MARRIAGE IN TROUBLE PLS HELP

[DGirl]

PLEASE HELP!!! THIS IS MY FIRST TIME POSTING!

 

I'VE BEEN WITH "JOE" FOR 9 YEARS. WE MET WHEN WE WERE 18 YRS OLD. WE'VE BEEN MARRIED 6 MONTHS. WE'VE HAD OUR UPS AND DOWNS JUST LIKE EVERYOTHER COUPLE. I WAS ALWAYS THE RESPONSIBLE ONE(PAYING BILLS, SAVING MONEY) AND HE WASY ALWAYS THE CARFREE TYPE(LIVING PAY CHECK TO PAY CHECK, NOT PAYNG BILLS, HORRIBLE CREDIT, ETC.) HE SAID AFTER WE MARRIED HE WOULD CHANGE AND THAT HE WOULD GIVE ME MONEY FOR THE HOUSE AND I WOULD PAY ALL THE BILLS, WHICH I WAS OK WITH. BUT TO GET HIM TO GIVE ME THE MONEY IS LIKE HELL! I FIND MYSELF CONTRIBUTING MOST OF THE MONEY FOR THE HOUSE AND THE BILLS AND THIS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE IT MY HOUSE AND NOT HIS AT ALL! I CLEAN IT I PAY FOR IT HE JUST LIVES HERE! AFTER WE WERE MARRIED THING WENT COMPLETELY DOWN HILL! I KNEW HE WAS IRRESPONSABLE BUT I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS AS BAD AS IT IS! ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY TO THE POINT THAT I AM ALWAYS MAD AT HIM AND I'M NASTY TO HIM! I FEEL LIKE WE ARE JUST ROOMATES! WE HAVENT HAD SEX IN 4 MONTHS AND I DONT EVEN WANT TO! I FOUND A SINGLES ADD THAT HE PLACES FOR HIMSELF ON LINE THAT STATED HE WAS MARRIED BUT NOT HAPPILY AND THAT HE WAS LOOKING FOR A LOVER CASUAL RELASHIONSHIP! NOW BESIDES NOT TRUSTING HIM WITH MONEY AND RESPONSABILITIES I FEEL LIKE HE HAS OR WILL CHEAT ON ME! SO THE OTHER NIGHT HIS CELL PHONE RANG AT LIKE 1AM AND WHEN I CONFRONTED HIM ABOUT IT HE WENT ABSOLUTLY CRAZY! SCREAMING, YELLING, SMASHED UP A FEW THINGS IN THE HOUSE, PUT A HOLE IN THE WALL THAT I COULD FIT THROUGH! SHOVED ME, WAS GETTING ALL UP IN MY FACE AS IF HE WAS GOING TO KNOCK ME OUT, DIDN'T HIT ME BUT HE DID SHOVE ME! SO I THREW HIM OUT THAT NIGHT AND I TOLD HIM THERE IS NO TRUST BETWEEN US ANYMORE AND I WANTED HIM TO LEAVE CAUSE I NEEDED TIME TO THINK. (FOUND OUT LATTER THE CALL WAS FROM HIS DAD). I LOVE JOE VERY MUCH BUT I FEEL LIKE I'VE FALLEN OUT OF LOVE WITH HIM BECAUSE OF ALL THESE THINGS! I FEEL THAT ALL THE THINGS I'VE WORKED SO HARD FOR IN MY LIFE I WILL NEVER HAVE BECAUE OF THE WAY HE IS! NOW HERES A TWIST! ABOUT 3 YEARS AGO I STARTED SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE ELSE WE WILL CALL "JOHN". I'VE KNOWN JOHN FOR PROBABLY ABOUT 10 YEARS. NOTHING EVER HAPPENED BETWEEN US until 3 YEARS AGO. I AM VERY ATTRACTED TO JOHN HE GIVES ME ALL THE THINGS THAT JOE DOESN'T. HE IS RESPONSIBLE, HE WANTS THE SAME THINGS I DO IN LIFE, HE STRIVES FOR THINGS INSTEAD OF SITTING BACK AND WAITING FOR THEM TO FALL IN HIS LAP! I THINK I LOVE HIM! BUT I'M STILL MARRIED AND EVEN THOUGH I'VE ASKED JOE TO LEAVE HE STILL HASEN'T! I NEED HELP! DOES THIS MARRIAGE SOUND LIKE IT SHOULD BE WORKED ON OR SHOULD I JUST END IT AND MOVE ON???? PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE!!

[kdreger]

Why did you marry Joe if John is a better "fit"?

