Does it seem like he really loves me?

[SandyD]

I´ve been with my boyfriend for 9 months now. We´re both in our late 20s. We´ve known eachother for a year. There are some things that bother me and I wanted to ask what you guys think, since my boyfriend says I am getting worked up over nothing...

 

-He acts distant (no kissing, hugging, touching) unless he´s had a beer. After a few sips, his hands automatically come towards me. I find that weird. When we first started going out, he wouldn´t even sit by me in public. He would tell me how in love he was with me, but then ignore me when we were out. I understand he might be shy, although he wasn´t shy about talking to other people, but this seems like too much.

 

-We went travelling together for New Years, I spent half a day travelling to meet him at his parents after not seeing him for about a week. We spent another day travelling to get to our destination. He never kissed me (not even a peck) until the next day, at night, in bed, when he wanted sex.

 

-He has to travel a lot due to work. We spent an entire month apart at one point. When he gets back, he will usually spend a few hours with me and then go drinking with friends or something else. Last time he came back, he had gone out with friends and called me after a few hours to say he was going home. The next day his friend blurted out about their crazy night, which my boyfriend hadn´t told me about. Turns out he didn´t go home. Some girl was hitting on him, and asked him and his friends over to her house to drink a bottle of vodka, and my boyfriend ended up being pulled over by cops on his way home. He said he would´ve eventually told me about it, but he didn´t want me to be upset or jealous. He was the one who told me about the girl.

 

-He just bought a Skype phone. I suspect he bought it to speak to his ex who is in another country. He´s only online to speak to her, and the other day I logged on and he had a picture of her dog on his msn. When he travels, he calls me from payphones since he doesn´t have a cell. I think it´s strange that he doesn´t seem to have a need to talk to me when he is away (he´ll go for 5 days without contacting me - he says it´s beacuse it´s expensive and we don´t have to speak everyday).

 

-He never spends any money on me. He´s in grad school and doesn´t have much money. I always pay my half of everything. He gets a student discount on tickets and such, and I pay full price when he invites me out. He doesn´t have a car, so we end up using mine, and he never offers gas money. - One time I had to drive him all over town to run errands and buy some hard to find items before one of his trips. He didn´t even offer to pay for the 50 cent cup of coffee I had. We went out for a pizza before he had to travel that night, and I almost cried when he made me pay my half since I was his chauffeur the whole day. I swallowed the tears and didn´t say anything.

 

-He tries to get himself out of paying for things. I think this reflects character. Once, at my favorite hangout, the waiter brought a drink and forgot to charge for it. He didn´t say anything. He tried to do the same thing at another place, but the waiter caught on. He has stolen a small bottle of pepper sauce from a supermarket.

 

-I never see him during the daytime. It´s usually me driving out to his place to sleep. I always have a hard time getting him to go out with me and my friends. He says he doesn´t have money, yet he´ll go out with his roomates to drink beer. I remember once I was upset because he backed out of going out with me because he said he had no money, and the next day he had bought a punching bag with his roomates.

 

-I end up going out to socialize alone since he won´t go with me. He doesn´t seem to mind. He´ll usually ask me to come sleep at his place afterwards. Sometimes I´ll go to a club with friends, and then drive accross town at 3 in the morning to sleep with him.

 

There are other things, but these are the things that are aggravating me the most now. Of course, there are good things or I wouldn´t have lasted this long with him. But somehow I´m starting to forget what they are, except for the fact that he says that he loves me. Does he sound like he does?

[BellaDonna]

Hi SandyD.

 

From reading your post- it seems like there are a lot of huge red flags waving, in regards to your current relationship.

 

Aside from the drinking problem and lying about his "crazy night out"...and his lack of desire to make you a priority in his life over beer- I'd say the worst part is the deep level of incompatability when it comes to affection.

 

If you are someone that needs affection (as most people do) then you will never be happy with him.

 

The amount of affection one displays is a combination of many factors: personality, upbringing, pride, etc. If he does not like to show affection other than sex- this is not something you can change about him. It's who he is.

 

I guess the question is whether you are willing to settle for such a partner- when you clearly want affection- and the lack of it is hurting you.

 

From what you listed- I am seeing a lot of bad- and I don't think there's anything "good" you could write to counter it that I would be good enough to outweigh the bad.

 

I think you should really think long and hard to evaluate this relationship, specifically what you get out of it- and if it's worth all these costs?

 

BellaDonna

[annie24]

I strongly agree with everything BellaDonna wrote. What are the good things that you are getting? Are they outweighing the bad? Maybe he's just not an affectionate guy, but is a person like that really who you want to spend the next 60 years of your life with? And I would venture to guess that after 9 months of dating, this is as affectionate as he'll ever get.

 

He seems to make you feel really bad with his money habits. How he'll make you pay your own way, but will go out drinking with his buddies. Does he make you feel special when he does that?

 

I would also reconsider staying in this relationship.

