My Recent Break Up - Hope my story Helps

[Insite]

Well I wanted to tell you all my "December Story". In writing this I hope to help many who are going through a breakup and give a bit of insight and inspiration.

I was with my girlfriend for 3 years. We lived together for 2 ½. We had a dog together and many things we bought together to decorate the house.

The last week of November she left on a trip for New York to visit a friend of hers. When she left she said I love you so much and I will see you soon.

She got back 5 days later and told me she was leaving me. She stayed with me for 4 days then moved all of her stuff out and went to live with her parents.

The first few days where agonizing. Here I was alone in a house with all of our stuff and our dog. Everything reminded me of her! Not to mention the financial burden she left me with. A week later we got together to take the dog to a park we would always go to on Sundays to walk her. She told me she was thinking of working things out with me. I never begged, and I never played the game she was trying to play – I said Ok. After that day I had no contact with her until Wednesday. She came over that night completely bummed out. She asked me to commit to working it all out (this is a week after the breakup). I said ok. We made plans to go out to dinner the following Friday. Friday came and I was driving home from the office when she calls – "What time do you want to go out?" I told her 7pm and she said ok but ill only have an hour - I have plans. I told her to forget it because we had plans and she went ahead and made plans on top of them. She then told me how it was a mistake to want to commit to working things out and yelled a bit and hung up. I did the NC thing again. I went to a party with our circle of friends. She called me and asked if I would mind if she went. I said do whatever you like. She then asks me to give her 2 weeks to sort her head out. I told her she could take 2 years if she wanted to.

She constantly tried playing these games and she was the one who left!! Now don't get me wrong – this was agonizing to me, but I knew that by putting up a strong front I could keep my dignity through all this.

 

Our monthly bills are quite substantial so she agreed to help pay January, which would give me a month to find a room mate for February. She called me last night and started crying saying how she couldn't afford it – I know she can. I told her look, ill compromise. She then says to me – "You know, your not making me miss you very much." Completely out of the blue. I replied to her, look, I am over you. –silence- Do what you want.

You see, she was still trying to hang this two week time period over my head. I called her on it and instead of saying something like "Well you won't come back to me anyway." I turned the tables by telling her I was over her.

 

Now like I said earlier – this was an agonizing month. My Birthday was Dec. 6th. She left me a few days before this. The first two weeks where horrible. To NC her was tough – but stick with it – it works. It got easier after the first two weeks then on Xmas day it hit home hard. I cried for like 10 seconds then all of a sudden I couldn't cry anymore – and haven't cried since.

 

As hard as it was I stayed strong. Friends helped me by listening to me get things of my chest.

I started going back to the gym and this helps immensely. If you are going through a breakup – EXERCISE!! I swear to you it helps a lot.

I am going out to the bars again with my friends and just having fun.

 

Yes – she is still trying to play the games, but I won't play. I know it will only get worse for her now as it has already gotten better for me. As a matter of fact I am already wondering what I saw in her. All in a one month period I went from absolute lust for this woman to genuinely not liking her.

 

How do I know I don't like her?

 

I'm not even angry with her anymore and have zero animosity. She always ends her phone calls with a hang up.

I have committed to moving on.

 

I hope this helps some of you. I know how awful and hard it can be and how you can lose focus of everything else that is important.

 

This board helped me so much and reading some of your posts I just felt like it would only be right to try and give something back to this forum.

 

Much Love - Chris

[Jut]

Chris

THis is what i wished i could have done. I think you have earned respect for yourself by handling this situation so well. Kudos for that. I wish i was that strong to take care of myself at that time. But guess some people learn the hard way.

 

"I have committed to moving on."

I guess this is the single most important thing that most of us wont do. Commintment to move on, commitment to take care of ourselves rather than whining about past and trying to win back those who leave us or whom we leave.

