11 days NC - want to call him

[curlyl1]

It is 11 days since i have had contact with my b/friend of 4 years (lived with him for 3). I am back staying at my dad's just now (im 33years old) and i spent the night arguing with him, but due to financial situation we have to live together. Anyway, today i am desperate to contact my ex. this is the worst it has ever been. What should i do?

[butterflycloud]

for now I think that you should keep on chatting on enotalone, it will keep your mind off of him for the moment. Otherwise I would suggest doing something that makes you feel better- go shopping, do your hair, go for a facial or a nice walk and everytime he enters your mind tell your self that you are not prepared to deal with this- change the subject!

 

Good luck!!

[mcpete]

First of all, welldone. The first days of NC are always the hardest. I've been on NC with my ex for about 6 weeks or so and even though there are times where I'd almost cut off my own arm to talk to her, I know it is not the right thing to do until I have healed enough to be able to deal with it and not have it plunge me backward.

 

Just try to do anything which will take your mind off them. Things that would had put off or never had time to do during the relationship. Anything which will make you feel better about yourself as an individual. Anything that you used to enjoy, catch up with old friends and hobbies.

 

I know it's hard, but NC has given me alot of self-respect and dignitiy in the break-up. I've hated myself for not calling her and would have done anything to hear her voice, but with time it gets easier. Start living your life for you again and everything else will follow.

[coooolsome]

The urge to contact comes around day 12 so dont worry about it. It will pass, just make sure you dont contact him otherwise you will have to start all over again.

[curlyl1]

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it. It is good to know that the way i am feeling is normal, and that i am not losing my mind.. When do you start to feel a bit better?

[curlyl1]

Day 12 - was ok at the start of today, but now im desperate to call him, i have all these questions going round my head... is he missing me, is he unhappy, he wanted to be friends, so why has he not contacted me? I

[stolenshadow]

Like butterflycloud said, tell yourself you'll deal with those questions later.

It might be an important thing to deal with your dad now, fights in a family are never necessary and yet they always happen.

Make sure you have a nice life first before thinking about your ex again, try to get stability back, it helps puts things into perspective and get rid of questions we don't need answers to.

[nikkers04]

Hey girl hang in there. Remember we are doing this together. I'm at day 14. Your almost to the 2 week mark your so close. Guess what I hate to break it to you but today wasn't any easier than day 1. I guess with time we will lose hope and not care about any of the questions we have. He will either come back or over time it wont matter anymore and we will wonder why were so hurt over all this nonsense. I know what its like to have to completely change your life. Its not fun. And losing someone you were so close to well...SUCKS. But everyone goes through it. And we can 2. Take it one day at a time as everyone else says keep your self busy. I know I haven't been doing this but I realize its much easier if I try to stop counting what day I am on...it makes me proud to say I have made it 2 weeks with out talking to him and I hope that he misses me but I've made it this far and I will make it as long as it takes. PM if you need to hang in there!

[Lion-Guy]

curlyl1 Don't try to rationalize and figure out what he is thinking. It will only drive you crazy and it never ends. You could in fact put a more negative spin on events than what is actually occurring.

 

Stand tall, strong and hold strict NC until you feel that you have healed. Rid your room of anything that reminds you of him. Get out of the house as much as possible, keep busy and meet up with friends and family. In time you feel better. There will be a time in the next few weeks where you feel much better and then all of a sudden you feel like crap again. Your success will be measured by how you respond to these negative times. Good luck.

 

The NC is certainly worth the effort in the long run.

[curlyl1]

Thanks. I just seem to be getting worse and worse. One of my friends (who lives with my ex's friend) called me last night for a chat. She told me that my ex and her partner were away out to the pub for a few pints and a game of pool. At the time when she told me i was ok about it, but it must have been playing on my mind because last night i didnt sleep a wink, wondering if he was seeing someone else, had he forgotton all about me etc etc. Today, i feel as uptight as i did on day 1.

Nikkers, thanks for being here, it is good to know im not alone.

Lion-gu, i wish i could stand tall, im just feel very weak just now

[timbohn]

Hi curlyl1,

It is very hard to be strong but what option do we have? I am on a non-stop rollercoaster of emotions. I still live with my ex for another week and for the last few nights she has been on the phone with a friend (guy) for 2 hours a night and it drives me mad. Last Friday at this time I was in a 6 + year realtionship. This Friday I already found a new place and am moving (my 4 year old son is staying with his mom) about 2 miles away. It hurts so bad I can hardly breath but we have to BE STRONG.

[starfish]

curlyl1,

Good job with the NC. Stay the course and it will get easier. You just need to will yourself to do it. You are probably thinking of all the good times you shared with your ex and glossing over whatever went wrong, and that's definitely not healthy. In the past, when I tried to contact my ex he would refuse to respond and distanced himself, and that hurt more than when I wasn't in contact with him. You need to give both of yourselves time to heal. And if this is someone that you truly care about and he feels likewise, then I believe eventually (not all that soon though) you will be able to connect without getting emotional.

[deejay74]

hi curly, i am right there with you.

 

my ex dumped exactly 2 weeks ago today. it's been very hard for me to do the NC thing, and i also keep wondering why she hasn't called me.

 

i keep wondering if she misses me, or she might've regretted the decision. i know this is something that i shouldn't be thinking about but i can't help it.

 

although she told me that her decision to break up with me was difficult, that she wants to remain friends, and that i could call her or email her anytime, i wonder if she really meant that or was just being nice.

 

anyway, i just thought i'd let you know i am having the exact same thoughts and emotions.

