Jealousy/Insecurity has struck me.... badly

[Jaybo123]

Im new to this forum, and the only reason i joined is because of this problem. And i will probably keep comin back for advice in the future if people give me some good advice. This might be tedious to read, but i need people to read it all to appreciate it and be able to give proper advice. Thanks.

 

Im 18, my girlfriend is 16. We have been together for nearly 6 months. And its both of our first long term relationship. Things were going good. Until last thursday, she was watching Soap Star Superstar, and said "oh my god he's gorgeous" about the lad from Coronation Street. I didnt say anything at the time, probably because it didnt hit me properly. Then about half an hour later of me thinking about what she said and being quiet, i brought it up, she didnt think she said it. Then told me she was thinking it in her head and didnt realise she said it out loud. Then i didnt believe her. She said sorry and i was so pissed off i couldnt talk to her properly. I text her in the night when i got home and talked to her on msn, she was apologetic and then went to bed. The next day i kept texting her, then revealed she did know she said it out loud, but didnt think i would react like that. Then when she got home she said she would never hurt me on purpose and that it dont matter anyway because he is famous and she has no chance, but that just doesnt help, i wouldnt care if he lived over the road from her or off the television. And then she said he was a "nerd off the television", but that was just a pathetic attempt to making me feel better.

 

I think its the thought of her having sexual thoughts like that. I mean everyone is attracted to other people, but i have never mentioned a girl or woman is "gorgeous" in case it would hurt her or make her feel unappreciated or that shes not good enough. It just mystified me, as to why she would say it infront of me. Do any of you have an idea why she did it is the first question?? I know her, and she is dozy sometimes, and to be fair it could have just slipped out, in which case i will give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

Anyway she knew how much it upset and angered me, especially as havent been the happiest person lately due to college and thinking about my future in university. But tonight, we were watching a film, and a man walked in, im not gay but i know when a male has a good body, and this man had like huge pecs, and very defined six pack, and walked in with no top on, and she gasped sort of in excitement, and i raised it this time straight away and said "why did you gasp", she said "my chin hurt me" and i said "you sure its not because that man walked in with no top on? and she replied "no i was picking a spot on my chin and it hurt." I let it slide. We ended up having sex after the film. And after she went home, i jus was remembering like i do how good the night was, and then the gasp she did ran past my mind again, and i became enraged, and at the end of a text saying good night i mentioned it, and she said dont start this again, and that he looks like a horrible drug addict, and again im not gay or stupid, but i know for a fact the actor is good looking with a perfect body, so it seems she is using the same tactic she did last thursday. And i txt her back, saying we wil talk about it tomorow.

 

Basically i just want either your advice on what i should say to her, comments on what you think is happening to me or her or jus general comments, or all if you would be so kind.

 

PS: Ive talked to some girls i know about this, and theyhave said my girlfriend was testing to see how much i "loved" her and see if i got protective etc. but i dont think my girlfriend would do something like that, she isnt stupid, but kinda dozy in a cute way and it could have jus slipped out. Anyway i would love to hear many replies as i cant talk to my friends about something like this. I can only think to myself, and talk to my girlfriend, and now i will have the help of eNoteAlone hopefully.

 

Im also aware it could be me being insecure by the way.

 

Anyway thanks for the posts.

 

Jay

[melrich]

Yes I do think it is you being insecure.

 

As you pointed out, just because you are going out with someone does not mean you stop noticing how good looking some people are. Personally I think it is good that she says it out loud, better than her keeping her thoughts to herself.

 

My partner and I are always pointing out good looking people. I do think you should try and chill about this and accept that she still finds other people good looking....that does not mean she loves you any less or that she has any intention of acting on her thoughts.

[venus777]

yes, you are being insecure and overly jealous. you are making her lie by getting upset with her about something you frankly have no right to get upset about.

i think that there are certain things that are inappropriate like ooogling excessively instead of just saying you think someone is beautiful or goodlooking or gorgeous or whatever. fact is, she is gonna say those things with her girlfriends, so you pressuring her to behave differently around you is going to put a strain on your relationship.

[Jaybo123]

yes, im glad for you and your relationship you can be so open about things like that, but its not that im worrying about her escaping with these males, its just that i dont want her to be pointing out how "gorgeous" they are, or that there bodies are so perfect that it makes her gasp!! I always knew she would be attracted to other males, but i would ove her to just think it to herself and not notify me. Ever since her caling out and saying the lad was "gorgeous" everytime we are watching television for example im thinking, i wonder if she fancies her, i wonder if she would * * * * him if she was single etc.

