can't seem to let go or move on

[deejay74]

why is it so hard for me to let go and to move on? i have all the signs in front of me, my logical side knows what to do, but i cannot seem to let go or move on no matter how hard i try, and it's very frustrating b/c i want to heal.

 

is this normal? it's been about 3 1/2 weeks since i got dumped but the pain has only decreased slightly. i posted this before and i'll say it again, it seems like i've only gotten used to carrying the pain around.

 

it's been exactly 3 weeks since i started NC, and it's been nothing but torture. I can't seem to enjoy anything or take my mind off of what happened or my ex. all these thoughts and speculations circle in my mind and my desire to call my ex to get full explanations on everything is very great.

 

i do see a therapist - it does help but only for a while. i've increased my sessions to twice a week but the next day, i seem to "reset" and i start to get sad.

 

why is this so hard?

[Pikey1972]

iwantherback, are there any friends or family you could talk to? I found that taking up a new hobby and going out with friends helped me focus more on myself.

 

The key thing however is time: it's taken me almost 3 months to heal a little. I wouldn't say I'm completely "cured" from the heartache (I was the dumpee), but the first month was definitely the worst, and after that everything became a little easier. I can focus on my own needs now, rather than think about what my ex might be up to.

 

So I'd say take time out for yourself, and give yourself lots of time. Be patient, things will get easier, trust me!

 

Take care,

 

Pikey

[deejay74]

iwantherback, are there any friends or family you could talk to? I found that taking up a new hobby and going out with friends helped me focus more on myself.

 

The key thing however is time: it's taken me almost 3 months to heal a little. I wouldn't say I'm completely "cured" from the heartache (I was the dumpee), but the first month was definitely the worst, and after that everything became a little easier. I can focus on my own needs now, rather than think about what my ex might be up to.

 

So I'd say take time out for yourself, and give yourself lots of time. Be patient, things will get easier, trust me!

 

Take care,

 

Pikey

 

yes, i have been talking to my friends and family but i am beginning to think they're getting tired of me talking about it all the time. i can't seem to fully enjoy my friend's company or anything. i've been going out, but i keep wanting my ex to be with me. we had so much fun together and it stopped completely. it's been very hard to get used to this.

 

why do i also keep thinking about her and what she's doing and if she's with someone else already? i should be thinking about me but i can't seem to do that either.

[drbombay]

If it means anything, I just got out of a 3 month relationship (I was the dumper) and it sucks just as much. I find myself second guessing my decision all the time. I know it was for the best but I always ask what if...

 

my advice is to take it one day at a time. Sounds cliche but it does help.

 

Good Luck!

[Itsok]

What you are going through is completely normal, it's only been 3 1/2 weeks. What you need is to add some activities to your routine, and change your routine around so you have a 'new life' so to speak.

 

Time to join a club, go to a church, go to the library, join a gym (which will really help your stress to be let out) and do something fun for yourself and/or with friends.

 

It will be alright, and you can do this.

[kellbell]

Hi there!

 

I am so sorry to hear about your break-up. What you going through is totally normal and three weeks is a bit of time but your grieving process is still in it's infant stages.

 

Unfortuantely, what you are experiencing is part of the aftermath of the break-up process and you have to go through it in order to heal and move on. It's said that there are 5 stages a grief on must go through to properly heal. I will send you the link so you can read up on it. It is extremely helpful.

 

 

 

The only thing I can tell you is that you are not alone in your feelings and one day at a time. Take care and hugs to you.

[curlygirl47]

I am so sorry for your pain, and I am sharing it. I've got a pit in my stomach and a wave of sorrow right now, too, and I long to call my ex and say, "I need you --- please come." Instead, I grab a book that I am keeping nearby right now called The Art and Practice of Loving. It seems to help my mind re-center and approach the whole of life with a yes instead of a why. I am glad that the previous message reminded you that the dumper hurts also, in his or her own way. That is one of the things the book explains. The one who hurt us --- the one we miss so much --- has his or her own "hopes and fears, securities and insecurities, blessings and handicaps, sensitivities and insensitivities, goals, joys, and sadnesses... Be sure to appreciate those qualities in him (her) that you like. See that his (her) behavior, however obnoxious, was fully human... Compassion does not mean giving up your knowledge that your lover hurt you. All you give up is the dramatic dwelling on how wrong his (her) actions were. Compassion means you interpret his (her) behavior in light of a broad understanding of his humanness, of how humans tend to hurt and disappoint others. You can understand how natural it was for this particular person to behave hurtfully. Unfortunately, you happened to be in his (her) way when he did it."

