still sad...

[waiting]

Hopefully most people out there in the world are planning or already having a great new years night, but predictably nights like this bring out the demons…

 

Alrighty, long story short. My ex and I broke up over 3 years ago, but we remained very close. In fact, we were still living together and sleeping together (“as friends” – whatever the hell that means… right up until the day 20 months ago she told me she was seeing someone else.

 

This broke my heart, and broke me. I thought we were patching things up, but alas she thought otherwise. I had a total breakdown and it very nearly killed me.

 

I did everything wrong – endless calls, bordering on stalker behaviour and constant pleas to come back. Predictably this did not work… it was a very long road back to myself, and I learnt a lot about myself in that time. But the image of them together haunted every moment, and I couldn’t escape it. It was a constant source of misery that wouldn’t quit. It never went away, but after some time I learnt to deal with it – most of the time…

 

I got every mode of help available – shrinks, drugs, psychologists, hypnotherapy, etc etc etc… it all helped a bit, but family support was the most help. But it NEVER got rid of my love for her, and the desire to have her back.

 

3 months ago, I got a grip and was ready to move on. I had great new friends, work was going great (still is – got a $10K pay rise last week J ) and life looked like it had a future again.

 

Then I got the teary call from her, saying she had been dumped and she had no one else to call. I should have told her to get stuffed, but I couldn’t. I made all the right noises, and tried to consol her. All my progress was shattered and I had hope again. Most annoying….

 

And now she has been calling me, inviting me out to dinner, movies etc etc. buying me the most thoughtful Xmas present I ever got. She knows how I feel about her – I have told her enough times. But she keeps telling me that it’s never a “date” and she is still getting over being dumped. She keeps telling me that she loves me, but not in the way I want. I have not been pressuring her, and have been doing my very best to be a gentleman and just trying to be me. I have not being reading anything (well, not too much) into her actions lately.

 

And tonight I asked her out to go see the fireworks in the city. And got told she didn’t want to go with me because I am not her boyfriend and didn’t wasn’t to lead me on. And down I go again…. But yet again, she says “I don’t know what will happen in the future…”

 

Ok, so to the point. Why am I still here? Why am I still in love with her? What is wrong with me? She has made her feelings (or lack thereof) clear many many times over the last 20 months, and yet I still keep hanging on. ALL my friends tell me to move on, all my family tells me to move on, all my shrinks tell me to move on, and yet I still love her and still want her back. Why can’t I get rid of the feeling that I am more than on ex boyfriend?

It’s the constant “I don’t know what the future holds” I get from her that keeps me here. If she had just once said to me that “it was never going to happen”, I could have let go, and I would probably have been over it by now. But I have never been able to make that call myself. Weak of me? Probably… but as long as there was a chance, I would take it.

 

Neither of us are bad people, and I don’t hate her for what she has done to me. And she doesn’t hate me for what I have done to her. Any normal girl would have told me to get stuffed straight up. And any normal guy would not have stood for this and found someone else.

 

I can’t shake the feeling that if I am patient, we will come together again in some soppy “meant to be” type thing.

 

So here I am. Not out with my girl like I want. Oh well, get over it. But still sad. And still, to my own irritation, hopeful for the future. I still want her back, and am more hopeful than ever now we are talking again.

 

We are still very close. Yes, she gets annoyed when I want to talk about emotional stuff (and she is right – its all been said a million times… , but she stills wants to talk to me.

 

I know I should walk away. I should have done that 20 months ago. But my heart will not listen.

 

Anyway, enough rambling. Hope all you out there have a great new years, and I hope the new year brings all of us peace and contentment.

[johnagent1911]

Quit chasing her. If it's one thing I wish I knew(I was in the same place, I was stupid.) was that I should of stop pursuing her. Let her chase you. If she doesn't want to "date" you, go out and date someone else. And make sure you tell her you're going out too! Maybe she'll see what she will lose! Give her a challenge.

 

Only if I know now what I didn't then. Is this something that rings a bell?

 

Please read this site.