[moondog627]

First of all... BRAVO!!! =D>

 

She called me and asked if I would mind if she went. I said do whatever you like. She then asks me to give her 2 weeks to sort her head out. I told her she could take 2 years if she wanted to.

 

Bar none, one of the best lines I've heard all year. Again...BRAVO!

 

As hard as it was I stayed strong. Friends helped me by listening to me get things of my chest.

I started going back to the gym and this helps immensely. If you are going through a breakup – EXERCISE!! I swear to you it helps a lot.

I am going out to the bars again with my friends and just having fun.

 

Very true. The exercising really does become like a drug and helps ease your mind. Thanks to my ex, I've now lost 30 lbs from the breakup and have never been in better shape.

 

I hope this helps some of you. I know how awful and hard it can be and how you can lose focus of everything else that is important.

 

This board helped me so much and reading some of your posts I just felt like it would only be right to try and give something back to this forum.

 

Much Love - Chris

 

Great job Chris. You're an inspiration to us all.

[Insite]

Jut my friend you can be strong. Strength comes by being honest to yourself. While your alone do whatever you need to do. Grieving was a very important part of my healing process. When I was alone I stared at the walls and cried, rinse repeat. When I was out I did my best to be social and have fun. When I came into contact with her, and this was hard, I just put up a casual front. A strong front.

I truly feel that I got through this by being honest to myself and not trying to hide my feelings from myself.

Once you earn the respect for yourself you so rightfully deserve everything comes clear.

[RayKay]

You have hit on something that I have described many times, and urged people to do, but until you get to a certain point, most people don't realize it. You have to make a commitment to move on. It is not easy to do, it does not mean your feelings are gone, or it's going to be all sunshine and roses, but once you make that commitment and that choice, it's only going to go forward.

 

And of course, taking care of yourself is another essential component of that...exercise is great, I am the same way in that I use it to deal with stresses and such, but so is just finding your passions again - be it writing, art, spending more time with friends, taking up a new sport, or training for a marathon again. It helps you get back in touch with whom you are, and redevelop your respect for yourself and find your strength again.

 

Happy Healing

[melrich]

You have to make a commitment to move on.

 

That should be posted as a sticky at the top of the board for all time!

[novaseeker]

Yay! You win! Great work!

[curlyl1]

I was told a week ago that it was over by my b/friend. We had lived together for 4 years and it came completely out of the blue. I am usually quite a strong person, but this has destroyed me. I cant settle, sleep or eat. It happened on the 18th and i honestly am not feeling any better. Any advice

[Insite]

curlyl1 I am so sorry you are going through this. The advice I can give to you from my own experience is:

 

1) Grieve. It is so important that you get your feelings out. you will feel so much better and it will speed up your healing.

2) Stay busy! Get out and do something. Call your friends and go out.

3) Exercise!!! Go out for a walk or run. This increases those happy chemicals in your brain and it will make you feel much better!

4) NC him. Stay strong and do not call him or answer his calls. If you feel weak ask a friend to come over and play defense for you. If you need to get your feelings out write a letter to him or an email BUT DO NOT SEND IT! Destroy it after it is finished or put it away.

 

Most importantly know this - You are not alone! If you need to chat come back to the forum and you'll have all the support you need!

 

Stay strong curlyl1

 

Much Love ~ Chris

[Danny H]

Well done Chris, after the bomb that was dropped on you, you have kept your respect in tact.

 

In fact from all the posts I have read so far you seemed to have coped the best

 

In retrospect do you think you really were in love with her, or do you think you had been glossing over the relationship in order to keep going with it?

 

Dan

[Insite]

Hi Dan. Well in retrospect let’s see if I can pull up some feelings here.

 

Midway through the relationship I did in fact question if I was still physically attracted to her. I felt bad for this and kept going.

I have even questioned myself whether I was in fact truly in love with her.

 

This breakup with her has been the easiest of the last three ladies I have gone through a breakup with. Of course, this could be because of the previous lessons I have learned. She had done the breakup thing during our relationship about 4 times. This time she left, the others she stayed.