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in trying to find ways to manage my pain, one thing that comforts me a little is to think of my ex with compassion and to constantly send him love and hopes for a happy future with or without me. I am here to talk if you need to. I know how hard it is.

[Darketernal]

Well , in my opinion the only cure for a lost love is a new love, thus by giving yourself all the time you need and replacing your ex with a new lover can fill up the gap left behind. Also if you are smart you will take time to learn from those valuable lessons in the past, and try to prevent that a simular thing will happen in a future relationship. Give yourself time to heal, and when your ready try to pick up the pieces of your life ,glueing them together and try to move on with your life.

[deejay74]

If it means anything, I just got out of a 3 month relationship (I was the dumper) and it sucks just as much. I find myself second guessing my decision all the time. I know it was for the best but I always ask what if...

 

my advice is to take it one day at a time. Sounds cliche but it does help.

 

Good Luck!

 

well i hope she's feeling this way too. it will help me feel like what we had did mean something and that she still cares about me. i know it won't change her mind at all about breaking up with me, but at least it would mean she's not a cold, heartless, woman.

[NR498E]

why is it so hard for me to let go and to move on? i have all the signs in front of me, my logical side knows what to do, but i cannot seem to let go or move on no matter how hard i try, and it's very frustrating b/c i want to heal.

 

 

 

It's so hard because you truly loved her.It's so hard because your plans for the future have just been changed dramaticaly.It's so hard because you have to let go of a whole way of life.

It's all so hard I know what your feeling first hand.Unfortunatley there is nothing you can do but tough it out.Im also sorry to tell you 3 and 1/2 weeks is nothing your just getting started.Good luck

[lgirl]

it's only been 31/2 weeks - that's nothing!! it's early days still, so give yourself a break. recognise that it could take you months, depending on what yr ex meant/represents to you.

 

hang in there - it will take you a while. there are plenty of people here who can help you. i'm still not over my ex and we broke up last april!! hope you have better luck

[deejay74]

thanks for the words of encouragement everyone.

 

even though it's only been 3 1/2 weeks, it seems like months since the break up.

 

and if it's true that it's going to take a lot longer to heal, great. i am not looking forward to feeling this way for weeks or months to come. it can be debilitating as it is right now.

 

i am trying to take it minute by minute or day by day...

[healinginnyc81]

I know a lot of people are saying that you should take up new activities. But I just wanted to say that it took me a month to be able to enjoy anything. I'm a big pro football fan but I couldn't get into it at all for a month. I didn't even like listening to my favorite music or watching my favorite tv shows.

 

But you have to try to enjoy it. Give yourself a chance to enjoy doing other things. Whenever you feel even a little break in the sadness, try to do something you think will be fun. The hurt will not go away but it will lessen gradually and there will be more times when you can get your mind off the ex. It's hard when all your thoughts are about the ex, I know. It's been almost 7 weeks for me and I'm still having trouble getting my mind off the ex.

 

Be patient with yourself, this is a hard experience to deal with. Just believe that you can deal with the pain for as long as it takes to get better.

[dreamweaverdude]

I understand your frustration but candidly talk to you professional about the 'why's' of the relationship. Your ex prolly isn't going to tell you or will probably not tell you the truth. I think you are opening yourself up for even more pain. Good luck

[lewisbn11]

Hi im going through the same pain. Any form of enjoyment you get and your brain instantly reminds you that these fun thoughts arn't usual and you go back to the awful state of second guessing there lives. Sometimes i can handle it/ sometimes i can't. Times on my own are hard. One thing i thought up which helps. This is all a battle in your mind. Its a battle that will make you stronger when you win. How good would that be>? Have you imagined the thought of being completely over her and not caring about her? Its hard i know. All i want to do is cuddle my princess and tell her everything is ok but thats not what she wants. Realisticly what can i do about it? I don't need to put myself through the thoughts i have about her/what went wrong/sex with her etc so why do i do it? I think its because when im alone i think that i would have been with her.

 

Good Luck

[Dako]

I've become a believer in doing new things to jumpstart your brain.

Insead of listening to your old tunes, get some new stuff with no baggage attached. Quit wearing that shirt she gave you and buy new clothes.

Go to a different cafe or restaurant. Break the routine. It's hard at first because it takes effort, but it also takes thought...thought that isn't pulling you down.

 

Sure everything in the world seems a reminder of her, but you can change some something here and there. Rearrange furniture, clean out your car, go out in drag if you want.

 

You have to keep moving.

