How to get over that feeling of rejection?

[friscodj]

Amen Mystiyd-

 

I am feeling this one too. The vivd, graphic, lifelike dreams of her have been killing me lately. I was fine up until last night for some reason.

 

Your story is a lot like my last relationship situation, without the illness. Those quotes remind me of things she said to me, like "I'm crazy", "I need therapy", "you're dating a nut", "Just be patient with me, I'm bad at relationships".

 

I have thought this through backwards and forwards and think she probably felt things weren't right in the relationship for a long time, but was afraid to break it off for fear of making a mistake in losing a really good guy. In that sense, I'd say she was in love with the "idea" of you and your qualities, but not the relationship you guys had. Is it your fault? To some extent probably, as no one is perfect, but I would bet it really is more "her" and her issues than you.

 

I have always been a "helper" myself, falling for women who (sometimes outwardly profess that they) have issues. I'm seeing a counselor now because I don't want to do that anymore. You might think about seeing one yourself, talking to a pro is amazing.

[friscodj]

I think a lot of times the "dumper" has already put distance between you and them BEFORE they tell you. Of course they want to be prepared and subsequently protected emotionally. So when they say that, I think they mean there probably are a few things about you they don't like, but ultimately, they just don't want to put anymore EFFORT into the relationship convinced "it" isn't right. That's my take.

[friscodj]

That's super important. There are 3 intities in a relationship: person A, person B, and the relationship itself. Person A might love person B and they might be great as people, but the relationship they have together might not be good at all. People can love each other but not relationships they have together.

 

It's tough, and I have no answer as to why two great people who have so much going for them, and even have so much going for them together, can't make a relationship work. I think a lot of it has to do with fears and other issues and sometimes, "it just isn't meant to be".

 

As far as reconciliation, that's a tough one. Some people become friends down the road, others you never hear from again. I think the breakup and subsequent griveing process reveals an ultimate truth about the other person and what you really had together.

 

I loved people so deeply I'd have laid down in traffic for them when we were dating, but now, years later, look back at them and say, "Why was I even friendS with that person, WOW?!?!?" Time, distance, and suffering can really clarify a situation and another person.

[deejay74]

I think a lot of times the "dumper" has already put distance between you and them BEFORE they tell you. Of course they want to be prepared and subsequently protected emotionally. So when they say that, I think they mean there probably are a few things about you they don't like, but ultimately, they just don't want to put anymore EFFORT into the relationship convinced "it" isn't right. That's my take.

 

holy crap! this is EXACTLY what happened to me. my ex was being more and more distant near the end and i finally had to ask her what was wrong on xmas. at the time, she told me she didn't know. i had to go home that day and while i was away, we were in contact and she apologized for being distant. then, when i came back on that thursday, i had to go to her work to give her a present my mom had for her. we had plans to hang out friday (12/30) and to spend new years together. needless to say, she came over on friday to break up with me. i think that's exactly what happened to me and i would like to know what it is about me she didn't like. she didnt' tell me and now i want to know!

 

now i am actually pissed off i spent money on her for xmas. i should've asked for the presents back. i am beginning to think she stuck around for xmas just to get her gifts. f***ing selfish b***h!

 

see, this is EXACTLY why the dumper needs to be honest. i am now even more tempted to break NC to find out just what the heck was so bad about me? ugh. i am tempted to call her right now! she probably also lied to me when she told me she didn't break up with me because of someone else!!!

 

 

[Mstyiyd]

Friscodj---

Thanks for your input. I have been seeing a counselor for nearly a yr now, actually. I myself am a mental health professional, but I prefer kids to adults! I think its important for most people to seek out another point of view, esp when you are dealing with tough issues such as these. Also, I think it enables me to be a better clinician, by doing that for myself. It's hard to be on both sides of the fence, personally and then professionally. It takes alot out of you!