These instances were always over petty arguments. With that being said I was kind of at the end of my rope.

I work very hard and did commit to her with hopes of raising a family one day. I felt disrespected when she would do these little breakup episodes, since I treated her with the utmost respect.

 

While she was in New York, and I didn't mention this in my initial post purposely - thought it would be going off on a tandem - I was going to ask her to marry me. I even shopped for a ring.

Now this is where I might have put my foot in my mouth. I truly felt I wanted to spend my life with her. During the relationship I got lazy though and I was angry with myself. I had always been in shape and took very good care of myself. Between her and my career I let this slip. It was my own fault, but it definitely put pressure on my own personality, thereforeeee hurting the relationship.

 

To be honest I look back and I am confused. I loved her, or did I?

I still miss her so very much. I would be lieing if I said everyday was easy.

The question I need to figure out is this:

 

Was I in love with her?

Or was I in love with the fact I had someone?

I think my career had a whole lot to play in this thing. I was just starting out - was starting to make the "real money" and developing the "real stresses" of having a career. She was a comfort I went home to everyday.

 

Please note though - regardless of everything - it hurt badly.

 

Your question is such an excellent question, and the fact that you had the foresight to ask it shows me you really do understand.

 

For that I would like to thank you.

 

Much Love all ~ Chris

[Mjane]

You have hit on something that I have described many times, and urged people to do, but until you get to a certain point, most people don't realize it. You have to make a commitment to move on. It is not easy to do, it does not mean your feelings are gone, or it's going to be all sunshine and roses, but once you make that commitment and that choice, it's only going to go forward.

You are so right RayKay. I have always found this immensely helpful in my recovery. It's sad that I've had so much experience with this.... but making this mental decision is the BIGGEST and most important step you can take.

And the exercise is also a key to getting those good feelings flowing. Mountain biking was my savior last year in my breakup. I had to concentrate so hard on not getting myself killed that I didn't have time to think!!

I also run, but my brain has time to think when I do that. So this summer, when I was going through a rough time, I was biking three or more times a week...

[curlyl1]

All of the above posts are so positive, and deep down i know that i will feel this way some day. I just wish it would be soon. I dont seem to be getting any better at all. The mornings are a killer, I feel so alone. I do have friends, but he was my best friend and i miss him so badly. I honestly feel as if my heart is breaking. I wish i felt anger towards him for making me feel like this, but i dont, i just love him and want it to be ok. How can i be so pathetic?

 

How do i get through the next few weeks?

[moondog627]

Hi Curly,

Unfortunately there is no cure for what you're going thru. Mornings were rough for me too. Often I would wake up at 5am, already in mid-thought of her. Even last night I dreamt of her and it was tough. But in time you will forget and you will move on. Just keep moving forward through the pain. It will not last forever. Try to keep busy as best you can.

[Ghostrider4042005]

dude definitely the smartest thing you could have done leave her n nen doin stuff you couldn't do with her awesome thinking my friend there are so many much better women anyway n don't take one take em all there like pokeman gotta catch em all haha

[Mjane]

How do i get through the next few weeks?

Just work on trying to get in the mindset that you are giving up hope that you'll ever get back together or hear from him. Once you do that you'll start to remember the stuff about him that bothered you. And then you'll feel comforted in your decision. Part of the issue about getting dumped is it was out of your control. This is a way to take control over your life, heart, head again.

I would also keep busy and search for a way to meet new people. Making a new friend is always time consuming.

[lewisbn11]

Some interesting points here. Firstly well done on how strong you were. I think the hardest part is accepting. Actually telling yourself that "no i am never going to be with her again. She will not call". I, like probably some others, have visited these forums since my break up (dumped a week ago) and tend to chose to remember the things on here which make me feel better. I.e "she may be confused", "she will miss you in time" etc etc. All the things about her and her maybe coming back. I spent 4 days of no contact and i did start feeling slightly better. Then one night in a club i met her again and she stayed at mine and i slept with her and it was amazing only to be told the next morning that yes it is over. She does not want to be with me. Major set back. Now my mind is saying she might want sex again. She might call. Instead of before when it was "Its over, move on keep busy".

