dreamweaverdude Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 Well i have been divorced for 6 months and have dated several people since then but I met Valarie at the end of December and we went out the first week in January and it has been a whirlwind ever since. She live 2.5 hours from me but even so the ride didn't seem bad at all. We laughed together, we communicated so well, and amazing formed a very close bond in a very short time... but we hit a bump last Friday. My ex-wife called and fussed with me over some money matters and by the time i left for work i was furious and upset. On the way to work Valarie calls and knows i'm upset and asks if it's the ex-wife that has me upset. Idiot me thinking that if i admit the ex-wife has me upset that Valarie would think she still have an influence over me and i didn't resist the urge and i told her no. I lied. SO when we went out friday night we asked me the same question again and I had to shoot straight and i told her.... the truth. The rest of the evening was spectacular..... but as the weekend and this week taried on, it got worse until today she emailed me told me that the lie was eating away at her, that if i lied about that, what else would i lie about. That's not my nature, but she's was just getting to know me, and so .... not much track record to defend myself. So she ended the relationship, just like that. In a very short period from the 1st of January until tonight, I gave my heart away, I should have known better, and i'm so mad at myself for letting my ex get me upset and for not shooting straight with Valarie. I have learned some definite lessons for sure. I know relationships take time to develop but this one had serious potential. You know, you'd think that the older you get the wiser you become, but at 46 it still hurts like hell. I asked for a second chance to prove myself but that was denied, so we will see, she did say that in a few months we might try it again. Who knows. You ever just feel like an idiot? ](*,) ](*,) Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 Hey Dream.... I know you're hurting, but "Valerie" doesn't give much room for error. In my opinion, you didn't "lie" to her, you were attempting to not sour your relationship with her by simply keeping your emotions in check.To ME that should be commended...but you're being punished for it. This, in MY opinion seems like a silly reason to break things off with you. You JUST started dating, it' is simply NOT fair to expect you to share your every thought and emotion with someone that early on. Are you SURE this is the REAL reason she broke things off? I'm sorry..but to me it sounds like a pretty lousy excuse. That's my 2 cents.... Link to comment
EnglishSilver Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 It is a shame you lied to her, but i think most people would understand why. You were angry and upset and travelling so very stressed and not in the best position to think clearly about what your response should be. Youve since explained it to her properly and although as you say you don't have much of a previous track record with her to show you aren't a habitual liar, neither has she any evidence that you are, and it seems a huge overreaction to finish the relationship based on this one incident. I know it hurts to give your heart to someone who doesn't give theirs back for whatever reason, going through something like that myself at the moment. I think there are people who would give a relationship time to develop as you grow to know and understand each other better, and then there are people who have an idealistic view of what they want, and give up at the first hitch rather than take stock, see if there can be some leeway, look at things from the other persons point of view etc and move forward with little adjustments on the way. Sounds to me like your the first sort and she's the second, and I know its really frustrating as well as painful when the other person can't see the potential you can if only they would give it a chance. I'm two weeks out from a breakup, and just starting to see through the heartache that if we'd carried on this difference in outlook may well have caused problems over and over again, so maybe better finished sooner rather than later - at least thats what i'm telling myself! I didn't want to hear this when my friend said it but its true, if you weren't together long theres less memories to keep coming back and hurting you. Hope you feel a bit better soon. xxxxx Link to comment
Tigris Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 If you know where she lives send her a bouquet of flowers saying you're sorry. Don't forget actions speak louder than words! Good luck. Link to comment
DN Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 Hey Dream.... I know you're hurting, but "Valerie" doesn't give much room for error. In my opinion, you didn't "lie" to her, you were attempting to not sour your relationship with her by simply keeping your emotions in check.To ME that should be commended...but you're being punished for it. This, in MY opinion seems like a silly reason to break things off with you. You JUST started dating, it' is simply NOT fair to expect you to share your every thought and emotion with someone that early on. Are you SURE this is the REAL reason she broke things off? I'm sorry..but to me it sounds like a pretty lousy excuse. That's my 2 cents.... I agree with this - seems a lame excuse to me. I know it hurts but I think it may be a better thing that you have found out now how demanding, unsympathetic and unforgiving this lady might be. I would think trying to conduct a long term relationship with someone like that would be very problematical. Link to comment
avman Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 Yeah I'm with DN, I think that was a convenient excuse for her to end things. You told a white lie to try not to ruin your weekend together. To me thats right up there with "Does this dress make me look fat?". If it does, you are going to lie because no way are you going to hurt someone's feelings that way. I think she either had other reasons to end the relationship, or she's just plain intolerant. Either way you are better off. She's not the right person for you. Link to comment
