Week 1... a nightmare

[Jjasonn28]

Hi all.

 

So its been a week since the ex decided to move on. Its been excruciating... I have had little if any appetite. I only sleep when I become extremely exhausted. I am trying my best to get out, and try to get my mind on something else, which works sometimes, for a short while, but I am finding that there are just too many triggers in EVERYTHING around me.

 

Im not ready to purge myself of everything that reminds me of her. And even when I am, I think I am gonna have to move to another city, and get a different job. I havent gone back to work yet, so I may end up not having a job there much longer anyway. Which isn't a bad thing, because I dont like the company, and was only there, because I was waiting on her... Everything in my life, at the moment was built based around a future with her.

 

The most peace I can get, is when I actually do fall asleep. I wish sometimes that I would never have to wake up...

 

So yeah, this is hard. And i know its expected to be. I have great friends who are all being very supportive, but its hard to be constantly be felt bad for.. They all love me, they all love her. Its a real tragedy. And no one knows why. Not I, nor her.

 

As week 1 passes, I will hold on to hope that things will only get better. But so far, in my experience with holding on to hope... perhaps I should keep looking over my shoulder. That wrecking ball might be on the backswing.

 

Searching for inspiration..

[Dako]

Your condition really reminds me of my time when life just stopped. There's no real way to ease the pain but the passage of time and that clock has probably almost stopped for you. I'm sorry you have this misery.

 

All I can do is offer some idea what's coming, based on my recent turn at this.

You'll eventually get tired of crying, and it will be more sporadic. Your starvation will take over and make food taste almost good. In time your friends will tell you you're improving. Believe them, despite your knowledge otherwise. Your friends are great barometers to gauge your functionality. Be very careful when driving. I got more honks and fingerwaves than I could count, as well as a dumb traffic ticket. Turn off the radio and try to avoid night driving, especially when tired. Drink lots of water and all the usual health stuff.

 

Since my driving was impaired and sitting still was awful, I got in the habit of walking nowhere in particular. It gave life a pattern and I got to pet dogs, stop at coffee shops, watch the sky and just get away from my problems a little. Once in a while a little kid, a cat or a snippet of silly conversation would make me almost smile. In time these little things became vital signs that life goes on.

 

After a few months I was able to get out and be with people without feeling like a pariah, and started to have hours where I forgot her while involved in some activity. That hyperalertness and agitation have disappeared, and I now wear a jacket when it gets cold.

The darkest thoughts arrive less often, allowing me to see a future.

 

It's tough stuff to endure in the first two months, but it will get better.

 

I'll be thinking of you.

[deejay74]

i know how you feel, it's been 1 week and 3 days for me.

 

because i haven't slept, or eaten, very well i actually got really sick this weekend and i am trying get rid of it. i had a fever of 101.5 and by sunday, i was delirious because i seem to get up around 6am even if i go to bed around 2am.

 

i went to work today and i was really sad, so sad that my eyes started to water up and my co-worker asked me what was wrong. of course i told him it's my illness and he seemed to buy it.

 

i just walked in my apartment after work, and when i got in my room i lost it. i started crying, and to be honest, i don't know why. i did most of my crying right after the break up and i was pretty strong until now.

 

i often wonder if my ex knows what kind of pain i am going through. 1 week ago today is the last correspondence i had with her. i sent her a text message telling her how much i was hurting and how i couldn't stop thinking about her and us, and how hard this is for me. absolutely no contact since then. today, i almost broke the NC rule: i typed up an email, never sent it but i almost did.

 

why is this so hard? was she in any pain? to know that not having me as a BF is a relief to her hurts so much b/c i am not a bad guy, i never treated her badly and she never treated me badly. people say i am going to find someone better, but i think my ex is one of those women who come around once in a lifetime. anyway, i am rambling...

 

i just want you to know i am going though EXACTLY the same feelings/emotions as you.

[timbohn]

"i was delirious because i seem to get up around 6am even if i go to bed around 2am.

" I thought I was the only one. This site is helping me tremendously. Just knowing that what is happening to me is "normal". Stay strong brothers. Only through being strong will we make it through the darkness.

 

Your brother in pain,

 

Tim

[Relationship Coach]

Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return. - Leonardo da Vinci

 

This follows suit with love as well, once you've had it, you will find it again.

 

You are taking the longer route to healing, you need to thrust yourself back in to reality and get back to work or find a new job. Keeping yourself busy will help you to put some order back in to your day. Force yourself to stick to an itinerary. If you have really close friends, have them hold you accountable, even if that means dragging your butt out of bed every morning, tossing you in the shower and force feeding you!

 

You are becoming detached from the wrong thing, loosen your grip on her not on your own well being. You are allowing the failure of the relationship define who you are, stop searching for the why's and how's and concentrate on the now and the future.

[Jjasonn28]

Thank you all for your kind words. It really does help to realize that Im not the only person who is feeling, or who has ever felt this way.