[Danny H]

Waiting, I really feel for you, what an absolute bummer of a situation to be in.

 

Unfortunetly You are trapped in a cage of your own making ( with no help from her).

 

Looking at this from outside my first thought was " how dare she call you when it goes wrong for her"- because she left you and she knows how that left you feeling, she should have respected your feelings.

 

She doesn't look like she is running back, she actually looks like she is using you as a crutch until she moves on to the next Love interest.

 

You are going to have to divorce your heart from this, and be a good friend.

OR you are going to have to be honest to her and walk right away.

 

I don't envy your situation.

 

Have a great new year anyway

 

best

 

dan

[Tigris]

I agree with the others, she's using you. I'm sorry but unless you stop this right now your life will continue to go in circles. You deserve someone better.

 

Good luck and take care.

[win]

yeah, shes keeping you on the back burner for her emotinal support. shes using you as acrutch for her heart in between her relationships. leaver her alone forever, dont make her chase you.. dont chse her.. just put her out of your mind completely.. i understand you say you cant, but you can.

 

pick up a hobby.

 

what are you interested in?

do groups of people meet for these? cause you need to get out and do things, other than contemplate about her.

are there any activities that you do that keep your mind off of her?

[Bethany]

What has she ever done for you, except use you, hurt you and drag you down to the point of despair? Move on honey. It's over, finished, have no regrets.

Look to the future. A future of peace of mind, where you will find someone new and be happy. You got us now ok, and we wil be there for you as long as you need us.

[brando]

Waiting,

 

I think u need to start taking care of yourself instantly. I understand how u feel and i know it hurts, but the more you are nice to her and try to be their for her more than u should, the more it will urt you.

 

I think it is fine your wantng to be their for her. But dont make that your life. I think u need to pull back a little and begin enjoying your life and putting the pieces back together. It doesn't matter what she does, you can chnage the dynamics right now of this relationship by putting your needs first. You can be a friend to her, but u also ned to be a friend to yourself.

 

It is a tough situation to be in, especially if u are having expectations of her reconciling wiht you. Lay off anyemotional talk. Keep the conversations short and happy, and try always to part first. You will need to be strong if u want to continue this relationship with her as it is now, it will feel one sided, u will feel disapointed, and mostly hurt, unless u can change the way you think about her and what is going on.

 

I would start dating as well. Just for the sake of dating, and getting back out their. I wouldn't throw t up in her face in hoes of making her jealous, but you are single, and it is time for you to begin to think about this.

 

Their is a fine balance to where u need to put yourself. Most would go NC. And disconnect from that person which is quite different from detaching. But only you know what it is you need to do for yourself.

 

Hang i their, everything works out for the best in the end.

 

be well,

Brando

[autumn99_99]

Waiting;

Im Sorry For What You Are Going Thru, As I Just Went Thru A Breakup A Month Ago, And Ended Up Calling Him Christmas Evening To Get A Few Of My Things I Left There, It Was Pure Hell Knowing When I Left That It Was Forever Over, We Just Both Cried Because There Was Nothing We Could Say Or Do. I Know How Bad It Hurts To Wish You Could Put It Back Together, Hoping They Will Call And All The Endless Feelings But I Can Honestly Say You Need To Get Away From Her, And Move On. Your Only Hurting Yourself More And Prolonging The Healing Process By Staying In The Situation. You Just Have To Tell Yourself You Deserve Better And Move On, I Am Still Very Sad Also But If They Dont Want You Back There Is Nothing You Can Do, End Of Story. I Have Tried Going Out Lately, And That Hasnt Helped Either I Dont Know What The Answer Is But I Know I Couldnt Do What You Are, It Would Only Hurt Worst Seeing Them. It Set Me Back Seeing Him After Almost A Month And Im Back To Square One, Starting The Healing Process Over Again, I Know It Hurts I Feel It Everyday But I Decided If He Dont Want Me Back Then Fine, Hopefully, Someday I Will Find Someone Else Or At Least Be Ok Being Alone. Take Care, And Keep Reading This Forum, It Has Helped Me Alot Knowing Im Not The Only One Going Thru This.