 

Our relationship was strange from the start. She had been in a 9yr rel. w/someone who cheated on her from day one w/various people....she was aware of that...and kicked herself down the road after 9yrs I guess she finally had enough. But really, her ex left and never came back to her that final time. We always told people we were just friends....she never treated me like a girlfriend, more like a f--buddy at best. It's really sad. What has messed with me is that we spent the majority of our time together for a couple of yrs....we were intimate for a yr and I find it so hard to believe that someone could sleep w/someone else for an entire yr, be with them nearly every day, simulate what a relationship 'would be'.....I guess?? but the whole time, always saying, "I have no feelings for you other than as a friend"....sorry, but where I come from you don't sleep w/your friends.

 

Both of us crossed the line, but then everything got hazy. In terms of me, I have never once cheated on anyone I was with, I grew up w/parents that are stilll married and I had great role models to look to. I think I am too nice. I don't sleep around and I've never dated one person right after the other. It takes me time to get comfortable to have those feelings for someone. With her, I thought it might be different this time, bec we did have the friendship aspect to it, so there was a foundation of sorts. We were really close. She on the other hand, is 10 yrs older than me. She hasnt been w/that many people either. Every rel.she has been in the other person has cheated/left her. That's her own issues to deal with. I think she's an avoidant of sorts, she can make herself real detached from situations where I wear my heart on my sleeve more. I know she is not over her recent ex (the 9yr one). She has had no contact w/her and doesnt want to be w/her again but she still seems to want to know from diff people what her ex and her new g/f are up to. Morbid curiosity? I guess. Plus, she is a huge partier now, you'd think she was in her 20s! And there is a side of her that is very cocky/self absorbed. All about me, type thing. She has many good traits that are what I cared about but I now see the other side. She told me the only reason she slept w/me was bec. she was 'vulnerable'.....its like she turned around and did to me what was done to her by all her exes over the yrs. Whatever, because a year is a LONG time to be vulnerable and have seemingly no control over your own emotions. She also doesnt take sleeping w/someone lightly...that is also whats weird.

I initiated NC back in the summer after an incident and I couldnt take the rejection anymore. She wound up calling on my bday in October, 4 months later......told me not to read into anything and then asked me to dinner. Got invited for both holidays to her family....and since Tgiving she's called me 1-3x per day usually for no reason. She is still barhopping and we dont spend as much time together as we used to. My friends cant stand her now,esp bec. she is better from her cancer and can pretend like the past few yrs havent happened.

Sorry, its her loss ultimately, but she is not going to find someone who will take care of her or be there for the right reasons....not where we live...not with the crowd she hangs with.

It just HURTS. But no regrets @ helping someone w/cancer.

[friscodj]

Oh MAN! I'm SORRY for stirring the pot! That was not my intention at all.

 

Let me clarify that I don't think it was your fault. I was trying to say that no one is perfect but the bigger picture is that she just stopped trying.

 

There are 3 entities in a relationship: person A, person B, and the relationship itself. Person A and person B may both be great people and love each other but what they create in "the relationship" might not be great or be loved.

 

The relationship is like the work of art. Person A and B might be very talented artists, but together, they might paint a picture that just doesn't look atractive or "right".

 

Seriously, there may be no major "deal breakers" with you, yourself. She probably looked at the picture and didn't like it and wanted to soften the blow on herself by pulling away slowly. She just didn't want to put any more effort into painting this picture that didn't look right to her.

 

I would let it go. As hard as it may be, in time, you won't care about what she thought of you.

[deejay74]

no worries, man! i am actually kind of glad i am getting mad. i think it's going to help me get over her faster.

 

i am not going to call her but i am really disappointed that she couldn't have been more honest. it seems almost cowardly on her part. i am just mad i spent over $200 on her for xmas when she broke up with me 5 days later. had i known how she felt, i would've ended it when she started to become distant, because she had probably already thought about breaking up with me a few weeks before she did. i still think she's selfish as she broke up with me for selfish reasons. she even admitted that her reasons to break up with me were selfish. i just wish i hadn't fallen so hard for her.

[friscodj]

Yeah, trust me, I know how you feel.

