Its over...now what?

[SummerLove]

Ok..yesterday morning my boyfriend of over 6 months dumped me. I am devastated. There was no sign of if coming either. He changed his mind literally overnight. We had had a big fight..but we've fought before and gotten through it with no problem.

 

I'm so confused. His reasons make no sense. He says that he just doesn't want the responsibility of a relatioship anymore...and that is so unlike him. He even told me to my face that he doesn't love me anymore. He says it just faded. It hurts so bad to think of it..and I miss him so much. He was like my best friend. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I would never have thought it would end this way.

 

When he was telling me he doesn't want to be with me anymore..I felt as though it wasn't the same guy I have been with for 6 months. I felt like I didn't know him.

 

He called me that night and we talked for about 40 minutes. He said he didn't anticipate it hurting him so much to break it off with me and that he was depressed. He also wanted to make sure that we were still going to talk to each other and be friends and hang out. This is something I don't normally do with ex boyfriends, but I said yes to all those things because I'd do anything to have him back.

 

I asked him if we'd ever get back together and he said that it was a good possibility. I told him to just let me know then when he's decided. I almost had the feeling that he was regretting what he had done.

 

It just hurts so much. I miss him more than anything. It's so hard to believe that he's not a part of my life like he used to be.

 

What advice can you give me? Do you think we'll get back together? What can I do to help the situation?

[melrich]

Hi, sorry to hear about your situation.

 

There is always a chance you could get back together. My advice would be to right now give him a bit of space, let him have some clean air to think about where he is at and where he wants to be.

 

I know that is hard because probably all you want to do is talk to him. But I do think, at least for the next few days you should try not stay away.

[Lady Bugg]

Hi there Summer....

 

First of all, I DO think you have a chance to get him back..BUT I wouldn't start hanging out with him again right away. If this is HIS decision, he needs to address what made him break up with you in the first place. Maybe he just needs some time and distance from you......the fact you said he already admitted it hurting him more than he thought it would IS a good sign..HOWEVER he still needs to realize the consequences of his actions. You being at his beck and call as his "friend" after he just broke your heart is NOT being very fair to you. Be honest with yourself...Are you going to be ok with JUST being his "friend"? Probably not for a while...If ever.

 

My advice is to go into No Contact with him for a few weeks. If he truly misses you and wants you back...you will know. Good luck to you.

[Boomer]

Nobody can answer if you will be together.

My only suggestion is to stop contact with him People tend to miss the things they once had but do not have anymore. Time will heal and tell

Go out with your friends and enjoy life. Your happiness is in your hands and must not depend on other people.

[SummerLove]

What exactly are the rules of No Contact? can i talk if he calls me?

[Lady Bugg]

NO Contact means ..NO calls, no texts, no emails, NOTHING. He needs to see what it means to live without you...and for YOU to gain a better perspective of things during this time apart. So no, you should not take his calls. It should not be that easy for him..after all ..he dumped YOU.

[melrich]

I think in this situation you should maybe explain to him that talking to him, seeing him is making it hard for you to move on and that you would appreciate it if he did not initiate contact or try to see you for a while.

[DN]

Did the break-up have anything to do with your previous posts about being jealous and upset over little things? And did you ever see the doctor about it?

[SummerLove]

Ok..i just got done talking to his best friend and he says to do the opposite. I should call him every so often just to keep me on his mind. I just have a feeling that its not over for good...He seemed adamit to make sure that I was willing to talk to him..and that it would be ok if we got back together. Is it possible that he's just going through a rough time? He said he needed space...

[SummerLove]

actually....to be totally honest..I have a problem with overreacting and getting mad over little things...and I know it did put a strain on out relationship.

[melrich]

He said he needed space...

 

OK 2 things. He said he needed space...and his best friend says to keep calling him. Well you work out which one you should listen to, him or his best friend.

 

Second, don't talk to his best friend about this. I think this is the biggest mistake people make. His best friend then goes to him and tells him you've been talking. It just makes him feel more enclosed...and angry that you are talking to his friends about him.

[DN]

Then perhaps you should deal with that issue before trying anything to get him back. Even if you don't get back with him you should still deal with it for the sake of future relationships.

[brando]

I agree with DN. Deal with the things that strained your relationship and that way regardless of what happens here you are a healthier person for the next.

 

Also give him space. And live your life.

 

be well

brando

[Setter5]

Well put Brando. Deal with things you're own way, on your own time.

 

That's you looking after you. You're that important!

