at wits end

[oorwullie2905]

Please can you help ? my girlfriend of 14 years has left for the 3rd time but this time there is another man involved who i don't know or have seen. We have 2 boys who have been split apart one with her and one with me please please can you help it is so hard, I really don't know what to do my son is so heartbroken as am i and i want her back

[DN]

Please can you help ? my girlfriend of 14 years has left for the 3rd time but this time there is another man involved who i don't know or have seen. We have 2 boys who have been split apart one with her and one with me please please can you help it is so hard, I really don't know what to do my son is so heartbroken as am i and i want her back

 

I wish there was some way that I could tell you of that would get her back - but there is not. This is going to be really hard for you but you have to try your best to cope and be strong for your sons, especially the one who is with you.

 

Some questions: why were you not married and why are the boys split up? What are their ages.

[lady00]

Someone once said, a relationship that is off and on is never really on. I believe that. What you're going through is tough, especially with children involved. Just try your best to look out for your kids while healing from the break up. Try to take joy in you relationship with your children and in caring for them. Kids are so full of energy and life, they tend to brighten things up. I know it's not much help, but at least its something good in your life that you can find hope in. Make sure that when you get a chance you allow yourself to experience your feelings, talk about them, and let them out. Confide in your friends. Good luck with everything.

[avman]

Hello there and welcome to eNotalone,

 

This must be very hard for you and we will try to help you as best we can. We might need some more information from you to get a good idea of what is going on.

 

You said she's left you twice before. Are these all recently? Or is this over the 14 years? I'm curious about the circumstances of these break ups to see if these are temporary things or if she's really made a decision to move on.

 

She has taken one of your children but left the other? Do you want custody of both? Or just to see her more? What exactly would you like to happen regarding your children? As lady00 mentions it is so very hard with children involved, but you need to look out for them and do what is in their best interest.

 

How do you know another man is involved?

[oorwullie2905]

She never wanted to get married we were engaged shes never ever knew what she wanted and she has 2 sisters and her mother who all done the same and ended up losing there children.My sons are aged 12 and 3 and the 12yr old is with me but its the 2nd time shes done it to him and i always said 2 her she is different and i know she is. But what can i do ?

[avman]

Calm down ok? We're here to help you.

 

Do you know where your other child is? Can you go retrieve him and keep him with you?

[avman]

Sorry, hit that enter button too fast.

 

If you can keep him with you I'd suggest visiting a lawyer and filing for paternity and custody. Even if you can't get him with you now, I'd still see a lawyer and get things legally set up. Unmarried fathers have shockingly few rights unless they get them established through the court. Your sons need a stable home right now and not to be shuffled around and split up.

[oorwullie2905]

i love my kids so very much i would fight to the ends of the earth for them i would take them both in a minute without a breath taken and i would take her back to its the third time in 14yrs the second time was 2 and a half yrs ago which feels just now like yesterday and i want the warm love and bein a family for my children i think maybe it was my fault because i didnt communicte enough and now i think shes found a shoulder to cry on but i love her and the kids with all ive got that i forgive her.

[oorwullie2905]

sorry she told me monday past when she came to pick him up that shes been seeing someone for the past 6 weeks

[avman]

Well my friend you need to have some respect for yourself too. She's been cheating on you while you were engaged and has now left you for someone else. You are not obligated to take her back and if I were you I wouldn't be so quick to allow her to come back at all.

 

She's left 3 times. You don't say whether each time was to leave with someone else but I suspect it was. This doesn't sound to me like she's treating you very well regardless of your relationship issues.

 

Right now I'd just let her be and focus on those kids. Get them with you, file for custody, and let her do whatever she's going to do. Once this hurt passes (and it will, even if right now you feel that it won't) you will probably come to realize that this woman was not good for you.

[oorwullie2905]

Thanks from the bottom of my heart i will respect your advice and follow it through as strongly as possible for my sanity and my sons thanks

[DN]

avman gave you some good advice there and it is a good thing that you intend to follow it. I can tell from the way you write just how upset you are and that is entirely understandable. But you need to try and put your emotions in deep freeze for a while, at least as far as she is concerned. That will allow you to make the best decisions, both for the sake of yous sons and for your own.