 

People do what they have to in order to protect themselves. She probably struggled with it as well, as maybe she took that distance to figure things out too. If someone knows how to read a woman's mind, I'd sure like to meet them and figure out how to do it myself!

 

Shoot, I've even asked female friends of mine "Why did she do that?", or "What was she thinking?" Even they didn't know, or everyone I asked had a different answer. Your ex may not know either.

 

The point is there are so many things in dealing with relationships that no one ever knows; feelings, reasons, etc. that just can't be explained. I've come to realize that trying to find answers to some questions are pointless and confusing and it is better to believe, trust, and have faith the right thing ultimately happened whether we like it at the moment or not.

 

That doesn't mean stop thinking about it. I think one needs to do that in order to get over it.

 

You'll love again, my friend, I guarantee it.

[Mstyiyd]

It's just so hard to comprehend.....people's motives or motivations.

I can't understand why someone would spend so much time with another person, intimacy on many different levels, only to either cut them off unexpectedly/suddenly, or just decide that it's over for whatever reason.

 

I agree that people can easily fall out of love, or decide they're not right for one another and sometimes those decisions are for the best. I am having enormous difficulty with my own situation because this is the 3rd rejection from someone in a row over a period of 5yrs. The other 2 were not g/f's, briefly hung out with them, never a relationship. But still-the rejections were there and told. Basically they all said, in their own ways, you are good enough to sleep with, you're hot, but not to date.

And I don't jump into bed with just anyone. At my age, I can count on one hand how many people i've been intimate with. Why do people stay with someone they claim to not have any feelings for? Is it really just comfort?

[friscodj]

I feel you brother.

 

I'll share being on the other end of doing the "cutting off". When I've been the person to call it quits, it's been because the realization slowly sunk in over time that we weren't right for each other. As to specific reasons, I can't say, little things, little signs which by themselves are meaningless but pieced together said so much. I could just feel things weren't right. But while I was trying to sort this out, I was somewhat in denial because she was great, we had great chemistry, had a lot of fun, etc. and thought maybe these feelings were coming from outside sources, like work stress, etc. So while I was figuring out my feelings and observations, I was continuing in the relationship, perhaps to an extent "going through motions". And I didn't talk about it because I wanted to make sure of the situation. Communication broke down on my end and later the relationship. I stayed partially for comfort I'll admit, to avoid going through the grief of a break up and also because I wanted the relationship to work so badly I ignored the signs and feelings and said, "I'm going to make this work regardless". Pretty soon, you just can't deny the truth and your feelings and seemingly suddenly have a talk when it all comes out at once, overwhelms the both of you, and the relationship ends.

 

As for your second paragraph, I strongly suggest you visit a pro and talk about these things with them. I started seeing a relationship counselor and I am learning things about myself I never would have learned otherwise. It's amazing. Seriously.

[deejay74]

again, what you wrote is exactly how my ex was acting a few weeks prior to the break. it still breaks my heart to read/know this and it hurts because she couldn't talk about it. if i didn't know any better, you could be my ex! haha!

 

when i tried to talk to her on xmas, i said the exact same thing: i told her it felt like she was "going through the motions" of being in the relationship.

 

now i am not so sure what to do with her. it'll be 3 weeks since the break tomorrow and i feel sad and very disappointed to know that she was going through these feelings. i can't help but to feel some responsibility for her feeling that way. i haven't attempted contact since 1/2 and now i feel i have nothing to lose if i did. she made it clear to me that she didn't want to be in the relationship while she was breaking up with me, and as i mentioned before, she told me there wasn't anything i could do to change her mind and she doesn't want to give our relationship a 2nd chance. she hasn't even attempted to contact me since 1/1.

 

so friscodj, i am glad you posted this. i think i needed to read it and get a perspective from her point of view.