[butterflycloud]

I have been going through the same thing and I couldnt seem to understand why I knew in my heart that I didnt want him back but at the same time I couldnt let him go.

 

So I went to the most amazing psychologist on earth! This is what she had to say:

 

She said that the human brain has 'two parts' - the upper and the lower mammalian brain. Your upper brain is the more logical of the two and is spiritually 'connected' to your soul and 'higher' thinking. This upper brain reasons out logically that the two of you cannot be together anymore and accepts that as being the highest truth. BUT your lower brain- the more human/primal brain craves the need for physical touch, aknowledgement and generally being wanted by another person- this part of your brain is like a small child having a tantrum-"I want, I want , I want!!!!!". This part of your brain cannot understand the reasoning of the higher brain but rather keeps flooding you with feelings of loss, wanting to get back together and of not being able to let go.

 

So at the end of the day you have a 'push-pull' scenario, one side saying that you cannot be with the ex and the other side saying I want the ex back now.

 

So how do you cope with this??? The advice is hard but it works once you get it right. Your 'higher' mind has to tell your 'lower' mind to stop wth all the childish "I want, I want , I want" and you need to tell yourself that the feelings of not being able to let go are coming from a primal need to be with someone and are not related to wanting to be with your ex.

 

Hope that makes sense!

[lgirl]

great post butterflycloud!

[butterflycloud]

thanks Lgirl, I wish that I had known that 6 months ago! My understanding of the whole situation has become soooooo much easier to deal with now!

[lgirl]

butterflycloud,

 

Your 'higher' mind has to tell your 'lower' mind to stop wth all the childish "I want, I want , I want" and you need to tell yourself that the feelings of not being able to let go are coming from a primal need to be with someone and are not related to wanting to be with your ex.

 

how? using those exact words?

 

i already knew about this (and have done) for a while, so it was good yr post has reminded me about it. however, in my case it's made NO difference to how i feel can't figure out how to make that change. knowing doesn't seem to be enough... think i must have a very stubborn 'lower' mind!!

[butterflycloud]

I think that you need to process a lot of your thoughts and feelings first until you finally reach the stage where your 'higher' mind has NO doubt that the two of you shouldnt be together.

 

I think that you can only start telling your lower mind to shut up once your higher mind has done all its processing and has released any attachement to the ex through logical and rational thoughts free of raw emotions.

 

Give yourself a bit more time, we all process things uniquely. Im sure in time this technique will work for you

[lgirl]

hmmmm, okay. was hoping for a bit more detail - maybe specific instructions as i have been going thru this BS for 9 months now with no improvement (okay, i am eating now and my appetite has finally come back, but that's it)... did yr therapist give you any exercises to do?

[lewisbn11]

What if you can't for any reason think of why you both shouldn't be apart?

[butterflycloud]

Lgirl,

 

I know this doesnt help but I dont think that there is any specific infomation that you need to follow in order to overcome the heartache. Every person needs to look within and discover their own personal means of letting go. 9 months is not so long , some people take years to get over the ex, my aunt has been divorced for 10 years and she still acts as if it happened yesterday.

 

I know that in my case I needed to cry ALOT and believe it or not I managed to release a lot of my emotions through my tears, but at the same time I had great support from my family and my psychologist.

 

I also found that writing down how I felt also helped. Write down all your fears about the situation, then sit quietly and analyse it, scratch out all the points that you are not 100% sure will happen. In other words ask yourself this- " Do I know this will happen for a fact?' , if you cany answere yes then scratch that thought from your list. At the end of the day your list should be much shorter, the thing is that our minds always make things seem much worse than they really are. Once you see that your list is much shorter the situation doesnt seem as bad as you originally made out and it makes it just that easier to cope with.

 

AS for exercise, I never did any of that, I did shop alot which helped!

[friscodj]

What if you can't for any reason think of why you both shouldn't be apart?

 

You've got to believe in destiny...and that you two weren't destined to be together forever.

 

It helps me to look at it like this: everyone plays a role in everyone else's lives they meet. So look at what you guys did for each other, showed each other, and what you learned. Then chalk it up to those purposes she served in your life.

 

Perhaps too you could make a positive change in your life now, and attribute that change to her presense in your life. That way, you can look back and say that she made a lasting impression on your life by making it better. For example, you pick up a new hobby that keeps your mind off of her. Then you get really good at that hobby and start teaching and helping others excel at it as well. You will walk away with the satisfaction of that and maybe you even meet your future soulmate through it as well...all because of your ex's influence on your life...