 

Follow the lawyer's advice and do not allow her to manipulate your emotions - this is a time to be calm and rational, as best you can.

 

Post on here as often as you need to and we will help you as much as we can. Don't do anything rash without consulting your lawyer, or asking on here about it first.

 

Good luck to you - you came to the right place.

[Relationship Coach]

oorwullie,

I feel your pain and you need to do everything right now to protect your rights as your boys father. As for your wife, focusing on getting her back right now will only impede what your main focus should be, your boys. Your wife has a history of being flighty and indecisive, you cannot predict what she will do and the mere fact that she would not marry you after 14 years pretty much indicates that she never intended to stay in this relationship. The boys need to be together, it's bad enough they have been stripped of a parent but they should not be stripped from each other. Get with an attorney ASAP! Your GF has shown you how much she loves you by cheating on you the past 6 weeks, use that as motivation to get your head on straight and make your sons your priority. You can't win her back right now but you can stop the kids from ending up the big losers.

 

RC

[Bethany]

I agree with everyone. But as a mother I cannot help but think that your children need to be together and stay together and I cannot understand why she allowed them to be separated AT ALL. I certainly would not have, for any man.

 

I think you should talk to your 12 year old and explain what has happened as he is old enough to understand and tell him that although he is apart from them, it doesn't mean that he has done something wrong or is not loved by them anymore, if you haven't already that is.

 

And also, ask him if he would rather be with his Mum and his brother or stay with you. He must be feeling so lost at the moment. My heart goes out to you and your children. Take care and Good luck.

[DN]

I agree with everyone. But as a mother I cannot help but think that your children need to be together and stay together and I cannot understand why she allowed them to be separated AT ALL. I certainly would not have, for any man.

 

I think you should talk to your 12 year old and explain what has happened as he is old enough to understand and tell him that although he is apart from them, it doesn't mean that he has done something wrong or is not loved by them anymore, if you haven't already that is.

 

And also, ask him if he would rather be with his Mum and his brother or stay with you. He must be feeling so lost at the moment. My heart goes out to you and your children. Take care and Good luck.

 

But he is their father and has as much right to have them with him as their mother - perhaps it is in the best interests of both children that they stay with their father rather than a mother who apparently only has her own interests at heart. It is not a question of what she 'allowed' - she should have no more say over what happens than their father.

 

Let's not buy into the stereotype that the mother is automatically the best parent or put any pressure on oorwullie2905 that he should give up his son just because he is the father and not the mother. He has enough distress in his life right now without that.

[Bethany]

But he is their father and has as much right to have them with him as their mother - perhaps it is in the best interests of both children that they stay with their father

 

Let's not buy into the stereotype that the mother is automatically the best parent.

 

I do agree that Dad's get a raw deal, and which ever parent it is, the kids need to be loved and together unless they understand and agree to be apart, or at least understand that it's nothing they have done.

It wasn't said to add pressure,or because I think that kids belong with their Mum. I was just speaking as a parent because I am one and I worry and feel for the children.

[Hope75]

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. ((BIG HUG to you))

 

I have to agree with Avman. In order for a relationship to work both partners have to want it to work and put in equal effort to do so. In this case your ex is not pulling her weight, and is in fact pursuing someone else. I know this hurts and is very difficult to handle, but you've got to try and pull yourself together in the interest of your kids. They are what's important now.

 

Regardless of whether or not your ex wants to be with you, you are both always going to be the parents of these two beautiful boys and for that alone you have to do what you can to be a good father and look out for their best interests.

 

It really sounds as though you have been dragged through the mud here.

 

Have you considered counseling? (for yourself,- to help organize your thoughts and feelings?)

[sonjam]

I too worry about the other child oorwullie, I'm not saying she's a bad person, I'm saying the other child must be hurting too, and now her main interest is obviously this new love, and not the child.

 

I think you should really try hard to get them together again. You and your sons are a family, and even though a single parent family can have a lot less hurt, and alot more love. Kids can give you the kind of love you need to heal your heart.