[starfish]

Hey SandyD,

My ex used to be the same way to me. He would make sure to make me pay for my half of everything. Generally if we took cabs, I would end up paying entirely. We were both working initially, so I didn't say anything about it. Then I went to school and he was still working and making quite a bit of money. And he would still hound me for my share of everything. He also never bothered to pay cab fare, and if I paid for anything for the two of us, he wouldn't ever pay me back. Finally I told him point blank that I thought he was cheap. He actually was surprised and then went to great lengths to make sure that didn't happen. In fact he stopped asking me to pay for things. I would try to make up in whatever ways I could - like if we went out for a dinner or something, and it wasn't too expensive I would cover it.

 

But I think in the end it did bother him, because he was a high spender - on himself. I know his dad was having financial difficulties, and I told him to help his father out, but he said he wouldn't. I guess he felt the same way about me and my not being able to spend big (on him).

I think it's a worth a shot if you talk to your bf about it - maybe he will listen.

Same thing with the affection. I didn't get much affection from my ex, until I told him I needed it, and then he warmed up a little. But all the red flags were there - I should have heeded them, but didn't. In the end, you can ask all you want but if the other person is self-centered and selfish, it's really not going to change things much. I am not saying that your bf is like this. You should try talking to him (you probably already have), and make him understand how important these issues are to you.

[Itsok]

Sorry Sandy, but this guy is bad news and you know it.

 

You can see the flags waving in all directions. He just isn't compatible with you for one, and he's a no goodnik for two.

 

Get out of this before you regret it.

[Confessoress]

Nothing good could possibly outweigh the bad things you have told us.

 

Surely you have enough self respect for yourself to know you deserve better than this. I was rather disgusted at the way he treats you. I openly admit I'm insecure and put up with probably more than I should in relationships, but not even I would put up with what you've decribed.

[SandyD]

Thanks for the replies guys. I ended up having a phone conversation with him and expressed my lack of desire to continue the relationship. He´s at his parents. Of course it went bad, he said "it´s all in your head" about one thousand times, he pointed out some of my personality flaws (such as being shy and that I keep people at a slight distance) and blamed me for everything. It´s confusing because he knows the right thing to say to make me feel guilty, like I´m making all of it up! He said I was acting like a victim.

 

I´m scared he´ll come back and talk me into this pseudo-relationship once more. He has a way of making me feel like I shouldn´t be or want the things I want, which are, in the end, only affection and genuine caring.

[RayKay]

Ugh, I am seriously left wondering what is GOOD about this guy?

 

It's not all about the money, but it is about decency, respect, and class. And this guy seems to be lacking all three...while me and my boyfriend are both on tight budgets, we are never stingy with one another. To me, that is a reflection of character as well. It just seems very stingy that he won't offer to buy you pizza! It's like if you ask your buddies over to help move, you should give them some beer and pizza at least....

 

I am also VERY concerned about the lack of affection. The fact that he does not seem to want to touch you, caress or hold you seems to me...peculiar. Sheesh, I go a day without seeing my boyfriend and he will be there with a huge hug for me. If you are someone whom likes affection, touching it is very hard to be with someone whom is not that way.

 

The lying about his whereabouts, and to get out of spending time with you, or meeting your friends, is also concerning. Something is not adding up! The way he really compartmentalizes your relationship in when you spend time together, when you can talk, etc. Ugh.

 

All this just adds up to make me curious what is going on in his head and what he is thinking. Have you two ever discussed the future together?

 

Just saw your last post...ugh, do NOT let him talk you back into it if that is his response. He sounds stingy, and like a control freak if that is his reaction! He is reacting because honestly, he knows you deserve better then him, and wants the control. It is NOT too much to want to feel loved.

[annie24]

Ditto to what RayKay said. Don't go back to him! Don't let him make you feel like it's all in your head! It's not. Just come back here and read the responses to your thread. Plenty of other, objective people are telling you that there are red flags.

 

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Like raykay said, there are plenty of ways to be generous, even if you are flat broke. Hugs, kisses, and springing for a slice of pizza don't require much money. Can you imagine going the rest of your life without affection? Only getting kisses when he wants sex? Uggghh!!!!

 

You've been concerned about this relationship for a while, I remember your posts from a few months back. I think you're better off without him! A relationship should make you happy! You shouldn't have to feel like you are settling for less than you deserve.

[Itsok]

He will try to draw you back with guilt trips and being manipulative. Don't let him, you are worth more than that.

 

Remember that the definition of insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results. This guy isn't going to change. Be careful, he could get all insane from this as well.

[SandyD]

Yesterday he had called me asking me what I wanted him to do (not call, call, come back to town, not come back). I got very angry and we hung up on a bad tone. This morning he called to say he was in town and I went over to talk.

It was good to see him, I had missed him.

