Most break ups end with at least one person feeling this way. It stinks and I wish that wasn't true. I had my heart ripped out from me (you read a little of it own the post I made, there is a lot more I could say). It left me crying all night long. It made me sick to my stomach. And it left me crying for nights on end, reaching out as if to hold her when there was no one there. It hurts. Right now you are experiencing a mix of hurt and anger. That's ok, go with it. Let it out. In time you can see things a little clearer and it won't be as bad. It still hurts, just you deal with it better.

 

She even asked me, why do you want to be miserable, unhappy, unsatisfied? Why am I with her if I am like that. I told her cause it was my love for her and our connection. Basically I said a ton of positive things and tried to point out the good, but she was all about the negative and herself.

 

Are we talking about the same girl?

 

I always was there to comfort her and help her. But she had low self esteem and issues over past relationships. She would say things like what do you see in me, or that she isn't a good friend and I deserve better. But I didn't want anyone but her. She couldn't see that though. It's hard, you see something great in her, love her like crazy, but can't do a thing as her feelings and fears get all mixed up and ruin things.

 

So I know deep down I deserve better and for someone that will appreciate me, give back the same, and just not take my kindness for granted. I honestly give up hope many times about finding someone like that.

 

Same here. All I know though is that somewhere out there, someday, we will find someone better. It may take time, and we might get sick of the wait, but we will find her. For now, take your time to heal and do't worry about it. You have been through a lot, and for now its best to just take a break from the whole ordeal.

 

If you want to talk about this, or anything else you ever need help with, you can talk to me. You were there for me when I needed it, so I'll gladly be there for you.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

>>How could you say you love someone, but still be thinking of a past relationship

 

Just like to say....easily. I am in a very good relationship right now , but I am still in love with my ex, I always will be. Its entirely possible to be in love with more than one person at once...its one RELATIONSHIP at once you should stick to!

[romanticlover]

Shy, thanks a lot my friend. ABout this being the same girl, lol. Don't think so. She never had low self esteem, if anything she is more independent and strong willed. She was sure of herself and it was you like me for how I am and that's it. Me on the otehr hand seemd a lot more willing to change for her and the relationship. Some of the things I needed to work on were better for me as a person I feel, and made me stronger, but also were what she wanted. She kept saying that the relationship was work and she didn't wan't to be in one now or for a while. You see, if you knew what I sacrificed, put up with, mourned over, gave up, etc etc for this girl, you would realize that she was selfish in her own way. All I kept talking about was what we had we needed to hold onto, and all she kept telling me was the negative qualities I had and our relationship. She said she might gain her feelings back and she might not. She was more of a "wing it" type of person. She said do what I got to do to move on and just live my life and we may cross paths together again. She is my friend, etc etc....but you know what, she is friends with all her ex's and to be honest, I am not really interested in having her as a friend now because of what she did to me last night and over the last month or 2. She made me suffer and wait by going with her flow, her moods, when she wanted * * * *, dragged me around to then tell me she isn't ready for all this and she wasn't ready for a relationship all along, tore my heart to pieces, but then tells me we just need time alone. She doens't know how long, just needs it. Part of me says to go with the whole if we were meant to be thing it will happen. Well since this is the second time we got backtogether, it's gonna be hard for me not to have hope yet again. Soo much time went on, and when I would see her, I would get allllll these feelings back and so would she. I told her that is what I held onto and kept me around. We could go 4 months w/out seeing one another, yet when we did, it was like we reunited. This si going to be really hard for me as it still hasn't set in yet. I feel like I am in shock. I had a huge valentine's day planned also for her. Totally was going to pamper her and make her feel great. What a waste now. I have spent soo much money already. And last night she said, well I don't know about valentine's day, we will just have to see and wait. See the head games this girl plays? She couldn't even give me a direct answer when I asked her if we were over or not. All she kept saying wass I don't know. Well I really need to look at this in a growing experience and realize I dont deserve that.