 

Another point is that, she told me she knows how much pain it put me through, and how it made me feel insecure or not good enough as shes looking at these very good looking males and pointing it out to me! She said she wouldnt like it if it was the other way around, she said she wouldnt be as bad as i have been but it would still annoy her.

[venus777]

yeah, but i just think you're harping about something totally trivial. and so WHAT if she fantasizes about a man. that's her mind. not yours. so leave her alone. or she'll leave you.

[Jaybo123]

please reply to this if you can, as i need all the advice and comments i can get, as im so conflicted about what to do. Thanks

[Jaybo123]

i see your point but, i think you have got me wrong slightly. I dont want to control her mind or anything like that, im sure he gets horny, or fantasizes sometimes about other men, but that is for her at home or in her private thoughts, i dont want to know who she thinks is gorgeous or has a perfect body, as it puts pictures in my head i dont want there, and i cant watch the program that the lad is on now, because i keep thinking what doe she have that i havent got etc.

 

My head is really mucked up at the moment.

[melrich]

Well if that is the way you think I guess all you can do is tell her that you don't like her saying these things and then hope she does not in the future and that she is Ok with it.

[Jaybo123]

i know i said it to her thursday, she said she wouldnt say anything like that again, but this time she didnt, but it was an excited gasp, which is just as bad that his body nearly took her breath away, when i see a good looking woman i dont make noises or say anything, i just keep it to myself, because i know my girlfriend wouldnt be interested, and she might think i am trying to hint something by going on about how good looking another woman is, or how perfect her body is or how big her breasts are.

[melrich]

Jaybo,

 

What are you asking? It sounds like the gasp was not controllable, like a sneeze.

 

She can't take it back. I'm not sure what it is you think can be done about this?

[Jaybo123]

i just dont want her to be telling me or letting me know in any way who she thinks is good looking. It depresses me and makesme feel more insecure about my looks and my body. Im decent looking, and im not fat, im just slim, but i have been trying to gain muscle in the past, and wanted to bulk up, but it jus didnt work. So i got very angry atmyself and her that she saw this guy's body as perfect as it was very muscular.

[melrich]

Ok so you've told her. Hopefully she won't do it again and will keep these feeling to herself. I'm just not sure what else can be done. As I said, she can't take back the past.

[Jaybo123]

i know yes thats true. Can you give me any advice into not being insecure about not having huge muscles and being stunningly good looking, i think that would solve half of the problem straight away. Thanks

[melrich]

Well I don't know if it is advice but most people have to accept that they are not the best looking or most muscular person in the world.

 

So when your g/f says something like "wow look at the abs on that guy" you should try and remember that she is not saying yours are no good or that she wishes yours were as good, she's just making a simple observation, not a comment on you.

 

I really think you would be far better off taking the view that a favorable comment about another guy is not a negative comment about you and that it is better that she feels she can share anything with you than it is that she feel she has to bottle things up.

 

It's really just a mindset thing rather than advice.

[Jaybo123]

Yea i wil try that, thanks man. Its horrible but i have a strong feeling, that it wouldnt matter even if i knew she wasnt trying to be negative about me, i just dont like her looking at men in a sexual way in front of me, by all means she can by herself or her girlfriends though. Do you get what i mean? Its hard to explain sometimes.

[annie24]

I agree with melrich. It's good that she's open with you, about what she thinks and feels. If she wanted to be with a guy with huge pecs, she would be with him, not with you. If she's with you, it's because she's attracted to you and is into you!

 

I often point out attractive men AND women to my partner, or talk about such things, and it's not meant to make him insecure or whatever, I'm just sharing my feelings. But my partner is still #1 in my eyes. When I notice attractive men, I notice them in the same way I would notice a pretty dress in the store, or a new designer handbag while window shopping. You know like, "wow - that's a pretty color of dress!" or "wow - he has a nice haircut!" It's on that level, nothing less, nothing more.

[Jaybo123]

well i am only 18 you must remember, im not hugely experienced in relationships at all. Its new to me. And i know for a fact i could never accept her talking about other men in that way, as i dont see how it is productive at all to a relationship, i dont see a point to it.Especially to this relationship, because i cant take the thought of her sharing her fantasies about OTHER men, famous or non famous. i knw she picked me, but it puts thoughts in my mind like, if a male with huge pecs, stunning smile an face approached her at the same time i did, that she would pick him instead.

