Attracted to girl working in restaurant

[petepete]

I am very shy and have never asked a girl out before (or been on a date) but many women seem attracted to me. I have been going to a large all you can eat restaurant about twice a week for 10 weeks and have found a mutual attraction with two of the workers ( evident from eye contact and body language ). One of these girls works replacing food and the other works behind a bar that you cannot sit in front of. The girl working with the food I am no longer interested because of english not being her first language and communication difficulties. The girl who works behind the bar and collecting glasses I am still interested in and she still seems attracted to me but I am worried that she will soon think that I am gay or not interested in a relationship with her if I don't do something ( I have had to look away because her eyes are saying "I love you" and I don't know what to do ). How do I get to know the girl behind the bar better while causing the least hurt to the girl working in food ? I am also concerned about bargirl getting in trouble with employer if she is seen talking to me for too long. I would like to get to know bargirl better without really making any committment because I don't know whether she is "the one" yet and I am extremely empathetic so I will feel any pain I cause her. Please help, any advice appreciated. thank you.

[kellbell]

Hi Pete!

 

Ask her out for coffee. Maybe write your name and number down on a napkin or piece of paper if you don't want to get her in trouble and then give it to her. If you feel she likes you too then it's time to bust a move....you never know unless you ask. Good luck and take care.

[PocoDiablo]

I would not give her your number but would rather ask for hers. I think, however, this is a long shot. People in the service industry get hit on all the time, and unless you're practiced it's hard to date them.

 

More importantly, what is her schedule like? Would you ever see her?

[petepete]

I probably should have mentioned that I haven't spoken a to the girl I like other than "Can I get a jug of water please, thankyou". Should I just ask her out in the first sentence or just write my name and number down without having a conversation with her . How might she take such a "move" ?

[petepete]

I would not give her your number but would rather ask for hers. I think, however, this is a long shot. People in the service industry get hit on all the time, and unless you're practiced it's hard to date them.

 

More importantly, what is her schedule like? Would you ever see her?

 

definitely not a "long shot". I trust what my intuition tells me when I look into a persons eyes and I can see that she likes me. My main concern is to do what is most right and what will result in the least pain for everyone involved.

 

If I ask her out is it presumed that I will not persue any relationships with other women from this point because I want to get to know a lot women in the next few years in order to find someone to bear my children ?

[kellbell]

Hey Pete,

 

If your gut tells you that this girl digs you, then I say go for it. Either give her your number or ask for hers....which ever you feel comfortable with...but I still say go for it!

[amgine]

This sounds so familiar

 

 

What you can do is next time you see her as you are a regular she is bound to recognise you.

Smile at her, say hello. You can build up conversations from there till you feel confident to ask her out.

When you leave, say bye, or see you or something like that.

 

Over time you'll build up conversations with her, get to know her a bit better little questions here and there, find out subtly if she has someone or not.

[PocoDiablo]

I probably should have mentioned that I haven't spoken a to the girl I like other than "Can I get a jug of water please, thankyou". Should I just ask her out in the first sentence or just write my name and number down without having a conversation with her . How might she take such a "move" ?

Again, writing your name and number down is a passive move. This does not signal any confidence on your part. You are relying on the woman to call you to set up the date. This is not the role of the woman and it is highly unlikely she will do it. Working in restaurants it's clear this happens to her a lot. If you are like every other guy who holds his head down a shoves a scrap of paper in her hand (or even a business card) and expects her to make the first move then I think you are missing a HUGE concept. You, the male, must make the first move in order to court her. This is your job.

 

You must at least make some small talk. This is not a forbidden or secret relationship is it? This is something that you are free to do - to pursue a woman to start a family with. However, you act like you are in a repressed situation where if you get caught you will go to jail. I don't think this is the case, is it? You do need to say hello. You do need to ask her what her name is. You do need to smile, make eye contact, and make some small talk. If you don't it's likely you will come off as a stalker or a creep. I can imagine her now "Oh, it's him, the guy who stares at me and never says hello. It's scary. I want someone to walk me to my car after work in case he tries to attack me." So, has she ever smiled at you? Has she ever come over and offered any kind of service such as a refill, or any other ACTION that physically moves her closer to you? Generally the reality is that if a woman wants to meet you she will do something that allows you to get close enough to talk to her.