 

now i am convinced that she's happy she broke up with me and i am almost positive that she's not even thinking about me anymore. :sad:

[sukerbut]

i have been reading this thread and feeling it is as well...you guys also have to consider outside factors and timing. take me for example..i was with ym ex..her senior year in college..till oct. she graduated..(burnt out from partying her prior years)..she thought she could handle a real relationship..she event alked about marriage..introduced me as the new hubby to her entire family..but deep down inside i knew i would lose her..because of timeing..at 22 she wants to conquer the world...she could not find a job..she was stressed out at home...and after a while i am sure she wanted her independence again..chat with guys go out with girl friends...she could not do that with a 30yr old man breathing down her neck. then you have all the friends and family feeding stuff into her head..unfortunately some people are not as mature as they act..in terms of independent thinking. put all those factors in and you have an appettite for destruction... i remember towards the end..we had a huge blow out...i instigated it becasue i was starting to get fed up with her alloofness in the relationship..she said..." ireally love you but i also hate you " thats a pretty powerful emotion..like pamper boy said..she was in love with me but not the relationship...i know she was .. no one treated her lie that ever .. nor will they...unconditional love is hard to come by. timing..outside influences..i am prety sure that if we met when she was ready....working and had soem consisteny in here life things would of been different. if only i knew about this web site 5 yrs ago..when she did the same to me when she graduateed high school and went to college..same situation..same words "i just dont love you like you love me" .. oh and onle last thing Reflect on the problems in the relationship but its not your fault..if you were a junky..or abusive then yes , but not if you were just fighting..and you also have to remember what caused those fights..in my case..it was on her most of the part...i am not saying i was an angel, but every blow out ..it was mostly on her

[deejay74]

but not if you were just fighting..and you also have to remember what caused those fights..in my case..it was on her most of the part...i am not saying i was an angel, but every blow out ..it was mostly on her

 

that's the thing, we weren't fighting. things got real hectic for her with school, work, etc. and i started to feel neglected in the relationship. perhaps i went about it wrong and came accross as needy but at the time, i didn't know how else to get her attention. a relationship is a 2 way street and i felt i was putting all the effort into the relationship at the time. in hindsight, i should've done things for myself like her, but i can't go back in time and change that. she claims that if she was in a relationship with anyone else, she would've felt the same way. i am not so sure how much i believe that.

 

i guess it got to a point with her where she just couldn't deal with all the stresses of the relationship and everything else she was trying to achieve so she decided it was best for her to let me go.

 

but still, i feel as if there was something about me that she started not to like. or maybe, she was losing her attraction for me. she'll probably never let me know but that's what i am left feeling. more painful feelings come about from this.

 

again, after reading friscodj's post, i am now losing all hope that there is a chance for us later and this hurts. i tried to treat her the best that i could and i did many things for her. i never smothered her at all. essentially, i feel as if she threw me away and basically felt that i wasn't worth the effort.

[sukerbut]

listen i agree..there are many factors involved..i also blamed it on her stress level..all her friends found jobs..she was still looking..8months later she is waiting tables...her family life is a bit hectick with a crazy mother..she has a lot of friends. i was trying to be her rock and eventually i became her scapegoat. listen we all have qualities that we are not proud of, but love blinds you and allows you to forgive those ugly qualities or communicate with your partner what you dont like. she had many qualities that i hated , but you know what..i loved her so i was able to overlook them..listen dont blame yourself..on your qualities..thats a crock of * * * *e! i drank too much when we went out. she could of sat me aside one day and said ..please your drinking is a major concern for me..it is putting a strain in our relationship..but she did not do that..she went from drinking with me..to all of a sudden lookingat me funny..and blaming me..i had a problem with her smoking weed everyday..but i did not dump her because of that...those are all cop outs... either the love was never there..or was not strong enough to compete with outside forces..work , school, guys..etc. in terms of you ever getting back together probably not any time soon..just not enough history..just like me and her..but time heals all wounds and who knows what the future holds..i had dated her when she was 19..i ahd not seen her in 3 years..we met one night at the club and started dating again..and agian she broke up with me..i personalyy through my experiences would really try to move on...when there are no feeling any more and you guys somehow run into each other a while form now .. then maybe something can happen..but right now..i am sorry to say..that its not happening

[friscodj]

Mstiyd-

 

Jesus, this woman sounds like a total disaster. Reminds me of my ex actually. She was really toying with you, whether she knew it or not. I don't even want to speculate what is going on in this woman's head...

