How to get over that feeling of rejection?

[lonelyfish]

I know now that my ex breaking up with me was probably for the good. I really don't need to deal with all his baggage and complications, and he really has no idea what he wants out of life. I deserve someone that will give me all of their attention and see all the love in my heart that I have to give them. I just can't seem to get past that feeling of being rejected by someone. This is someone that everyone has told me I'm better of not being with at this point in his life. Just that rejection thing stings like hell! Why do I care so much, is it because in relationships we always want to have the upper hand in being the first one to end it if it doesn't seem to be working?

[lewisbn11]

i know the feeling. It feels like now you are the last person in the world who could get this person.

[gersanos]

I have a friend that read a quote along the lines of a break-up:

 

"In the game of love, there is only 1 parachute. It hurts a lot less if you leave first; the other one goes down with the plane."

 

I don't know if people consciously try to end it first to get the upper hand. I would not be surprised if some people do think along those lines, but I would think, or hope that is, that most don't.

 

Rejection stinks. It is like you said. In there eyes you are not worth it at this point in there life. How does that not make your self-esteem crumble? Especially someone you let get so close to you.

 

But such is life. We have to take risks, we have to make ourselves vulnerable at times. Through experience, and unfortunately, through getting rejected you learn (hopefully you learn from it). Going forward you know what to look for, what to steer clear of, spot the red flags, and find a more suitable partner: one that will reciprocate with you.

 

Take care.

[Relationship Coach]

LF,

Good question and it's certainly our nature to be hurt when forced out of a relationship, regardless of whether it was right for us or not. It's like being fired from a job that you hate and have no future with, it still hurts. We all like to be in control of our own destiny and when someone else steps in and changes it, our world spins out of control. Maybe this guy knew that his baggage and issues were too much and he figured he's beat you to the punch. Any way you look at it, sounds to me like you're much better off.

[Lady Bugg]

I like RC analogy of this....being fired from a job you hate. You'd rather be the one to quit and tell THEM where to stick it..LOL! At least you feel like you're leaving on YOUR terms.

 

Rejection hurts. It is an emotional slap in the face, and it stings. This is why the "dumper" always has a harder time moving on..I think because in some ways they try convincing the OTHER person they in fact worthy, or good enough....and spend WAY too much wondering "how dare you do this to ME"?

Rejection is something few people can master gracefully. Even those poor telemarketers who get screamed at by customers to go away and NEVER call back. I am sure even THEY have their days when they take it personal.

 

So don't feel bad LF...you are NOT alone in feeling this way.

[lonelyfish]

Thanks everyone for your replies! For the most part I'm doing really well, just every now and then that awful feeling creeps up on me that make me me think "is there something wrong with me?" I know I'm perfectly normal and a great catch that my ex is missing out on. It bites every so often. Glad to have all of your support! Thanks!

[Dako]

It helps for me to remember I was a good guy throughout the relationship, even if I was dumped.

Basing your self-worth only on the fact you were dumped ignores the big picture. I came to realize even good, loving people can get the shaft, and that's no reflection on their value.

As far as who does the dumping, control, power and all that stuff, what's the difference if it's over? Each person has to start over when the pain subsides.

[lonelyfish]

It helps for me to remember I was a good guy throughout the relationship, even if I was dumped.

Basing your self-worth only on the fact you were dumped ignores the big picture. I came to realize even good, loving people can get the shaft, and that's no reflection on their value.

As far as who does the dumping, control, power and all that stuff, what's the difference if it's over? Each person has to start over when the pain subsides.

 

Thanks Dako. You always say the wisest things!

[Lady Bugg]

Well said Dako...... LOL

[pos69sum]

yeah but the reality is, most people who do the dumping have some type of a 'backup plan' in mind when they break it off. so it's easier for them to 'start over', plus they don't have to deal with the baggage of dealing w rejection.

[Dako]

All things being equal, you're right.

However, I know a certain lady struggling with guilt and sadness over an major earth shift after she kicked someone to the curb. Dumping someone can have unforeseen complications, especially when there was something of value at one time. That makes it sad for all involved.

[Jut]

"In the game of love, there is only 1 parachute. It hurts a lot less if you leave first; the other one goes down with the plane.""

I liked the analogy, but from my experience i would like to add a bit to it.

1)The one who stays on the plane (and MAY be goes down with it) will surely survive just like the one who bailed out first. It might hurt more thogh.

