Can't quite figure out HOW I feel..... sorry it's a bit long

[Wimpy]

This weekend will mark a year since I saw my ex. A year since I packed him off home when his time to leave this country came to an end, took him to the Airport, told him I loved him and said I'd see him in a couple of months when I came to visit him in his country and meet his family and when we'd see how things were after some time apart and what the future held.

 

Never, for ONE SECOND, did I imagine that as I watched him walk through to the departure lounge, I'd never see him again

 

I think back to the person I was 52 weeks ago - wondering how I'd cope without him around, wondering how I'd make it through another day, bursting into tears at every little thing (not around him though) and having lost half a stone in weight. I thought my life would end without him in it. All the good times we'd shared, the great laughs we'd had, the hours and hours of talking about all sorts of things into the small hours of the morning . Nothing could have prepared me for how things would end - a break-up EMAIL 10 days before I was due to come and visit.

 

So many emotions have run through me this past year. The emotions I felt after he left...the slow realisation that I could live without him around although I missed him, the excitement at looking forward to seeing him again in HIS surroundings, meeting HIS family and friends. And then the unbelievable gut-wrenching pain I felt when I received his heartless and callous e-mail telling me it was over but with the bizarre thought I'd still want to visit as his friend

 

I know I've pulled myself together - I'm doing great at work after putting in a pretty good performance last year despite everything falling apart, I got a new car, did some diving, went to the carribbean, got some work done on my house....I'm back at the gym and looking fitter than I have in ages....

 

HOWEVER

 

Still at the back of my mind is this nagging little voice (albeit quieter than it was) asking HOW could he do it? How could he behave so callously and then just move on and never give a backward glance?

 

I wonder whether I'm just not set up to love "healthily"....I give so much of myself that this experience really has killed something inside me. I know I won't spend the rest of my life thinking "he was the one"... because I know now he soooooooo wasn't! Neither will I spend the rest of my life thinking "if only"....because I know I did EVERYTHING I could and it wasn't good enough.

 

I just have a lingering feeling that won't go away...."I'd rather remain on my own for the rest of my life than go through another time like last year". As I'm in my mid 30's I think that perhaps that's what will happen and I don't know how I feel about that.

 

Can anyone relate??????

[LiquidCherry]

I can totally relate. When my high school sweetheart broke up with me it took me 4 years before I was able to fall in love again. I was very scared and very guarded; I never wanted to feel that pain again.

 

I gave a lot of myself too, which is good, but it's better to always keep a small part for yourself.

 

I was watching Dr. Phil and he was talking to a woman who put up walls in order to protect herself from getting hurt. Dr. Phil pointed out that if she stayed behind the wall she was gaurnteeing herself hurt. If she came out from behind the wall and put her heart on the line there was a risk she could get hurt but she also would have a chance at happiness.

 

Love is always a gamble but when it's good...

[RayKay]

Wimpy,

 

You have come a VERY LONG way, I remember still very well when you first came on this forum to talk of your story and you have really done so well! Be proud of yourself!

 

That feeling, of "rather being alone then being hurt" is very normal after a traumatic breakup, and there are some people whom with that thinking will actually be very adamant about protecting themselves from ever getting involved again. However, it is important you don't believe that voice telling you that, it really is.

 

You are in your mid 30's, but you still have hopefully many, many years ahead of you, and there will be many opportunities to love and be loved. There is always a risk of hurt, anytime you fall in love. Even if you are in a loving relationship, there will be times you hurt, your partner hurts...not intentional, but when you are vulnerable, you hurt. But the reward, is so much greater.

 

Now, it does not mean you MUST get involved with someone, you can be single and still feel loved by the people in your life - friends, family and so forth, but I think convincing yourself you would rather be alone will truly limit some of the beautiful things that lay ahead of you, and hurt yourself even more in the end.

 

Take your time, no rush, but when someone amazing comes into your life, don't allow your fear of being hurt (unless there are obvious red flags with the person of course!) prevent you from taking that risk.

[novaseeker]

It's very normal to feel that way after a bad breakup.

 

When I was going through my divorce a few years ago, I thought exactly the same thing: I'm just not going to get involved again, it's too risky and I'd rather not be bothered.

 

Well, a few years down the road and I did get involved with someone. And that relationship didn't work for a few reasons, but one of the several good things about it for me was that it reminded me of the good stuff about relationships, and made me realize that those feelings of "preferring to be alone" that follow on a hard breakup or divorce really do fade over time. So now I'm open about further relationships ... sure there is risk, but there's also a lot of reward to them as well.

 

So I'd give yourself some time to get over this traumatic breakup, and try to resist the urge to let those feelings you may have now become realities for the long term in your life.

[Wimpy]

Thanks guys - I really really appreciate the time you took to respond.

 

I shall mull over what you've said and the quote from Dr Phil is good - he's the man!!!!

 

Thanks again....

[curlygirl47]

Wimpy,

 

I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a happy heart today. But here's another motto from a wonderful Tabasco ad: "It's like love. You always want more no matter how badly you got burned the last time."

[lgirl]

Wimpy,

 

this experience really has killed something inside me... I'd rather remain on my own for the rest of my life than go through another time like last year". As I'm in my mid 30's I think that perhaps that's what will happen and I don't know how I feel about that.