 

I would love to get to the stage of telling her its over if she did call. Or being so happy on my own. One problem i think i have is that im so attracted to her. She could get anyone and she has told me the same too. We are so attracted to each other im worried if i see her again it might end up in bed. How hard it would be too tell her no sorry.

 

The key thing im going to try and remember from these posts ive read is that i think everyone feels like there feeling the worst. If you have been dumped. You feel so low that theres noway that anyone else can feel like you do but infact they probably do. Or even worse! i was with my gf one year not 3 years with children like some people.

 

Parents always seem to laugh or smile at how cut up they got when things went wrong in love at 20. I think this is a good sign of how you really learn something from it and each time is not as bad,

Good luck everyone thank you all for your time. Lewis

[feelingafraid]

Thanks. I am sitting here in Seattle - He just left 2 hours ago. I asked him to. I have to have some boundaries. I was trying to stretch out his leaving until February when we could afford it, but all his lies are showing up on a daily basis (he went off the deep end with porn/phone sex opertors and God knows what else in November). I can't trust him and he is blaming me for all this.

 

I have been dealing with a porn addict and feeling guilty over having some boundaries and asking him to leave and I am going through some financially worrisome times over enforcing my boundaries. My 2 dogs are sitting here looking at me too.

 

What sucks for me, in a totally unrelated incident, somebody stole my car the other day when I was at work from the parking lot. I am without a car now to. I feel cheated this week, this is definetly not a good time for me. I am a recovering addict also, and will celebrate 3 years clean in 2 weeks. I will get through this. Thanks for the inspiration.

[newby]

Hi Chris,

 

Wow, you sound so level headed in all of this turmoil. Good for you in being able to be so honest in your exploration of your feelings.

 

I know how worrying and difficult it is when you are finacially tied to bills too, I am in a similar situation. No easy answer here other than to get a finacial adviser to watch your back. Good for you with the NC thing, I am reeling from my breakup and wish I had your strength not to call him. I try really hard to resist but usually end up phoning or texting only to be hurt when he is cold and dismissive,, and sounds totally unconcerned about me and the damage he has caused. (25 yrs - we were 19yrs when we got together, lived together 23 yrs, our 21st wedding anniversary on 15th Dec). He had an affair and I found out on 1st Dec. - Hell followed.

 

I hope you are fine. These things are hell to deal with but I suppose people come through, I hope so anyway or else

[newby]

Posted my reply before I had finsished.(new to online correspondance and finding my feet, and a bit useless) .

 

I too wake every day at 5 am without fail and I am already, on wakening thinking about the LCB (lying cheating bstd!). I am having such awful vivid dreams and I feel I never get a break from being hurt , upset, frightened, humiliated, betrayed, destroyed.

 

Chris, you sound like a tower of strength even though you were hurt and are now questioning how you really felt about this woman, you sound as though you will get through this.

 

Just wanted to say you have a double in Scotland - I worked with your exact physical double for a few years. It is uncanny how alike you are. Are your ancestors celtic?

 

P.S. Your 4 points are spot on! The only hard thing is I feel so beaten down by this it is hard to have any motivation to do the basics. I have been in a state of inertia for a month. I am usually an active fit person, I go to the gym, do hill walking and swim etc. I am determined to get back to that. I need the endorphins - not the cheating husband!!

[Insite]

Wow - so many replies. All I can say is thanks - im flattered.

 

newby - I was born in Liverpool actually, and yes, my family is originally Irish. That sounds incredible.

 

Well I made it through New Years. Her and I run in the same circles. I delibritely avoided the large party, to be honest I dont even know if she was there or not, but I dont care - I spent New Years with some good friends and we went out to the bars and had a great time.