2) During this time mwhen he/she is alone in the plane they will do everythign to make it work, but after the crash they will have a better understanding of how to make this kind of plane work whenever they get a fresh one.

 

SO find peace my friend, you are the winner i guess, you know how to steer the plane of a new relationship better than those who bailed out.

 

PS: And in case that plane is also going down, you might be the first one to know when to bail out.

[karen95]

i agree. i think that the dumpee is much more likely to look back at the relationship, and look at the mistakes that were made and are less likely to make those mistakes in future relationships.

[friscodj]

I'd like to chime in here with 2 thoughts for you:

 

1) The way I deal with rejection is I examine what happened in the relationship from my end, and I make a committment to myself to change or better some things I could have done better in the relationships. So I get dumped, look back on what happeneded, and say, "OK, next time I'm going to do this differently or not do this or that or work on this or that". That way, the rejection motivates you to be a better companion and I find my confidence goes up by looking at rejection as sort of a wake up call in that sense, pointing out ways I can be better for a better person and better relationship down the road.

 

2) Love the parachute analogy. Also, I really believe "what goes around comes around" especially in relationships and dating. SO many times I've been hurt with breakups and so many times I've been the one doing the hurting (unintentionally of course) with breakups. So my point is they will get theirs and you will get yours. Maybe that will make you feel more at ease with things? I believe in some way, shape, form and some time, seen or unseen, things even out like that...

[pos69sum]

i remember this superior attitude that my ex had to me after the breakup.

 

it's infuriating because she's actually worse than me, not better - she was the one who cheated.

[lonelyfish]

I'd like to chime in here with 2 thoughts for you:

Also, I really believe "what goes around comes around" especially in relationships and dating. SO many times I've been hurt with breakups and so many times I've been the one doing the hurting (unintentionally of course) with breakups. So my point is they will get theirs and you will get yours. Maybe that will make you feel more at ease with things? I believe in some way, shape, form and some time, seen or unseen, things even out like that...

 

Thanks Friscodj, yes, that does make me feel better and I do believe that. I know it will only be a matter of time before my ex gets his heart broken.

[brando]

In all reality neither have the upper hand. It depends on the individual. I think al of us have distorted views on love and relationships.The break ups the divorces i think sometimes help us crystalize what love means to us.

 

As far as the dumper having a back up plan, well i can't say for sure. I am one who never dumped a woman and ran to another immediately. But this is usually a rebound relationship, or an avoidance of whats going on inside the dumper.

 

I know a guy who was married with children, met a woman through his job, told his wife he met his soul mate and wanted a divorce. Well needless to say aftr a year with his soul mate, she dumped him....im sorry i still chuckle when i think of this story.

 

I guess it is all based on our perceptions, how we want to see it and how we want to think about it.

 

just my two cents.

[Lady Bugg]

Friscod.....Sorry but I HAD to ask..Huggies or Pampers???

[friscodj]

Friscod.....Sorry but I HAD to ask..Huggies or Pampers???

 

 

 

That avatar is up there to remind us to laugh at life...and that there is always someone else worse off than you!

 

I'd say Pampers though...

[Frangipani]

It's hard. What if you dont KNOW the specific reason? I mean my ex and I were compatible in every way it seemed and for 3.5 years we never had a major argument or worry. But then when i was worried about us not having any sex and asked why, he said he was 'not attractted to me that way anymore' but was happy to stay as we were.

 

We are no longer together, but I never have been given a reason for this change in him. He doesn't know either he says. There is no one else in his life or anything. I don't know what to fix about myself to change for next relationship as I have no answers.

[friscodj]

It's hard. What if you dont KNOW the specific reason? I mean my ex and I were compatible in every way it seemed and for 3.5 years we never had a major argument or worry. But then when i was worried about us not having any sex and asked why, he said he was 'not attractted to me that way anymore' but was happy to stay as we were.

 

We are no longer together, but I never have been given a reason for this change in him. He doesn't know either he says. There is no one else in his life or anything. I don't know what to fix about myself to change for next relationship as I have no answers.

 

Those are probably THE hardest to get over. The only thing that comes to mind is that "it wasn't meant to be". As trite as that sounds, it sounds like it is true here from your description.

 

So how do you get over something like that? Did you guys have a serious talk about this? Asked hard questions and received hard answers?

 

I'd think long and hard about what happened and try to reach a resolution in your own mind at least. Use your best judgment to make your own answers and believe in them, it's really all you can do. He is probably sincere when he says he doesn't know either. With time you'll come to accept the situation as being just "not meant to be" I think.