 

Example: Going home on the metro, cute girl about 20 feet from me, I checked her out, she checked me out. The train pulled up. Two lines go onto the train. He lines goes all the way in but I still have about 5 people in front of me. She STOPPED on the platform and just before I got on she stepped right in front of me. Once inside we were standing next to each other. Naturally, she turned around, looked up, and smiled at me. I said hello and we had a nice chat. After about 5 minutes I got her phone number as she indicated she was getting off at a close stop. Simple. Actions speak louder than words.

 

I understand the pain and confusion you are going through, and I commend you for taking action, because that is what you have to do at this point. You really cannot wait. You do need to get her phone number and you do need to make a move.

 

How?

 

definitely not a "long shot". I trust what my intuition tells me when I look into a persons eyes and I can see that she likes me. My main concern is to do what is most right and what will result in the least pain for everyone involved.

Okay, am I totally off when I say I think you and she are Asian? If this is the case, then I think you may be right on and this is cultural, and I totally understand what you are saying. Yes, staring at you IS a big sign of interest. However, in many cultures that simply is not the case. Please give me some more details because I think they will make a big difference.

 

If I ask her out is it presumed that I will not persue any relationships with other women from this point because I want to get to know a lot women in the next few years in order to find someone to bear my children ?

It's presumed you won't CHEAT on her if that is what you mean. But you can date as many women as you are comfortable with. Personally, I only date one woman at a time. If a woman does not make me feel comfortable in the relationship, I dump her and move on. I don't date more than one woman at a time though. It's too much work!

[ocrob]

Wow, I have been in this situation before. It seems PocoDiablo will disagree with me, but I say that you hand her a napkin with your name, number and a quick explanation. This way you will not be putting her in an uncomfortable position or a postion to get in trouble. If she is interested, then she will call you. Explain that you don't know of any other way to meet her and don't want her to get in trouble. I have done this twice and it did not work out, but I tried. lol At least you are not putting them in a bad position. So what, if you get a bit embarrassed, if it does not work out. You have to try. There is this woman at my Doctor's office who is next on my list. I just need to figure out how to be polite and ask her out. Could be embarrassing, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. Trot on bro.

[kellbell]

That's why I suggested the napkin idea...he mentioned he didn't want to get her into trouble by talking too long to her while she working. Just write a quick note with something like...

 

"I don't want to get you in trouble by talking to you while you are working but I'd like to get you know you better, how about over coffee. Here's my number..."

 

Something to that effect. Like my dad used to say..."no guts, no glory." Go for it!

[PocoDiablo]

Wow, I have been in this situation before. It seems PocoDiablo will disagree with me

but of course! Only because you say ...

I have done this twice and it did not work out

So if it did not work out, it's probably not the best advice? Maybe?

 

In my opinion, you have to be a whole greater breed of person to pick up a waitress of any kind. You have to become a regular. You have to talk to her frequently without hitting on her. You have to be bold. Me, personally, the only way this has worked was to be bold and ask her out or to become a regular and get to know her but NEVER hit on her.

 

This is not normal dating situation in my experience.

[EndThisMusic]

Hi petepete, I'm going to recommend a book to you that I read over a year ago. It helped me overcome shyness some shyness that I've had since freshman year of High School. It's called "The Shy Single : A Bold Guide to Dating for the Less-than-Bold Dater". I'd recommend going to your local bookstore and just reading through it and seeing if it's something you think might help. It doesn't advocate things that are impossible, but breaks things down into manageable steps. Once you start completing those steps, you feel very good. I actually came to realize I wasn't really as shy as I thought! I suspect you might find out the same thing! Good luck!

[ShySoul]

First, relax. What you are doing is building up a relationship in your head with a person that you haven't even talked to and not really know anything about. You can be giving each other looks, but those looks don't really say "I love you." They may say, "You're cute, talk to me."

 

So what you want to do is get to know her. Is she usually busy? Have you seen her talking with other people before? If possible, I would just introduce myself, saying you've been coming here a lot lately and keep noticing her. Say hi and make polite chit chat. Get to know her better and talk each time you go there. Thus you can better see if she really is someone you want to go out with. And if things seem to go well afterwhile, then ask her when you are comfortable.