[stolenshadow]

Don't torture yourself over this girl, you already had a lot of suffering out of this relationship, don't you think?.

 

I'm shocked you still talk to her, then she says the "I don't know" which clearly means "I do know I want everything you can keep giving me without making a commitment to you". You need to look after yourself, money comes and goes, your stability doesn't.

I think the problem was you were too positive and she was too negative, maybe from now on you can try to be more neutral and objective.

[romanticlover]

I am so tempted to look at her text messages, her emails, pictures, etc. Anything that reminds me of her. To go from every day hearing someone say they love and miss you to nothing at all is devistating. Somehow I get the feeling that she is not nearly as upset about all of this as I am. She seems to wrapped up in her feelings not to even think of me or even be upset, miss me , etc. Now I am hre thinking she will call, miss me and I just feel like it's gonna happen any second. Why does this happen to me, especially the second time with this girl. I find myself heartbroken again. I look back and feel I could have dine things differently, I made efforts, but she didn't give me a chance to. I bought books on love, posted on this forum, made many efforts to work on this, and all out of my love for her, but seems as if she doesn't care enough me or the relationship to feel the same, or put the same into this. I am so upset right now as I loved this girl so much, as she loved me. She wrote me a card about a month ago saying that we were meant for eachother and how she thanks me for putting up with her issues. Well that must have been all a lie if she now changed her mind. I just take this so personally as I meant nothing but the best for her and us. Why do I have to go through this and I feel like I will never get over this or her, especially when she said who knows what will happen. I hate this feeling. I feel betrayed and abandoned by someone I thought loved and respected me, the relationship the same way I do.

[arwen]

Hey romantic lover,

 

I know you are going through one of the hardest time you will have in life. Breakups plainly suck. In the end, they make you stronger, and it will get better... I promise you. You say you are tempted to look at her messages and emails. I think the best thing I ever did was putting all stuff that reminded me of the ex, in one box. Of course this was in the Middle Ages, and there were no emails or text messages.

 

Don't throw any valuable thing away. But keep them out of your sight. I burnt one picture when the sadness became madness. In fact being mad/angry was hell of a lot better than just crying all the time.

 

You have tried 2 times with this girl. I had a similar situation going on with my first ex. He also told me he 'wasn't ready'. And he moved on with another girl he had probably fallen in love with during the last session of breakup/makeup. So I can relate to all of what is going through your mind. Believe me, after a few months I realized my life was much better without him. He was the love of my life, but not anymore. I have had relationships after that, I have developed myself and became a person I like far better than the sad version of me I was with him.

 

This is all to say that things will be better in time. There is a great post about the aftermath of a breakup, right here in this subforum. I saw it was 'upped' again yesterday, and last year it has been a sticky for a while. Read it, and you will find it helps.

 

Ilse

[romanticlover]

Thanks, What was the name of the post? The hardest thing I am coping with is that I have this feeling she will call me and things will have a chance again. I know deep down that she may not be right for me, but then again I think she is. I hope this time away will make her miss me and realize what she had. I've been crying and triing to let it out, and it's not easy. I am trying not to blame myself and thinking of ways that could have kept her from having to do this break off. I started to change but seems like she didn't give me time or a chance. Kinda selfish on her part. I'm just really upset and I know these are rough times. See after our break up a few years ago, I did move on, only thing that brought us back together was seeing eachother and realizing we still had this amazing connection. After all teh girld I dated after we broke up, none of them gave me that connection on that level. Thsi is what I am afraid of to be honest. I don't want to kssp holding on to that feeling, knowing it's always gonna be there. Tough for me

[arwen]

This is the link to that post. I know your thoughts at this point merely evolve around what SHE is feeling, if she is doing better. I don't know if it is of any comfort, but the time I broke up with someone, I was really depressed about it. Also for the dumper, this can be a very very hard and confusing time. When they move on to someone else, it's probably because they think they will forget the pain/guilt that way.

