"Not Ready" or "Not Into Me?"- Another update on No-Kiss Guy!

[Msnak]

I have to say, I've been guilty of not calling guys and I felt AWFUL for it. It happened in my early 20s. I'm wiser and more considerate now.

 

I've since made it a practice to tell someone exactly what I think. "I like you" or "I don't think we're a match."

 

It's the best thing to do. And you would think the older we get, that we wouldn't have this problem anymore.

 

Everyone is different, but to end something in a decent manner...that's just fulfulling the Golden Rule.

[annie24]

"No answer is your answer."

[patience]

it's unfortunate that this happened...there is always a risk when getting to know someone new

 

not knowing why he distanced really is difficult to deal with, and I sympathize with you

 

any luck with those dating sites yet?

[smittenkitten]

Thanks Patience (& everyone- I'm not trying to be ungrateful!)- I'm just going through the emotional roller-coaster. I'm feeling better now though- got through that moment. It helps a lot to be able to just come here and vent, you know?

 

Nope, nada on the dating sites yet. I have to admit I haven't been very proactive about it- my heart isn't into meeting a new man yet. But I'm going out this weekend & keeping busy- I figure that's the most important thing.

 

Writing here helps. And I've got a list of things to do to distract myself, some goals I want to accomplish, etc. I know this isn't the end of the world, but it hurts anyway. Especially since I danced off the edge of that cliff so innocently, so joyfully!!!

 

I know people are probably getting frustrated w/me going over & over it 'cuz it seems like I'm not listening to them & they're trying to help. But this is part of the process, you know? After I wrote my agony post tonight I felt much lighter. I was able to focus on the kids & get dinner ready & take care of my chickens. All of which I was dreading b/c I felt like I had a lead weight pushing down on me.

 

So, as frustrated as you guys might be getting with me, please know that you're doing me a world of good, just by being here, and just by letting me get this stuff out. I keep wondering if this thread is going to get locked b/c people might be getting sick of it. I sometimes feel like I'm being inconsiderate of everyone else by going on and on about this!

 

Anyway. Jeez- I'm so proud of myself because I haven't called him!!! As pathetic as I must sound, I know I'm doing OK!!! This is a HUGE sign of my growth!

[patience]

It is really good that you aren't calling him, and yes, that is a huge step (from what you have shared). Good for you for not chasing him. What would be the point anyway? Who wants a guy they have to chase? Yuck! No thanks!

 

You and your children deserve better than a guy who acts like a flake.

[smittenkitten]

Oh fer Pete's sake.

 

He just forwarded me an email- one of those "Life's Lessons" things, nothing personal, that he sent to a bunch of people.

 

Last night he forwarded me a joke- ditto.

 

So apparently I'm still on his "contact" list.

 

OK. No problem. Whatever he does, however he approaches me, I will respond at the same level. Perhaps a few notches lower. (Can we get lower than mass-forwarded emails? LOL!)

 

No, I am not going to innundate him with multiple email messages now! In fact, these require no response at all- right?

[patience]

I wouldn't respond.

[smittenkitten]

Me neither.

 

It's just funny. Like I said, I'm just going to take it way, way, waaaaaay down to whatever level he's at. If he wants a protozoan relationship, fine.

 

I've got friends I only talk to once a month or so. Whose main method of communication is to forward mass emails to me. I can put him in that category.

 

('Course, I don't run and post on a relationship board about every little thing they do--- so I've still got a ways to go before he's firmly filed in my "casual friends" mental directory! LOL!)

[finneganswake]

It seems like you overanalyse things.

 

If a guy that seemed perfect just suddenly disappeared on me after attempts to try to wrangle him back in my life, I'd get the bleepin' picture and and move on! Geez...its not like you were with this guy for years or something. It was a few dates, right?

 

If he doesn't call...well that shows what a heartless cad he is. Why would you want to be with someone that can't even have the cajones to tell you how he feels for you? I wouldn't be left "wondering" what happened to him. I'd be "wondering" what I ever saw in him. Frankly, I'd be doing my best to forget I even knew him. I'm a girl too, but I seriously don't understand when other girls say they want a phone call for "closure." I feel like some of them think "If I can just talk to him one more time, maybe I can convince him otherwise." I still don't understand why anyone actually wants to hear another person say "I don't like you anymore." If that happened you'd be sad all over again.

 

Why beat a dead horse? The more you go on with this, the more one starts to wonder if other issues are at play...

[smittenkitten]

If a guy that seemed perfect just suddenly disappeared on me after attempts to try to wrangle him back in my life, I'd get the bleepin' picture and and move on!

 

Ummm... nope... no attempts to "wrangle" him back into my life... not one... certainly not multiple attempts. He was already there. Where did you get this idea?