 

At some point, you'll probably be thankful to be away from this situation, as heartless as that sounds. From an outsiders perspective based on what you wrote (I realize it's only one side of the story), you're better off without her. I have to cut her some slack due to her illness though, that's got to really change a person...

[Mstyiyd]

Hey Frisco (pamper boy--sorry, LOL),

 

Thanks for all your input. I really appreciate the time people take to respond to one another. Yes, my ex or whatever you'd call her is definitely messed up. You wouldn't know it by talking to her, till you delve deeper. I cut her slack bec. of her breast cancer, she never seemed to change until after she healed from that. She HAS been thru a hell of alot, this is the 2nd major illness she's had in her life, and her ex was not there for her during either time, in fact used it as another reason to go and cheat. So there's alot of unhealthy dysfunction going on.

She called me today and asked me if I wanted to get dinner with her and one of her family members. Im real close to a # of them, and they are very disappointed in how she treats me, and they say they've learned alot. They are cool and we are close. She knows that and I think it burns her up a bit bec. she knows they are right...and she's the one who f$#&@ up.

 

Well, I went bec. I love her family member. I'm beginning to get somewhat apathetic towards her. I was chill, it went fine, until her best friend called her. She is also in her early 40s and has always disliked me. This friend is somewhat abrasive, bordering on bullying, and never seemed to like me. I think she perceived me as a threat bec. she is a miserable you know what, and I am educated, attractive, levelheaded and independent. I don't bother anyone. The mentality of her BFF in the past was she wanted my ex to get back with the girl that cheated on her all those yrs! Yes, that's a GREAT BFF to have, ya think ? (lots of sarcasm in here).

That's the total mentality of why I must not fit in well to the overall pic. Her BFF NEVER called or visited when she had one major surgery>>>Can u imagine what she would have been like to me if i hadn't been there? And I slept in a hard chair upright for 3 days!

But that is who she chooses, well I think it was the BFF who called during dinner, I couldn't fully tell but at the beginning of their convo whoever it was must've asked what she was doing and she said "Eating dinner with Susan (her cousin)".....fails to mention me. So I felt real good.....see, I get the feeling this 40smthg yr old is real controlled herself in a way by her so called BFF....this friend once screamed at me right after she met me in a restaurant telling me I was a piece of garbage, a loser, and I was sad as in pathetic. Psycho people, my ex really never supported or helped me w/it.

What a story! I'm not gonna let it get me down, her saying in front of me that I wasnt part of her dinner party tonite, like she's gotta hide me.

 

Frisco, your input's been great.....whaddya think of this one

[Mstyiyd]

...and to be fair, and I think I've gone above and beyond any fairness with this person.....but all of the illnesses, the unhealthy nine year relationship she was in, every rel. she's been in the person has cheated and/or then left her......I dont think she really wants to be close to anyone, and will have real issues if and when she DOES get w/someone after the initial honeymoon period ends......I think I was the 1st person she's been with that hasn't been trash. She left me first, said we weren't right for one another even though i'd been there through the worst period of her life.

 

I don't get it. But she sure has treated me like crap, even on a friendship level, I feel.

[friscodj]

Mstyiyd-

 

Well, I appreciate your thanks. I'm just trying to help people out...and give them a chuckle with the avatar...there's always someone out there more f-ed up than you!

 

I think you are a top-notch guy for staying with your ex through the illness. That speaks volumes about your character and your dedication to her.

 

But you know what? No matter what you do (and this is a very hard lesson I have learned), you cannot make someone love you. It is clear to me from your posts that your ex is (for whatever reason) is a complete disaster and will be a vail of poison to the next guy to drink. She really needs therapy it sounds.