 

Normally, I don't like to be too blunt but it sounds as if Joe needs to grow up. Call the cops and have them escort him out if he won't leave. You have to be serious, he's not going to respond to anything else. Then change the locks.

 

Personally, I don't think Joe's going to change any time soon. The fact that he placed a personal's ad shows you he's mentally and emotionally out of the relationship. All that's left is for his physical body to follow.

 

I would suggest talking to him about it but it sounds as if that's a moot point. Take care of yourself here.

[Lifeweb]

Wow. This whole situation is really, really bad.

 

First off you should never ever expect somebody to change after you get married. When you marry a person, you marry that person. Now without a doubt as years go by that person will change (we all constantly change) but to think that someone is going to change just because of marriage (or commitment or a child) is unwise. Sorry this happened to you, it's a hard lesson to learn (as you are now experiencing).

 

You've had your ups and downs like any other couple. I can respect that. All couple do go through good time and bad times. It's how you handle those bad times that really matters. You should discuss problems, not scream about them, you should communicate, not isolate. Sure every once in a while there might be a really heated debate where voices are raised and screaming happens but this is an ineffective way to communicate. When you scream and yell at someone you put them on the deffensive. As soon as that happens the shields are up and no progress is gonig to be made. You both need to learn to communicate more effectivly (whether you stay together or not).

 

So he's posted a singles add and admitted that he's married but not happy. You are also not happy. You've only been married for six months. Why did you get married? These unhappy feelings had to exist before the marriage (about three years ago you started sleeping with someone else "John"), did you think they would just go away?

 

Your marriage has been doomed from the beginning. To build a happy marriage (or long term relationship) you need to have a solid foundation on which to build upon. No matter how strong the house is, it's going to fall apart if it's built on quicksand. It doesn't sound like you had a very strong foundation.

 

With all of this said, I ALWAYS believe that people should work on an existing relationship before moving on to a new relationship. You married this man. So you had to feel as though he was worth marrying. So something is there (even if it's small). So you need to work on things with your husband.

 

Here's the thing. In order to work on things with your husband, he needs to be willing to work on things with you. If he's not, then the relationship won't be salvagable. One person can not fix a relationship, both partners need to be activly involved.

 

First you should try to work things out with him. I would suggest marriage counciling for the two of you. You have a lot of issue to face and you're going to need a neutral, third party to help you through it. Your chances of being able to survive this relationship without conciling is slim to none (much closer to none). If he is unwilling to go to counciling with you, then you have to throw down the guantlet. You have to explain to him that your "relationship" can not continue the way it is. If he is unwilling to go to counciling still, you need to separate.

 

During this time of seperation you need to get counciling for you. You need to work on yourself. If you rush into another relationship with "John" or anyone else for that matter you are most likely dooming your new realtionship. You need time to close the wounds left by your husband. Once those wounds are healed you can move forward into another relationship and begin building a better foundation. If you move right into another relationship without healing from this one you really are setting yourself up for more hurt later.

 

After taking a couple months off I feel as though you should talk to your husband again. Did those two months serve him well? During that time did you realize how much he missed you and does he want you back? If so then go to counciling together. Under NO circumstances should you get back together with him without counciling. If he promises you that he's changed during his time away from you, if he shows you he'll pay the bills,etc. You still need to attend counciling with him. He needs to understand that to be with you, it's neccesary. If he can't do that, don't take him back. If you're really worth it to him, he will do this.

 

If he's not willing and you have spent a couple of months apart, get the divorce. After the divorce take a couple more months off and then start seeing people.

 

If you do start a relationship with John, get counciling. By cheating on your husband with John you've sent the message to John (whether you want to or not) that it's okay to cheat. I mean it's not good to cheat but there are certain circumstances where one doesn't have any choice (this is what you may be saying). He may not even realize you're saying this... but a year or years down the line you and he may be faced with problems that he feels justify cheating. And you've done it, so why can't he? You certainly wouldn't be able to blame him.

 

Bottom line. Maybe you and John will work, maybe you're "meant to be", who knows. But first you have an obligation to your husband and that relationship. If it can't be salvaged, move on.

 

P S - If your husband is abusive, has hit you or has a history of violence it changes these circumstances. I say this because you said he punched the wall and smashed things. If this is the way he is (angry and violent) you may not want to work through things. That's understandable. He scares you. I would suggest a restraining order, some time off from one another and counciling while you don't live together (separate counciling and marriage counciling). He might also need some anger management courses, communication classes, etc. DO NOT stay in a marriage or attempt to work on a marriage with someone who is violent without outside help. Nobody should ever hit you or physically intimidate you. If that's what's happening then get him out of your home, get him to counciling and move on. If he won't do that, then get rid of him, get counciling for yourself and move on.