 

However, in time, I hope the focus of your thoughts will become your own life. Because in the end, your life is about you, and not her. She will be a part of your history, which is why the whole staying in touch is not a good thing. There is a song of the band Garbage that describes this very well. I will look up the title for you.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[romanticlover]

Wow Ilse, that was a great post. Really good information. You see, deep down, and especially as we get older ( I am 31), we know what we need to do to heal, move on, nc, don't stalk, mope......all these things we know deep down. Well especially I do because this is the second time this girl has done this. I just need to come to terms that she will bring me way down, despite the love and connection we had. I have been in tears the last few days. Many of my friends just can't believe that I would give my heart to someone so cold, selfish, self centered as her, yet she gave me something that I haven't felt in many years. Love. You know they say you end up with the ones that treat you bad, and dump the nice ones. That always is the case with many relationships. I guess it's like that in the 20s-30s. I realized that my gf ex's were the types of guys that were super laid back, went with the flow, had no lives, careers, not nearly as emotional, the bad boys players, and I honestly am the opposite. I think because of my kindness and being so outward about it has pushed her away. And because she treats me like this, it makes me want to crawl back. I don't know why the mind or heart worls thsi way but it does. I really see black and white on how I have been miserable with her, yet happy. I can easly focus on the positive and oversee the negative. She can't. Our minds think differently. When we were breaking up. I was pouring my heart out to her, my soul, what made me happy, and not once did she have any similiar comments. She only focused on the negative and how we were different and that she didn't know what it takes to work things out.

I have had thoughts of just chilling out, living my life with the hopes and comfort we will be together again soon, but at times I feel that we shouldn't be together cause we both will be unhappy. I read a card and email she wrote me and they both said that she is willing to work things out, work through our troubles, work on the future if I was. How I was the one for her and she me. How could she say that and then tell me she needs time to herself? Why is it that after 3 years, we could still revive the feelings from the past about how we felt and still act on them. To me that is unique and special. And for some reason that is very hard to let go. Also it is something I have never experienced before. It seems that I have the solutuion to this relationship, but she didn't even give me a chance to prove it. See, here I go blaming myself because of how she made me feel and how she kept telling me how I made her upset, changed who I was for her, and yet she did absolutely none of that for me. It's so easy for me to blame myself. The more I write about this, the more I can see things clearly. Part of me would be happy just seeing her not as often, yet still sharing that bond/connection. I feel strong yet lost. Like my life can't go on, and I can't let go of the deep love we have for eachother. I know I have to start to move on. I had plans for valentines day and have spent a ton of money on it already. I was soo looking forward to that evening. Should I just cancel it? When we broke up she said she was not sure about that day and to just see what happens. I have 24 hours be4 to cancel the event so. Anyways, i'll try to hang in there and be strong.

[sukerbut]

hey man, i just want to throw my two cents in as well..i will be 31 in a couple of months as well..she was 23..she did this to me as well...dumped me four years ago..but i understood since she was very young..we never talked after that! then 2 years agao we run into each other..casually date for 7 months..she decides last new years that she wants to be with me and only me..believe me i was very hesitant..but she assured me that if she did not see herself marrying me she would not get involved ... i was still very hesitant...i did not trust her..in any facet! but eventually she started to deliver and prove herself to me...so like an idiot i started falling for her hard..AGAIN! she introduced me to alll her family as her future hubby etc..4 months ago...after i dropped 4 g's to take that leech on vacation..she busts the infamous line she used last time..i just dont love you liek you love me..actually i dont even love you any more, you are some one special to me, but i cant say i love you..and then had the audacity to call me every other week and try to be my frined becasue i told her it was ok and i understood....its been 4 motnhs and i am feeling much much better. things will get easier. i just wanted to share my story cause it was very similar to yours...bamboozled yet again

[romanticlover]

Wow. Thanks and sorry you went through that. Yeah I'm in the early stages of this even though it happened once already. I guess if you break up once cause of differences, then twice, 3 times won't make a charm. I just have to hang in there. On her myspace profile, which she has been on since we broke up, it still says we are together and has pics of us up still. Wonder what that means. Hmmm

[arwen]

I know I have to start to move on. I had plans for valentines day and have spent a ton of money on it already. I was soo looking forward to that evening. Should I just cancel it? When we broke up she said she was not sure about that day and to just see what happens. I have 24 hours be4 to cancel the event so. Anyways, i'll try to hang in there and be strong.