dreamweaverdude Posted January 28, 2006 Author Share Posted January 28, 2006 I outdid you. When she told me yesterday that she was moving on, I left work (birmingham, Al) and stopped and got roses and a card and drove 2.5 hours east almost to Atlanta and waited until 12:30 EST when her company party was over and ask to meet her to discuss things. We did. She met me outside a closed coffee shop in a small town square and we chatted for about 20 minutes and as DN said, very unforgiving and DN you may very well be right that this was an excuse based on other reasons. I'm weighing though things out. We had discussed within the last week some things that the ex-wife accused me of during the divorce in order to try to secure stronger footing in the matters and it may be that some of that weighed into the decision and the lie became the 'scapegoat'. Ok... i have this question to pose. You go into a new dating relationship and you know that this is a potential outcome, a broken heart. So how is it you can date and build a relationship and walk away from it so easy. How do some people seemingly just walk away from it without the emotional tug. I mean i always give everything a 100%. I feel crushed and lost. And maybe {very possibly} she told me that during the week after i lied she went mavk on match and met up with someone else, so my guess is she just found someone she wanted to be with more than me. You are all right, the lie was just an excuse to move on. This is such an empty feeling. Link to comment
DN Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 It sucks. But know that all relationships carry an element of risk. There is a delicate balance between guarding your heart and getting too involved too early. Ideally, you are able to move further into a committed relationship with someone at the same pace as each other and have some clue that this is happening. But that is easier said than done. Bottom line, I guess, is to not allow bad experiences put us off relationships altogether, because when you do find a good one it more than makes up for all that previous heartache. Link to comment
CarterJonas Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 If she knew what you have been through then she would understand. She isn't worth it! Link to comment
healinginnyc81 Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 In relationships, there is risk like DN said but just think how well worth it those heartbreaks will be when we overcome them and find true love. Someone told me the other day, "the game of love is not like sports, it doesn't matter how many losses you have, one win makes a perfect season." Link to comment
dreamweaverdude Posted January 28, 2006 Author Share Posted January 28, 2006 bk..... nice thought! Link to comment
dreamweaverdude Posted January 28, 2006 Author Share Posted January 28, 2006 Lady Bugg... The more i think about it the more i think you are right. We had so many things in common and i could have seen myself with this girl long term, but if she is this uncompromising on this, what would she have been like on other issues..... more things to think about....lol Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 Lady Bugg is right, you JUST started dating, and it is understandable your ex's call could get you riled up, but not it was not necessary to spill all that information to her at this point. She knew you had an ex wife, so she should of known there would be some conflict there still. I really do not think you lied...I think you were sparing her the nitty gritty details and pulling her into the situation, as well as hurting her. If she was going to be so strict on this issue or disagreement, it does not bode well for the future! I too think she was looking for a reason. As for the risk thing, well hon, there is always a risk of hurt in love. Even if you stay together forever and are in love, there will be times one or both of you are hurting - not intentional, but as part of the depth of emotions you will sometimes feel hurt. However, at least taking the risk, there is the reward. Otherwise you hide, prevent yourself from ever feeling hurt, but also from ever finding the reward, the love. Link to comment
dreamweaverdude Posted January 29, 2006 Author Share Posted January 29, 2006 Ray Kay, You are right. I don't think it does bodw well for her. I met a friend today and explained to her what happened and to be honest the first thing she mentioned to was... she's 37 and never been married... why hasn't she been married... and it was like i was dumbfounded that i had not thought about it this way. Maybe this was a blessing in disguise that she is so stubborn and rigid that she finds it difficult to 'keep' someone. Who knows..... I've had good day.. A friend took me away to spend the day with me totake my mind off of it and to be give me another woman's perspective and it was helpful. I just find it amazing that i, in less than 3 weeks actually fell so head over heals over ANYONE. That's scary and i think i need to reevaluate my ability to handle my emotions. But there were so many 'little things' that clicked, nuisances that just seemed to gel, it was sort of weird actually...stupid stuff like her adopted sons name was EXACTLY like mine.... it was like at least for a short time it was meant to be, and maybe God wanted me to learn something specific from this...... because it is very unlike me to fall this fast. But i know exactly what it was, i loved the attention. Maybe it sounds shallow but i've never been kissed like that in my life. And she complimented me, and heavens knows that i've never been one to be complimented even while married. So i'm sure the positive attention just went straight to my ego and made me want it work. So i've got plenty of lessons here to learn. Thanks for the feedback. It has been extremely helpful. But i admit it is going to be hard to put the pictures away and the perfume bottle she gave me of the perfume she wears. That isn't going to make recovery any easier. I know to some this is would be a trivial thing. But i guess this is the first person to show me real attention, that i recipricated the feelings back since my divorce. So after having been married 21 years, and just been divorced 6 months.. this is all new again. Link to comment
Mun Posted January 29, 2006 Share Posted January 29, 2006 Hey there is nothing silly about needing and responding to some attention. I know where you are coming from. Like I told you before, and I see others agreed, it was a lame excuse...something else was behind her reasons for breaking things off. I know you won't see it now, but she did you a favor. You don't want to be with someone who can shut down her emotions at the drop of a hat. Like your friend said she's never been married, maybe she is very set in her ways. In relationships we must be flexible...there must be room for mistakes. LOVE Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now