[Relationship Coach]

Waiting,

You know what you need to do and you know what she is doing to you. It's just a matter of action and taking it. The pain in which you are suffering will continue as long as you feel there is a chance to get back with her. It is hard to bring it to an end emotionally but you need to do this for yourself. She needs to understand that you can't and wont be there for her anymore. You are compromising what you really want by accepting whatever time you can get with her, even if it is listening to her talk about her ex that just dumped her.

 

Ask yourself this, if she is so wonderful, why did she get dumped? Maybe this other guy discovered what you have been blind to. Any way you look at it, you have hurt too much. Even if she gave you another chance, it would not be the same. It's time to decide who you love more "you" or "her"? Ask yourself this, is the pain worth the pleasure? Is the uncertainty worth the insecurity? Find those answers and 2006 will be a better year for you.

[waiting]

I saw her tonight. I was waiting for a train home from the city and there she was with her housemate and brother. God she looked amazing. She still takes my breath away.

 

The trains on my line were delayed, so she said I could come back with her and borrow her car to get home. Just sat next to her on the train, wanting so badly to touch her... But I was ok. I am ok 9 days out of 10 to take things as they come. It's the 10th day I get a bit down.

 

As for dating other girls, I tried that. I had about 5 flings in the last year, and 2 of them wanted a whole lot more from me than I could give. It felt like I was cheating, every time. But I kept forcing myself to do it, thinking it would help get her out of head. But it never worked, and ended up with me feeling worse, because they were not her.

 

So I have learnt to keep away from other girls. It's not fair on them, and even though it's not actually cheating, it's the way it feels to me.

 

I have fought and fought with myself to come up with a plan of what to do. Leave, or stay and keep hoping. Some days I think I have it figured out, and others I don't. I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do. I feel this way about her, and that is not going to change. So, that leaves me in a crappy situation, but I just have to ride it out. Some days I am ok, and we can spend time together without me flipping out. Other days I just let her calls go unanswered because I know I am not up to it.

 

All your advice is good, and I have tried taking it before. I have tried every possible thing to get her out of my head, including long NC times. I never get anywhere with it though.

 

The thing I still have so much trouble with is the thought of them together. I feel so betrayed, which is stupid because I have been with other girls since she left. I still can't work out if she has done me a wrong, or if it was just a bad situation of both our making. She really thought we were just friends when he came along, an impression not helped by me playing along with that. I just thought we were coming back together again. So I guess it's my fault there…

 

I don't think she is using me. She is not like that. I still don't really know if has any thoughts about getting back together, but I doubt it when her dumping is still fresh. She says she thinks about it sometimes, and just doesn't know what will happen.

 

We are a very important part of each others life, regardless of what is happening. Will that turn into something more? I don't know, and neither does she. She was hurt pretty badly by her boyfriend, and she needs time to get over that. And even then I don't expect her to come running back to me.

 

Time is what I have to give her. Maybe she will come back, and maybe she won't. I know I will love her until the day I die. Maybe one day I will meet someone to be with who will make me happy and take the loneliness away, but she will have to share my heart with another woman. Which is not very fair.

 

So I am resigned to being alone for a while yet. I am doing ok these days, notwithstanding the occasional down days. I am spending a lot of time on me, and using the hard lessons I have learnt from this whole experience to better myself and my life. But I am glad to see the back of 2005 – it has been a forgettable year…

[waiting]

Believe me, I have tried. And tried, and tried again to walk away. I have spent so much time bouncing from one extreme to the other that I have just stopped fighting it now. This the way I feel, and there is not much I can do about it. It's a sort of relief giving up control over it. Which is not the same as giving up, or not working on things in my life that I can control.

 

I am not blind to her faults. I know them all and accept them as part of her. Doesn't change the way I feel.

 

And I love myself as much as I do her. Would happily take a bullet for her though.