 

I turned the front living room of my house into a gym, something she would never let me do. Talk about closure. It felt great putting the dining room table in the backyard and replacing it with an Olympic weight bench!!

 

She has called - I have not answered. It is hard not to feel a bit revengeful, or more accurately the - "Well I showed her!" attitude.

 

Lately I have really felt like i'm coming back into myself. I have realized that there are two Chriss'. The first Chris is outgoing and definitely knows how to have a good time. The second Chris - the relationship Chris - is reserved and content - too content.

 

What I am going to do the next time im involved with a lady.

 

I am going to try like hell to stay the same. The Chris I am when I am single. I know now that I can get too comfortable when involved. Next time I want to keep things interesting. Oh - and stay in shape. Considering my living room looks like the local gym now this wont be hard.

 

Everybody - please believe me when I say there is definitely light. I now see all the things I missed and how proud you can feel to become once again independent. As for strength - every single one of you have it, I know this. Be honest with yourself and the truth will set you free.

 

As for him or her - make the decision to move on. In my case it backfired on my ex. Once they realize you have moved on (and the quicker the better by the way) they will once again respect you. Even if they dont act like it.

 

Yes it was tough for me, very tough. However, I have never moved on so fast. Commit to moving on and you will set yourself free. Follow the suggestions which people have wrote throughout this forum and you will definitely be on your way.

 

As for me now - I am staying in this community. It's great to meet so many friendly people.

 

Everyone going through a hardship - be strong for yourself. You owe it to yourselves!!

[newby]

Hi there,

 

I knew you were a celt! I swear you have a double here.

 

You sound in a good place. Getting your life sorted. Good for you.

 

I feel very revengeful, I know it isnt right but after such a betryal I could do him and her serious harm.

 

I am in the acceptance stage of this though and now just want all the mess sorted out, the house, the money etc. The I will be free to live as I please, even though I did not choose this I think I will be OK.

[shamus]

Hey Chris!

 

our stories are very similar.

I turned 31 on dec 2nd, she officially dumped me on the 8th.

read my story titled She left me

 

friends all agree my ex is crazy and bipolar

if you ever meet a girl named MaryAnn who will be 35 in Feb, and has a kid(first name starts with C) RUN!

 

No contact has been really good, and after 9 months she finally admitted she wants to date around and had been seeing someone on the side.

oh, and on my birthday she made me a card and called me her soulmate.

i wish i had your courage in the beginning...would have been a lot easier.

 

and my ex would blow up at little things too, always accusing me of cheating when she was out looking to replace me.

if a girl walked by, she'd accuse me of checking her out.

she once got jealous because i was swimming this past summer and a 50 year old woman struck up a conversation with me.

 

maybe we'll run into each other at barcelona

[shamus]

Hey Chris!

 

our stories are very similar.

I turned 31 on dec 2nd, she officially dumped me on the 8th.

read my story titled She left me

 

friends all agree my ex is crazy and bipolar

if you ever meet a girl named MaryAnn who will be 35 in Feb, and has a kid(first name starts with C) RUN!

 

No contact has been really good, and after 9 months she finally admitted she wants to date around and had been seeing someone on the side.

oh, and on my birthday she made me a card and called me her soulmate.

i wish i had your courage in the beginning...would have been a lot easier.

 

and my ex would blow up at little things too, always accusing me of cheating when she was out looking to replace me.

if a girl walked by, she'd accuse me of checking her out.

she once got jealous because i was swimming this past summer and a 50 year old woman struck up a conversation with me.

 

maybe we'll run into each other at barcelona

[Paranoid Android]

We broke up because of unfortunate circumstances and bad timing. We still love each other very much. Oh man the pain is so overwhelming.

 

This is the kind of situation I always hope for when breaking-up. It makes it, in a way, easier. But then again, I don't think I could handle it quite as gracefully as you though. Kudos my man.