 

Well, you have answered your own question prior to putting it here, you have to move on. So please cancel this whole Valentine thing, for your own sake. Believe me, it will hurt to do so, but it will be a symbol of your first step of moving on. It might sound harsh, but SHE is not your Valentine now. There will be another one for you. She is already walking on the planet at this moment, who knows you might meet her very very soon

 

Ilse

[romanticlover]

Ok. I am just afraid that my ex might call me and say something positive. See being the way I am, I need to know what is going on right at that moment. Are we together, are we just taking time away, what is going on. It's hard for me to deal with her go with the flow kinda thing. She told me, do what you have to do. So she obviously is giving me freedom to live my own life as she probably doesn't really care and is not thinking about getting back. Then on the other hand, I find it hard to believe that someone could say and act this way when she has been telling me she loves and misses me every day. I sit here wishing I knew what she was thinking every day, every minute. Does she miss me, still love me, want to get back....It's really hard. I just feel like I need to make up my mind instead of not being sure what to do. Do I move on and assume it's over now and in the future? Face the fact we are not meant to be? OR base my feelings on what we did have, that connection, that love we shared, many other things. The whole valentines day thing, I sit here hoping she will call me so I can take her, but then I wonder what that will do. I will honestly only take her if she really opens up and really pours out her heart to me by saying she is ready to work on this relationship for us and for the future. Unless she actually realizes and wants me in her life, I am going to have to think she doesn't. But the problem is that it was left unclear as to what was going to happen. I mean If I cut it black and white, she kinda made it clear she just wants to b friends now. So I guess I need to stop thinking she is still my girlfriend even though she said she may just need time to herself. She still has on her myspace that we are together. I hate this.....

[sukerbut]

dude listen to me caaancel !!! when she broek up with me ..we decided to stay friends with benefits..a week after we broke up she called me crying it was a columbus day monday...she and her mother had a huge blowout..she came over i took care of her..she loved me like she used to..she was just using me as an emotional blanket..the next mornign she called me and thanked me 100 times..yeah i get it b!!!h this was a one time thing .. she made me feel so used, cheap, and uncofortable..i had hopes for us..in my head i was going to win her back..i had a special weekend planned for us..was going to take her to a very romantic rest..then the next day i was going to take her to a spa..becasue i knew she was stressed due to the fact that her home life was a bit hectick and that she could not get a job..well after that monday night actually tuesday morning when she made me feel like crap i decided that i would not be her entertainment ... she came over crying , used me emotionally physically..whatever..i said to my self F this manipulative leech. so you want me to spend cash on you..take you to fancy rest..screw you and you dont want to be my girl...CANCEL!!!!

[romanticlover]

wow.....sounds like the same girl. I got her a gift certificate at a spa also to try to relax her as well as reservations at a Manor for dinner. I'm really tempted to write her a long email about my feelings, about breaking off valentines day, etc etc....I feel like I need to let it out. Kind of emotionally break it off I guess and start to rebuild my life. Then part of me feels the hope and love. I know she is not the type to use me for a 1 night fling, I just know her. I'm just wondering If I keep it in my heart to just hold on to the feelings that are still there. Do I tell her I want to just casually date her. I'm trying to hold onto these feelings I guess. I don't want to let them go. Even if it just seeing her once or twice a week. I just don't want to let go. But I am still unsure about her. Do I send the the official break up email? Do I try to communicate with her? I am lost on this.....Just ride it out and assume it's over? I'm sorry to keep this up, but times are tough for me.