 

And relationshipCoach, I understand what you are saying. I really do. I know that i have to loosen my grip on her, and start concentrating on myself. Its just that, at this moment I cant find the stregth. The now and the future is no longer what I thought it would be. Its almost as if I have to go back to the drawing board, and force myself to come up with a plan. Perhaps its a little to soon for me to jump back on the horse. I have to nurse these wounds a little.

 

As for my job, if I loved it, I would be there. But the reason I am employed with that company, is, or was for convenience. Local, steady work, until we decided where we were gonna take our lives..

 

The only things right now, that take me away from all of this, are the things I love. I play hockey once a week, and Im looking forward to that so much, just for the simple fact that It will get me away. I guess my dog is an exception. We adopted him, and raised him together, so playing with him, talking to him, looking at him makes me sad...

 

If I could ignore everything around me that triggers my emotions, I would. But, I guess im cursed with sensitivity. Even that leonardo da Vinci quote... she sent me a card with that quote the day after I went on my first helicopter ride. (Flying a helicopter has always been a dream of mine).

 

But again, I do understand, and believe what you say. I guess its a matter of finding the strength again.

[Lady Bugg]

Jj...

 

Be easier on yourself....it's only been 1 week!! There's NO way your heart is going to get over this in a week. Be realistic. I think getting over a breakup for many poeple, is similar to crash dieting. When trying to do something SO fast ONLY blows up in your face . Losing weight and getting over someone is similar in that it seems to take NO time to fall in love or gain weight..but takes forever to get over or lose it. We ALL know the best and most effective approach to losing weight is a senisble diet and more exercise...and SLOWLY...the same applies here. Only the passage of time is going to PROPERLY heal your heart. There IS no fast remedy. You put one foot in front of the other EVERYday..and pull yourself together. This does not mean you can't harbor some hope that you may get back together...but you take care of BUSINESS regardless of what happens!! I believe right after a breakup is the WORST time to make life altering decisions....because you are thinking in a haze. Give yourself some time and see where you are then.

 

Good luck

[Jjasonn28]

I believe right after a breakup is the WORST time to make life altering decisions....because you are thinking in a haze. Give yourself some time and see where you are then.

 

Hmm. Its funny you should say that. This past week, Ive had thoughts of picking up and moving away. Its always been a dream of mine to live up north. I guess my train of thought is that what is holding me back now? When we were in that relationship, we were gonna make it there eventually. But now, All I have here, like i said, are triggers of her.

 

I dont want to split the country or anything, just get to the one place that ive always wanted to be. Should I give it some time to make sure Im thinking clearly?? And if so, what do I do in the meantime? I really dont want to go back to that company. But I also dont want to commit to anything else... Im just so lost.

[Lady Bugg]

Definetly give it a few weeks at least. You are in a very fragile state right now...Wait until you're of "sound mind and body" before you make any major changes. The truth is..no matter WHERE you go...her memory is STILL going to be there...short of getting a labotomy. So deal with the issues head on. Running away is not the key.

[Dako]

I was pretty dizzy in the first weeks and did some dumb things:

 

I almost bought a 140 mph Ducati.

I smoked some pot.

I got a ticket.

I told the wrong relative about my problems.

I got myself put in a nuthouse.

 

Please don't make any major changes untl your brain works.

Anyway, if you move or change jobs you're liable to make small errors of judgement that might cost you dearly.

 

Keep yourself safe and don't give in to adrenaline-charged ideas.

Your emotions are like a high right now. You need a designated driver, so to speak.

[Ghostrider4042005]

definitely it's gonna be hard but just a few weeks maybe a month you'll be good

[Dako]

definitely it's gonna be hard but just a few weeks maybe a month you'll be good

 

Wow, and to think I've been miserable since September. What was I thinking? LOL That's the funniest line I've seen on this forum!

Thanks for making my day.

[Ghostrider4042005]

man all you guys have to ruin my fun it was short sweet (funny) and to the point haha i do what i do

[pos69sum]

i called in sick 2 days last week and just laid in bed with the laptop and phone next to me.

 

i've been better the past few days - one thing i found that helped was writing down a list of things to do and then not letting yourself go home to sulk until they are done.

[ggoman]

Yes! Listen to these people. Let me throw in my two cents. I was dumped on Nov. 30 of this past year. I felt like my entire world had come crashing down.

Who is going to love me now? Who is going to be there to put their arms around me at night? It felt like everything I was used to disappeared, and I was transplanted to a cold, heartless place that was totally unfamiliar. I have to tell you... I'm still suffering, and it's been over a month. I can't say it's gotten too much better yet, but you really just don't have a choice but to go on. I really forced myself to become somewhat rational. I decided that killing myself was out of the question (though mildly tempting), and so I just simply HAD to live my life. Rotting in bed simply is not going to help me... you HAVE to try to be strong and do the things you know you should do, even though you are living through a personal hell. I've gone through this before, and it does get better, even though right now, you probably can't imagine that you'll ever feel normal again. But you will.... I promise.