Girlfriend cut it off with me a few weeks after my dad passed away

[Tears May Fall]

Ill try to make it short. I met a girl earlier in the semester(sept), at college, and we have been dating exclusively since. I met her one day before my dad was diagnosed with end stage terminal cancer. He was extremely ill and needed mine and my moms support. I commuted to school, so i was able to stay at home alot to be there with him. I told her this the first time we went out on a date, and she was ok with it. She knew i had time restrictions and other priorities, but she liked me enough to say she wanted to go along with it and see where it goes.

Things with dad just progressively got worse, and he was eventually in a situation where he was permanently bed riden in a hospital, and me and the family would go see him pretty much everyday. In the midst of this, i was also very stressed out and couldnt stand seeing him like this, and my close friends who lived on my block and have known my dad my whole life, would constantly take me out to hang out and get my mind off of things. I liked hanging out with them because they could relate the pain since it affected them just as much as my dad was like a father to all of them.

With her however, i didnt seem to ever have time to really hang out, we'd get together maybe once or twice a week, get something to eat and go back to her dorm and hang out for a few hours. I was constantly under alot of pressure from my family to be there with my dad, and the free time i had i spent with my friends from my block cuz they were very close to me from my entire life, all 22 years theyve known me, and also my mom knows them and didnt mind me hanging out with them. On the other hand, it was difficult to pull off hanging out with her in the midst of all my struggles.

Nonetheless i would speak to her and tell her i know im going through a rough time and i hate to pull you into this with me, but i enjoyed her comfort as well. I was unfortunately in a state of mind where all i wanted was to receive, and didnt really care about giving. I wasn't mentally strong enough to know what was right or wrong, and how to properly think things through and understand certain responsibilites. I just wanted to sit back and not care what i did, cuz I was just really angry all the time.

I was totally not my self, normally im the type that gives to everyone and puts myself in other peoples shoes before anything, and this time around i wasn't. I even told her one weekend i was gonna stay with my dad all weekend and couldnt see her, and went out with my friends for a few hours in between, and she got really upset. She kept feeling like i had all the time in the world for my friends, but never any for her. That wasn't true, atleast i dont think so, but that is probably how it came accross from the other side. I didnt know how to sort out my life at the time.

Then my dad passed away earlier this month, and i was just a mess, through the funeral and all, even more of a mess i should say for a week or two. I didnt speak to nobody, except the night i went out for my birthday, and the night she took me out for my birthday as well. I was a silent ghost, i shut off the world, and just wanted to be left alone. I finished finals(dunno how) and school was over and I felt relieved and felt i can finally think a little more clearly again, and just be home with my family and try to relax and get our lives back on track and put my dads loss behind me hopefully and try to get myself back to my old self, since that is what my dad would like to see when looking down.

Her on the other hand, actually one night had the nerve to say to me, you never have time for me. This is two weeks after my dad passed away, and i couldn't believe what i was hearing. Still i accepted her apology the next day, and i told her at that point that now that finals are over, i want to take the winter break for us to get together more often and bond better and get closer since i have one less thing on my mind and that you can help me get away from some of my problems of being home, since being home is just hard for me to live in where my dad used to be everyday.

A week after that, two days ago, she cut it off with me, stating that she doesnt see this going anywhere, and that she doesnt feel we're right for each other. She once again stated that she feels that even with everything that was going on in, u still had time for your friends, but never for me. I could understand where she was coming from on that, but i also tried to tell her i wasn't myself and i wasn't thinking strait, i didnt know how to make well rounded decisions. I told her now that finals are over, I have one less stress on my mind, and that also its been a couple of weeks now, and i want to get my life back to what i hope i can make normal again, atleast try to, and to try to be myself again, since i hate to have my dad look down and see me being a mess. She nonetheless stated, i have to do whats best for me and at this point, i just dont see this going anywhere, i cant be in this any longer. Then she gave me the classical, i just feel we should take it one step back, and just be friends for now and we can get to know each other better as friends instead and take it from there, and to top it off guys, we now work together too, so i have no choice but to see her several times a week. So i guess i dont have a choice but to be friends at this point. I just found it real selfish of her to act this way and split it off with me at such a tough time in my life. I miss her but im really upset at her too, and dont even want to see her face. I bought her a really expensive dooney and bourke bag for xmas last week and i dont even know if i should still give it to her, but she knows i got her something. I dont know how to feel or take this now, it really hurts and makes this only more difficult, when i was hoping i could start to feel better. What should i do guys, im rreally lost and confused.