 

Now for you, you swallowed the poison my friend. You need to cleanse your system. As much as you love her family members, I really think you need to go NC. This woman has completely taken advantage of you and she might be so f-ed up to not even realize or appreciate what you've done for her.

 

My friend, you need to put serious distance between the 2 of you, even at the expense of losing touch with some of her friends and family who you've grown close to. It is possible to love someone from a distance and I think you need to do that with her. For now, you need to focus on loving yourself. You're a human being too, you "count" just as much as she does. Remember that.

 

Bottom line: She needs a therapist, not a boyfriend. That's not a knock on her either. It sounds like she has been through so much hardship in her life and I truly do feel for her. But she isn't right for a relationship right now, that much is obvious. Take comfort in knowing you have made a huge impact on this woman's life and someday she may realize and thank you for it. But right now, she ain't right man!

[healinginnyc81]

Like a lot of you, I've been trying so hard to understand how someone can stop loving you when you treat them well and when things seem to be going in the right direction in a relationship. All I can think is that maybe they perceived our care and love as coming from neediness. I know neediness is very unattractive because there was a point in my last relationship after about a year where I felt my gf was being too needy and I could tell that my attraction was fading. I was starting to think of what it would be like to be with other girls. In that situation, I still believed we had a good relationship, so I just brought it up to her in as nice but honest a way as possible and we worked it out so that we would spend more time apart and not depend on each other for so much. And in a month or so, I noticed we got our passion and attraction back for another year. That's when I think I started to appear needy. I was going through a crisis with college and losing friends and worrying about whether I was in the right major, but I think I may have relied too much on her and not enough on myself. Well, I felt she was losing passion for me for about the last six months of our relationship, but I couldn't really figure out what to do and she was being distant and her explanation was always that she had too much work with school and organizations. I wish I would've sat her down and talked more often but I guess I learned the hard way. Anyway, I thought we were going to get better because we were getting past the hardest part of school, but that's when she shocked me with her decision to leave me. I later found out it was for this other guy she had been talking to for the last two months we were together.

 

Sorry for the long story, I just think that when your partner senses neediness they lose attraction, I think it's just human nature or something. If that's true, it really sucks. I'm not saying it's the dumpee's fault because you can't really help it if you need some emotional support, especially if your partner is the only person you talk about your feelings with. But maybe the amount of emotional support you need is an important aspect of compatibility in a relationship. Anybody have any ideas? Let me know your opinions. Thanks for hearing me out.

[Mstyiyd]

Again, Friscodj, thanks for the input. I have a difficult time seeing my own situation from my own eyes, so to speak. I did initiate NC for 4 months back in the summer, I think I mentioned this already-not sure, so sorry if I did--but yeah, i guess it blew out the window when she TC'd me for my b-day. Her b-day was over the summer during the NC period and it was one of the hardest mental abilities I'd done in a long time but I did not call or acknowledge her day in any way. I was on these boards ALOT at that time! And she got pissed, she contacted me a week later to say thanks for not calling on my b-day. You can't win sometimes. But I took Superdave's advice of: If You Do Nothing, You Cannot Screw Anything Up. And that advice worked WONDERS in this case. I admit to feeling a bit of a smile when she called me up @ that like a sullen child. Ooh...that sounds BAD on my part but oh well, I've suffered enough.

My self control w/the NC surprised even me. I lost weight, cried alot, tried to keep busy and stay around normal, stable fun people I do have in my life. I was starting to do better even w/the ache in my heart that really hadn't subsided much when i got the call. And you know what? It lasted 2 hrs that day and at the end she asked if we could meet up for dinner later that wk. After she said that, you know what she then said? "Now, don't read into this, my phone call..."...............messed up B**!!

 

So if i did NC once i guess i can do it again. I think she sees me as comfort, security, esp bec. most of her "friends" are bar friends, party people, not alot of real intimacy going on there. But it can't be my problem much longer, especially since there's really no reciprocation even on a friendship level. I just gotta mentally get myself back to NC.....trust me, I do know I deserve better than this...