[romanticlover]

Interesting. I just found out that last night she went to a local bar. She tells me she needs time to work on her issues and her life, yet she always finds time to go out and have fun adn think of herself. I am home feeling broken hearted, upset and obviously she is not. The guy I talked to said he was surprised I wasn't with her. I said what did she say? He said thay she told him I was home sleeping. He is a pretty good friend of hers, and she didn't even tell him that we broke up. What is that supposed to mean? She is not telling people that it's over even her good friend. What bugs me is that she probably isn't even upset about all this. This guy said to give her space and she will come around and come back to me. I am not sure about this. What do I think now? Just as I am trying to get over her, I hear this. IS she just being selfish and cold hearted? Is there hope for us? Do I wait for her? Do I continue to tell myself it's over? UGHHHHH

[ShySoul]

romanticlover,

 

She sounds more like my girl then you might think. Mines also had an independent streak and wanted things her way. But under that was a lack of confidence that I managed to see in her. Which made it very difficult to deal with. Sometimes it was what she wanted, other times I had to be the one to do everything. But how do you know what mood she is in? She even said to me that I understood her like no one else ever has, was able to see things in her she didn't want to see. Which made it all the more frustrating. So it was an up and down ride, that played with emotions.

 

Your girl probably has a level of insecurity as well, its just not as clear and she's not as willing to face it. You are right, she was selfish. She shouldn't have treated you like she did. She should have had more respect for your feelings and been ready to work things out. There were probably warning signs along the way, but you didn't see them because of how much you wanted it to work. That's all ok, when you love someone, you believe it will work out and things will get better. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. And right now you are hurt, angry, and upset. You don't feel like having anything to do with her, wonder why you ever liked her to begin with. Go with your feelings. Let it all out. Take time away if you need to. But eventually, you'll probably want to be friends again. Time tends to lessen these feelings, let the initial shock, hurt, and anger fade. And then you can be friends again.

 

As for where you stand, I think its a breakup. Don't expect anything in the way of romance, and if you talk it is probably meant to be just as friends. The door has been left open in case things change in the future, but for know its best to keep it strickly as friends. And if it hurts you to be around her much, might even take a break from that. It's what I did and why I recommended the letter. On the phone it dissolved into her yelling. Letter gets everything out and she doesn't have a chance to interrept. And even though not everything was settled, it gave me a sense of closure that I needed to feel. Take time apart if that will help. Or stay friends. But don't fall into the trap of trying to keep a relationship going when you know it will just lead to arguing and you ending up hurt. No one wants to face this, I stil cling to some hope. But eventually we all have to start on the path of accepting it, even if it is slow, one day at a time, and we experience relapses regularly.

 

Hang in there friend.

[patience]

romantic,

 

If a male friend of yours came to you with a similar story, what would your advice to him be?

 

Treat yourself with as much love and kindness as you show to others.

 

On an intellectual level, you clearly know what's what. You know that she is selfish, has used you, is not being completely honest, is not consistent with you, etc. On an emotional and psychological level, you are still very attached, very bonded, to her...or rather to who you thought/wish she was.

 

Words are just words. Are her actions loving? No! Pay attention to her actions. Talk is cheap with selfish people. Her words seems to mean very little.

 

At one time, she may have indeed been 'in love', but I don't think she experiences love as deeply as you do. Apples and oranges, y'know.

 

I think you know that the two of you are not compatible enough for this to ever work out.

 

I suggest deleting all of the emails, ecards, etc. You are torturing yourself by reading them. If you must keep them, print them out, then delete them from your computer. Put everything in a box, out of sight, out of mind....better yet, have a fire and burn it all. Release it all.

 

You don't have to stop loving her, but it would be in your best interests it seems, to stop interacting with her. You can keep her in your thoughts and prayers if that feels right for you...but anything more than that seems to be causing you a great deal of distress.