[christel1321]

This is my first posting to any group so please bear with me. In summary, my b/f of 3 years (2 living together) lies. He lied in his previous marriage and cheated many times. OUr first 14 months together, he kept in touch with a woman he only dated twice before he met me. he insists they never saw eachother during that time, but over a year into our relationship (all he ever wanted he told me) she called and asked him out. thats when everything changed for me. after that i learned about his marriage infidelities - his story very different before. he loves me and i love him, but for 2 years i have struggled to trust him. there are other things off in the relationship, but the physical attachment is very strong. one week ago i asked him to move out, he has found a place and will move in 2 weeks. we still share our time, and our bed and when i review the history between us and his basic character throughout his life, i feel strong and sure about this decision. but i hurt so much. not sure if letting him go is the right thing. any thoughts?

[coollady1957]

Christel, i replied to your email that you sent to me, i tried through the forum but it said you didnt accept emails. so i used the other email address that was in your letter to me. My thoughts to you are in the email.

[christel1321]

coollady1957 - thanks so much for your email. i will have to see why you couldnt email me through the forum - as i said, this is my first time

i have replied to you via email, i hope thats alright. letting go of this man is the most difficult thing, even though i know its the best thing for me in the long run. could we just fast forward to "the long run" please? LOL.

[coollady1957]

know it hurts very much on the letting go. I think that these people that are chronic liars have some form of personality disorder, that causes them to resort to lies to fulfill themselves in someway. They definitely need help. I understand how you might feel you are abandoning him, but i think in the long run you wil benefit from the parting ways. And yes maybe it will give him a chance to see the err of his ways and get some help for himself, or else he will continue the lies and the coverups with whom ever he is with. Just stay strong, and move on with life. ONce he has moved out, try and cut contact with him completely, and dont let yourself become weak. I have cut all contact in every way with my EX BF. NO phone calls, no emails, no letters, no meetings. nothing. I am slowly adjusting to the change. IT does get better.

[coollady1957]

TO curlyl1... i too am just going through the first few weeks after a break up. I have on occasion wanted to call him just to see how he is, but i dont do it. I have cut all ties with him, no calls, no email, no letters. Some days are more difficult than others. BUt i take a deep breath and tell myself i didnt deserve the lies and the betrayals and the cheating that he did to me. As some one said earlier in the posts, come here often, talk to other people, on the forum. Thats what we are here for to support one another. stay strong

[nataliejulie]

Warning : The second week of NC is the hardest. I trust you, by the 3rd week, it's smooth sailing from there.

[octopus]

curly1,

 

hang in there. I never had a break up like this before (when i was in love AND was dumped) so i don't know how the timeline goes. I'm in LC for the past 6+ weeks. It has gotten easier, although the thoughts of "what is he thinking, is he regrettting, is he seeing someone, is he back with his ex" are still eating me sometimes, and I still cry at random times in the day. I miss him sooo much - everything we did together. I miss things I had long ago forgotten we did together.

 

But I'm better than I was at week 2, 3,4 or 5. Time takes care of it. When that urge comes to call your ex, tell yourself that even if his feelings will change, it wont happen in week 2. You can call, but he'll probably not care, and will think you're weak. Don't call until you're indifferent. As hard as it is, that's what I'm doing. Focus on yourself: Like someone said, the best revenge is to live well.

 

(Although I'm not sure whom we're taking the revenge from: they're already done with us, forever. Nothing we ever did for ourselves or them would concern them anymore...)

[curlyl1]

Nataliejulie - thank you for your words, it is good to know that it does eventually start to get better.

 

Octopus - I am trying my hardest not to contact him, it is just hard to stop myself thinking about him. I keep myself busy but i still cry last thing at night and first thing in the morning. I just cant understand how i never saw this coming.

[octopus]

I'm sure if you look back now, you'll see signs that you ignored earlier. At least I saw them, but I chose not to acknowledge them then. It was going sooo well I didn't want to even think it could end

[coollady1957]

nataliejulie is right. i am about to go in to the 3rd week after a break up , and the weeks truly get better as each one passes. its only been 2 and half weeks or so for me, and i thought it would be horrible to get through it all, the first week was a nightmare, the second week i started doing all the things for myself that i had been putting off and spending time here offering any help i can to others in my situation. Helping others here , helps to see that you are not alone, that there are others that have experienced similar things. Now after a full two weeks now i am feeing better about myself and i know that i did the right thing breaking up and cutting out all contact with him. It wil get better and better with time.

[nataliejulie]

When I hit one month of NC -- I had the biggest proud smile on my face. I cannot tell you the feeling of gratification I had controlling myself. And let me tell you a little trick I did...

 

When ever I wanted to make that phone call, I stopped, and thought : If I call him, right now... What are the chances I will hear the things I want to hear? Do I want to risk it? Do I want to go back to square one?

 

It did work. Because every time, I knew I wouldn't hear he missed me, because if he really did, he would have made some effort to tell me that.

 

Another thing I did, was put my cell on SILENT all the time. For a straight month, I did not hear my cell ring. It kept me from running to the phone every time it rang. And it kept me from wanting to hear it ring, because it can't. And that feeling of it ringing while Joe Schmo is calling and you are disappointed because it's not The Ex, sucks, bad. Not to mention, if The Ex did call, you won't seem so eager to pick up... you just didn't hear the phone ring!

[Lion-Guy]

Another thing I did, was put my cell on SILENT all the time. For a straight month, I did not hear my cell ring. It kept me from running to the phone every time it rang. And it kept me from wanting to hear it ring, because it can't. And that feeling of it ringing while Joe Schmo is calling and you are disappointed because it's not The Ex, sucks, bad. Not to mention, if The Ex did call, you won't seem so eager to pick up... you just didn't hear the phone ring!

 

 

Yes I did the same thing and it totally helps!!!