 

It's not a matter of whether the pain is worth it. The pain is there regardless of whether I am around her or not. And life is always uncertain.

 

But the one thing I just can't do is say I am leaving, and that I won't be there for her. I have tried to do this so many times, and it's just not going to happen. This is who I am, and this is how I feel. I am not going to hide it, or pretend otherwise. But I am also not going to make myself a doormat. I have made it clear that talk of her ex is off limits around me. It upsets me, so I have said don't do it.

 

And you are right – it wouldn't be the same. Which is a good thing. We are different people now to some extent, and this whole thing has changed me – for the better. I have learnt a lot about myself and feel a lot more grown up. But we still have a bond to each other (her words…) that will be the basis for something strong and lasting.

 

But that's out of my control now, so I have to just accept what ever happens and make the best of what I am given. And focus on all the good things in my life now.

[Relationship Coach]

But the one thing I just can't do is say I am leaving, and that I won't be there for her. I have tried to do this so many times, and it’s just not going to happen. This is who I am, and this is how I feel. I am not going to hide it, or pretend otherwise.

 

Then prepare yourself to be her "friend", because that is where this is headed. I guess this is the ultimate sacrifice of love, you are willing to endure a friendship with her at any cost to yourself.

 

By the way, I truly feel that when you did attempt to date the feelings were not "of cheating" as you described. I think you were afraid that if you got involved with anyone, she would never come back to you. It's a double standard but it happens. You can accept that she moved on to someone else but if you did moved on you would be afraid that she would see it as you didn't really love her. Just my take on it.

[Danny H]

Waiting when I have seen your sort of situation in film ( where one person loves somebody, and just stays around although they are not loved back in the same way)- It has always seemed like a real sad loss of a life lived.

 

Think very honestly with yourself.

 

What would you feel if 4 years from today you had been there for every crisis she had, running when needed, giving support etc, etc.

 

And then she turned to you and told you she was marrying this new guy who made her feel complete etc, etc.

 

Could you honestly look at her with love and say " I am so happy for you"

 

If you can, then you are great friend, or a stronger man than I could ever be.

 

But what if this cripples you, and you get angry that your plan to win her back didn't work, You will be 4 years older and 4 years more bitter.

 

Think closely on what you do, try to use the brain a little, the heart can be a bit of a mess at times like this.

 

Best

 

 

Dan

[xenakis]

I was in a situation like yours for a long time. Until, I met a great girl and she completely made the first one vanish.

 

One thing you should be very careful about is idolizing her. You are living an illusion now. You only see her good sides, and when she treats you bad you find excuses and say it isn't so.

 

You need to see the whole picture. If you feel bad about having flings then don't, but do not close your heart to potentiel love interests.

 

My bet is that when you snap out of it and become the man you once were, she we either come back or you will find someone else.

 

Right now, she sees you as a crutch because that is was you painted yourself to be.

 

Be the MAN, she wants.(anyhow, it is the only way to stop this vicious circle.) Act in a way that will completely surprise her... Stop calling or answering calls for awhile. You own that to yourself.

[Relationship Coach]

Save these posts, print them and read them in a year from now. It takes only a few minutes to get advice but it might take a year to understand it!

[Relationship Coach]

I think I just created a new signature line there!

[Lady Bugg]

Waiting....

 

I am no expert, but this is what I gather....

 

The reason you hurt is you are in regular contact with her and its all on her terms. You accept table scraps realizing the other guy is getting the main course, and he is the forefront of her thougts. You settle for that and it breaks you down into itty bitty pieces and you wonder why it hurts. It hurts because YOU won't allow yourself to heal. That's because you don't have the STRENGTH to be angry. Your pain is so great (and this fact does hurt you so) that you can't muster the energy to get angry with her, with yourself, with the way things are. That anger would help you move on, and eventually out of the anger and pain and onto something better for yourself

 

The other aspect to all this is you are massaging her ego, giving this ignorant person the royal treatment. Think about it. She has one guy that she is intimate with and she knows that you are just "sick" about her, pining away and can't move on with your life. She says geee I must be so SPECIAL! She loves it!! And she has little incentive to change." She doesn't realize that she is half the problem here. Terrrible pain is being inflicted here and she doesn't understand her role in it.