 

I've been in a similar situation, although not to the duration of yours. What happened with us was we both didn't know why it wasn't working out, so we kept trying and forcing things, breaking up and getting back together, until we just got so fed up with the "wrongness" of this ridiculous on-again-off-again situation. We got the answer through sheer effort, pain, and frustration, that's what we did.

[lonelyfish]

I don't know what to fix about myself to change for next relationship as I have no answers.

 

I think a lot times in relationships it has nothing to do with you but the other person's feelings. I think as being a dumpee we often come out of the relationship thinking there is something wrong with "us" and not the person deciding to end the relationship. We, the dumpees often come out thinking that there is something wrong with us and that is totally not the case. It sucks being the dumpee but we have to believe there was more of reason for ending things than just ourselves.

[deejay74]

I think a lot times in relationships it has nothing to do with you but the other person's feelings. I think as being a dumpee we often come out of the relationship thinking there is something wrong with "us" and not the person deciding to end the relationship. We, the dumpees often come out thinking that there is something wrong with us and that is totally not the case. It sucks being the dumpee but we have to believe there was more of reason for ending things than just ourselves.

 

so when the dumper gives us the "it's not you, it's me" line, we should accept that as the truth? i am not so sure about this. sometimes, actually most of the time, i think the dumper feeds the dumpee that line because they're too scared to tell the dumpee the truth. either that or they're trying to save the other person's feelings. haven't we all seen the Seinfeld episode regarding this?

 

on one hand it's admirable that the dumper is protecting the dumpees feeling, but i think in the long run, the truth is best. yes, it may hurt more, but it will help the dumpee move on quicker. i got that line when my ex dumped me and part of me feels like she was no longer attracted to me anymore. if this is the case, i would've rather heard that because now i will always have that thought in the back of my head that we can reconcile. if it was something i did that caused the break up, i want to know so i don't do it again.

 

just a thought...

[lonelyfish]

Well maybe some people are the exception. I know I'm a great person and I believe I did nothing wrong to cause the ultimate end of the relationship. But like everyone, I can learn from this relationship but I still think it takes two to tango - it's there or it's not and if one person is not feeling it then all the better. If one does see the need to work on why the relationship didn't work then more the better to improve yourself - I just think to blame oneself is not always the way to go - you end up taking the blame and it makes you feel like *hit. Take the overal experience and move on. In regards to reconciling with an ex I think in the larger picture it will be meant to be if it happes and we should all take it as that. Things have a way at working themselves out for the better. Most important is that you stay positive in life!

[Mstyiyd]

Ohhhh yeah.....I am FEELING this thread tonite!! Thanks Lonelyfish....I've been thinking alot about this myself. If it makes you (or anyone else) feel better, I've been sick with worry this past week about my relationship w/my ex. I go thru phases w/my stress level, so I keep working alot and surrounding myself w/my RELIABLE friends.

 

My ex told me for months, no joke---on a weekly basis....."What it comes down to is you want me and I dont want you"...."Don't build your world around me"....."You know where we stand?"....."Don't read into this"....

EXACT quotes. And they usually were brought up out of the blue...we could be driving to get smthg to eat and it would rear its ugly head. And this was someone I was very close to before we got together (this was the 1st person I was every friends w/before we became intimate)....and stood by her EVERY DAY when she had cancer. Slept in the hard chair by her bedside, took my own vacation time from work to be there for chemo tx's, learned to do the bandaging, went to dr's appts.....Yes, I know that was my choice but at the time I wouldn't have done differently. None of us know if we'll ever need someone like that in our lives....if we got sick.

She also had asked me to be w/her.

Now---at 40something, she is a regular hard partier at the local bar.....she doesnt sleep around, but Im sure there's a roving eye. And she doesn't want me and wants anyone who will listen to know.

I don't get it either. Why are some people never friggin' satisfied? As a 3x dumpee, Im trying to now evaluate what these people have that lure me in to their unhealthy environments. Because save for my dating history, I have the rest of my life together. Been rejected by all 3 of the last women I've been with. My 1st g/f in college never treated me bad. This has messed with my head because I never think Im good enough.

I make good money, have my own place, I'm attractive, have a good family and good friends. I'm like an unfamous reese witherspoon like that. And yet I can't find someone to date that isn't mental.

Sorry.....major PMS this week! But I feel the sting of rejection and it makes me more sad than mad. This thread has been helpful tonite.