Dako Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 A bit of good news on the misery front. I've been careful not to get sidetracked analyzing my failngs in my long marriage, even though some posters reccommend learning what mistakes to avoid next time. With no expectation of a "next time" that seemed pointless. I felt that an LTR involves such a range of dynamics that both partners are like different people throughout the years and by the end, they have little resemblance to the original couple. My wife and I would look at old photos and talk about the unwrinkled grinning kids as if they were other people. To some degree, they were. Normally I sleep like the dead, but I woke up early and a flood of memories came thundering by. All sorts of memories of conflicts and drama in my marriage flashed through my head in an orderly and effortless way. It was like a dam burst. Of couse not every event in 27 years would fit in the hour or so of reverie, but enough major stuff did to tell me something that shocked me. On the whole, I was a pretty damn good husband to her and outside of a few stupid mistakes, I have no major regrets. The fact that she bailed out isn't my fault at all, it was just her time to leave. I know I'm not constructing some fantasy to comfort myself, since this happened in such a spontaneous way. I was barely awake as these images flashed through my sleepy head. If I had laboriously analyzed them, I'd be suspicious of their validity. I did a lot for her and did my best. I renovated a number of houses, Helped her get a master's degree and captain's license, attended classes with her in various fields at a university, worked consruction outdoors through a New England winter so she could get hours toward her license, did everything possible to help her in various jobs and expessed my love for her every day. I never strayed or even considered it, (although I was pretty close to an adorable lesbian friend for a while) and never dreamed of hurting her feelings. She was my wife, and I loved her as she deserved. Maybe that's baloney, but I still think it holds water. When she left, the earth tumbled away for a while and self-loathing took over my brain. I've always felt like a failure for dropping out of school, hanging out with the wrong crowd and wasting my youth on cheap thrills. There was little about me I valued. Somehow this early morning revelation gives me some sense of value and peace. It was a welcome moment that put some real stability under my big feet. I hope you other folks have lots of moments like this. Well, I'm off to shower and hit the freeway. Another sunny day in SoCal. Thanks for listening. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Beautiful post, Dako. I always enjoy reading these steps you're taking on your journey. I firmly believe that every relationship we have in this life has a purpose -- people come into our lives for a variety of reasons. Sometimes we are the teacher, sometimes the student...sometimes our role changes in the course of the same relationship. Believing that also means accepting that at some point in every relationship we'll have completed the purpose for that relationship and it's time to move on. Endings are as much a part of life as beginnings...they're just a lot more difficult to deal with. For today anyway, it sounds like you're doing just fine. Link to comment
registered Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 You're a top guy Dako... I'm glad you can realise it too. Enjoy the beautiful day Link to comment
darkblue Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 I also enjoy your progress postings. I'm really glad you realized so much. The marriage failing was not your fault, and you could not have helped it. Feelings change. People change. Life changes. Oh well. Carpe Diem. Link to comment
Relationship Coach Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Dako, You are the reason you are who you are. You've been a giver your entire life with little or no expectations in return. That same sentiment carries over when you post here. You speak often of your wife's tremendous qualities, well she lost the best one when she set sail on a different course. There are many who would welcome your candor and companionship, don't throw in the towel yet the time will come for you once again. Link to comment
Jut Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Wow, Not many have the courage to speak well of the exes (whatever situation they might have been in ). Good to know that it gave you peace. I think i learnt a bit from your post today. Thanks. Link to comment
octopus Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Hi Dako, It sounds like you are at peace with everything, and that is just great. What more could you have done? You gave her everything, and as it always happens, she didn't know the value of it. She took it for granted. You did everything possible. What more can one say... Great post, thanks... Link to comment
lonelyfish Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Those little moments of revelations are great. They make you a stronger and wiser person and they always seem to come at the the right time! Link to comment
friscodj Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 I assure you more of those moments will happen. That is called healing and moving on my man! You're on the right track I think Dako. Link to comment
brando Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 Dako, Great to read an inspiring post like yours. I am aware of those moments you discussed. Cherish them, and their are more to come. be well, brando Link to comment
Dako Posted January 11, 2006 Author Share Posted January 11, 2006 Hi Dako, It sounds like you are at peace with everything, and that is just great. What more could you have done? You gave her everything, and as it always happens, she didn't know the value of it. She took it for granted. You did everything possible. What more can one say... Great post, thanks... Thanks, but I think my ex valued me. We're still pretty good friends considering how rough this is for us both. Link to comment
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