 

Hope this helps.

[secret_agent_man]

Wow, Lifeweb, that sort of covers all of it...

 

Nice post.

 

S.A.M.

[single_momma]

dear Dgirl i personally am going through what you have described abt your marriage - so i understand exactly what you are going through

 

pls read Lifeweb's comments thoroughly and understand that you have to solve your current problems with joe FIRST. don't complicate your life by getting involved with john for the time being - you could be sending the wrong message to him that "cheating" while being trapped in an unhappy marriage is acceptable. what happens if you eventually marry him a few years down the line?

 

be on your own to solve the problems with joe and learn a few things from this experience.

 

my problem : i admit that i made a mistake to go ahead to marry my husband after 10 years of courtship though i knew i could be settling not for the best (have to admit that we had our good times, too). now, 5 years down the line, i have given all that i could and now have to "resign" in order to maintain my sanity. though each marriage has its own set of problems, i understand what you have been putting up with. you are not alone. your consolation - no children to suffer from your breakup (if you eventually head that direction)

 

i read something from link removed which summarises my marriage. i hope you can read the article, too.

 

Extracts (i have underlined those parts that are relevant to my case) :

Many reasons are given for the ending of a marriage/committed relationship:

 

* Sometimes the partners were not good matches to start with, or were too young to make good choices about partners and commitments. Many view the relationship as a "mistake of youth" and see divorce as a chance to start over. They may leave the relationship with few negative feelings about their ex and enter new relationships with less "baggage"

 

* Sometimes partners change over the course of the years. Denied needs come out, new needs and desires develop, hurts pile up, and the change may become so great that the couple is no longer compatible. Sometimes the couple finds initial differences that they thought they would overcome have instead led to painful struggles, unhappiness, and failure

 

* Sometimes one partner hid psychological problems, or developed them during the course of the relationship. Sometime the other partner failed to see the warning signs. Communication and problem-resolution skills suffer, as does intimacy and sexual closeness. Therapy and any changes it produces may be "too little, too late"

 

While in my experience couples present many different reasons for considering a divorce, they almost always reflect one of the above situations. Regardless of the specific problem that brings a couple to consider this, many of the same kinds of problems can develop. Below is some of the data on marital stress and difficulties.

 

Depression

Cummings and Davies, in their book, Children and Marital Conflict: The Impact of Family Dispute and Resolution, point out that in 30% of couples experiencing relationship distress, one parent is suffering from significant clinical depression. Since women experience significant levels of depression twice as often as men, it is more likely that the depressed partner is a woman. However, men may also become depressed, and turn to alcohol or overworking to cope and in some ways escape the marriage.

 

When one partner is depressed, the children are also at greater risk for depression too. The parent's unavailability is disruptive to their lives and their sense of the home, and they may become withdrawn and quiet, or become more anxious and hyperactive. Typically, in a two-parent home, the other parent tries to compensate and faces many new stresses that take their toll:

 

Living with a depressed person is often an emotional drain, and the relationship provides little support and revitalization for the functioning partner. Seeing the other partner sad and dejected is often painful and upsetting by itself, and sometimes the helplessness the functioning partner feels turns to anger at and rejection of the depressed partner

 

Working to compensate for the depressed partner's low energy and limited interest in the family is also draining. Trying to be more emotionally available to the children and more understanding of their needs can make parenting seem like a chore, and lead to more resentment toward the depressed partner

 

Shouldering more of the financial burdens and day-to-day management of the family to compensate for the depressed partner's unavailability or inability to function is time-consuming and taxing. It may stir doubts about the relationship, whether the functioning partner can "take it," and intense feelings of resentment and isolation. The functioning partner may begin to feel like a single parent, and see divorce as no different than current life

 

Research has shown that these stresses often lead to significant depression in the functioning partner, although in the majority of cases it does not lead to clinical levels of depression. In clinical work, I often find that the functioning spouse is the one who initiates treatment, often because they "can't take it anymore." Marital work may continue, or lead to individual therapy for the depressed spouse.

 

etc,etc

i hope you can find time to read it.

 

anyway, Dgirl, when the time comes, u will know deep down inside whether u have done the best u could for the marriage. it takes 2 hands to clap - so u cannot do much to save a marriage on your own. and remember Lifeweb's advice - NO COUNSELLING, NO GETTING BACK TOGETHER! do not be a fool.........

 

all the best and may God bless you!