 

i feel EXACTLY the same, too damaged to ever want to get close to a guy again - feel like something has been knocked out of me that i don't think i can get back. dread the idea even of being close to a man, even the initial lovey-dovey state turns me right off these days there's NO way i ever want to go thru even a fraction of what happened to me with my ex. but the alternative is too bleak. i have honestly felt suicidal at times b/c of it. feel like i've somehow missed the boat and lack the energy to do anything to change it. think i have been in a heavy depression ever since (getting on for 9months since the break-up now)...

 

sorry - i don't know what the answer is. WISH i did. everything seems so pointless...

[curlygirl47]

I've been saying the same things lately. I won't date again, etc. But today I read this in The Art and Practice of Loving:

 

"Don't Make More Losses"

 

One loss is enough, so be careful about creating more. It is easy to say, "What difference does it make? Things are already as bad as they can get!" But, no matter how bad things are now, they could get worse. Beware of conclusions or decisions made in the pain of loss: "I'll never trust another man." "I will never get married." Such decisions often bury themselves deep in your soul and show up later to sabotage a relationship." In other words, it may be a self-fulfilling prophecy if we keep saying these things to ourselves --- even when we decide to try again, they will have become a mantra we have to fight all the time. Why don't we try, "I can accept this loss." "I can love again." It's worth a shot.

[Wimpy]

"I'll never trust another man." "I will never get married." Such decisions often bury themselves deep in your soul and show up later to sabotage a relationship." In other words, it may be a self-fulfilling prophecy if we keep saying these things to ourselves --- even when we decide to try again, they will have become a mantra we have to fight all the time. Why don't we try, "I can accept this loss." "I can love again." It's worth a shot.

 

This is a really good quote and although deep down I know it's true, seeing it written here made me think.

 

I don't want that to happen so perhaps I should think, as one of my favourite "self-help" guru's (Susan Jeffers) says "whatever happens, I'll handle it".

 

Thanks for posting this - it made me stop and think

[Wimpy]

sorry - i don't know what the answer is. WISH i did. everything seems so pointless...

 

lgirl- don't apologise. It's fine that we don't know what the answer is - perahps at the moment there isn't one

 

but the fact that you posted a reply made me feel better so thanks.

[lgirl]

One loss is enough, so be careful about creating more. It is easy to say, "What difference does it make? Things are already as bad as they can get!" But, no matter how bad things are now, they could get worse. Beware of conclusions or decisions made in the pain of loss: "I'll never trust another man." "I will never get married." Such decisions often bury themselves deep in your soul and show up later to sabotage a relationship." In other words, it may be a self-fulfilling prophecy if we keep saying these things to ourselves --- even when we decide to try again

well, that's me f***ed then! seems like you just can't win. it's all a load of BS, isn't it? can't see how i'll ever get rid of these feelings. don't know how and DREAD ever getting close to somone again. no wonder i feel so suicidal at times! i hate being here.

 

sorry folks!

 

Wimpy, you're welcome. glad what you read from others' posts has helped you. doesn't seem to affect me at all...

[Wimpy]

LUTHER VANDROSS lyrics - "Too Far Down"

Lgirl....I listened to one of my all-time favs singers on Saturday and this track came on the CD. As I listened to the words it just made me realise how true this is but how hard.

We mustn't let bad experiences hold us back from the chance of future happiness. The reason the replies made me feel better was that a) they acknowledged how I felt b) said it was understandable and to be expected and c) gave me some suggestions and advice.

 

I don't want to end up having my ex's behaviour define who I am for the rest of my life. It will take me a long time to trust again and a long time to figure out if a relationship is even what I want anymore but I do believe that learned behaviours can end up sabotaging our future relationships as per the quote from Dr Phil.

 

Try not to let your experience consume you and post here as often as you like.

 

This weekend was tough - my plans back-fired and I ended up having an argument with someone I love deeply and we're not talking right now. I think I had too much baggage this weekend and perhaps should have planned to spend it alone - which is more or less how it ended up!

 

Keep going and tell me what you think of the track or the lyrics.

 

 

Too Far Down - Luther Vandross (RIP 2005 )

 

 

Last time you thought of him, he thought of you

And it proves the magic was for real

Just then the winds of change

Brought down the falling rain, so unexpected

What should you do

 

Now, you've got plans to change, some things to rearrange

Scared of tomorrow, scared of right now too

See, it's all very sad

Can't deny you feel bad

But I just don't want you to let this thing take you over

 

Don't let it hurt so bad, don't let it because

Everything can be the way that it was

But keep hurt inside and it's just like those tears of the clown

Everyone says that you'll come back around

But, not if you fall too far down

 

No one really knows

When their clouds will go away

That's why they say we should always save

For a rainy day

 

Someone made some promises that didn't keep

It set you up just to let you down

Be careful not to let it push you around

And you'll be okay, if you take one day by one day

See, I just don't want you to

Let this thing take you over

 

Don't let it hurt so bad, don't let it because

Most of your life can be the way that it was

But, keep hurt inside and it's just like those tears of the clown

Everyone thinks that you'll come back around

But, not if you fall too far down

 

[bridge

Too far down is where you fall when you don't care no more

But, what about love

Isn't it worth living for

You don't know

 

Don't let it hurt so bad, don't let it because

Everything can be the way that it was

But keep hurt inside and it's just like those tears of the clown

Everyone says that you'll come back around

But, not if you fall too far down

 

You're not the only one, who's love and whose lost

So many people, too, know they've all paid the cost

The thing that we learn is how to get a smile from a frown

Go ahead ifyou want, stumble and fall

But, don't fall honey too far down