[annie24]

I am so sorry for your loss. My dad died from leukemia some years back, so I know how profound the loss is.

 

Honestly, I think you should just let her go. What I look for in a longterm love partner is someone who stands by me, someone who supports me through the tough times, not just the good. From my perspective, this girl miserably failed that test. She is clearly not the right one for you.

 

I would let her go, grieve on your own. You will find a more supportive woman one day. good luck

[Dregnought]

Defently a difficuld situation. Let her know what your feeling atm, but also let her know you are willing to go through the friendship stage, for her. The ultimate problem for being friends is that it can turn out to be never get past friends stage, which is also yet another problem.

 

Yes, she is being selfish. So are you somewat, but your much more needy with you being your emotional situtation. Yet, if she doesnt want to be in a relationship then its almost impossible to change her mind. So your stuck as frieds, but only give it 1,2 or maybe 3 weeks at max. And i mean max. Hopefully you would be much better then, and try it again.

 

edit: It would be better off to folllow annies's advice if this doesnt work.

[Tears May Fall]

yea, you guys are right, especially annie with saying that a good partner would stick it out during tough times and be more understanding and supportive. It's difficult to analyze and understand how working together is going to be. The reason i would want to be with her again is to show her more so who i really am when im not obliged by emotional distress and to give her a better impression of me, and that's all i wanted to try to prove over the next few weeks or month or so, but even that seemed like too much to ask for from her.

Selfish on my part, i can see where you're coming from on that, and it is indeed true, but with all the unsteadiness in my life, mind and feelings at this point, i am unfortunately going to be more needy and recieving and less giving, even thought that's not my goal, its what naturally occurs.

Im trying however to get on with my normal life and self as time goes on, but in these situations, time doesnt change much because the fact that my dad is gone doesnt change, and the memories of us last being together only grow more distant and the missing only gets worse.

[Bethany]

A friend of mine some years back was like her. When he found out that his gf of a few months's father was dying, he felt that because he did not love her and there was no future between them that he should back out of the relationship before she began to rely on him for emotional support as he didn't think he could give her any knowing that he did not truly want her.I'm not saying its right and I'm not sure I could forgive someone who did that to me, but I understand why he did it.

 

I too have lost someone close to me and miss them sooo much especially at this time of year and I know for a fact after 3 long heartbreaking years, that when someone close to you dies you certainly find out who your true friends are, for sure.

My heart reaches out to you and know that you on this site really are not alone and if you need someone please feel free to message me. Peace and love to you.

[Tears May Fall]

yea its hard enough for me to deal with all the emotions going on at home, and now i have to deal with someone i cared about ditching out on me and then giving me the run around about exactly why shes doing so.

I am not even really missing her or sad or anything, actually just real upset, let down and simply in shock that she could do that when i just a few days before that asked to give me some time over the holidays to spend together.

I strongly feel that she might even be seeing someone else in the midst of all this. I still dont know how imma feel about working with her now, i wont see her again at work till next tuesday (1/3). She wants to be friends, as all dumpers do, but im just so upset at her i dont even wanna see her face. Im lost, confused, hurt, and let down, but im glad i have you guys to give me any sorta feedback, any little bit helps, thanks everyone.

[Tears May Fall]

btw, i haven't contacted her since, im good usually with not calling or anything after a breakup. She IMed me the other night and we had a short talk about how xmas went and when are we working this week, thats all. Well as for now, im off to vermont to go skiing the rest of the week, so im just going to go enjoy that.

[Tigris]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I don't understand why your girlfriend wouldn't support you?

 

When I was married to my 1st husband I got to the stage of wanting a divorce (4th year of marriage) my plans had to suddenly change. His father unexpectedly died! There was no possible way I could leave him to cope by himself.

 

I'm sorry she wasn't mature enough to deal with the situation like I did. I hope you meet someone soon who will be there for you through 'thick and thin!'

[hosswhispra]

Tears May Fall,

 

Of course you wanted to be alone and near your friends that you have known all your life growing up. Your father just died...Last year when my father died, I just wanted to be with my family. I could not even leave my house---for 5 straight days I lay on a couch and did not want to talk to anyone. This is how I dealt with my grief.

 

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, Tears May Fall. You need to be gentle and kind to yourself right now. You just lost your father....you are in a major life transition right now. Your girlfriend needs to understand that. Right now, you need the support from your loved ones....you are clearly deserving of that.

 

You are in my thoughts and prayers during this most difficult time.

 

hosswhispra