 

I hate to see someone suffer like this at their own hand. They pick excruciating pain day after day after day, instead of the choice to experience the real but temporary pain of going through the withdrawal from their powerful addiction to another person, which will HAVE to be done eventually.

 

Even if you got back together with this person on January 1, nothing would be different because you aren't different and your time together would be limited. You are still the same needy dependent person who is looking OUTSIDE, like an addict does, to another person, to THIS person, for your happiness and satisfaction. You say over and over that you can't be happy unless she, the target of your addiction, is in your life. That my friend is an AWFUL place to be, for you and for HER. That neediness, that desire for a fix, becomes the central component of any intimate relationship and eventually will DESTROY it.

 

It saddens me that you are going to keep doing this to yourself INTO 2006 when you have the power to change this right now. If only you would. This is an opportunity for you to learn about yourself and discover insights into why this relationship did not work. It is an opportunity to learn that you don't actually NEED anybody, that you can survive and find happiness and a life in solitude if NEED BE. But so far you aren't seizing this opportunity.

 

Best of luck and I sincerely hope that you recognize that YOU are the source of your own misery. This is your choice. I hope you really really get "sick of it" and realize that you can begin to heal TODAY.

 

__________________

[waiting]

Thanks all. Must have heard all that a million times though, but I do appreciate it.

 

I am not just waiting around for her (must change that username - was made up a while ago...) and am getting on with my life. Things are pretty good for me these days.

 

I am not relying on her for my happiness, and am finding that in myself.

 

I have been angry a lot, at myself and at her. It was what finally got me walking away 3 months ago. That and the intense pain of knowing they were together. It was pretty debilitating and it took the recognition of what it was doing to my day to day life to get me to change something. And I will never let it get that bad again!!!

 

It does still hurt (not nearly as much as it used to though, now he is gone), and I am fully aware that staying around is going to expose myself to more pain. But in a way, it's a conscious decision I have made so I will just have to put up with it. And yes I know, she clicked her fingers and I was back. Trust me, it annoys me too, but it was my choice and I have to take what comes with that decision.

 

And it's not all on her terms. I have made it very very clear that I have no interest in being friends with her, nor will I ever. She knows that if it's only ever going to be friends, I will leave. I don't know how long it will be before either I decide it's not going to change, or she decides there might be a future for us. But for now, I will take things as they come and see what happens. BUT, I am NOT putting my life on hold. And should some wonderful woman turn up and sweep me off my feet, I am not going to turn her away off hand. I'm not that silly! If that's what happens, that's what happens.

 

I have had plenty of insights into why it didn't work last time, and have taken those lessons learned hard to heart. I have been using them on all aspects of my life and am a much happier person for it. I am finding happiness and a life in solitude. It's been a long hard road, and I am not about to throw it away now! Of course I would be happier with her, but I am not unhappy without her.

 

If she does tell me one day that she is seeing someone else again, then you can be assured that will be it and I will leave on a permanent basis. In many ways it would be a relief and I could close the door on that chapter finally.

 

Only problem is that I have a few bad days here and there. But I can deal with these – have had lots of practice - but for the most part I am ok.

 

I wish I knew why I still feel we will work it out one day. Not a lot of evidence (but a little) for this and yet I still feel it so strongly. I have been analysing this a lot for a long time, and I am no closer to working out why this is. It seems to be just something I believe, and I don't give up on things I believe in.

 

I am glad this forum is still here. It got me through some rough patches and writing this down is a great way to organize my thoughts. Will have to spend some time reading posts and hopefully be able to offer some advice. Thank you all.

[frecklegirl]

Lady Bug, thank-you.........although it was not directed at me, I saw all of my own issues in waiting's post and your feedback directly hit home with me.

I too am in control, but am allowing myself to drift waiting for him!!! He is NOT waiting for me.

thanks.