[Mstyiyd]

Bkjsun, I liked your thread too. I totally can relate to your post. I've thought about the neediness factor for my own situation before. Personally, I don't think of myself as "overall needy". As humans, we all definitely "need" to be needed and wanted and vice-versa. I'm a pretty independent person, a career I love, make my own way, worked my way up and still learning, you know? With my 'ex', maybe she did perceive me to be getting that way. In my case, from day one she always said we were just friends, even though we did EVERYTHING that couples do for a yr and a half and had a friendship for several yrs prior to that. The timing sucked, for sure, she had recently gotten out of a nine yr rel where the other person finally left after cheating for the whole 9yrs. Crazy.....and she obviously is still not over it today. So there were always alot of signs and stuff. But its like she wanted the comfort/security I gave, but she wanted to be single and live it up. I dont think she's really interested in having a relationship right yet, too many of her own issues up in the air.

I think my ex is more needy than me, I just miss the comfort of a stable person and have gone nuts w/all the mixed signals.

[deejay74]

i think you are correct.

 

a similar situation happened to me.

 

around the first week of december, my ex got extremely busy with school, work, internship, etc. and i really started to feel neglected in the relationship. i think i started to get needy as well, but at the time, i didn't know how else to get her attention. i noticed afterwards, she had started to become distant.

 

fast forward to the break up, i asked her what was the defining moment in our relationship where she started to feel different, and she said the first week of december. actually, there is a specific date: december 2nd - that day i also confronted her on my suspicions that she was cheating on me with this guy she was doing freelance work for. on that night, i just couldn't take the neglect i was feeling and i suspected it was because she was fooling around with this guy. it was also because she was so busy with school. i know i shouldn't do this, but i have beat myself up so much for that night for not handling the neglect i was feeling. i so wish i could turn back time and not brought up the cheating topic. in hindsight, she really didn't do anything to make me think she was cheating except spending a lot of time at that guy's house doing work, doing a lot of homework, working a lot, and not paying attention to me.

 

ugh. tomorrow is 3 weeks since the break up, 19 days since last contact from her and i haven't attempted contact with her in 18 days.

[healinginnyc81]

hey iwantherback,

I didn't mean to make you feel like it was your fault or like there was something you should've done differently. If you felt neglected, I'm sure there was a valid reason. I don't know that your situation would've been different if you hadn't brought up the cheating. I don't know if there was much I could've done differently. Our ex's just didn't fulfill our emotional needs.

Keep going strong with NC. It's our best medicine.

[deejay74]

hey iwantherback,

I didn't mean to make you feel like it was your fault or like there was something you should've done differently. If you felt neglected, I'm sure there was a valid reason. I don't know that your situation would've been different if you hadn't brought up the cheating. I don't know if there was much I could've done differently. Our ex's just didn't fulfill our emotional needs.

Keep going strong with NC. It's our best medicine.

 

you didn't.

 

i have a tendency to let my insecurities come out unnoticed by me. it's been an issue i've had for many years and that's one of the reasons why i am in therapy. i am just frustrated because i think it may have contributed to the needines and to my ex's decision to break up with me. i know i am not completely to blame, but it probably was a factor.

 

i remember when school started, my ex said she needed some time for herself, which i gave her. there was a weekend in october that was the first weekend we didn't spend together since we had started seeing eachother in july. i still have this email where my ex said not to worry, that her feelings haven't changed for me even though things have gotten busier for her.

 

here's an excerpt from that email:

"You have to learn to have faith that even though I am busy, my

feelings have not changed. You have the strength inside of you to get over

whatever it is that leads to your insecurities. And you got to be with me a

great deal over the summer before classes began. Just because I don't have

as much time now to be with you or to do the same things as before, doesn't

mean that things are different between us. You have to trust in that."

 

well, i guess i didn't get over my insecurities. she broke up with me 2.5 months later. god i miss her.