 

Geez...its not like you were with this guy for years or something. It was a few dates, right?

 

Ummm... nope... not years, but not a "few dates", either. Where did you get this idea?

 

Please. I see that you're brand new here. I haven't been here very long either, but I've been here long enough to know that the basic energy and purpose of this group is to be supportive of each other, and that's what I've found. You're welcome to say whatever you want, but I find it very off-putting to have a complete stranger appear out of nowhere, who knows nothing about my situation except what she's assumed, jump in and imply that I'm an idiot who has issues. Have I done that to you? Has anyone here done that to you?

 

Well, the implication that I'm an idiot is a subjective opinion. You're certainly entitled to it. Issues? Of course. We all have issues or we wouldn't be here. Thankfully we're all allowed to post about our problems, whether or not anyone else thinks they're stupid.

 

So if discussing issues bothers you, why are you here?

 

Just live and let live!

[finneganswake]

I never said you were an idiot. Sorry you got that impression!

[smittenkitten]

Actually, our situations are very similar. Which is why it surprised me that you took such a harsh tone in your response to me.

 

He's not a heartless cad. He is a genuinely decent person, which is why this is so inexplicable. We have a history & he's always been very honest & open with me. He was hurt badly in a past relationship, just like your guy. He's not a jerk. I care about him and I need to process this stuff. This disappearance is totally out of character for him, and I need to sort out my own feelings about it.

 

I'm not going to reject him if he comes back asking for my friendship. He's an amazing guy. I'm not going to just pack up my toys and go home 'cuz he doesn't want to play in my sandbox!

 

I don't think I'm doing a very good job communicating about this. For one thing, my emotions are still up and down. I'm still trying to get clear.

 

For another, it's just impossible to convey the type of connection we had. If I was reading my words as a stranger, I'd be thinking I was full of bs. I almost don't want to talk about it anymore.

[finneganswake]

People do out of character things, which is tough for anyone to understand. I understand where you are completely and I guess I hate seeing other girls go through this kind of stuff. I get sad with myself and other girls when we do this to ourselves; our wonderful ability to sift through details and understand complex emotions better than men can sometimes bite us in the butt...

 

Our situations might share some similaries, but perhaps what distinguishes us is that I'm very prepared to just walk away and forget I ever met him. I don't need to know why he doesn't fancy me or want to be anything more than friends with me. Sometimes I think people don't know why they do or feel the things they do. It is hard to put some things into words. I do not believe that walking away makes me any stronger than a girl who wouldn't...paradoxically, walking away can imply a certain weakness and inability to deal with things. I acknowledge that.

 

Despite all of this heartache, remember this: He is, as you have said, a good man with a good heart. He has just made some bad decisions regarding his relationship with you, that is all. Nothing more or less.

 

If you want him back, make a graceful and dignified exit. Email/call him and say something along the lines of "I just want to thank you for being an important part of my life. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but at least we had some happy times together and I'm grateful for those. If I can ever help you in any way, please do not hesitate to get in touch." (I can't claim those words though, Rhonda Rich suggests that in her book "What Southern Women Know" which is sooo awesome by the way!).

 

If you make this kind of exit, a good guy will always come back (not necessarily for a relationship, but for a friendship which can maybe evolve into more). When some girls breakup or are being broken up with, they use that as an opportunity to launch a verbal assault which is the lasting impression. But distinguish yourself by acting classy and kind and he'll see how different you are.

 

I have done this before and it works. Not immediately, but it does happen. And I admit, ending it that way (despite wanting to scream and be mean to him), gives you a real sense of peace and calm, knowing you have taken the high road. Its almost a feeling of being superior...

 

That is all I can suggest. I apologise for seeming mean or anything. But realize that was never my intention. I am just as frustrated as you are!

[smittenkitten]

Finn, thank you so much! That was a very nice post. I'll check that book out- I have a "date" with myself tonight at Borders. Coffee and books- what could be better?

 

Sorry if I overreacted. I've been a little... sensitive lately! And I really don't like feeling at odds with someone, especially on a forum where I'm coming for emotional support. I'm glad we don't have to butt heads. (Should I insert the word "be" after "to"? lol!)

 

Anyway, I'm feeling much better today. Much stronger & clearer. Actually happy, even. It's nice to be singing in my car again & not playing the same drippy songs over & over while tears stream down my face.

 

Yay. The sun is out & it's warm today. I'm feeling very positive.

 

You ALL have been a huge help to me. I appreciate everyone's input & support! I'm really grateful this board exists. Without it I might have lost my dignity & gone chasing after him.

 

So, I think the worst is over. (I hope!) Maybe this thread can finally ooze on down to the bottom of the pile.