 

We sat down and talked about the affection and trust issues. I still can´t bring myself to talk about the money thing, I´d probably just end up calling him a cheap bastard. He agreed that he isn´t very affectionate outside of sex, and he had never really thought about it. It was like a revelation. To everything, he said we could work it out somehow and that his feelings for me were true. Then he goes on about how love is also about acceptance, about understanding eachother´s faults and making it work so we´re both happy and bla bla bla. He didn´t pressure me to be with him or anything, he knows I have to make that decision for myself. And it´s so hard. But he said he was sure he wanted to be with me.

 

And I know I can´t ignore the writing on the wall and all the red flags. But this is harder than I thought it would be, because deep down I do believe him, I do think he is just a thickheaded male who does some stupid things because he doesn´t know any better. But maybe it´s just because I missed him so, and I want everything to be alright.

 

I left without making any decisions.

 

I guess I really need some support right now if I´m going to go on without him, to know it´s the right thing. I know you all told me he was bad news, I guess I need someone to say it again.

 

Thanks guys...

[annie24]

I think he's bad news....

 

you see the red flags yourself. He just sounds kind of selfish. Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with???

[RayKay]

Then he goes on about how love is also about acceptance, about understanding eachother´s faults and making it work so we´re both happy and bla bla bla.

 

Sounds to me though that this is a rather one-sided deal, he wants you to "understand" his faults...which are not just small flaws, but big red flags. He is in my opinion trying to guilt you into staying.

 

It's your choice, but in my opinion you should ensure you see some action from his part if you are going to try again. I have a feeling he may stick to it for a month or so then fall back into his habits.

 

 

He agreed that he isn´t very affectionate outside of sex, and he had never really thought about it.

 

Being affectionate outside of sex is not something someone should have to "think about". They should do it as they want to....they should FEEL the desire to want to.

 

Honestly honey, I think he is just selfish from everything you said. And he is not going to just "switch" to being unselfish overnight.

[BellaDonna]

Then he goes on about how love is also about acceptance, about understanding eachother´s faults and making it work so we´re both happy and bla bla bla.

 

I agree with that- to an extent. For instance, in a marriage, you do have to try to "make it work" at times- because life can throw some curveballs at you- and a marriage always takes "understanding" to keep it strong and healthy.

 

However -you dated this guy for mere months- don't you think it's a little early, and a little presumptuous for him to be telling you that you should accept things the way they are and have "make them work". At this early stage of a relationship- it should be like a honeymoon- everything should be great , forget "making it work". You should not be at that point yet!

 

He's basically telling you to deal with it.

 

You have the right to be choosy at this early stage of the relationship. If this man is not what you want- and can't make you happy -you can leave him. You don't have to "make it work". That's the good news.

 

It's time to open yourself up to new possibilities and allow yourself to be happy. You can find someone more compatable with you- and things will work out NATURALLY and SMOOTHLY- without having to "make it work" and without having to sacrifice your own beliefs and happiness.

 

I think you should try full no contact with him. Right now you're missing him- and it's just helping him to put you on a guilt trip. Initiate full no contact- so you can realize that life does go on without him. Then you'll be stronger and you'll be able to see the situation much more clearly.

 

 

BellaDonna

[SandyD]

We had some more talks and have been basically hanging out all the time since he´s gotten back. He knew I was very confused and so just made himself available to talk, and we had some very long talks.

 

He told me about his feelings for me being solid true, and how torn he was that I wanted out again, how he got nauseous (I know, VERY dramatic). He´s been more affectionate, we´ve been kissing more than we´ve ever kissed before. He has a cell phone now. He´s gone out with my friends and we had a blast, and he was even willing to go to a nightclub which he hates just because I wanted to go (I know this isn´t something that will ever become a habit though, he´s just trying hard to get on my good side). He´s subtly tried to initiate talks about the future (I freeze though).

 

So I know he is trying hard to get back in my good graces. I know this nice little phase won´t last, but I think that we did break some ground. So I´m allowing myself to see if this is going to be good or not. If things start to go downhill again, I´ll let him go for good. I guess I´m testing him, and I´m giving us the last proverbial shot.

 

I know you guys will say I´m stupid and dumb, but I feel like I need to do this. I don´t feel like he´s pressured me into it, he´s not a controlling person... he´s very laid back and quite shy. And yeah, it certainly has not been an easy/smooth ride, but I have to be sure that maybe it´s not me who is actually partly to blame.

[BellaDonna]

I don't think you're stupid. You at least realize what he is doing:

 

 

So I know he is trying hard to get back in my good graces. I know this nice little phase won´t last, but I think that we did break some ground. So I´m allowing myself to see if this is going to be good or not. If things start to go downhill again, I´ll let him go for good. I guess I´m testing him, and I´m giving us the last proverbial shot.

 

There's nothing wrong with giving him one more chance, just as long as you are true to yourself and you actually do follow through on what you said and leave him if things start to go downhill again.

 

 

BellaDonna