 

Best,

[ocrob]

Summerlove, this post brought up a lot of thoughts. Whether he meant it or not, it was pretty noble of him to tell you he no longer loves you and not lead you on. Most of us guys get very mixed messages and wait around way too long to finally hear that statement. I learned something a few months ago that really helped me out. It was actually an ex girlfriend from many years ago who I told my situation to. She said to me that you can not be friends with someone you love. I thought about it and realized she was right. I tried the friend thing and it is agony. You are consumed with hope and miss the person so much. If you stay friends with him and do not get back together, once he starts dating, it will hurt so bad. My advice is to go NC. I will tell you as a guy, we tend to think a bit differently than women. Or, I will say that I do. It seems once a woman makes up her mind, it is very hard to go back. Men, or possiblly myself, change their minds so quickly. They realize how much they miss the person and realize they want them back. This happened to me many years ago after about four days. I am not saying this will happen, but it is more likely if you go NC. I guarantee that if he wants you back, he will do whatever it takes. I have been there. Go NC and do not give in. If he goes above and beyond and wants to seriously talk about getting back together, then you should talk to him. Do not be his friend and his emotional support system. He is feeling depressed and wants you to comfort him. Kind of odd huh? I have been there. Good luck.

[Relationship Coach]

Summer,

Sorry to hear about your relationship issues but I hardly think this came on as sudden as you think. He probably reached his breaking point and struggled with doing it. I don't think he did this because of someone else is involved.

 

You need yo go NC 100% and that goes for talking to third parties as well. Give him a universe of space and work on correcting your own issues while he ponders life in space. Remember, you are getting non-biased feedback and advice here which is much better than that of a biased friend.

[bebestix]

Yeah, i agree, you should look out for yourself. You can check out link removed for some tips on possibly getting him back. I'd say sit back, and let him make the initiative.

[novaseeker]

Second, don't talk to his best friend about this. I think this is the biggest mistake people make. His best friend then goes to him and tells him you've been talking. It just makes him feel more enclosed...and angry that you are talking to his friends about him.

Oh yes, absolutely 100% correct. You must assume that his friend (1) will tell him most everything you say and (2) will also (possibly) try to get you to do what he wants for his friend or what he thinks his friend wants you to do ... either way, not really thinking about what the best thing would be for *you*. It's a lose/lose situation for you ... you gain nothing by speaking to the ex's friends, really.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

In your situation, Id have a lot of questions and thoughts.

 

(firstly, Im really sorry to hear that, thats terrible).

 

When people suddenly change overnight, it usually isnt anything to do with their boyfriend/girlfriend. YOU hadnt changed, so something in his head did..and something must have triggered that...has anything else happened in his life lately that is major and may have made him re-evaluate (maybe rashly) everything?

 

an example....I broke up with someone once because I met a guy and his girlfriend who were clearly so right for each other and i thought *me and (exs name) are never going to be like that, oh g-d, must end it NOW* so I did. And I regretted it.

[lovecrazy]

You know Summer, my boyfriend and I have the same probelm.

 

He feels I over react to things. And you know what, I will admit I have in the past. It took a while to hit me. Maybe with him breaking up with you (if the reason was because he got fed up with the jealousy, the overreactin) you can take this as a lesson learned. And show him that you can change.

 

Try the no contact rule. For at least 2 weeks. By then he will be calling and calling. And end up over your house or if you work somewhere (depending on livng situations)

 

Now if he says that you are over reacting to this. you arent what so ever!

 

Well my boyfriend and I are doing well. I am not over reacting as much. I am stepping back and breathing then confronting the situation.

 

There are times when I feel overwhelmed. And would like to go crazy.

 

If you do get jealous, but say it out loud to him. But say it calmly! I have done that and it actually makes it better.

 

Please try the NC and you will see it does help in CERTAIN situations.

 

Please keep us updated about this!

[SummerLove]

Hey everyone..thanks for all the advice. I've given it a lot of thought and talked to my close friends about the situation. I am going to go NC for a while...just to help myself figure things out. I'm not even 100% sure myself if I want to get back together...I'm scared to get hurt again. The majority of people that I tell say that they believe he will come back to me, and if so..what should I do? I don't want to just give in to him. I want to somehow make him fight for my forgiveness without going overboard.

[Warmastoast99999]

I hate to say this but when ive aced that level of 'extremity' & iraationality before, its usually been when the other person has met someone else but darent or doesnt want to say so for fear of looking like the 'bad guy' - i think the telltale signs are when there is a quick change & apparent absolute certainty without reason, so much so i was left confused, almost dazed....