 

She might be commitment phobic...you mentioned she has 'issues', well that doesn't bode well if she isn't actively working on those issues.

 

You deserve better than this! Seriously, you do! You KNOW you are worthy of being truly loved. This young woman cannot, is not, and will not give you what you want and need. Don't settle! Honour who you truly are, and the right people for you will be on your path.

[romanticlover]

Wow Shy and patience, thank you so much for the support. I feel liek crying just reading what you guys wrote lol. You guys have shown more interest and passion for me and my problems than this girl has. Patience, what you said is very important and very touching. Saying that I deserve better than this means a lot to me. I had a broken childhoos, was adopted and this stems to my feelings. When I feel love for a woman, which is rare, I tend to cling on to it with dear life. I give all I can without boundries and to some women, like my ex now, gets smothered by that. And since she wasn't giving as much as me, or in her own way I should say, it caused problems between us cause we were different. Her upbringing stems from cold, non communicative, negative environment. This is why she can't ever be as emotional as I am. All I wanted to do was love her again, and we did and still do, but however I have to look at her actions in a negative way. That's the only way I can get over this and not hope for the best. AS far as being friends, how can I be friends with someone that has no respect for my feelings and our relationship. It was hard for me last time to say hi to her, and when we did, we got our connection back. Maybe if she does call, does show interest, I need to be stronger and not give as much. Do my thing and if she comes around, I will be the one in control. I'm tired of chasing her around and feeling sorry for myself. I keep blaming myself cause I can't be the kind of guy that will make her happy. I feel less or a person when in reality, she needs a guy I can never be. Too laid back, go with the flow, non decisive, poor time management, non emotional, non clingy, not nearly as giving, just a plain normal guy. Why would I want to be that way just to please her and lower myself. Instead of her loving and respecting the way I am so caring, giving etc, she is feeling smothered by it and feels she doen't need all of it. Why does this upset me and why do I take it so personally. Don't get me wrong, she did many sweet things for me and sometimes I do blame myself for not accepting that she can only give so much by her nature and I feel horrible about that, but in return, she never shoed any interest in changing, making efforts fo rme or us. It was I have to go with her mood, flow or not at all.

[patience]

There are women out there who are very sensitive and very caring, and who are attracted to sensitive men. Be careful not to define yourself through your ex's eyes. Don't take on what she says. She is one person, and her opinions are just that.

 

What may feel 'smothering' to one woman, may feel 'just right' to another. Different people have different needs.

 

You seem aware of your issues. I think that the 'right' woman for you would be 'safe' for you...someone you could open up to and express your concerns to, someone who wouldn't use you or cause you to re-live childhood pain. Safe people do not mistreat or disrespect others, nor do they take advantage of people's vulnerability. It is sad, but there are people out there who will take advantage of your sensitive nature, and your willingness to give. In a way, your compassion makes you vulnerable to 'predator' types. You have to be careful about who you get close to.

 

Do you thing you are clingy and needy? Is this a pattern for you? Or is this something this woman has labelled you as?

 

If you indeed consider yourself to be too clingy, and if this affects your success in relationships, have you considered counselling to help you to heal from your childhood wounds?

 

Do you experience abandonment fears? People which such fear are often drawn to, attracted to, "cold" emotionally unavailable types because they are subconsciously working through unmet childhood needs. This may be something for you to consider.

 

Sometimes two people are just not right for each other. It is no one's fault. These things happen. I'm sure the two of you learned a great deal from one another, even if it is not apparent now.

 

I don't think you can have a safe, healthy friendship with this woman. She is so different from you, and she doesn't seem to see your sensitivity as the gift that it is.