[Tigris]

Jaybo if you're not careful you will push your girlfriend away by having these insecurities.

 

I've been having a similar problem recently and I've been struggling with it. I'm in a long distance relationship. My Fiancee is very attractive and lives in Australia. I live in England. She is a wonderful woman and makes me very happy. My problem was jealousy through feeling insecure at being so far away. It's not that I don't trust her, it's the people around her I don't trust!

 

You're in a better position than me, your girfriend is with you. You need to control yourself if she makes a comment or a gasp of pleasure. All you have to learn to do is remain silent. Bite your lip if you have to but don't make a comment or get angry. In time it'll get easier to accept.

 

If you still can't manage to control this yourself go and see a counsellor for advice.

 

Good luck

[Jaybo123]

yea im from england too. Thing is though, if she said it about some one i nreall ife like one of her friends or one of mine etc, i wud really let her have it. But even though these people are famous it seems like an indirect attack on my looks. It just dont seem fair i dont make or have ever made comments about women as i knew or thought it wud affect her. So i wanted her to show me the same kind of courtesy.

[annie24]

Thing is though, if she said it about some one i nreall ife like one of her friends or one of mine etc, i wud really let her have it.

 

YIKES!!! Sorry, but that is really scary!!! Are you talking about hitting her, or yelling at her?

 

Like Tigris said, I think you should get your insecurities under wraps, or else, you'll push her away and she'll leave you.

 

I think you should maybe talk to a therapist about the root of your insecurity issues.

 

She's not attacking you when she says another human is attractive. How would you feel if she said some female actress is attractive? You probably wouldn't care. She's just commenting, nothing else.

 

I really think you'll push her away if you keep up the jealousy....

[Jaybo123]

i need advice on here, im not the type of person to go and see a therapist. and no i didnt mean hit her, i mean i would have a much bigger argument about it.

 

i just dont like the idea of her looking at men in that way, especially when they are have incredible bodies etc, its like me pointing out that she is fat. thats how much it affects me, and i know how much it would hurt her if i said something like "youve put weight on", as that would make her feel insecure, and that i like other girls.

[Jaybo123]

thanks for all the comments.

 

but could i have more people commenting so i can get a wider view on this issue.

[RayKay]

Hi jaybo,

 

Yes I think there is some insecurity here, but I also think you are both young, inexperienced, insecure and just not handling it well, so it is becoming a bigger issue then it has to be.

 

You cannot stop someone from looking, I would not expect my partner to walk around with a blindfold on....but looking does not mean they love you any less, it does not mean they will be unfaithful.

 

We are human beings, we are mammals, we will have an instinct to look at others and make some evaluations of them, whether we admit it or not.

 

Now, I do think your girlfriend should respect your boundaries and realize that openly gasping at soap stars (PS I LOVE Coronation Street.....) knowing how you feel is quite cruel, and I think for her it may INDEED be a test right now or a control issue, or a power struggle of sorts. Honestly, I do understand how you feel...it's not the fact she does it, it's the way she seems to disrespect how YOU may feel about it, or even be trying to rub it in in some way....

 

I would sit down with her, and tell her something along the lines..."I understand you are going to look at other men, women, whatever. However, it hurts me when you are so blatant about it in front of me. I would not do that to you because I know it would hurt your feelings, and I would appreciate it if you would in turn respect how I feel about it as well". Be calm, and firm about it.

[theantibarbie23]

thanks for all the comments.

 

but could i have more people commenting so i can get a wider view on this issue.

 

I agree 110% with the other posters here. Stop obsessing over this as it's not going to do anything for you. She did it, you didn't like it, the two of you discussed it, she hasn't done it again... let it go.

 

No one here can tell you how best to deal with your own inner demons. You need to find a way to accept the way you look and move past it. There is so much more to us as human beings than our appearances.

 

I myself am not very pretty and am certainly not thin but I've learned to love myself regardless. It's pointless and a total waste of time to spend all that energy feeling bad about yourself because you have physical flaws. I honestly don't know anyone who doesn't. Our flaws are part of what make us unique.

[KieranMc]

I read one line of your post

Im 18, my girlfriend is 16

 

There is your answer. She is too young and you are moving into adulthood. It aint ever going to work. Go for an older lady... they have fewer * * * * * fits and tend to be more independent.

 

Opinion given... awaiting the flameage.