[romanticlover]

Wow patience, your words are so soothing yet incredibly intense. You share the truth and that is hard to accept. You are keeping me strong with your kind and powerful words. How did you learn to share this type of advice? Are you a therapist? I don't know how you figured me out when it came to seeing my fears an dthe type of women I go for. Most of the women I meet that end up being more like me in a way, I loose interest in rather quickly. I also loos attraction to them after sleeping with them the first few times. Usually by the second or third date we are sleeping together. Now my last girlfriend, put up such a challenge and seemed more cold, and I fell for her. I don't know if that can stem from a childhood. My issue from my childhood might make me feel the need to be loved and showed it to more than the average person. I really don't know if this is why I require so much attention? See now this is making me thing I have the issue here and this is what drover her away. The fact that I do like to see just as much giving and emotion as I give. But do you think that a loving caring person would back away from that or support me and love me for that and just realize what makes me happy. It's honestly never been an issue in any othe rrelationships but ours. Very strange that this happens with her. Now I think I am mental and I am the reason the relationship ended lol. Yikes....

[ShySoul]

Nice advice patience. You are doing so good I'm tempted just to let you handle this.

 

RL - Childhood affects us in more ways then we think. When I was going through my problems, a friend talked with me through some knowledge she got from a book by Maggie Scarf, I believe its called Intimate Partners. I didn't read it, and I don't usually recommend books, but from everything my friend told me, it seemed to have a pretty good grasp on how our relationships with our families can affect our friendships and romantic relationships. So if you are curious, you can check it out.

 

A broken childhood and being adopted is going to stay with you. I don't know the details, but perhaps you feel abandoned? Perhaps you feel scared that someone is going to love you, so you hold on tighter. Or perhaps you blame yourself, thinking that its your fault what happened when you were young and thus always assuming you are the one to hurt these relationships and that she is right about things?

 

My family is full of broken childhood stories. My oldest brother had his father leave when he was a baby. He tries to cover it up, but he still struggles with that each day, feeling abandoned, like his father didn't care. My other brother had his father be abusive to our mom. I'm sure that is still with him somewhere inside. My father was ok for the most part, but we never connected and his drinking caused problems. So for me at least, I don't feel like I had much of a childhood. I didn't feel that love I thought I should have. Thus, to me love means a little bit more then it does to most. Part of me is scared to take a chance, because I expect it to be empty like my childhood. And even when I took a chance, I kept expecting it to go wrong. But when I finally overcame my fears, I was all in. I opened up my heart completely. It got ripped apart. I literally felt dead. I didn't want to do anything, lost my motivation for life. And I'm still struggling with it.

 

What you need to do is separate your issues from her's. You keep saying how you drove her away. You keep looking at it like you did everything wrong. In fact, she is the one who was wrong. You wanting attention isn't a bad thing. I think she overreacted and did a lot to hurt things herself. So don't be looking at it like you ruined the relationship, she has to share some of the blame. Or better yet, don't blame anyone. You weren't compatible, someone else will be compatible with you and appreciate you just as you are.

 

At the same time, its not an excuse to not look at yourself and what you have to work on. On the women like you that you lose interest in, you might be looking for something you don't have, cause you think it completes you, is better for you. If the person is like you, you see the bad traits in yourself in them and are reminded of things you don't want to be reminded off. It could also be that you go for what you are familiar with. With me, I've noticed I end up liking people going through difficulties and problems. I like to help others, so I'm drawn to someone I can help. I think I also feel like I couldn't do much for my family, so I want to help others since I couldn't help them. Maybe you are experiencing something similar?

 

I think when it is right, the person will love and support you as you are. They will work with you through things. But people have different ways of handling their feelings and issues. Her way is one that isn't very supportive and understanding. You unfortunately fell for her when her way of handling is just not compatible with yours. Stinks, doesn't it?

[romanticlover]

Interesting post and thank you shy. I do partially blame myself asn this happened last time. But if you could hear everything, see everything that went on over the last few months, you would feel my pain. I did a drive by past her house and saw her car wasn't there. Tells me something. She needs space to do her personal * * * * and yet she has no problem going out to party. Why do I do this to myself? I feel like I can go nowhere from now on. I pray and hope to find peace in myself and to get over this heartbreak. Thanks again for your support.